Being raped is no easy thing, for any person, from any situation. If you're like me, it's hard to trust again. Especially since my rapist was my boyfriend at the time. How am I supposed to know who to trust and who not to trust?
So the subject of sex is a very confusing one for me. On one hand, I want it. On the other hand, I have vivid flashbacks. Sometimes I have triggers that go off so unexpectedly (like when I'm changing clothes, when I get aroused, or randomly for no reason at all). I'll run into the shower and turn it up as hot as possible. Trying desperately to get clean again. The last boyfriend I had wasn't too sympathetic, honestly. He kinda freaked when I said I wanted to wait for months... but I did it anyway because I wanted to make him happy. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but I thought it would help me in healing somehow. However, he always wanted to be on top. This is what scared me the most. Since I've been abused multiple times... by multiple people... being trapped in anyway is a sure way to get me under a panic attack. So all in all, my sexual experience with him did more harm than good.
Question is, I'm going into another relationship. I really like this guy, and quite attracted to him. But I'm honestly so scared that I'll freak out on him. He already knows what happened. He is also willing to be there for me if I freak out. I mean I trust him, but I'm so confused and worried and scared. I'm scared I might be used, or scared I'll feel trapped again... scared I'll have flashbacks again. This is a big step for me, which I am sure it is a big step for each person that has gone through this.
For those of you that have lived through this experience, what was it like to start having sex again? Did you ever panic or have a flashback in the middle of the act? Then those of you that are in the same position I am, don't fret to message me. :)
Also, have you ever had such a high level of sexual chemistry with someone after your rape? It's really confusing for me. It's like my heart wants to dive for it but my head keeps shooting back images of my rapist, who was my boyfriend, who I trusted. Then again, I think the chemistry between us is too strong to ignore. How did you trust again?
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Comments (66)
*hugs* You know I've been there before and I lived through it.
Been there also. It doesn't get easier...just "less hard"...you will learn how to trust again. Go as slow as you need to. If he really is caring about you and for you...he will also, regardless of what it costs him.
I have been there and I still have a hard time trusting guys, however if you have a guy who will understand if you freak out then it makes it easier. I know it is hard to trust but you kinda just have to take a leap of faith that this new guy will respect you and be able to control himself if you feel uncomfortable. From the way it sounds I think you can lean on this new guy a little bit and slowly learn to trust him.
I have never been raped, but one of my friends in high school was. She is in the same position as you. We've had quite a few long talks, and even now, 8 years later, it is still something that she deals with. It is something that will never go away. I can't imagine being raped and it is an awful, tragic thing to have gone through. My friend is learning to take away the rapists "power" and give herself that power. She was a rape victim but is now calling herself a rape survivor and is finding her strength through that.
It is great you are with a guy who is willing to support you so much, that's a very good sign. Once trust is shattered, it's hard to pick up the pieces. It is going to take a lot of time to move on, but its what you need for yourself. You are worthy of healing and getting everything you deserve to help you cope and move on.
Awwe :( I can't speak from experience because I haven't been through the same thing as you, but it sounds like this new guy will understand and help you deal with it. It will take a long time for you to trust him, but hopefully with time and work you'll be able to. Good luck
Sorry to hear of all that you've been through...i have no advice to give but i hope it all works out. One thing though....you shouldn't have sex with someone just to please them. If that ex bf of yours couldn't respect you enough to be okay with your decision to wait then he didn't deserve what you have to offer him. In the future, don't ever let a guy force you to have sex with him to please him. It's your body it's your feelings it's your fears you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and understanding. Hope this guy is the one.
Hope it all ends well. Keep your head up.
My message is going to be shorter than I want it to be but I have been (and I am still in) the same shoes you are. The fact that he is willing to supportive will make a huge difference. The best thing you can do is tell him how you want him to support you. There is a book called If She is Raped by Alan McEvoy that he will really like. It is extremely hard to find this book as it is out of print. There is an abridge version on line.
i know what you've been through, in a definite sense. my ex-boyfriend tried to do that to me and i ended up getting him off me by decking him in the face. but it is hard to trust, i definitely agree. i tried to hide it from my current boyfriend and i ended up breaking down and telling him after he surprised me with a hug from behind and accidentally touched my chest, and i slapped him in reflex. he understood after i explained it to him, and was willing to wait. we were together 5 months before we did. and i still had a lot of issues about feeling "unclean" for a few months before it finally started to fade away and my boyfriend kept reassuring me that he loved me and would never do anything like that to me.
with this new guy, just take it slow. if he pushes the limit, just simply tell him, and then just build up the intensity of the physical interaction bit by bit. freaking out i know is a definite first reaction, but try to calmly tell him to stop. just make sure he is definitely willing to be a man and be respectful and understanding. don't waste your time on someone who doesn't respect your wishes and your needs.If you talk to him about it, and he supports your decision than after a while you wont feel so scared. You might have flashbacks but you have to remind yourself to start living in the future. Its not an easy thing to forget but you have to try. Live in the future and dont let your past bring you down. Good luck with everything. I hope you erase that horrible image out of your head and I hope you find someone who doesnt pressure you into sex.
Tell your new boyfriend this story and why you're concerned about sexual activity. If he respects you and your body, he'll understand. You have to let him know what your boundaries are. And experiment with him; different positions that you find most comfortable, and do your best to supress your "old boyfriend memories".
Oh yes, and don't have sex to make him happy. Sex is for pleasure, but you do it for you and to give your partner an ecstacy. If you repeat habits from a previous relationship and the new one doesn't work out because of it, but you expect a different outcome, that would literally identify you as insane. Don't become insane :]
@singinglynnie@xanga - Thank you
@abeautifulknight@xanga - Thanks for sharing and giving advice :)
@madelynne07@xanga - She's so lucky to have you. I told one of my best friends about it, and she avoids the topic at all cost. Xanga has really been my outlet to talk about it. Thank you, and I think this guy is a keeper. :)@Bacardii_Qween@xanga - Thanks for commenting and telling me how to respect myself in the future at all costs.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - Thanks for the sharing and the recommendation. I can't call myself a survivor as of now, yet I hope soon you can call yourself a survivor. Feel free to message me anytime you want.
@theatrical_inebriation@xanga - Thanks for the advice. Glad you found a guy to help you through it.
@CoolXwhip@xanga - Thank you for the well wishes.
@Isky@lovelyish - I never really thought about that. Just repeating everything I've done in an old relationship and expecting a different outcome. Thanks for pointing that out.
Okay. I've only slept with 3 guys.
1 guy (my first boyfriend) that I was in "love" with and 1 guy (who had to be the sweetest guy I've ever met of 3 years and counting. I'm not dating him.)
The third is described below.
And then...This guy I had a tiny (innocent) crush on... I didn't even hold his hand... or mention it. He waited until I was messed up after a party and ioijmrkemmffds. No penetration, but barely escaped from that. And, the sucky part is alcohol doesn't make me black out. I remember it all except for the parts I've suppressed.
Anyhoo, still suffering from PTSD. Occasional bouts of anger. I had a (tiny) moment of promiscuity 6 months afterwards and screwed a friend (3rd guy) I knew for a year. We don't talk to this day.
I kinda realized that I hate sex. It made me feel guilty BEFORE the guy took advantage of me. And, then, with the 3rd guy, I just panicked the entire time. It didn't feel right. I cried for days.
I think that it's maybe better to avoid sex after something like this. Just my opinion. It brings back memories I can't fight off. And I'd just rather forget. Then again, I'm not in love, so that might be the reason.
I'm kind of attracted to handicapped guys now because I know that they can't take advantage of me. )-: that's pretty weird.
I've been there twice with two different guys. The first one I trusted with all my heart and after dating for nearly a week he forced me down and shoved his penis in my mouth. He use to always pressure me into sex and I would say no, and once I told him no he would call me all kinds of names from a bitch to a slut and try to tell me how I would never be anything. One thing is that he use to lie so much about himself, and being that I known him for a year (before we started dating) I realized how much I did not know him. He touched me in places I didn't want to be touched in, and being that I was so small and he was so big he put his weight on top of me just to get what he wanted done. But after a week in a half and a year long crush I had on him I finally broke away from him, pressed charges, and then dropped them because I was just soo scared.
I got with a different guy a whole year later and he knew how my situation was. But this guy was so possessive it was so hard to even make him happy. Again, I was forced into acts I didn't want to be involved in, he pressured me into sex and would touch me just whenever he felt like it. He use to make fun of me because he stole my virginity and he knew that it was my weakest spot and it meant everything to me. After two years of dating I called it quits, and being that he was still possessive afterwards he would use things againt me, try to manipulate me just to make me feel bad, and the list goes on. It took me a whole year to get over him and to actually move on, because those images of him just doing whatever he wanted to me were still there.
At some point I thought I was going crazy. I would wake up in the middle of the night just crying because it was my fault that I let these things happen to me.. And I'm quite sure he knew how I felt and just didn't care because he got what he forced me to do. After that, I've never had another boyfriend. Everytime I talk to another guy these images of me being used and abused would pop up in my head and I would automatically think that he'll do the same. I've been single for over two years now and I'm afraid to fall for somebody and start another relationship.
Like someone said above, it doesn't get easier, just less hard.
I was raped by my first boyfriend, both while we were dating and after we had broken up. It took me a long time to feel comfortable being intimate with anyone else and it helped that my next boyfriend who I became intimate with was understanding about my situation.
There are still certain acts and positions which trigger a "fight or flight" response from me, in addition to one thing I will not do under any circumstances, and it's 5 yeas later. Sometimes the trauma never goes away completely, no matter how much time you give it.
Don't hesitate to be honest with your new boyfriend. Take things slow, one day at a time.
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - Stupid bitch- I can burn my own house down. How the hell do you think I became the way I am? I could have either fallen into a state of deep depression and hated my life like every other pansy-ass sexual assault/abuse victim by CHOSE to become better than that. Fuck you.
man.... when i did 4yrs. for slinging crack, we all went to rec. (yard time) and i was never touched, cause i knew people, but there was this sixteen yr. old doin a life sentence with no parole in juliet for bludgering his father because he molested him as a child. well we all went to rec. and they caught dis ni66a behind the stairs and rapped him.... i was a witness. that shit was beyond gruesome! this ni66a got ganged up on by 4 or 5 latino gang members and they flat out had they way with dat ni66a. i watched in awwww.....
i used to be the pig type of men. im not gonna lie. but i seen this shit and i actually aint have sex until a month into my engagment!!!! idk. if it really goes with wat you sayin, but its real shit.
then when i was younger than that i was witness to my uncle rapping my cousine. dat was the worst expieriende of my fucking life! i still have very vivid dreams of the event in question. i hear her screams sometimes when i get mad. its usually wat ends up setting me off. im a skytzophrenic anyway. that just fucks my shit up worse! but i feel where yall comin from.
i was just witness to the shit. id hate to be a victim! any victim brave enough to step up and speak out against it though is some of the bravest people ive met, and im from chicago! im from hummble park, and i used to gang bang on MLK. much love and respect to those people <3 yall got balls! real shit......
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - You sick twisted fuck. Just because your home and family was an incest haven and you're a fucking mess doesn't give you the right to attack others here with your delusional wishes. Seek help from a professional - you need it.
I bet a dog wouldn't even fuck you - he'd have to do it at gunpoint.
"You'd just let him have whatever he wants" --- no kidding. Beastiality - usually the horses and dogs don't say too much. You should do it more often, it'll keep your mouth shut.
Oh, by the way - you ever talk about burning a house down again, especially one that belongs to a friend of mine, -- I'd start looking over my shoulder. Some people say things, other people actually have the guts to do them. You fucking mess.
I have never been raped, so I can't even imagine what you go through (I hate when people say that, it's never comforting to me- but it's true).
But your current boyfriend sounds great for being so understanding, I know plenty of guys who would have freaked out at something like that. I guess your fears will never completely go away, but you can feel a bit safer with someone you trust. I am deathly afraid of escalators, and I take very very very deep breaths whenever I'm forced to take one; if that helps at all?I was raped barely two years ago by the first person I ever dated and I'm still dealing with it. The first guy I dated afterwards had to deal with panic attacks and all sorts of things he was supportive though and help me get into counseling some sessions of which he attended so the he could figure out how to deal with the fact that our relationship wouldn't be like other ones he had had in the past. I'm still afraid of men sometimes but the biggest thing for me was becoming proud of my body and not seeing it as 'dirty'. The other was being able to enjoy sex luckily my first partner was wonderful and understood that he couldn't always be on top. He helped me understand that sex isn't about fear and pain but that it can be a wonderful experience.
in your blog you mentioned nothing about getting professional help about being raped by someone you trusted... if you haven't... i think you should... cuz by the sounds of things... it's only gonna get worst... and i wouldn't rush into having sex until you can fully get over what happened... i haven't been in your situation... and no human being should be put into that situation under no circumstances... but i wouldn't rush into it just yet knowing that it did more harm to you than good... otherwise you'll never get on with your life...
I can't believe how many people this has happened to...
I had no idea there were so many people in this situation. So firstly, thank you so much for making this post. I had talked to a few close friends about what he did to me, but they all seemed to think that because we were dating that was like an all access pass for him, at it was just that i didn't like his sexual style. I am not so close friends with these people anymore, because i knew they saw me hurting and felt they should have offered some support. this post has helped, although it was hard to read, because now i know that it wasn't just in my head.
What happened to me was:
He was my first what you would call "real" boyfriend, i'd had flings before but never actually felt emotionally connected. I was also a virgin. 9 months in, he got sick of waiting for me. i'd had a few drinks and had recently had my shoulder reconstructed, so i didn't physically have the strength to push him away. he pinned me down with his hands on my shouders so i was in an insane amount of pain. then he did it. the best thing i can say is it was over quickly. but i was crying and begging him not to. saying i'd do anything else he wanted just not that.
My spirit was crushed. everyone around me noticed i didn't carry any of my old spark. i felt so defeated. but when my friends told me it was nothing they encouraged me to go back to him. inviting him to our gatherings and things like that. it happened three more times until i HAD to get away. i moved out of my parents house, out of my town and lost contact with so many friends so that he couldn't get to me.
4 months down the track I still can't trust. the idea of a relationship scares me so much. I am afraid to make friends, because i am scared that even that will give someone an oppertunity. I did try to have sex a few times, with guys i barely knew, thinking if the emotions were not there the hurt wouldn't be either. it didn't work so well.
But i still, like you, wanted sex to be a good thing. so i turned to my closest male friend, who i had known for 14 years. i was sure he wouldn't hurt me, as he was one of the people who actually got me out of town. I asked him to help me through it. It was alot easier, because i trusted him, but in a different way to how i trusted my ex because our relationship was so different. I was still one of the hardest things i ever did. i bawled my eyes out the first few times, the first time we didn't even actually have sex, cos i freaked out before that. but as we kept trying i found i could hold it in enough to do it. lasting a little longer each time. until finally i could actually get through sex without breaking down. it still didn''t feel good, but at least i could. and i imagine that when the right person comes along, and i do let them in, after a while it will start to feel good.
GOODLUCK, to every girl who has posted their stories on here. none of us deserved what happened. I hope that we can all learn to trust again.
from experience, when you find someone who is willing to wait for you to become comfortable again, it gets easier. when you find someone who will hold you for hours (or even stay on the phone with you for hours until you fall back asleep) after you wake up in hysterics from a night terror, it gets easier. when you find someone who will stop in the middle of it to make sure you're alright and even offer to stop if you're uncomfortable, it gets easier.
it's hard to believe. i know because i've been there. but it does get easier.