A previous relationship of mine suffered under this "too much of a good" thing. After the relationship ended me and the ex sat down and concurred that we were together just because of chemistry, and a lot of it. We were so involved with the physical things we seldom touched on the small gestures that made a relationship complete. It just lasted that long, and then everything crumbled.
So when I started dating again, my biggest fear was that I didn't want the physical part of the relationship to take over. I didn't want to be consumed by the rabbit-syndrome so much that I forgot that there was another part of me that needed something. Oh yes, I wanted to have that chemistry, I needed it, but I also wanted to be able to spend time with the guy without wanting to do it the whole time. I wanted to get to know the person as well.
So the other day the ex called me up again, us now both being in relationships, and asked me what's too much. He was also concerned that he was just with the girl for sex, and that's not fair to her too.
Somehow I feel right now, but I'm also afraid, because I don't know what is too much, or too little.
I love the guy I'm with. I don't know much about him, and I also didn't know his middle name before we had sex. That I found out afterwards. And I was worried that yet again I did it too quickly. He has no problem with the amount of sex we have, except that he want more, like any other man out there. We haven't been dating that long. But we have chemistry. We can't keep our hands off each other. We try to keep it balanced by not spending a lot of time alone, but even in company if we have a few seconds alone in the kitchen refilling drinks, we get frisky.
We don't allow ourselves to be alone all the time, so I don't know whether we'd do it the whole time. But I do know that in my previous relationship we didn't wait for an opportunity, but did it anywhere, anyplace, even in my parents' home with them sleeping next door unaware. This time around with the new guy we have opportunities, but we prefer to wait and do silly things like play Tekken on the Playstation.
And now the big thing everyone has been wondering about...we end up on average doing it once every two weeks when we absolutely can't wait anymore, and when our schedules align to allow enough uninterrupted time. We don't make it rule our time together, but we do admit that there's a spark and we like each other enough.
What do you consider is too much sex? How do you know that? Do you think I have the balance right this time?
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Comments (28)
hmm this is a tough one. i too have also went thru my phases when i thought i was having too much. And my SO right now, we said we wouldnt not for awhile. And then we did. ALOT. almost everytime we were together. Now im back at school and we;re far apart...and we both said we are going to swear off sex for a year. I dont want to be consumed by sex, i want to strengthen other parts of the relationship.
i remember this guy once told me, this when i asked what was to much.
"do you want to get married someday?" yes
"do you believe your future wife is out there somewhere? probably on a date like you'll be on?" yes
"what would you do if the man who was taking her out touched her?" id kill him. i dont want anyne touching my wife.
"then dont touch someone elses wife on this date"
so hey, to much for me is anything i wouldnt want a guy doing to my somewhere future wife =P
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I don't think there's a universal point where there's "too much sex." It depends on the individuals in the couple and how sex-based vs. emotion-based vs. friendship-based they are. I think that the sex is too much when they don't have enough of an emotional connection or friendship for them specifically and too little when they aren't being sexually satisfied.
Frankly, I think that you are in balance enough if you can say that you feel like you know the person or are connected to the person as much as you would like to be. You mention that you fear you went into things more quickly than you maybe should of... this fear probably indicates an actual issue you have with it, even if that issue is minor.
You sound like you're in balance enough. It /is/ a new relationship, so it makes sense that chemistry would be up, but because you make sure to do other things together and don't always begin and end your time with him with sex, I don't think it'll be an issue. You seem to be in a decent balance, and it'll adjust itself (if you let it) if it isn't quite there.Too much humping would be when you're seriously going at it like rabbits. If you both enjoy it, and can also enjoy non-sexual contact (all the little gestures that make a relationship something more than just shagging), I don't think it can be 'too much'.
you love him but then you say you don't know much about him...
sex to a degree should happen naturally, being horny can for some be natural or forced. But anyways, actually go out on dates - don't stay home so much and you'll be less likely to go at it like humping monkeys. Everyone wants sex but when you start ignoring who you are to get it and fulfill a "need" then there has to be some acknowledgment that a problem is starting (not a sex problem) but a relationship one. Why are you with him? Convience of sex? That's why I paraphrased you, "I love him. But don't know much about him."
Once a week is enough for me. It can be very tiring. Plus, I've got computer games to play.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
Qudos on the guy in the pic opening the bra by the way. I usually have to ask the woman to oblige...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
I think it varies for every couple. Why don't you.... I don't know, talk to HIM about it?
i remember this guy once told me, this when i asked what was to much.
"do you want to get married someday?" yes
"do you believe your future wife is out there somewhere? probably on a date like you'll be on?" yes
"what would you do if the man who was taking her out touched her?" id kill him. i dont want anyne touching my wife.
"then dont touch someone elses wife on this date"
so hey, to much for me is anything i wouldnt want a guy doing to my somewhere future wife =P
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A- to the MAN...
I screwed up and fooled around a bit in highschool, I will totally admit to that, but after a while I decided that the BEST way to know someone is to leave sex out entirely. My husband and I DID fool around a bit, but we were both VIRGINS when we were married... guess what? We FREAKING LOVE EACH OTHER! Guess WHY? Sex was never a distraction. NOW, it's just the sweetest icing on the cake!
By the time I walked down the aisle, I knew Cory so intimately (without the sex) that we were like honest and serious BEST FREAKING FRIENDS, and we were attracted to each other and we LOVED each other. Our relationship is AWESOME... People ask us all the time "what did you do?" I say, "You want a relationship like ours?" "YES!" "Don't have sex..." *they walk away*
Oh well... that's really the answer.
@PMFoutofwater - My boyfriend is the same way. Between a full time job, various hobbies, and computer games it normally happens like twice a week. But I don't have a job and I'm full of lustly teenage hormones, something that he forgets about our 5 year age difference. Sometimes it's just SO frustrating trying to be considerate to him and let him sleep. But it makes it all that much better when it does happen. Plus, he's gotten used to me living with him...I still haven't! ;)
A nice truthful response! Guys like you are awesome. You keep girls like me on edge.
I'm the same way. I'm trying to abstain from it as much as possible, but it's hard because my boyfriend and I like our alone time the most. And since right now we're in our infatuation phase, it's really hard to keep our hands off of each other, lol. I think you're doing fine though, once every two weeks isn't very often.
in my opinion no number of times is too much. If you both want to do it then i say screw it and do it...there can't be a set number that says "when is too much" alright do i think doing it like 3 times a day is a little overboard..well yes i do but i feel you shouldn't really worry about a certain number of times you do it. You need to realize that when the moment is there it is there and if you take the opportunity to grab it well good for you....dont woorry about it so much
@Winsa@xanga - yea seriously! people think theses days that you have to have sex before your married. what the heck!!!
hey congrats on not having sex till you were married! =D
Great post, by the way. I can completely relate to it. If there's real love and interest that goes beyond the physical realm in the relationship then I say there's no such thing as too much sex. You're already well acquainted with the person, share common interests, and are in a loving relationship which makes the sex so much better. However, it's probably best to hold off on getting too physical during the early stages of dating someone. You want to get to know them better, and build up some chemistry and respect before heading to the bedroom. You don't want to come across as "easy" or lead them to believe that's all you have to offer. I've made this mistake a few times in past "relationships". I would be very physically attracted to the guy, and want to get to know him better but the second he would come on to me even if we knew very little about each other I would give in thinking this would bring us closer. WRONG! It would always become an awkward mess and usually the only time we'd want to see each other is if we wanted sex. The last time this happened to me (a few months ago) I felt so used and broken. I cried for hours and vowed I would never again be so stupid as to jump too quickly into a physical relationship with someone. Although I still occasionally crave the physical intimacy, I refuse to get involved with a guy without getting to know him well and sharing something special with him.
We do it like once a week, but we both wouldn't mind doing it more than that. I'd say every 2-3 days would be normal for me.
And too much? There is no such thing. You can still know the person and have a relationship with them just because you have sex all the time.
what the hell are you talking about? sex or something else? i'm confused
@SamBarger@xanga - haha i like this! well said
i would say that rather than trying to limit quantity, put off getting physical for a while at the beginning. that way you have better opportunity to get to know each other. too late for that in this situation, though
and haha when i first saw this post, i thought, "what, too much arm hair??" hahaha
@JennyGee@xanga - thank youuu! and yea i totally agree =D
hahaa i know right!? that guy needs to do something holy cow!
My husband and I have sex at least once nearly every day. We've been living together since before we dated, and once we started dating the longest we've gone without sex was one two-week period. I'd just had a c-section for twins.
We're all over eachother, but we have lots of time together. Most of it taking care of the babies or doing household work, but when we've got the time, we go for it. Sometimes we'll skip a day, and occasionally two, but then we pick it right back up.
Some people may consider this too much sex, but it works for us. It's all about what works for the couple. All of my emotional and physical needs are met. We have great conversations, and do recreational things that aren't sexual. We've got a great balance, and that's what it's all about. If having sex 3 times a day fits harmoniously into your relationship, then it is not too much.
Me and my boyfriend used to do it like...8 - 9 times a week during break @____@ Heh. But we only do it once every couple of weeks now. Mainly because of our schedules but...when we're alone we play pokemon and cook together and do other stuff xD I find that talking on the phone helps a lot too ^___^ And we go to each other's jobs to have lunch together...I dunno. Sex is on my mind a lot, but it doesn't bother me because it's not because I'm horny, but because I wanna be that close to him. I think when you're in love, you don't have to worry about being with the other just for sex...because when you do wanna do it, it's because you love them and not because you're horny. I dunno if that makes any sense o.o
it's amazing how people can't even READ the article before they comment on it .. YES she's OBV. talking about sex, hense the picture right at the top of a guy unhooking a womans bra ... wow.
thank you so much for this site
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girls in relationships where you just screw all the time feel cheap.... you should know your boyfriend. that said I don't think you HAVE to make an every other week rule, I would probably wither and die a little bit with that....
i dont have sex until i am really into him and he is really into me. like at least for a year or so.
so i m still a virgin. :) my bestie would wait till she get married becuz she wants it only for her future husband.