Sunday, 21 February 2010
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How Do They Do It?!: The Secrets to an Everlasting (and Happy) Relationship
The March issue of Cosmopolitan has an article called "Habits of Crazy-in-Love Couples," discussing how to make love last forever. Predictably, one of the tips given is to keep the sex exciting (or at least to keep it from dwindling). Another is sharing guilty pleasures with another, like watching that horrible yet addictive reality show you both love, or indulging in a cheesy pasta dish once a week. Another is trying new activities together, like salsa lessons or checking out a unique art gallery.
I've been thinking a lot about this topic myself lately, as it seems I have found the man I would love to be with for a lifetime, so I want to make it last. My parents, who ultimately love each other very much and would do anything for one another, have a very boring marriage. They have completely different personalities, which causes them to fight frequently about the dumbest things. They rarely seem affectionate towards each other (my Dad triest to be sometimes, but my Mom sort of pushes him away). My Dad watches sports in the living room while my Mom comes in at nine from working at the town library and flies upstairs to their room to watch a soap opera that not even a triple chocolate cake could pull her away from. I have some commitment issues, and sometimes I wonder (not that I'm putting all the blame on them) if witnessing my parents lackluster marriage over the years has contributed to them. In other words, I love my parents, but if I ever get married, I do not want a marriage like theirs.
What do you think it takes to keep a relationship strong and thriving and passionate over the years? There are sure to be rough spots in a long-term relationship, but how do you a) prevent them as much as possible and b) work through them? I've always been fascinated by those couples who have been married for 70 years and still have that twinkle in their eyes when they look at one another. My guy and I would love to be one of those success stories...so what do you think the secret is?
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Comments (33)
Communication and a shared sense of adventure. If you ever do hit a patch, talk it out calmly with each other. Yelling and screaming won't do anything to help.
@laytexduckie@xanga - Annnd you read my mind, lol, so I'll just second this comment :)
Attraction, respect, APPRECIATION, understanding, loyalty, and shared interests. Most important is the ability to communicate without judgment.
And unsubscribing to Datingish.
God kills puppies when you cite Cosmo.
For reals though, marrying somebody that you can't possibly do better than and who hates those little things you do the least.
Continuing to do fun things together. And no, TV does not count. ;)
Communication is key. If you can learn to communicate well, you can get through even the roughest arguments. And holding true to your promises - if you say "till death do us part", you should mean it and not run to the courthouse for a divorce the second things get rough.
Never letting them win at pool/risk/crazy golf - that way they'll always have something to strive for.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/ - dating blog
I think one thing that's really important is that you're both happy individuals. You don't rely on each other to be happy in life, but you are both content, fulfilled people who came together to make an even happier life together.
Two happy individuals are more likely to make a happy couple.
My parents are very similar to yours, and I, too, have hoped that my marriage (if I ever get married) will not be like theirs. I think my parents just don't communicate enough. Often, they are not on the same page about things and get frustrated because somebody has to change plans. They also don't communicate their love for each other enough.
My previous two relationships didn't work out because of lack of communication. If you don't have that, everything else is weakened.
How to have everlasting love? ...what no one already has it?... It's not about having it, it's about understanding and keeping it. i have money, i don't want it. i have a place to live, i don't want it. i have a girl to love, i don't want her. i have Everlasting love, it will never go away, i just don't use it like it should !!!CAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTANDS WHAT IT REALLY IS!!! ...i do... It's kinda like this: Smokings bad, people know it, still do it, want to stop, someone shows them how and the mad smokers response is "But you don't understand.." ...wrong... the person suggesting an option to health i believe understands ...it's the smokers choice to see it... Why don't the smokers try and understand the helper for once. So i have everlasting love, it's just no one recognizes it or understands it themselves, so i express it in very little ways till they get it. Though i have only somuch patiance and my everlasting love can be used on another till the former is ready.
Have fun and live.... my parents have been dating since HS and they still do things that most parents would see as for "young couples"... they got our with a bunch of their college friends, have "music nights" which is kinda a chill party where all their friends bring in new music, they go away for the weekends to bed and breakfasts or palm springs, they go out on dates on the weekend and have dance parties at their house.
I think if you see marriage as a drastic change to your life, as the ending of some past, youthful self, that's where it gets difficult... if your lover becomes more of a burdensome wife/husband, rather than a fun dancing and dinner date, there inevitably will be tension.
I think it's important not to feel tied down but free people who make an overall positive contribution to your sense of living (not just life, but living).
Love,Honor,Commitment,Communication. Also they work hard, and never give up on it. They realize that no one is perfect, but they don't love each other in-spite of that...but because of that. Because they fit so wonderfully together, because they worked hard to fit....They love each other so much they are willing to do anything to see the other person happy,,,,no relationship is perfect its just adapting and a give and take system. I respect people with that kind of devotion ^-^
C-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-i-o-n! I've only been married about 10 months (tomorrow is 10 months, in fact!) so obviously I can't say I've got the secret, but communication has been the most important part of my relationship. We talk about everything. Everything under the sun. No topic is taboo. Any time we're upset? We talk it out. If you can do that, I think you'll be great.
And of course you need love, adventure, honesty, etc., but I don't think any of those matter if you can't just sit down and talk.
It doesn't sound like you're parents aren't a success story. They're still married for a reason. Their marriage may seem boring to you, but maybe it's exciting or comfortable enough for them. My great-grandparents were the same way. They weren't very affectionate, and my mom wondered why they were even together. But she told me when her grandfather was dying, and sleeping in a hospital bed in the living room, the night he died her grandmother took his hand and they went to bed together. I think that's incredibly romantic. Maybe you should aspire to be as comfortable in your marriage as your parents are.
Who knows. My grandparents were the most in-love people I've ever seen- and will ever see. They used to bicker and argue and my gramma chased my grampa around the kitchen with a cast iron skillet once... Who knows. Maybe for some people, that bickering works. Maybe for others it's finding a higher and higher summit to reach when climbing a mountain, or rock climbing. Maybe for others it's travel.
From my experience... Communication and straight up honesty is important.Don't assume. Don't be a child.
And for Pete's sake... don't listen to Cosmo. What a load of crap.
I'm not married, but I've been with my boyfriend for a while... one thing that always always makes us dance in the kitchen like old fools or giggle like little kids is cooking together. It's SO fun. :)
@melandollic@xanga - ahahahahahah :)
@Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair@xanga - LOVE your answer, what a beautiful example your great grandparents were/are :)
the secret is this:
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - Spot on!
I think it does depend greatly on your personality, and your SO's.
I believe my relationship thrives because we have a lot in common - we both love to go out and eat, but dislike nightclubs and huge crowds; we don't mind relaxing at home; we compromise a lot; we make each other laugh and poke fun at one another daily; and so much more.
However, we're different enough that it doesn't get boring. He's overly observant and I tend to let a lot just go over my head, or ignore it. We have totally different pasts, as well.
I don't suppose there's really a secret to everlasting happiness, maybe it's just a matter of how well you get along. If you want to be together through anything, you should learn to be true best friends, have each other's backs through it all, be their rock.
That's how I see it.
@MindUnderDresser@xanga - he understands and I understand what he is saying. exactly what he said.
People only stay together because they stop believing that they can do any better.
A lot of hard frikken work and effort.
hmmm I dont know.
It's quite simple. You don't get divorced. You don't cheat. You don't lie. When you don't "feel" like you love the person, you remind yourself of everything they've done for you and you DECIDE to love them anyways. Divorce is not an option... period.
I think one of the things that contributes to a lasting marriage is starting slowly. People who rush to officiate that they have an SO [as if it's a bragging right] or those who rush into the physical intimacies tend to have relationships fizzle out early on.
I agree with @Morningstarrising@xanga on communication.The most important thing I think is independence. Depending on the other person for everything kills a relationship, because no one can possibly be someone else's everything. You need to know when to lean, and when to stand on your own.