Monday, 22 February 2010
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Secret Girl-Code?
My best friend, Jane, and I were pretty much like sisters. Her mom was like a second mother to me, and mine was to her. Back in 2003, Jane was dating this guy named Kevin. They broke up after about 4 months into their relationship. He broke it off with her because they only got to see each other once every two weeks and he couldn't handle the distance. Two weeks after the break up, she found a new man, Mark.
Fast-forward 2 years.
Jane is still dating Mark and they are very happy together. Jane and I ended up growing apart a little bit. We stopped hanging out as much, she had a BF she was always with, I made a few new friends, found different interests, but we still kept in touch. We were still there for each other through thick and thin. Now, my new group of friends happened to include Kevin. After a couple of months of hanging out with these people, Kevin and I started getting closer and we realized that we liked each other very much. He and I wanted to be together, but he's my best friend's ex so I laid off for a while...
A few more months pass by and Kevin and I are still talking, still liking each other. So, the only right thing to do would be to tell Jane, right? So, I called Jane and told her the situation. She was completely fine with it. Her exact words were, "If you guys like each other and feel happy around each other, you guys should be together." I said, "Well, if it bothers you, I won't date him. I understand if you'd feel awkward and weird about the whole situation." She said, "No, no, I have Mark now and we're happy together, if you think he's a good guy and you like him a lot, go ahead. I won't stop you from having a potentially awesome relationship." I thought that the conversation we had gave me the green light.
Apparently I was wrong, because two years later (while I'm still dating Kevin) she breaks up with Mark and starts telling everyone that I stole her boyfriend. How did I find out? I had four people telling me that I was messed up and asking me why I would do such a thing...one of them being my mother.
I confronted her about what she said and she pretty much told m that it wasn't right of me to have dated him because she really wasn't okay, and I should have known that she wasn't okay about it. It angered me cause she said, "if you guys are happy, you guys should be together." Now she's going around acting like I betrayed her and is telling anyone who brings up my name that story.
Is there something I'm missing? Is there a girl-code that I should've been aware of? Was it wrong of me to have dated Kevin? Have any of you ever been in a situation like this?
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About the Author
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- From: daaaaaaang@xanga
- Name: Jessica
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Comments (102)
Oh geez! It would have been wrong if you tried to date him a few weeks later, but you frikkin waited two years AND she had been dating her new guy for that long. Ridiculous. I can understand if she was in love with him, but really, she should have been honest. You did what you were supposed to do as a friend and that was to wait and then ask her about her feelings. If she can't give you the decent and honest answer than she can't be mad when her feelings get hurt. Your friend is being ridiculous. Humans aren't mind readers. What a selfish and jealous brat.
Girl codes are utterly and completely stupid.
With that said, she's being completely out of line. You only break the "girl code" if you date her ex behind her back without her acknowledgement. Seeing as how you told her about the situation and she gave you her blessings, there's no reason why she should be upset. But now you know, don't date anymore of her exes.
Why do women do this to themselves? Some women (or most according to men) feel as though people KNOW what they mean or how they feel. "He should've known to say sorry" "She should've known that I was hurt" ugh! Open your mouth and say how you feel. I digress
You did your part by telling her that the guy was interested in you and the feeling was mutual. I don't know maybe shes upset thats its going well for you and not for her. Maybe she wants her cake and to eat hers too. I have no idea. You should feel no guilt she said that it was ok and thats what you went on...not your telepathic capabilities to read her mind and to see that she is in fact not ok.
*facepalm*
This is why I don't talk to women. Everything is some kind of fucking code to them and they constantly contradict themselves. If someone says, "yes", I'm GOING TO BELIEVE it means "yes".
GOD.
FUCKING BITCHES.
@Vanagloria@xanga - I know right? I hate that shit! Like women EXPECT everyone to have fucking mind-reading powers and KNOW EVERYTHING. UGH!
Girls are bitches. Best keep them at a distance if you're one of them, 'cause 2 (or more) bitches = drama, fighting, & sheer emotional stupidity.
umm lol she is just bitter
@s_h_a_sha@xanga - yeah, probably.
you did nothing wrong. you explicitly asked her if it was ok, so she had the opportunity, even if she was feeling weird about it, to say something. and she only dated the guy for four months, and only saw him every two weeks even then? puh-leeze!
THAT SAID, often times when friends go on and on about how someone is a "great guy", that right there is a yellow light for me. if my gal pal is gushing, i suspect she may have secret feelings for a guy. i once held off dating a guy indefinitely because the gal pal who introduced us was in a LDR and had feelings for the guy she was trying to set me up with- recipe for disaster? definitely! but she only confessed those feelings after i turned her friend down. they say a woman's heart is a fortress, and some secrets simply can't be coaxed or pried out. there's o excuse for her slandering you, but just because she said it was ok...i always use my feelers on this one.
well your best friend has to learn the meaning of 'say what you mean and mean what you say'
You did your part, you told her about it before you and Kevin had a relationship. I think she has to mean what she told you when you sorta asked permission from her.
She just needs to grow up and respect others' happiness.
I was in the opposite (but similar?) situation. My best friend started dating my ex-boyfriend about a month after we broke up. We had dated for 3.5 years, and I was dating someone else at the time, but I was definitely not ok with the two of them dating because...iono, that's just kind of messed up.
And girl-code is subjective, but for the most part, I would say that most people would side with me in this case. In your case though, I would side with you. I mean, when she told me about it, I was very very adamant that I was not ok with her dating him. And even though my opinion did not matter to her, she's still a good friend of mine and I'm not badmouthing her to our friends (anymore...).
No offense, but your friend sounds like a two-faced bitch.
Generally though, it's probably a good idea for you to stay away from your friend's exes. Some girls are more okay with it than others, but for the most part, you're going to ruffle some feathers when you do it. I mean, you have to do what you have to do, but girls in general seem to place more importance in boys than we do in our friends (sad, but true from what I can tell). You can't just expect her to be okay with it. I'm not saying that this excuses her from acting like a bitch; I'm just saying that it's kind of expected :/
Good luck!
Your friend is just fucked up in the head. She is probably angry from the break-up and you're the lucky person she choose to blame it on. Another thing, "girl-code" is one of the dumbest thing ever existed. It follows NO logic what so ever.
No, she's mental.
she psycho. while dating a friend's ex is typically a no-no in the girl code handbook, you waited more than an acceptable amount of time, she had obviously moved on, AND you asked her permission.
I think she's at complete fault here. She should of been honest with you if she wasn't okay with it from the beginning and she was also with Mark. I don't see why she would go around changing her story but maybe she just wants to show you her true colors that she's a bitch. Lol. A lying bitch at that. I wouldn't sweat about it because what she's telling everyone isn't true. She's probably just bitter and envy you.
Btw, I think its perfectly fine to date a friend's ex as long as you spoke to them first about it and they give you the 'go ahead' saying. I think once the relationship is over, a period of time has passed, and both parties are healed from it, it's a fair game!
Wow, your friend is a bit off her rocker, eh?
This lies completely on her shoulders. You did the right thing. Usually I'm against people dating their friends' exes, but I think you did it the right way. You waited until she was happy in her relationship and was pretty much "over" her ex. Instead of going forth with the relationship, you asked her permission first. She essentially said that she would be fine with it, and when she wasn't, she put all the blame on you. Low.... very low on her part.
Your friend has problems. She is miserable so now she wants you to be miserable.
Your friends crazy, she gave you the go ahead. Its crazy that after two years of you dating him she flips out.
That's retarded. Your friend is just being stupid. And any kind of "Girl code"/"Guy code" is stupid, too. You went out of your way to ask your friend if she was comfortable with it, and she told you she was. If she wasn't, that was her opportunity to tell you, but because she didn't -- it's her own fault.
You are 110% in the right on this one, dear. That's lame that she is going around slandering your name, but I wouldn't even worry about it. Explain your side of the story to anyone who comes in one-sided. I guarantee you they will instantly claim your side.
Personally I feel that it is always a bad idea to date a friend's ex because I feel that a lot of women are psycho about this issue (case in point: your friend). You did the right thing and were a great friend and waited a long time and even asked her. If she really had an issue with it, she should've said it upfront, especially considering you two were such good friends she should've been honest from the start just like you were. Now she's probably upset about being single and is mad because she probably wants you to be single. Also, he was no longer boyfriend, God it had been years since they dated. So not only is she dramatic but sounds slightly delusional. Drop your friend, she doesn't deserve your friendship.
lol ...just be careful ur so call best friend will start talking crap about you..
but yeaa :) if she really like that -.-" no point of being her best friend i guess ................i don't know she should be happy for u ..that u find ur love one!!! :)You should've got her out of your life while you had the chance.
been there....wondering the same thing. only i wasn't even dating the guy...we were just hanging out and I was friends with the guy before my friend dated him.
No. She's just bored and starting drama for her entertainment.
It's not just between girls. It's between girls and guys as well. The one thing that girls (and guys) need to understand is that you need to say what you really feel. People can't read other peoples' minds. You didn't do anything wrong. You asked her if it was okay. She said, "It's fine. I'm good." You went ahead. It's her fault that she's trying to play games.
While I do not agree with your friend, since she gave you green light. Always remember no ex's, friends of friends, or family through marriage (unless you're from the south ;P). It never works and will always winds up bad.