Thursday, 25 February 2010
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Grudge Letters
Dear What's-your-face OR So-in-So:
I'm glad you're fat. I hope you're miserable. And that's not meant to be mean or bitter or, even, to say that I'm not over it. It's just what you deserve.
Love always,
Jeanine
I have this thing for grudges. I love them, actually. Not as a way of life, per se, but, like anything else, they're good in moderation. For example, if your liar ex-boyfriend shows up expectedly at a work function looking unexpectedly fat (and also oddly hairy), I think you should eat it up. Like it's chocolate cake.
See, forgiving and forgetting is time-consuming, sort of exhausting and often counterproductive to my healing process. By rationalizing someone else's behavior, you start to devalue your own. If somebody wrongs you - if they actually do something wrong to you - then they don't deserve your forgiveness or your friendship or your esteem or even your pleasantries.
So why are you trying so hard to give it to them?
I'm not saying that we should wallow in self-pity and/or anger. I just feel that sometimes we need to embrace it. If we're going to actually move on.
But maybe I'm wrong (or mean-spirited, gnarled and bitter.) What do you think? Do you, have you benefited from your grudges? Or do we need to truly forgive to forget?
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About the Author
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- From: jeanine
- Name: jeanine
- About Me: writer, reader, blogger, dog lover, foodie, floater, figuring the rest out
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Comments (19)
Eh. I think it's good to let go...but my hubby's ex, who spent TWO YEARS stalking me and my husband and spreading rumors all over town that I was a fat, ugly whore? [just for the record, I'm not! :P ] Yeah, I was very pleased when she gained 50+ pounds. Nothing wrong with that, I don't think. As long as you aren't seeking them out and whatnot, it's not a big deal. Wouldn't send a letter like that to anyone, but I think it's human nature to hope the people who wronged you "get what they deserve", you know? Is it the most mature thing in the world? No, but if the wounds are still fresh, it's expected.
I don't wish bad things to happen to anyone but I agree. If problems befall on them, it's a-ok with me.
"The best revenge is success"
I don't wish an ill will I don't worry about them. I move on ..even toast to them :) I agree with @normsnaman@xanga if something happens to them thats just their bad karma.
It's just not so missing wishing ill (my mother always said if you have something against someone, wish for them to get diarrhea, anything else will screw over your karma.) More, what I don't get so much is how people try to be "friends" or even "acquaintances" with their exes. If someone does your dirty, why are you trying so hard to say "hello?" I think there's power in letting yourself not like someone. I think it means you, you know, love yourself more.
I find it cathartic to let go of my grudges and forgive and forget. People can change over time; I definitely think that after a certain amount of time passes, it's not worth it to continue to dislike someone. It takes more energy to hate someone, and I try to keep only positive energy in my life.
However, I can only let go of a grudge after I've had proper time to hang onto it and be angry. I can't go straight from "wronged" to "forgive and forget" mode. And during that time when I'm feeling scorned, I will admit to feeling a certain sense of satisfaction when unfortunate circumstances befall those who wronged me. I have a "frienemy" who has treated me like shit and walked all over me for years, and in the last two years, she's put on probably close to 50 lbs. and has just really let herself go. She's become much less attractive to others, and everyone has noticed it. Karma? No, I don't believe in that. But whatever it is, it's pretty damn funny. She's been a real bitch to me over the years, and I don't feel bad for her in the least.
I can't forgive people who have wronged me if they give me a half-hearted apology. I usually forget they ever existed. if I hear that something bad happened to him/her, I don't feel sorry for them, because I think they deserved what was coming for the pain they caused me. I won't write a letter and I won't acknowledge them even when I see them. they are just another stranger to me now.
I think you are absoultely right. It's not fair that our ex-SO's get to play victim, get all the glory, and tell us to "grow up" and "forgive and forget" when they're the one's that were wrong.
As an empathetic person, I've tried the whole forgive and forget thing countless times, trying to rationalize where they're coming from, and with a person who had no empathy to begin with I ended up losing myself trying to compensate for his mistakes. Besides, there are such things as healthy grudges, as in you hold a grudge against what happened to you as to not let anyone in the future pull crap like that again.
Bottom line, when someone is wrong, they're wrong; and if they're too self-absorbed to see it and apologize they don't deserve forgiveness. The best thing you can do is be selfish for a time, love yourself, get hotter, and simply laugh at their misfortunes and hope once and for all they'll see the HUGE METAPHORICAL RED FLASHING LIGHTS IN FRONT OF THEM when a good guy/girl comes along, and maybe this time they won't screw it up. Maybe this time they'll allow themselves to be loved and become better human beings. Maybe.
Not like it would be the worst thing if they couldn't grasp the concept and further screwed up their lives, but you know, whatever works ;)
i believe that grudges......ruin things. they ruin like, everything and everything.
people love those who forgive them. people dont like those who dont forgive them.
if you did something terribly bad, and were sorry about it, wouldn't you want the person to say "thats ok, i forgive you" or would you want them to say " i dont give a crap, you a fag"
but of course, if they dont think their wrong....forgive them anyway. even if they dont deserve it. even if they are jerks, or even if they are nothing but crap. i know that its hard.
idk. i have weird ideas lol
nice post! =D
I don't hold grudges. It only hurts ME, not the other person.
i whole heartedly love this post.
I can't hold grudges.
I'm angry or upset for one day or so then I just don't care anymore. Of course, I've never been cheated on or had a bad relationship that would require me to be constantly bitter to the other person. Then again, it takes a lot of shit for me to care honestly...I've lost a lot of friends in the past and I held a grudge for a week tops.
Eh, I think it's childish. People just need to move on...get on with their lives. Karma works in mysterious ways, I think that is what motivates me the most.
i dunno, my first girlfriend cheated on me and left me for a guy with the same first name and honestly i was bitter whenever i saw her for the next couple years, but eventually i grew up and let go. as weird as it is we're friends now, i know she's a serial cheater and i'd never date her again, but i'll still go to her place and get stoned occasionally.
I hold more grudges than anybody but I don't exact revenge because I don't want that person to know that they hurt me. I just move on and leave them alone but they might get the hint that they did something to upset me.
I don't hold grudges, I forgive everyone. If there is someone I don't want in my life I just pick them up and take them out of it but I don't hold evil thoughts over them.
grudges are great, but not always rewarding.
seriously, nothing i have ever read has ever made this much sense to me. i think this blog just changed my life. i am going to go be happy now and forget about that stupid cunt that screwed me over. it was her fault, not mine.
Oh I can hold a grudge when I want to. Now I don't know if it's karma or what, but the last people I held grudges against, one got sick, one nearly got run over by a bus, one crashed a car at work, one burnt her chin....
My mum could hold a grudge too. Probably karma too that the boss she hated somehow managed to trip over something and shattered his whole leg.
Just live your life happy.. I think you are just being bitter... Sucks how you handle a bad situation by doing another bad thing... If i were you, you should just wish him well and go on with your life... You will rip the rewards of doing something good when someone wrongs you in the future.. That's Karma in a good way...
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