Would it bother you if your SO can't remember the number of people they slept with?
I know in certain cases it's because they don't want to tell you in order to avoid a fight but when my friend told me he really couldn't remember, I cringed a little. I know as long as he's safe and clean, I shouldn't lecture him. But when he asked me for advice whether or not to answer his girlfriend about his number, I felt morally challenged.
On one hand, he's my friend so of course my first instinct was to tell him to round down his closest number. On the other hand, as a girl, I would hate it if someone did that to me. (Rounding down, lying about the number, etc.) I told him that if she wants to be with him, number shouldn't matter. Those words left my lips for 5 seconds before I admitted I was bullshitting him.
I asked him what the possibility of her breaking up with him if he did come out and say I really can't remember all of them. He told me she might not break up with him but he would be in the dog house for a long time. So I packed away my v-jay for a second and told him to count only his relationship partners and make sure to reiterate that his last physical came back clean as a whistle.
What do you think? Would this bother you?
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Comments (85)
Wow. how does he not know? That's almost scary to me... I think it would bother me a little, but at some point that past has to be the past.
It would bother me, but the important thing is the present, not the past. If he was really super promiscuous in college, but cooled down a lot afterwards, and was committed to the girl in the present, the past shouldn't really matter. Everyone can change.I wouldn't rely on lying though for the girl to not leave. She shouldn't leave because she realizes what I just said above.
And of course, being clean definitely matters.
thats really sad that he doesnt know...
it would bother me if i were to sit around thinking about it constantly, but hey, the past is the past and you cant change it so theres no reason to dwell on it. my only concern would be whether or not hes a cheater or player or if he takes things seriously. but thats something that will just need figured out down the road i guess. and if the guy really is in it for the relationship then his past is something that can be overcome.
He doesn't remember? If a guy told me he didn't remember I would automatically assume... very high...
What bothered me with my bf wasn't much of his number but the fact that he always used it against me when we were arguing saying he'd "know better so he had more experience" in both sex wise and in relationship. He hardly if at all says that anymore when it finally made me crack and I told him it made him look like a man-whore and if he had more experience relationship wise he'd not act like an idiotic high school boy.
As far as your friend's situation, that's a tough one. I'd be unsure what to tell him as well if I were in that position.
If he cant remember, that's a huge red flag to me. Especially since if you cant remember, you cant remember if it was protected or not.
As for test results, I was told to get tested TOGETHER & get the results TOGETHER. If the other person doesnt want you there, that's another red flag. Repeated testing is SO important, even in monogamous relationships. So many things can pop up even after testing negative & some people are only carriers so they dont suffer symptoms but can spread the strain.
I don't think I'd ask the question in the first place...
Don't ask someone something you can't handle knowing the answer to I guess.
I feel really irritated when he says he doesn't know the number. My ex boyfriend said "I don't know, too many to count" - something along those lines. That just fully pissed me off.
oh yes. if he can't remember the actual number of women he has slept with, then he's a no go for me! Thankfully it's not an issue for me =)
I'd keep my mouth shut about that questin, at least until word starts getting out.
he'll probably be required to wear a full body condom before he touches me
I'd want to know how many serious committed relationships he has been in and the duration it lasted more than the specific number of sexual partners/hook ups, but if he is hesitant to say, most likely he is ashamed, what else.
I'm going to sound like an absolute wet blanket.
When I bring up topics with my kids like waiting until marriage to have sexual intercourse, I get told--lemme see--how does it go? “Dad--things are different than when you were a kid!” --or--“You are so old-fashioned!” --or-- “--judgmental!” or my personal fav--I’m “imposing (my) morality.”
I remember the Sexual Revolution hype in the late 1960’s. That’s when the line “We don’t need a piece of paper. All that matters is that we love each other.”
And lo and behold, the question arises in another form to plague the new generation. “Is it right? Is it wrong? Has it really been so many partners I lost count? Should I be honest with the other person?”
I had to sit down a minute and figure out a way of looking at this that didn’t make me sound like an absolute Victorian prude. What I came up was this:
It’s like cheating on a diet. How much is too much? When you feel bad? When you’re afraid to ‘fess up? You cheat a little and shrug it off. So you feel okay about indulging a little more--and so on.
Or like booze. At what point do you become a problem drinker? Some seem to become hooked at a drink a day. Some can have x number of beers and drinks a day and no prob--or so they say.
If someone wants to tell me I’m too strict, I’ll be glad to listen. If people think I'm too harsh or stretching the point for linking this one question with a broader of sexual morality, lay it on me. But it seems to me that when people have difficulty being up front with someone they want to share the most intimate type of relationship with--if it’s an issue of shame or embarrassment--and I’ve been there too--my life is nowhere near spotless--then it seems that there's a real problem.
My fav author C.S. Lewis says this: "Why take on the high and holy obligation of Chastity when one hasn't mastered the simple virtue of Honesty?
Yes.
numbers shouldn't matter, but if you ask whether you should know something before getting intimate, you should expect an answer, otherwise, you'll just simply have to refuse all forms of intercourse unless you get confirmation from the docs, assuming the docs are a reliable source.
As long as you aren't itching and burning down there and you can ballpark a number, you're good.
I'm always honest about it (10<x<20), so if a girl really wants to judge me on that, so be it. Four of them were girls I seriously dated and I never cheated. People tend to overlook the circumstances.
Yeah, right. As if they keep a diary each time they fuck.
That would definitly bother me because i can remember the dates and persons and its all on one hand. This further more proves my reason for not having sex for awhile and getting whoever i do end up with tested for everything.
of course it would borther me...I mean, how can someone don't know the number. okay...sometimes I have to think about it for a few minutes, but I know, and I'm sure it happens with a lot of people.
haha either alot.. or none at all
There are only two reasons someone doesn't know their number - they're a slag or a virgin.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
But STDs are too scary. It cant take months for it to show up, and they don't check for everything all the time. Usually just HIV, syphilis, gonno, and chamida. If you want to check for the other stuff you have to shell out some major cash if your doctor or health department sucks.
Plus, guys are less likely to show symptoms of STDs than girls. So he could be riddled with stuff and not even know it.
that would bother me.
a LOT.
if u cant remember the number its definitely high. =/
I can tell my future girlfriend pretty simple how many sexual partners I have had
The answer is zero.