Monday, 22 February 2010
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Three is Too Much Company
When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other two years back, he introduced me to this girl he claimed to be his best friend.
During that time, he was working as a cashier at a local cafe, and the boss was really cool so friends would go by and hang out. What made me really uncomfortable was the fact that his best friend was there every single day for practically his whole shift. She would even drive across town to have a cigarette with him late at night. There were days that she would bring cookies and food she made just for him.. The most uncomfortable thing was that on several occasions while I was visiting him, she would come in completely dressed up in club wear...like...stillettos, a lot of cleavage-baring shirts, and short skirts in the middle of the day. There was a time when I said, "Heyy, look at you! You look really nice; where are you coming from?" Her response: "Home." So I would ask, "Oh, so where ya goin? What's the occasion?" Her response: "I just felt like dressing up." In my head I was thinking, "To see my boyfriend? Like that? At a cafe where you're just going to sit?"
And, as if ALL THAT wasn't bad enough, I never really got to spend alone time with him because she was always hanging out with us. I tried not to feel threatened, I really tried, but then I thought about me and my other friends' relationships with our best guy friends and in no way is it anything like the relationship my boyfriend had with this girl. I couldn't help but feel that either she liked him, or they liked each other. I stayed quiet for a while because I didn't want to tell him what to do with his friends. I kind of got over it after a while until HE told me that his boss and his friends asked him what happened with me and if the two of them were dating. I had to give him my two cents on how much it bothered me. I didn't want him to lose his best friend, but I did want them to tone it down a notch. I also didn't want to seem insecure, but she was pretty much taking away my job as a girlfriend and leaving me with the sex. He said he talked to her about it, but she still didn't stop, so I decided that I didn't want to do this anymore. I tried to break it off with him, but he really wanted to be with me, so he just stopped talking to her. I didn't make him do anything...
I know this may sound kind of selfish, but I'm so freakin glad that he doesn't talk to her anymore. Yet at the same time I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. So, I told him to call her up and hang out with her, but he refuses to, saying that it would be weird. What bothers me is that he keeps putting this guilt trip on me like I MADE them stop talking or something..
Was it really my fault? Was it wrong for me to have felt the way I did? Have any of you ever been in this kind of situation?
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- From: daaaaaaang@xanga
- Name: Jessica
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Comments (44)
its not your fault, you let your feelings be known, and he acted accordingly. dont feel guilty. that girl sounds shady. my ex always had a lot of girl friends that would always hang around, hug him, try to dance with him, and stuff while i was standing right there. but he would always keep his attention on me, ignore them and even told me that they werent important. as long as you trust your boyfriend and he treats you with respect you have nothing to worry about.
i don't blame you for feeling how you did, and personally, i respect how patient and careful you were about the situation.
Funny story -- I was about to make a blog related to this.
Guys in a relationship can't have best chick friends. It's just not gonna happen. My best friend is a dude, and every time he gets a girlfriend, his GF and I never get along. There's ALWAYS some type of animosity. And inevitably, he spends more time with his GF and I lose out. Is that fair?
Think of it from the friend's point of view. Yes, I admit, it does sound kinda shady, and you're probably right to be suspicious. However, your boy was clearly into you, not her. Hell, he stopped talking to her for you, so that should mean something. Honestly, I don't know the whole story, but yes -- he should still talk to his best friend, if that's what she was to him. Push for him to continue being friends with her, because it's not fair that they get no relationship because of yours.
All in all, though, it's not wrong for you to be jealous. If he was spending so much time with her that it was ruining your relationship, you have a right to be upset! At the same time, he should be able to have his friends and his girlfriend and be in peace. Maybe he could consider a new balance between his friend/relationships instead of it being one or the other.
good job. You gotta speak your mind girl! I wouldnt let no girl prance around my nigga dressing like that when she didnt come from anywhere or plan on going anywhere. And, to be with him at work all damn day? No.
I liked what you said...leaving you with the sex part. Great point.
Guys have female friends, but they also need to respect the Girlfriend. You deserve time with him, but they do too. You guys could have easily have split the time 50-50.
I will admit though, that it sounds like she likes him, so I'm glad she's out of the picture.
It's not your fault. You've admitted your insecurities even if it's to yourself and you were trying to do the mature thing by wanting to leave because you didn't like how those insecurities were making you feel. Insecurities can make people act immaturely but you acted maturely with yours when you wanted to leave because you felt uncomfortable. He may have talked to her and she may just refuse to listen. But it's not your fault HE had CHOSEN to stop talking to her and ignore her altogether. He's stupid to put the guilt trip on a choice he made.
Don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. Besides, you've been patient and understanding enough and really, I admire you for that. :)) What you did was already considered a little sacrifice to keep him happy (and to keep your relationship). It's pretty much his turn now, to decide what's best and to do some sacrifices.
Hm, though, I still think you guys should talk about it.
@Hermeown@xanga - you totally contradicted yourself
you should not blame yourself, for it 's not your fault and you have showed your patience
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i think one on one time with the opposite sex if your in a relationship should be VERY limited. its fine to have friends, but time alone is not good. cuz feelings will definitely take place. even if you trust your SO it will be the other person involved, and i dont want to share
@tykazowsky@xanga - Agreed. Though unless, of course, that your best friend of the opposite sex is like a brother or a sister to you, then you know for sure feelings ain't gonna happen.
@tykazowsky@xanga - Eh, probably did. I was trying to voice my own sentiments, and then trying to take her situation into consideration.
@KittySolntsova@xanga - Heh. Many "brother/sister" relationships turn into more. Happens plenty of times. ;)
"Heyy, look at you! You look really nice; where are you coming from?"- i loled at that part
from personal experience this girl was doing that with my friends new boyfriend, she kept playing the "but were best friends" card and i definitely told bot the guy and girl that she liked him and he didn't believe me until she finally admitted it. It such a shame. That girl wasn't his best friend she liked him. i don't even hang out with my best friend who is a guy that much, and even less when hes going out with someone
You didn't do anything wrong. I think you did the right thing. He did the right thing as well (finally) for stopping talking to her. And if he IS laying a guilt trip on you for it, then stop wasting your time. because he shouldn't feel he's missing out... And don't tell him to go hang out with her.
@cdedodgethis@xanga - well said! i don't need to go down any further to read the rest of the comments.
no i dont think its your fault. i would feel the exact same way in your shoes. "hey look at you! you look really nice" -- exactly the same thing i would say hahah. i like how you decided to walk away instead of forcing your bf to change for you: i don't think many girls who are feeling what you felt would do that. that said, if he's trying to guilt trap you into feeling like you cost him his best friend, then i would suggest you reevaluate him as your boyfriend. a good friend wouldnt do that. so why should your bf have the right to do that?
is she umemployed because she has all that free time to dress up to hang out with him at his work place?
is it one of those cafes where teens and college kids hang out late at night so she is dressing up like a skank to attract attention from other guys? she is his best friend but maybe need to find other hobbies and not bother him at work even if the boss is cool with it. it isn't your fault. she just has nothing better to do with her time so she brings him food and cookies. I think she might be jealous that you have entered the picture and possibly stealing time away from her best friend so she is trying to make you see how close of a friendship that they have by driving across town to see him to smoke a cigarette and stealing away most of the time so you can't spend that much time with him. I think they should still talk and hang out but not during his work hours.
I have a female best friend and no girl would ever get in the way of that. Unless she was dead, dead fit.
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I had this problem - it worked out because she chose her friend over me, then cheated on him and I think she's pregnant now! Whats that line from Identity, "Whore's don't get a second chance!" lol jk
If my girlfriend would make me choose between her and my best friend [who is a girl], I'd choose my best friend. Seniority/the least amount of bitch moves [by not making me choose] rules.
@KittySolntsova@xanga - i disagree. the strongest love i ever felt towards a girl was originally a brother/sister relationship and neither of us remotely liked eachother, but then your eyes just open and see whats before them. and boom
Him putting the guilt on you sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
He wants to both have you as a girlfriend and have this sketchy little girl best friend as well.
Yet he knows he can't have both. Thus, he is resentful.
But he's just going to have to deal with it and grow up.
@KittySolntsova@xanga - or unless the friend of the opposite sex is gay!
I feel you, girl. Our boyfriends can have "female" friends but they also have to respect our relationship with our boyfriends too. He's probably looking for someone to blame because he misses the attention he got or he just need to grow up and realized he wanted you and not his best friend.