So I've been seeing this girl for about a year. She's from Italy and although I speak Italian, it is my second language, and as we approach a more serious stage of our relationship, I begin to question the language problem while looking towards the future.
I learned Italian while I was working in Italy earlier this year. I'm fluent, but not mother-tongue. I can communicate all my doubts and desires, crack a joke, but I notice that I'm not nearly as quick or comfortable in Italian as I am in English. It's the little things like connotations, slang and the ability to decipher lies. Now I'm not trying to say I'm a human lie detector in English, but the idea is that I have a much better understanding of people, what they are trying to say and the impulses and feelings which are the backbone of our verbal language.
Now we've heard the sayings like: "Love is an universal language" and "True love doesn't necessitate words, but the time has come to put these sayings to the test.
My Albanian roommate in Italy had been living there for 20 years. I was talking to her about this dilemma and she told me it took her more than five years in order to comfortably establish meaningful relationships in her second language. She also said that Italian would not be the language between her son and she.
I agree that it would be possible to one day get over these language issues that I'm troubled with now, however, I'm more concerned about the second half of her advice: that her second language would not be the language of her family despite its presence as the national language, this meaning she would prefer her mother tongue in the most meaningful of relationships.
I love this girl very much, but in such an important relationship, I'm thinking it may be important to share a common mother-tongue. As much fun as I'm having with my girlfriend now, the misalignment of mother tongues could be problematic in the long-run.
Does anyone else have experience with falling in love in a second language? If so, how did you deal with the language barrier?On a more philosophical note:
How do you rank the importance of a common mother-tongue when it comes to serious relationships?
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Comments (28)
Well, I'm currently (and still) trying learn some Tagalog, which is my girlfriend's language (although she talks fluently in English). If you feel a concern about it, talk to her and ask how she feels. It's great that you want to further your second language, but if it's not too much of a concern to her, it's something that does not have to stressed.
my second language (english) is now my more dominant language and i fell in love in english. my bf and i both speak my first language although it's his second... we don't communicate in it often... only when we want to talk about other people or to our parents so that language thing was not a problem for us.
i can see how it can be a problem though. communication is key in a relationship and i'm sure there are things you want to say to her in english that gets lost in translation and it just doesnt have the same effect. i wish you the best of luck though
honestly, i wouldn't choose to do that myself. verbal sparring is one of my favorite hobbies, and it's an unfair match when one of you is fluent and the other isn't. i dated a guy from Mexico for a while, and though he spoke English fluently and i could get along in Spanish, neither of us had the same turn-of-phrase in the other's native language that we had in our own. i love language and use a rich and nuanced vocabulary, and i want to know that my partner can understand and appreciate everything i'm saying.
that said, i do know a number of couples who have overcome this barrier- most notably my bff's parents; one is of South American descent and grew up in Europe (mostly France and Italy), and the other is of Polish descent and moved here from Canada. their household is a veritable cornucopia of language and culture, and it's a fascinating and beautiful thing. so i think a language difference can enrich a relationship or detract from it, the key deciding factor being flexibility and personal preference.
English is my second language , while portuguese is my first since I am from Brazil but I've been living in the USA for years and I speak it like an American.
My ex was dominican and he spoke mostly spanish and since I knew it, I also spoke it though it was hard to decipher lies and other expressions but it worked, though now I think about it, the language was probably the reason he got away with the cheating..
Anyway, my fiance is American(Puerto Rican) and we both agreed to raise our kids learning english and portuguese, since he is also learning portuguese,because the more languages, the better. He doesn't speak spanish so that doesn't really matter lol, though they will probably learn also.
Good luck with your relationship ; it'll work out for the best
well, of course it's best to communicate with your love ones in your mother tongue (that's what I prefer and wanted too), but for your case, you two can communicate ok and fluently in Italian, so that doesn't post much of a problem really, because if you do love her, Italian being your second language shouldn't be a problem.
My parents communicate in what is a second language for both of them, and my first language: English.
It works (:
The best way is for either one of you to spend the time to get to the "mother tongue" level of the second language. I speak fluent Turkish and English, although my mother tongue(so to speak, my mum is actually from the Faroe Islands, which have their own language, that I also speak), is English, after living in Turkey for nearly 8 years I find that Turkish comes out easier now. My boyfriend appriciates my language skills a lot, seeing as he doesn't speak English much at all.
Anyway, good luck! :)I've had a Chinese boyfriend back then. Though, he knows Tagalog and English, it sometimes annoys me when he talks to his classmates in Mandarin. I felt being left out. T__T I tried to learn it but to no avail. T'was really hard! So, we kinda talk it out and he was considerate enough to agree that he'll translate every Chinese word to me. :))
My first ('mother') language is Russian and since I live in the U.S. now, I suppose every relationship I've had could be said to be in my second language. However, the fact that I've lived here for a considerably long amount of time (going on 9 years now) and from a young age (since I was 9), it's probably much easier to deal with the "second language" barrier than it is in your case since I'm probably more articulate in English than half of my peers (that have English as their mother language). I understand what you mean about the nuances and little meanings here and there that only fluent or native speakers can pick up in a language, which is why I guess the best option would be for you to try to master Italian (if possible) so that you can attain fluency level. I know it must be tough and it's probably not a very cheerful proposition, but it seems like the best solution. Good luck. :)
Meh. My uncle lives in Germany with his fully German wife and their child, but he speaks only the German that he's picked up from living there. He does understand German to a precision that came with all the years of living there (a little over 20, I think), just like my aunt and cousin can understand him when he speaks English to them. It's quite entertaining, actually, my uncle will speak English to them and they'll answer back in German and so on.
It's not about being able to speak the language, it's about being able to understand what the other person is saying. As long as you can understand and reciprocate the intimacy in what she's saying and she can do the same with you, it'll all be fine.
i could never date someone who didnt speak my first language. mostly because im absolutely dreadful at languages. i would not be able to learn enough to be comfortable enough to not be constantly frustrated while talking to them.
I only date hispanic guys, and although most of them speak a decent amount of English, I do get what you mean that it could be a barrier. The only thing you can do at this point is to just stick it out and work harder at learning the language. Other people do it all the time! Including me!
I love Italians
My boyfriend's mother tongue is Croatian, as he lives in Croatia, but he speaks English very fluently (which is extremely good because I don't know a word of Croatian!). He has told me before that he doesn't have much of a problem with the language gap, but I know that it sometimes distorts meanings and such. We personally don't have many problems with it, and I think as long as you can decipher what the other is saying, it should work out.
Good luck!
I was thinking about this today in German class!
I would prefer to marry someone who has been speaking English since they were born [even if that means that they are bilingual] because of communication issues. You create a bond through talking.
I don't think I'd date someone who didn't speak and understand fluent english like I do. I wouldn't want communication misunderstandings. I can't even stand people who speak english but slur their english words when they talk.
it's a problem if you want to discuss deep thoughts, as language is highly influenced by your culture and experiences. having learned 3 languages and knowledge of 2 others, i can attest to that. there are just certain thoughts i can describe only in one language, and something is lost in translation. however, a relationship is also built of cultures and experiences. i think with enough time, you will come to understand each other despite language barriers. speech is only a small segment of what is deemed 'communication' =)
i'm in a funny position because english is my third language but the one i'm most comfortable with. if i dated someone in my mother tongue, i don't think that would work very well.
I've met a few guys who spoke English as a second language, and there is so much misunderstanding that nothing has developed...yet.
Love crosses all boundaries, tis true. But for it to last, it requires effort by both parties involved. In your case, maybe especially so. Even if you spoke the same mother tongue, however, there might be other obstacles to overcome. I would assume your Italian would only improve in the long run and thereby prove less of an issue, if anything, not more.
I once dated this Korean boy in China who barely spoke English. I barely spoke Chinese. Between the two languages, we made do. Not without some misunderstandings, but that's part of the charm and fond memories, no? :) Hope it works out for you--if you both so choose...
I definitely think that this could be problematic but then again, I think it could make the relationship that much more challenging and interesting. I'm learning Italian and I speak fluent English(mother language), I think that being in a relationship spoken in ones second language could only end up making the relationship stronger.
i run into this problem once in a while when i'm with my bf, he and i are both asians but we both have our own languages and there are instances when i come upon something that i want to tell him in my own language but i can't because he doesn't understand my language and i don't understand his language so i try to explain it as best as i could in english but it's never fully explained to the point where i want to explain it to him. but i think about it and even if we're both different and english is our second language, as long as we understand the language of love, i'm totally fine with it.
If you two are able to communicate your issues openly and clearly, then why should mother tongues be an issue? If you need a dictionary, use a dictionary. Using language as an excuse not to be involved with someone you care deeply about is lame, and you'd only be hurting yourself and your girlfriend in the long run.
My best friend's parents speak only their second language to each other. She is Mexican, he is German. When they met, she spoke no English, and learned it while they were dating (they met in Mexico). They were able to BOTH overcome their second-language barrier. You can, too.
If you're serious about pursuing a relationship and a future with this girl, then be open with her. If she says something and you're not sure what she means, ask. She's the only one who can help you with it. On many levels, it's no so different than misunderstandings between individuals even with the same native language. Misunderstandings happen. If you're willing to put forth the effort to overcome them, then go for it.
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - Mexicans are hot.
I lived in Italy for 6 months. LOVED it. :) I dated a lot while I was there, and eventually it was guys who spoke only Italian (I had learned to speak Italian pretty well by that point). I found that it was a double-edged sword... the language barrier was, I think, a big part of what made them attractive to me and made our relationships exciting. But then it was also, hence the name, a barrier. There were certain things that I just couldn't explain in Italian and that they didn't understand in English. I would also get frustrated with always trying to understand and be understood, especially when I was tired.
Your situation is probably a lot different, since you've been with your ragazza for a long time. I know it's worked for some people. My friend from Colorado is married to an Italian man, but he speaks and understands English extremely well. I would say the biggest issue for them is not language, but cultural customs. Allora, ancora sogno dei ragazzi italiani, ma mio marito e' nato in Ohio!!
It doesn't say in the post - where do you live now? If you live together in an English speaking country, you shouldn't worry. You'll both end up speaking English which will also be the mother tongue of your kids.
I fell in love with an Italian too, we've been together for almost 6 years now. First we spoke in English (which is the mother tongue of neither of us), but then I moved to Italy so soon enough I picked up the language and that's what we use together now. We do have minor communication problems at times but it's never anything serious.
It's not the language difference that's so annoying, there are other aspects of culture where it's so much more difficult to adapt. E.g. here in Italy, incredible as it sounds, party culture is so tame it's almost more exciting to stay at home. I almost only party abroad.