Thursday, 25 February 2010
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Paranoia, the Relationship Killer
If I could pin point a reason for most breakups, including my previous relationships – I’d say paranoia is the culprit. I have to admit that despite the success of my current relationship there’s still an unsettled feeling of paranoia that likes to show its ugly face from time to time.
Just this morning when my boyfriend left his cell phone on the table, I couldn’t help but wonder what text messages were hidden away inside, what girls he got texts from, or who he sent texts to. It seemed to be right when I thought I could get away with looking through his phone that reason stepped in and paranoia disappeared and I was fine, but what about everybody else – everybody that would have looked through the phone? How does one even resist the urge to be paranoid? Let’s take a look at a few things that might help us...
- Admit you get paranoid to your partner. It definitely sucks having this discussion, but believe me, its better he/she knows you’re crazy up front – at least it worked in my situation. Being honest in a relationship from the get go makes things easier down the road, plus sharing with him/her the story of why you are paranoid can be a healing process
- TRUST your partner. This is definitely a tough one especially if your paranoid because the last person you were with cheated on you. You have to be fair to your new relationship and stop punishing this new guy/gal for mistakes that were made by previous d-bags.
- Do not make mountains out of molehills. For example, just because he/she isn’t responding to your calls doesn’t mean that he/she is ignoring you, for all you know their battery could have died or they are in the middle of something. Relax. Take a deep breath, and do something to take your mind off of whatever it is that is causing you to be paranoid.
For most of us, including me, feelings of paranoia are probably never going to go away, but learning how to work around this evil, terrible feeling will probably save us in the end. How do you deal with paranoia in relationships?
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About the Author
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- From: mobil3gen@xanga
- Name: Sarah
- About Me: I'm a 23 year old small town gal. I love my boyfriend, my dog, my job and I'm overly obsessed with my cell phone and mobile technology...and of course, blogging! When I'm not blogging for Datingish I'm working on my own blog, The Mobil3 Generation. What I've found throughout my blogging and online networking is that its hard to keep a balanced relationship - but through thick and thin its best to vent than to hold it all in, thus my outlet - Datingish.
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Comments (41)
If you never fully trust someone, you'll never get let down.. My motto and I'm sticking to it.
I just sort of.. express my fears on a private Xanga only he can read, and then squelch any major freak-outs.
Gosh, are all girls like you...?
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I have never checked anyone else's texts ever, not my husbands, kids, friends, boyfriends..no ones, How can I expect to trust anyone, or have them trust me...if I don't trust myself? I mean, if I sneak to look at messages...they shouldn't trust me. Right?
I'm the antithesis of a paranoid girlfriend...Everything's much better if you're more laidback.
@Nellie0x@xanga - "You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
...seems relevant.
On the point of paranoia and insecurities... realistically speaking, very few are immune to these things. So, the vast majority of us just have varying levels of "paranoia" in relationships. I'd be lying if I said I knew the best course of action when paranoia "rears its ugly head," but the best cure I've ever come across is intrapersonal. This means looking at yourself and evaluating yourself, the situation, and your fears realistically. Asking questions like "Would my SO really intend to do something like that -something that I'm paranoid about? Do I feel threatened by somebody else? Should I really be threatened? Are these realistic fears or my own insecurities?"
It may seem like a lot of confusing questioning at first, but I find that in the end it truly helps to thoughtfully re-evaluate these things when I feel any sort of "paranoia."
story of my life!
goodness. i have little bouts now and then but i would NEVER go through someone's things. my paranoia is really more like ... little insecurities. and it usually passes rather quickly. or if its something that's an actual nagging problem, i talk to him about it. we're buddies. i mean, i'm a pretty awesome person so if i have an insecurity attack, its usually fundamentally unfounded. lol
I think I'm not paranoid enough sometimes. I was totally cool with my then-bf traveling with another woman. I knew they were just friends. But then he just didn't understand why I expected him to actually contact me while he was on the trip. And when I called him on it, he defended her! Guess I should have been a little less trusting...
Thanks for posting this... I get extremely paranoid and jealous when it comes to relationships, and I really wish I wasn't like that, but I am. I don't know how to handle it most of the time, so I talk about it, and usually people help me get back in touch with the reality of the situation. It's probably better to talk to your partner, yes, but I get scared they'll think I'm crazy (even though I am, and they probably wouldn't like me if I wasn't..), Paranoia is, in fact, the worst relationship killer. Thanks again.
it's good to talk about your paranoia with your partner. if you don't trust your partner enough to understand and to help you through it, then in my opinion, there's not much of a reason to be with that person.
and paranoia is not "something that you can't ever change and that is inherently in all of us". paranoia can be gotten rid of. you just have to discover /why/ you're paranoid, /why/ you're insecure, talk to your s.o. about those things that make you paranoid and insecure, and see if there's a way you can stop (or diminish) those actions.
being overly paranoid is of course not good but sometimes if you seem too trusting and might dismiss the red flags, then that isn't good either
some people might take advantage if you trust them that much, which you're suppose to put your trust in that person, but when he/she breaches your trust secretly and you find out later, you remember the times when you were paranoid and dismissed it since you gave him/her the benefit of the doubt. I'm usually not paranoid unless he acts suspiciously and there are too many coincidences/excuses on their part that don't add up.
how do you keep trusting someone who stops talking to YOU but giggles and laughs with everyon else? CONSTANLTY!?
idk. after two months of this continuous odd behavior, she lost my trust. i talked to her about it once, and she just got mad at me. oh well =\
i dont ever get paranoid if i dont have reason. not talkin for 2 months was good enough reason for me.
am i just a loser?
wow its all so clear. reasons why i get mad and create problems out of nothing? my last bf cheated on me and even though I know my current boyfriend would never cheat there is still that little bug inside my head edging me on...making me paranoid!!!!!! when i look at his phone i tell myself i just wanna see what hes saying about me...but its not that at all ughhh :( need help i love this boy and want to marry him. must correct my habits
I get extremely paranoid sometimes over friendships, but not really relationships. But it doesn't take too much to reassure me.
I feel the exact. same. way. I work with my bf, and at work he acts on the DL about our relationship so I get like, depressed the entire time because he doesn't talk to me any more than anyone else. Like, hello, I'm your girlfriend! Obviously I want to feel special, as in TREAT ME SPECIALLY- not just when we're hanging out one on one! It makes me feel like he doesn't REALLY like me, even though when we're by ourselves he's like madly in love. ARGH!
@eohippus@xanga - I really like that! Thanks.. I guess I just have to find someone to prove me wrong.
agreed.
well being paranoid in the beginning of a relationship is kinda normal because you're still learning to trust one another and earning respect, yada, yada, all that good stuff. But if you've been together for a while, that paranoia feeling should subside...just like those butterflies in your stomach...
i trust him completely and i hope that he trusts me too. i don't like not feeling like i trust him or vice versa. i've seen what paranoia can do to relationships and even my own relationships and i don't want that to ever happen again to me.
paranoia. it haunts me. i'm always trying to get over my paranoia, but it's really hard to overcome because i might forget about it for a few hours, overnight, or maybe even a whole day, but eventually i get back to feeling paranoid. it's something i must get over. with time i hope =-=.
@teacupxgirl@xanga - I'm much the same way and then that, somehow, ends up causing problems, too.
If you're too laid back, then it results in the kind of discussion that ends up with complaints of "oh, well, you obviously don't care about this relationship" and so on and so forth.It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't feel the need to know your every step and move or being completely enmeshed in another's life.Meh
my boyfriend moved into this house with his good guy friend about 8 months ago one of their lady friends live in the house as well. my boyfriend told me he's been friends with her for a long time and i have nothing to worry about. just recently i found out back in the day they were kinda talking to each other. i knew they have been friends and knew each other for a long time, but i never knew they were kinda talking to each other before i came along. the weird thing is she was talking to my boyfriend when she still had a boyfriend so i know she one of those girls that really doesn't care if your in a relationship or not. i trust my boyfriend, but i don't trust her. i didn't want to seem like a crazy girlfriend so i never said anything till a couple of days ago cuz it was really getting to me. turns out shes moving out at the end of march. i guess i can put up with another month of her living with my boyfriend. i'm extremely happy shes moving out though. :)
I lost the girl due to this.
my ex's paranoia is the reason we broke up. and what triggered it was him going through my phone. im sure he now regrets it, but whats done is done. and whats sad is that if he wouldnt have jumped to conclusions we would still be together.