Sunday, 21 February 2010
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"Suddenly It's Not I Did This, It's We Did This"
Recently my best friend here in New York has begun dating another best friend that I've made here. The girl's name is Meghan and the guy's name is Richard. Now Meghan has remained pretty much the same since they started dating, still spending time with me, and still having serious conversations with me. Richard however has reverted into this "silent" disposition, of which now everything that happens to him I hear relax through Meghan.
This infuriates me.
Now it would seem that if anyone was avoiding me, or untrusting of the situation it'd be Meghan, considering that she could become jealous or insecure if I spent time with Richard alone and she got the idea that we were dating behind her back and that he was cheating. But this isn't the case. Richard is the one cutting me off, sort of pretending that now the only way I know him is as her boyfriend instead of being my friend. Darren, another friend of mine mentioned to me that in a situation like this, it is about people becoming defined by their relationships.
Is it just me or is being defined by your relationship crazy talk?
Since when are we defined by who we're dating, talking to, married to? Since when should all of our time be filled up by our significant others?
My sister in a saddened voice once said to me, "I must be getting older because I have less and less friends because they're all in relationships." This bothers me. I just don't understand totally suspending your life for another human being.
Like in sex and the city where Miranda says "Suddenly it's not I did this, but we did this, and we like this."
I wonder if there is statistical evidence of a lack of friends as you get older, and you only spend your time with whomever you're with. Perhaps. All I know is, I feel wronged by the idea that friendships have to stop once someone gets busy with someone else.
It isn't fair to suddenly fall off the face of the earth just cause you're in a relationship.
What do you think xangans? Bothered by lost friendships cause of relationships or am I crazy for thinking you need a life separate of the other person to some extent?
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- From: indiechaos@xanga
- About Me: Just hear me out, this was all my fault. You've brought me death and its everything I wanted. It's the wrong side of fear that kept me out. But know this night will be mine.
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Comments (27)
There's also the consideration that it is a male-female friendship in question here. Platonic friendships are tricky ones; the trigger is not necessarily devotion to only one other human being as your sisters' friends age but the fact that emotional intimacy is shaky ground.
hmmm. idk.
"Richard however has reverted into this "silent" disposition, of which
now everything that happens to him I hear relax through Meghan."
I can't get over this sentence. It makes no sense.
Hmm I don't know about others, but I have distance myself from friends as i head into the 5th year of my relationship. Its not that I don't want to have a life outside my SO; but everything I do with friends, I'd rather do with him. Hence I treasure those once every few weeks 'girls day out'. Friends understand; As you grow priorities change. Just think of those 30+ year old men, that leave their wives to go out with buddies every night or vice versa. Those relationships suffer tremendously.
Its completely natural for people in a relationship to devote a huge amount of time to that relationship, and in the process, spend less time with friends, particularly opposite-sex friends. This is especially true when the relationship is serious, or when people perceive certain dynamics changing because of the relationship. New relationships can get kind of all-consuming, but that may not be all that is happening here. Richard may feel less comfortable interacting with female friends now that he is in a relationship; he may be less certain of the appropriateness of boundaries, etc. I've always had lots of casual male friends, and went through a similar thing when I began a serious relationship. I wouldn't take it personally. Make an attempt to hang out with the two of them as a couple; it will ease some of the tension and give you guys a chance to get comfortable with the new dynamic.
@unfathomablelove@xanga - Yeah, I kinda agree with this.... the male/female friendship is tricky when one person is in a romantic relationship.
I dont' think I've ever known anyone who made their relationship define them. But it's only logical to say that "we did that" instead of "I did this" when you did, in fact, take another person with you. Seems like a crazy semantic argument to me.
@my_horizon@xanga - I think the author meant that Richard doesn't talk to the author anymore -- she has to hear about Richard through Meghan. I agree, I didn't like the way it was written either.
that's just what happens when people get into relationships. i tend to use "we" and "us" all the time when i'm speaking about my boyfriend to others.
I've lost a number of friends this way, especially guy friends who have all ditched me when they got into relationships. I can relate.
@my_horizon@xanga - the word relax is supposed to be relapse. I tend to not edit things =X
If you miss spending time with your friends, why don't you make the effort to go out of the way and plan something that you can all enjoy together? Or, if you and Richard are truly best friends, then bring it up to him directly. "I feel like our friendship isn't as strong as it used to be, and it saddens me" -- be honest about it with him.
I don't know if this is so much Richard being "defined" by his relationship as he's spending more of his 'hanging out' time with his girlfriend than with you, and it probably doesn't cross his mind to hang out with you as much. So if you really wanted to spend time with him, rather than get infuriated, why don't you put forth the effort to keep up your friendship?
this has never happened to me.
TaylorMade Burner Irons TaylorMade Burner Plus Iron Set
agreeeeee
Sad but thats generally how it goes when friends get together.
@my_horizon@xanga - HAHAHAHAH
It's life. Especially in the case of marriage, you have joined your life with another so in essence your life does revolve around the other person. Your spouse is someone who becomes more important than even your own parents. I mean, my likes are still my own likes but my time is focused on my marriage and making sure that my life partner is happy more than anyone else. Relationships take a lot of work and unfortunately the time you spend with your friends will take the L for that, but usually your friends will understand the importance of nurturing your relationship (as long as you don't go crazy). He has chosen her to ride shotgun, you have to take the backseat, now.
Go get together a bunch of your friends and him to go hang out. It will probably be inappropriate for you to hang out with him alone...even if your other friend is okay with that I would just avoid that whole drama all together unless you guys are going to go get coffee or something on a lunch break.
I dont think it's a big deal but then again I got broke up with for thinking that way. So maybe it is bad.
Hah.
I don't like to be COMPLETELY defined by my relationship. However, I like it to an extent that people know I'm taken and don't try to mess with that.
However, I do get very involved when it comes to being an item with my boyfriend because he's pretty much my life. My friends are all busy and away in college, and because of one past mistake, I'm stuck at home going to community college, and he's the only one here, so he's all I have.
I'm going to say that to a certain degree, there is going to be a "we", but Richard here will have to take it down to an appropriate amount. Until he grows some and gets back to having an "I" or "me", a.k.a. his own life outside of Meghan (and a voice of his own, too), you're going to have to hold on. Or you'll have to talk to them both -.-
@melllisa@xanga - "Its not that I don't want to have a life outside my SO; but everything I do with friends, I'd rather do with him." THANK YOU for saying this!!! so few people understand. i love my friends, i love them for their varied personalities and our histories...but my guy is so wonderful, and if i could really pick i would be with him almost all the time.
also, have you considered that maybe Richard had/has feelings for you? he could be distancing himself as a defense mechanism. i've seen this happen...and i've done it myself. don't rule it out as a possibility!
also, you might commiserate with this cartoon. made my bf and i laugh when we saw it, haha cuz we were afraid we were becoming *that* couple. i spoofed it for his v-day card
also also, do you mean "relayed"?
I'm guilty of defining myself by my relationship. It occurs subconsciously until I notice people pulling away from me because I've lost who I was. It is difficult to catch but I think, even more difficult to stop.
I always maintain my friends even when I have a SO. Otherwise I'd be bored to death if I had to converse/do activities with only 1 other person. Ugh.
it pretty much happens to everyone as you get older. you are very lucky if you find those really special friends that make the extra effort for friendships outside of relationships. i haven't really had an honest to god best friend since i left high school. there have been friends that i thought would be with me till the end but complications along the way showed lack of loyalty on their part (or even my own) for one reason or another. people out of high school and into their late 20's are pretty prone to tunnel vision. and friends may not always be priority as a result. no one likes to admit that they are a bad friend because they are preoccupied with love and relationships or even with work, it's a real shitty thing to say about yourself. but in the case of you guy friend, i would suggest asking him what's up. or just let the relationship run it's course. if he was secure or happy with the relationship (assuming he still wants to be your friend) then he would try harder. or maybe he thinks that you are not doing your part to maintain the friendship. just talk to him,
I made the mistake of being dependent on one person and basically ignoring a good many of my friendships. When he took a year off from school, I was emotionally devastated. I was pretty sad for about six months, but then I learned how to be independent. Now, I like to have a good balance of friendships with my relationship.
It's not wise to make one person your world unless you know with basically absolute certainly that they will never leave you.
it's the idea that when you're "married" to someone, it's forever. but friends can betray you at any time. and well in marriage i guess there is an invisible promise of being there for each other till "death do us part"
well... if you're dating someone and really love them, why WOULDN'T you want to be defined by them? it's all about priorities. it's good to have a balance, but that balance is different for everyone. i'm a lot more like your male friend. i'm not terribly social to begin with... full-time work and part-time school will do that to you. so, whatever free time i do have, i would rather spend with my SO.
when a relationship is really good, your SO becomes your best friend.