Sunday, 21 February 2010
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If You Must Fight, Do it Right
We all know that the occasional fight is bound to arise in any kind of relationship, particularly those that are romantic in nature. This is considered completely healthy and normal by the likes of world-renowned psychologists, Cosmopolitan, and the average Joe or Jane down the street. Small, clean fights can actually bring a couple closer together, making them feel as though they can overcome any relationship obstacles that come their way. The things that could make or break a couple is how two people fight and what their tiffs are generally about...
Of course there are the obvious things to avoid in order to make an argument constructive and not destructive. Finger-pointing, name-calling, and cursing are probably not going to get you anywhere. Neither is relentlessly trying to get your SO to agree with you, especially when you know you’re in the wrong. On the other hand, there are positive things you can do, like confronting problems as they arise instead of letting them boil up inside for long periods of time, or talking in a firm, but calm, I-want-to-make-this-better tone of voice.
But what might be some of the less obvious ways to “fight fair” as Tim and Joy Downs, authors of the popular self-help book, Fight Fair, would say. What do you and your honey tend to fight about? Is it over serious matters or trivial stuff that could be avoided? Do you tend to hold grudges even if you try not to, or do you forgive and forget pretty easily?
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Comments (22)
We don't hold grudges, and we don't call each other names. He's cursed at me before because his temper can get pretty... fired up, but I ignored it and I let it go. Happened pretty recently, actually, over his disliking every single one of my friends and telling me so in a not-so-nice way. I got pissed off, and took a shot at one of his friends, and... the atmosphere turned to shit.
But whenever we get into an argument, which is so rarely, we tend to take some time apart and cool off. Meaning, he'll play Xbox and I'll sit at my computer, or read, or something... same room. Hah. After a little while, we'll talk about what happened before, and say we're sorry if we realized we blew something out of proportion. Yadda yadda yadda
Fighting sucks, but that's just it. Constructive, not destructive, as you say! My parents fought over EVERYTHING, no matter how minute or silly. I strive to do better than that.
my fiance and i have rarely fought in the 2 years we've been together and the 1 year that we've been living together. thats not to say we've never had our fights, cuz they have happened, but there very few and far between. and when we do fight we dont throw in the towel and just leave each other, we work them out. both of us can admit when we've been wrong and neither of us have a problem saying sorry. we can never stay mad at each other for too long either. and when we resolve a problem we drop it. we dont keep bringing it up for the next month or so.
its all about communication and respect. as long as you respect the other person and can accept their POV and then communicate and discuss the incident and a good way to resolve it, or if you can agree to disagree then fights are avoided more and easier to overcome when you do have one.
our relationship is fairly new and at first we were getting along so well but now i feel like we're constantly butting heads. it almost makes me wanna give up because i'm so sick of apologizing all the time.
I'm usually nice and soft spoken but when he initiates a fight and accuses me of things that I didn't do, I can be just as harsh or harsher, but after a day or two, things cool down and we're back to normal.
My biggest things:
1) Phrase everything in terms of specific behaviors, feelings they cause, and/or needs that are not being met. NOT in terms of personality traits, blame, etc. Ex: When you arrive so late for our dates, I feel as if my time is not being respected. NOT: You are so inconsiderate, why can't you show up on time? (Lame example, but you get it.) This also seems obvious, but you'd be surprised how often we do the latter. Really focus on doing this and I promise your fights will be healthier and more constructive.
2) Listen to the other person when they talk. Don't think about what you will say next. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Until you can really understand where they're coming from, you won't get anywhere.
3) Once you've listened and now that you understand their argument, frame yours in terms they can relate to. Just like you can't argue religion with science and vice versa, everybody has a set of beliefs and values they hold dear. Figure out what those are and put your argument in terms that have meaning to them. They will be much more open to your thoughts. This works.
4) Never give the silent treatment. But take space if you need it - It's better than blowing up at someone. If you do need space, respectfully let them know that you need time apart to cool down and you will talk about it with them when you are ready. Then follow through. Don't leave them hanging, and don't just blow them off. It's disrespectful, and it shows no care for or attention to their needs and feelings in the argument.
We don't fight. We talk it out.
lol
I don't hold grudges and when fights do arise, I already try to bring them up in hopes of talking about it and resolving the issue in a calm and non-threatening voice. However, both parties have to do this in order for it to work. If one side only tries to take care of it calmly, well, it would tend to drag on and it won't be good.
@mewithoutu77@xanga - If you look at it from a point of view where you will try to calmly solve it, in the long run, they will notice and appreciate you more for it. I know what you mean and the best you can do is what you can do to try to fix things. If they continue to yell, curse, or whatever, give them time and let them come to you when they are ready. It sucks, but that's one (or probably) the best way to handle it.
@beachblondie711@xanga - If I could like comments on xanga, I would like this one... I think it's very constructive. :)
@beachblondie711@xanga - couldnt have said it better. i actually failed to do number uno and dos when i was with my ex bf. our fights never get resolved.
We talk it out. We don't fight.
We don't really... fight.
We usually just talk things out.
i think i can not bear fighting why do not talk it out?
TaylorMade Burner Irons TaylorMade Burner Plus Iron Set
the key to it all is the make up sex that comes after
The hurtful things are usually said in the heat of an argument, so if you're too angry to talk it out then walk away (because some things you can't take back). My downfall is admitting that I was wrong...
We fight about money a bit. Granted we're living together and he's the one spending over half of his share on me to keep me afloat while I work a minimum wage job. It's my fault that I keep spending money frivolously and need to learn to have fun for free.
What I don't like about our fights is that I end up crying my eyes out, apologizing and taking the blame for everything, even when some of it might be his fault. I'm definitely the passive one in our arguments. I wish I didn't cry, totally unneeded. In the end we talk it out and make up with a hug or something.
@turtletastic - why thank you! I've found it very useful anyway.
We fight over stupid trivial things a lot and sometimes it seems like we avoid the real issues at hand (this is bothersome). But there's nothing really that I can do about it, because he doesn't feel like "talking about things" solves all of our problems. Some things he is more than willing to talk about, but he won't discuss his feelings with me ever, and that's where the root of most of our fights gets to.
@beachblondie711@xanga - Well stated. One other point that I share out is to punctuate perhaps every third or fourth statement with the words, "I love you", both as a reminder to both parties and as a subconscious way to keep all points civil during the discussion.
I'm currently in an argument with my boyfriend. I admit, I asked/did something stupid which ticked him off and he got mad at me. I apologized.
Sometimes i feel that i tell him too much stuff, and almost everytime, our argument arise due to what i say (stupid things according to him). This makes me feel like not wanting to tell him some things even though i feel that being in a relationship means opening yourself to each other and hear what the other person have to say.
So i told him. I wont tell him so much stuff, cuz he keeps gatting mad and i dont want us to argue. Guess what?
He called he a f***ing retard.
This honestly broke my heart and i am very disappointed. I dont wanna make the first move and apologize to him again cuz i did that the last time.
What should i do? Should i just wait for him to talk to me again, or should i just do it first?
@beachblondie711@xanga - LOVE your advice...everything you said are things that I've experienced to be completely helpful...clearly others who have been commenting are benefitting from your words of wisdom too! ;) xo
@waterpistols@xanga - Ok..of course there will be times when one or both of you slips and uses name calling/cursing during a fight..that's pretty normal. But if it were my man I would DEFINITELY expect an apology for him saying something so hurtful (not to mention childish) to me..don't give him the silent treatment until he apologizes--I doubt that will solve much. Instead, go to him and tell him that what he said hurt you. I'm not sure why he wouldn't want you to tell him stuff (although I don't know what kind of "stuff" you're talking about here), but if you know that there are certain things that you say that could understandably--and that's the key word here--tick him off, don't say'em. Hope this helps at least a little! Good luck hun! xo