Thursday, 25 February 2010
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I Gave In To Temptation and Now it Haunts Me
I was talking with my suite mates on our way back from take out when we started talking about girls and then to let's just say temptations. Talk of temptation led to talk of porn. Now it's probably really hard to find people who've never watched porn and now I can't say I'm one of those people. I've always tried to live the right way, avoiding temptations and such, but I fell into temptation one day and it's haunted me since.
That's when I realized how much the past can affect how others may see you. People get surprised when I say I've seen it. I used to proud that I never saw it. Now that I have I feel dirty and no longer innocent. I then realized that we all view our lives as a checklist of the wrongs we've done and the wrongs others have done and porn is one of them.
This checklist of wrongs we've done consists of ways we've treated people terribly, said nasty things, and watching porn. It seems that people see you differently when you say you've done certain bad things, especially porn. Fortunately those who know I've watched it watch it themselves so I don't feel as out of place, but the majority of my friends would probably feel disgust about such subjects and I do too. I wish I could take back that deed I've done. The worst thing about the list is that whatever you did you can't take it back.
I still haven't lost my virginity so I'm glad I have that part of me still yet to checkoff hopefully after I get married, but the many other things I've checked off seem to have ominous forecomings of me checking losing my virginity as well. Everyone judges people based on their past, especially when it comes to relationships.
Why do people have to judge things that have gone and past? Does the fact that we did something terrible in the past mean we deserve such looks of disgust and mistrust? Can we ever get out of this judgement?
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About the Author
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- From: lil_KyungMin@xanga
- Name: K-Min
- Location: Seoul, South Korea
- About Me: I love God, volleyball, music, and laughing. I love love itself. It makes the world good.
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Comments (119)
Haha, porn? But that's not bad at all. I mean, you deserve some judgment for anything you've done in the past. But if you're telling people who actually care about you, they'll take whatever you tell them in context, and hopefully realize that maybe you've changed, maybe it was a one-time thing, or whatever you tell them.
I mean, seriously? Seeing porn just to see what it was? Is not bad at all. Plus-- I don't view my life of the checklist of bad things I've done or not done. Life is about experiences. You shouldn't avoid things just to be able to say you've "been good".
Shoot, I watched porn the night I lost my V to someone that wasn't my boyfriend -- I wasn't even dating him! {I did date him for like, 2 weeks though}. We're still not together.
In the 8th grade, me and my female friends used to watch 20 second clips of porn on the internet, and look at pornographic pictures because we were curious. We still don't feel bad about it.
If you watch porn and enjoy it, don't beat yourself up over it -- beat yourself off to it.
...... wow i thought maybe you cheated on someone. you looked at porn, once? really? ....... really? ur a dude
it's just porn.
I know Exactly, how you feel!!! I used to pride myself on never having watched porn. But you just have to let the guilt go. It was a learning opportunity. Now, you just have to take this feeling of disgust and remember it for the next time you feel yourself being tempted into such things.
Watching porn isn't the end of the world. If friends are seriously judging you harshly and negatively for that, you might want to consider getting new friends.
Also, how does saying you watched porn come up in regular conversation anyway? "Oh hey, friends that think human sexuality is disgusting and sinful, guess what I did last Saturday night?!"
I'd be more worried if he cannot remember or is hesitant to tell me how many sexual encounters he has had or the way he treated people than watching porn. I think you are quite possibly one of the rare few who has a guilty conscience and actually evaluates their actions, which I think is a very good thing. you aren't a porn addict so I don't think it is that bad. I think you were just curious and that is okay. I've been curious about many things, normal and taboo. I don't think I'm a bad person because of it nor should you.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - LOL!!! Thats one way to bring up the topic :P
I understand that our past deeds can leave an impression on people in the present, may the impression be good or bad but don't surround yourself with prudes. Watching porn is not a big deal.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - well said.
I, frankly, don't see how the fact that somebody may or may not have watched pornography relates to friendship. (Relationships, on the other hand, are a different case. In a relationship it'd undoubtedly be an issue.) But in a friendship.. if a person is judging you that harshly on one regretful act, it makes them seem just a tad too judgmental toward a thing that doesn't even affect them.
I guess the case could be made that the act somehow defines what kind of person you are, and thus those "friends" may view it as a "deal-breaker" because to them it may look like you are not the type of person that they want to be friends with. But it sounds like for you it was a one time thing and a thing that you now regret, so anybody who judges you on it to the point of thinking that it in any way defines who you are is a total ignoramus.
Um, wow.
Overreact much?
I have never met anyone over the age of 12 that hasn't looked at porn including myself. If it's that much of a big deal to you, take it as a live and learn experience. Plus whoever thinks that a guy looking at porn or even a girl looking at it is "disgusting" and a "deal breaker' obviously does not know it's 2010
Hahah, honestly I encourage people to look at porn and erotica. It doesn't bother me and if my SO had a problem with me doing that then it's obviously not meant to work out. I don't think it's 'cheating' and I think it's socially acceptable long as you're not 'addicted' Giving it to minors, watching it in public place etc....
It's a sexually explicit time my friend, id be confused if someone hadn't taken the time to look at it once.
I know some people have problems or potential 'addict' status though, I guess that would be the only issue...or someone with a fetish that is punishable by law, that's not acceptable either.
if you don't like porn then don't watch it, but you really shouldn't beat yourself up over it. assuming it doesn't involve children or sex slaves then there's no reason to be throwing a moral thing onto it. if you're worried about what women you may date will think, i honestly don't think most will care, in fact one of my exs once told me, "i'd be more concerned about a guy who never watched porn than one who did."
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - LOL I know right?!
If you're so torn up about porn, I can't imagine what's going to happen when you go to a strip joint and get a hard on...
@be__quiet@xanga - i agree....it's not that bad.
@untainted_love_for_her@xanga - @AnonymousBlonde@xanga - very well put!!
How old are you? 8?! Good luck finding the innocent girl of your dreams - there are few if none. If you can't be forgiving of yourself then you won't be of that future girl of her past...so grab those balls and grow up!
Good or bad, you will be judged. It's a matter of how you accept or reject it. Use it to build your character instead of just moping around feeling sorry for yourself.
I think you guys have to remember cultural differences here. Maybe it's not cool in Asia, but acceptable in USA.
@Utoppia - "I shamed my family!!!" *chop*
@Lovebipolar117@xanga - Yeah this is like a fast track to depression. Living your life as a series of checks and blanks. The.. fck..
I think it's great that you feel so penitent about just watching porn once. Yes, it really is a terrible mistake to watch it, but at least you've learned from that mistake!
To add to that, I just want to give you a word of advice: stay away from watching porn from now on. Someone very close to me (a family member) became addicted to watching it and due to his addiction did something terrible (of a sexual nature) to his own daughter. It was absolutely devastating and she lost all trust in him.
To all of you reading this that do watch porn, please stay away. I'm not saying it definitely will, but there is a possibility that it can take hold of you and destroy your life.
Your sexuality should not be something you're ashamed of. You seem repressed and uncomfortable with the way you've lived your life. Why do you let other people judge you so much? Why should it matter? And importantly, why are you telling people? Your sexuality and sexual actions (including watching porn) should be something private for you and any sexual partners you have to know. If you're announcing to people, and now on the internet, it seems you feel like you someone to make you feel better.
If it makes you uncomfortable, then don't do it. If you are comfortable than go ahead. However, you need to learn what is and is not comfortable for you, get over your own guilt, and learn to deal with your sexuality in a mature way. It seems that you shouldn't lose your virginity any time soon, because you're not mature, educated or comfortable enough to do so.
@justcorinne@xanga - This close person to you did not commit his acts against his daughter because of porn. A person that cannot control themselves and lets porn (or anything else) become an addiction has a problem with addiction, but not necessarily because of the object of the addiction. This person clearly has sexual issues, that must be resolved via serious therapy, but porn is not to blame. With or without the porn he would have misbehaved sexually, because he clearly has an issue.
Saying porn is to blame for his addiction and misbehavior is like saying that food is to blame for obesity, alcohol (which is actually good for you in small doses) is to blame for alcoholism, and coffee is to blame for caffeine addiction. That simply is not the case.
You seem to be a part of the problem, actually. A lot of religious people feel self-righteous in that they suppress all of their sexuality in the name of ___(insert thing here)___. They act as if people who lead different lifestyles (lifestyles that do not harm anyone and in fact can benefit others) are morally inferior.
I haven't told one of my closest Christian friends from high school that I had sex with a then-boyfriend of mine after three years of dating. I know her image of me will go down, and for what? Because even though I'm agnostic and have my own set of morals (these mainly include refraining from hurting people and maximizing happiness of those around me), she will feel as though I'm now dirty and not as good a role model as I was before. Just because I chose a certain type of physical intimacy with a long-term boyfriend of mine.
@justcorinne@xanga - What the hell porn did not lead him to do that. If someone becomes addicted to painkillers and as a result of them abandons his family, are you going to go about denouncing painkillers?
Clearly the guy in your family already had psychological issues, as the average person can watch porn in a way that does not negatively affect anyone.
I can't believe people are still so naive these days.
Okay, I can see why you'd feel bad, since you've never done anything sexual before, but it's not the end of the world.
And it's not as if you kept watching, I'm sure everyone has seen porn at least once, whether it be by accident, or curiosity.
Don't beat yourself up over it, you're only human. :]