Sunday, 28 February 2010
-
LDR, BF Visits and Over-Involved Parents
I am having some issues with my parents regarding my boyfriend of almost a year (I am 22 and he is 24), on which I need some objective advice. He and I are now in a long distance relationship (we lived in the same town for 3 months), and can only visit approx. once a month. We switch off traveling, with him coming out to see me every other month; this means that he is only here say, 3 times in 5 months. My parents are struggling with getting to know him because they have only seen him twice so far. I do not think that they need to see him every time that he comes into town to see me; a lot of times he can only visit for two days, so that doesn't leave a lot of time for us to catch up. My living situation is kind of awkward because I have not moved out of my parents’ house, but since I have moved to a different city than my boyfriend's, I have actually been living 40 miles away from my parents' house due to work, in an apartment that is theirs.They are very conservative, and so, when he visits, they would like me and him to stay at their house, which we don’t; we stay at the apartment I live in. We have stayed with them only once, because we were at a family event at their house for the weekend. I don’t like doing that, because we aren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed, and I feel like a child. He is older, and respects me for the fact that I try to be independent and self-sufficient. At the apartment, I feel independent and like I am in an adult relationship, which I am. Next week, he is coming to visit and is staying here, but we are going to my parent’s house just for dinner so that they can see him. Still, my mom is not happy with that, and wants us to stay at my parents house, sleeping in separate beds, over Valentine’s day!? I think that is atrocious.
When I go to visit him, his parents are in the SAME town as him, and yet because he has since moved out, I stay with him and it’s not a problem. I have met his parents twice, and they do not seem to pressure him to see me more often.
So, am I wrong to want to have me and him stay at the apartment, so that we can act like the adults that we are? I would move out fully of my parent’s house and/or apartment, but I don’t have enough money and will be moving away for school next year. This feels like the best situation I can think of. Are my parents too involved in this area? I feel like they are too involved in most of my life. If so, how do I get them to back off? They have also forbidden me to go on trips with him, even if other people are going with, because we aren’t married. Am I wrong to think that they need to, maybe, let me grow up and be an adult?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: ArchivePistol@xanga
- About Me: I can be a shadow / In the dark I won't be
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2212 Comments: 0 46 View all posts by ArchivePistol@xanga
Comments (47)
I completely understand where you are coming from.. I am 21 nearly 22 and engaged to be married in October. My Father still expects me to be home every night and will call me if I'm not. I am an adult and I will do as I want.
I'd tell them to back off. Just plain, blunt, and simple.
you have the right to think this way. and you are justified considering youre an adult. however you are not independent. they are still paying for your living arrangements even if its not with them.
it is their apartment, despite that it "feels" like your own. and you are disrespecting them by ignoring their concerns.
so i dont really know what to tell you, you should probably have a discussion with them about your concerns instead of with us.Honestly, since you're still living off your parents, I think the best idea is to respect them. You're only proving their point that you're not as adult as you think you are by whining over such small things. If you want an adult relationship, with both your boyfriend and your parents, you're going to have to give a little to get the things you want in return.
Well I don't consider myself a adult until, I am mentally, physically and economically capable of being independent and living on my own. Until I get my own house, car, and support myself 100% I am still a child. I think you are to if you still depend on your parents at that age.
If you want your parents to respect you as an adult, do what they can. Support yourself and be able to support them! Show them that you have your own wings. Until then, you are the same baby they brought home from the hospital just that you know how to walk and talk now.
ugh trust me, mine's worse. i'm 23 and can't afford to move out, and whenever my bf stays over he has to sleep out on the couch. it sucks. but, when i stay at his house his parents are totally cool w me sleeping in his room. ... we spend v-day there lol.
butttttt yeeeeeeeah. their house, their rules. maybe talk to them some more about your freedom, but i know that for my parents that's pretty much like politely asking a prison guard for the key out.
Your parents sound like control freaks. You are 22 for God's sake. Jesus, send them to a sex party and broaden their minds...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
its hard to tell tham to shut up when theyre paying for you... i have the same problem
you are not wrong for wanting to spend quality alone time with your boyfriend, my boyfriends mom does the same thing, she never lets me sleep over, & the few times i really did need a place to stay, she made me up my own room & gave us rules, it was really rediculous. but you two aren't children & shouldn't be treated like so, so to solve the problem, don't sleep at your parents, it's not that hard.
I completely understand your parents because mine are rather strict as well. But you ARE 22 years old. They NEED to accept that. You're not 12, they can't control you. You are a grown woman, in a mature and adult relationship, I think it's great that you value their opinion but times are different, things have changed and they are not in your relationship with your boyfriend. As much as this may hurt them, and even you, you really need to put your foot down. I wish you the best of luck, this is a sticky situation, but you can't make everyone happy. Do what YOU want. Best wishes :)
um, you're a grown ass woman.
tell them to get over themselves, you're 22, not 12 and that they need to accept it.
either they accept it or say you're going to a hotel for the night (valentine's day).
tell them its a thing called 'tough love' ahah
and i know its their house, but you're not exactly their 'baby' anymore...you're legally an adult.
Ever hear the phrase "As long as you live under my roof you'll do what I say"? Yeah, tough luck. As long as you're living off of your parents, I think they have every right to be involved. Does it suck? Yup. Does a lot, but until you're FULLY independent --paying for your own stuff-- I don't think you can really control your privacy all that much.
Whoa. Talk about over-protective parents. At 22 you're an adult in all senses of the word. Tell them to back off.
they don't "let you"? uh, you're 22 years old, you just do it. you don't need permission. anyway, your relationship sounds awful. 2 days together a month? yuck. this whole situation screams "more trouble than it's worth". but, do as you please. don't try so hard to make your parents happy, it's your life.
@PMFoutofwater -
Haha, I agree. She's 22, he's 24. Wherever they're living, that's considered adulthood and so she should be treated like an adult. I would simply tell them that I'm old enough to drink, smoke, go to war, go to jail, etc. If I'm old enough for that, then why aren't they treating me like a responsible adult? And if all else fails, get a good job, save up all the money you can to move into a cheaper apartment so they can't say "Oh, but you live in our apartment!"...
As an adult, I say having your boyfriend over at your (parent's) apartment is completely fine. They entrusted you with an apartment, be responsible for it and do what you want with it. They're "conservative" views should not affect how you are in your relationship with your boyfriend.
However, if you are a child that loves your parents, have some respect to their request. Somewhere deep inside, maybe they do care for you and have some concern for your boyfriend.
While your boyfriend is in town, always, or at least try, to plan a night with your parents. The more they know about your boyfriend AND your relationship, the more likely they will see the adult relationship the two of your share and will appreciate you for including them in your life.
Your parents show two sides, conservative (or control freak),
and maternal (or parental) affection.
Nurture the parental affection, not the conservative.
@supaflychikn@xanga - I agree.
Another two cents. I had to learn to do what I want (as long as I knew I was responsible).
Be ready to begin fighting for you want if you think this relationship is well worth.
Honestly, as an adult I think butting heads with parents
is a step toward being independent, you can't hold on to their views throughout your life.
Me and my mom, although we love each other, have a rocky relationship.
It took me a couple years to finally say "I'm doing this tonight" rather than "Can I do this tonight?"
Stating what I'm going to do rather than asking for permission
and planting my feet firm into the ground.
They are your parents and furthermore they are paying for you. Sorry, but I think that qualifies them to have a say in the matter when it occurs under their roof. You could try and maturely talk to them about it and figure out some options. But, when it comes down to it, they have the final say until you are independent of them. I'm 20, my boyfriend is 23, we've been together for almost 4 years and when we're over at my parents' house we sleep in separate rooms AFTER we've asked for permission if he can stay over. It's out of respect.
Sounds like it is time to have a sit down with your parents.
"Mom, dad. I am in a serious relationship, and although I love spending time with you, I also love spending time with him. I am at the age where I am legal to drink, vote, live by myself, and be my own person and I would also love to have control of my own relationship. I understand that you would like to know my boyfriend, but I feel that I would like to spend time getting to know him myself, especially when we are living so far apart right now. You need to understand that I am an adult now."also ask them why it is so important that you guys stay there? Tell them you would feel more comfortable sleeping at your place.
They can say and do whatever they want to, because you are still relying on them. Only when you are 100% on your own will you be able to do what YOU want to do without having them at your throat.
Their house, their rules.
It sucks, and I know it because I'm right there with you.
I think they don't want you or him to be tempted and maybe end up pregnant when you aren't independent to be on your own. they trust you, not him.
No, you're not wrong to want to be alone with your boyfriend, however, it is their household and therefore, their rules. The only time you would get your way is if you were off their property and thus, not using their money. That would be if you two decided to stay in a hotel while he was visiting you.
I'm in an LDR too in which I see my boyfriend every 2-3 months (my boyfriend is 24 and i'm close to turning 23). During the first year or two of our relationship my parents didn't want my boyfriend anywhere near my room (I do live in their house under their rules). I respect the rules and my boyfriend has to sleep in our guest room. However, at his mom's place and his dad's place, they never cared about me sharing a room with my boyfriend. I think since you are living in an apartment your parents pay for you should respect them. Until they aren't shoveling money into your rent, you can't do what you want, no matter how hard it sucks.