When it comes to really liking or loving someone, I think that we could all agree that people can tend to be really jealous. Or speaking for myself, I know that I personally am a really jealous person. Taking that into consideration, it probably won't take you by surprise that I tend to constantly compare myself and mentally compete with the girls that the guys I like, like(d) or love(d).
I know that people always say not to think about people who your S.O. was once with and had feelings for, and I was actually someone who always wondered why people got so upset over their S.O.'s exes. But once experiencing what was sort of like a relationship, I found myself doing the same exact thing.
Regardless of my negative experiences with friends and guys, I still try my best not to doubt people when they say that they love and care about me, but I just can't help it sometimes. For example, when you're dating somebody who you know was so madly in love with someone before you, have you ever realized, even if it was after it was over, that the person didn't ever love you the way they had loved someone before? Did it sort of make you wonder just how much you meant to them? Because along with personal experience, I've had several friends who have been in relationships tell me that.
I think it's pretty similar even if it's about a friend having a past best friend or close friend whom you don't seem to live up to. Or even if your family members love one of your cousins or your siblings more than you. It's more about just the idea of knowing you won't have a place in someone you love's heart the way somebody else does. These situations make me wonder how much I'll mean to these people in the long run. It seems as if years down the road, I won't stick out in their hearts and minds because people tend to keep the memory of only the best things they had, and I'm obviously already lesser than someone in their life and had nothing better to offer.
For any sort of relationship, people seem to agree that once you have something and it ends, you strive to look for something better, because there would be no point in having something worse than you had it before. It makes sense for you to keep finding things that are progressively better, and eventually finding someone who you'll spend your life with. So on that note,
as silly and insecure as I may sound, I really wonder:
Does loving someone less than you have before devalue the love you have for others following them if it's not the same amount or with the same amount of passion? Would you be convinced that a person really loves and cares about you despite your knowing that you're nowhere as good as what they've had before? Have you ever let someone dictate your worth even if you know you shouldn't let them?
True
Comments (33)
"It's more about just the idea of knowing you won't have a place in someone you love's heart the way somebody else does."
I completely empathize with that. It's the bane of many insecurities for me.
I don't think that loving the next person less than prior people devalues the love for the current person, but it certainly taints it. Not because the love itself isn't pure, but the fact that the other person was in some way more important is really.. ick. Particularly if the current person knows about it. How are they going to feel like they're good enough if they know they aren't as good as that past person?
I would be able to be convinced they cared about me and loved me if they'd loved someone before, but I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally and would leave to find someone who loved me more than their past loves. Yes, that's selfish, but... I'm weak that way.
As for the last question, well, of course I've let other people have a say in my self worth. I pour myself into liking people too much for their opinions of me not to take an effect on my self esteem to some degree.
Each type of love is different. Love felt with a past person may seem greater when you hear it being described by your SO, and that is a fault. If the SO talks about how great their past love was, 1) they should also say why their love with you now is even better, or 2) never should've said anything in the first place.
Love can also grow. So consider the timing. The past could've been around for years, so that grew to a certain level. When you start over afterwards, you have to start small again. As long as the potential to grow is there, it shouldn't be an issue.
But you can't really measure the amount of caring one could ever have to another. The best example I could think of for this at the moment is my favorite movies. When I was 7 years old, I LOVED "The Little Mermaid" so much that I watched it literally almost 2 dozen times in the course of a month or two. Obviously my relationship with that movie grew out of it, and some 20 years later, I love "The Boondock Saints" which I've only seen like 3-5 times in the course of 2 years. If I think back on how much I loved the first movie, it's nowhere in comparison to the current one, but standalone, it's just right for me now.
It's all about your confidence. You have to trust the relationship that you have with that person now. The past is in the past b/c it didn't last into the present. I mean we all have our moments we may think of them and the time with them, but that's normal. Point being, that person is still with you because you are better for them now. Why else would that person be with you now? If you keep thinking about their past, when will you be able to see your future with them?
Unfortunately I know how this feels. Ever since one of the last boyfriends I've had called me by the name of the girl he was dying to marry for years even though they never were in a real relationship. And he hadn't seen, heard, or dealt with her almost ten years after anything had happened or nearly happened. He did it 2 other times with two different girls that he was also "madly in love with." And truth be told, I've gotten to be very jealous because of this guy. So I kinda know where you're coming from.
i think there are so many different forms of love, and you can't really be sure exactly how someone loves you. they may have had a past love, but they are still capable of loving you as intensely, but in a different way. i don't think that's a bad thing. i also think it's worthless trying to fit into their past. you should take your relationship as something new to the both of you and strive for new experiences, instead of wondering what your S.O.'s ex did and trying to play her role. be yourself and enjoy your time with your love, and he will likely fall for you in a whole new way. it's a part of growth, and it's a wonderful thing.
everyone loves everyone differently. In each relationship, I was in different stages of my life. Each taught me different lessons in life that I will keep for my new relationships. Did i love one or the other more, maybe not. But it is different.
@Daria_Diaree@xanga - well I understand what you mean by the other person is in the past and you're their present. but if the only reason their old relationship didn't work out is because their ex stopped liking them, then that doesn't provide much security or assurance at all. especially if they loved, missed, obsessed over, and were crazy about their ex even years after their ex stopped having feelings for them. it makes me feel like if their ex didn't treat them crappy for as long as they did, they wouldn't like me right now. or that I was just a form of security.
okay i'm sorry, i ranted. i couldn't help it. hahaha.
@notjustanothergirl - ouch, I can't even imagine how painful that must be, considering I haven't had it that bad. I'm sorry.
@jamoncita@xanga@amaza@xanga - aww wow, that made me feel better. thanks :D
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - I understand that point of view. In that case you still have to talk it out with your SO. Explain how you feel, and they have to explain theirs too. Then you have to talk it over about how you guys are now. The thing is, if the past still affects them now, then bottom line, they don't belong in any relationship, period. But if it's one of those things that still has a soft spot in their hearts, they really have to be openly honest with you about how they feel about you, and you guys now.
Like for me, out of all my ex's, I have one that was "the one that got away" kind. It's true I went through all the hurt, turmoil and emotional rollercoaster with him. But indeed that was in the past. I could spend all my time dwelling on it, but where would it bring me to today? Just constantly being down in the dumps crying over something that didn't last, having such a negative vibe, that I would be in a worse state than just losing that one person - I'd lose everyone around me. No one would want to be around me. Rather than being alone from a pair, I'd be alone socially. If ever I want to move forward, that time in the past is the past. And who I have now is my everything, and that's why I'm there. If anything, my past has taught me to not let go of something good, and I know how to look for it now.
We're always going to have someone to compare to, but we cannot let it rule us. One important factor in a relationship is trust, and it's not just trust in the other person, but to trust the "US" and the "ME." Do what you do best, at being you, and be happy and confident of who you are. No one can shadow you, and seriously if the SO makes you feel like you are, drop him! He shouldn't be making you feel like that.
i think that, everytime you truly love someone, and you break up....i think that the person you broke up with wore you down...and sort of takes some of your love with them....so instead of having 100% love to give to their new boyfriend or girlfriend, they can only give 99% because their past love took some of them away. so i think that every time somneone breaks up, the love they can give, gets lowered.
maybe thats just stupid but, idk...... hey dont let it bother you ok? if the guy shows he loves you, then he does. it doesnt matter what happened in his past with anyone else. ya know?
dont let it get to you. k?
(just so that you guys know, I'm not currently in a relationship. it's just something that bugs me even after something I had with someone is over. and it's not his fault at all.)
@Daria_Diaree@xanga - thanks a lot. i'll be sure to keep that in mind for the future (:
@SamBarger@xanga - you know, that makes a lot of sense, and thanks for the encouragement. but do you really think it's just 1%? hmm cause if it is.. we sure blow that 1% waaay out of proportion. hahaha.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - lol maybe alot more then 1% hey hey, i was in a rush when i was writing this, my hot chocolate was burning haha
@SamBarger@xanga - hahaha, that's cute! it made me laugh out loud.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - hahaha thank you, thank you
hey im glad i made you laugh ! lol =P
@unabridgedtales@xanga - awww, you sound a lot like me. thanks for understanding me, it makes me feel a little less misunderstood and alone. and thanks for the rec! :D
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Nothing can devalue your love for another person except you, just like nothing can devalue someone's love for you expect that person. Forget about previous loves.
If someone is with you, then they probably want to eventually love you deeper than they loved the person before. But they can't do so right at the beginning.
"If you compare yourself with others you will become vain and bitter."-Desiderata
I think you should not compare yourself with your SO's exes. Your relationship right now is different from his past's. You'll just have to trust him that he loves you and that it's the present that matters.
i dont have a good answer for your question, but i relate really well to everything you mentioned in this post
I just strive to be the best girlfriend I can be for my man. And by having done so, he's told me that I've put in way more effort in a single month of the relationship than any woman has done in an entire course of a relationship with him. I'm also the first girl he's brought home that his parents actually sincerely liked. It helps when he tells me where and how I'm the first and best, since I can get insecure and jealous sometimes too (mainly due to past abusive relationships and the large age gap he and I have between us).
I guess if you bring it up with a guy and ask him to give you a bit of reassurance every now and then, it wouldn't hurt. Guys can probably relate to ego (which after all, is the root of insecurity and jealousy!)
I feel that at times it may be a result of that person being a little more careful with their heart, especially if it was a bad breakup. I know that my boyfriend sometimes feels how you might feel, after all he was a friend of my ex-boyfriend and I met him when I was still in love with my ex. But with time , hopefully, that person's love will grow and like you said, they will realize that you are better for them.
Every women I've met since I broke up with my first love, i've compared with my first love. I think a lot of people do that whether or not they realize it so you have a valid concern but like most people are saying here we all grow and change. We'll learn to like new things, different things. Maybe I'll never love a women quite like I loved my first but I could learn to love someone else just as much in a different way. Maybe in a more sustainable way.
Thanks for this post as it has really given me something to think about regarding my current friendelationship.
You can never love two people in the same way because everyone is unique. Your boyfriend might have had a passionate love with their ex and share a more comfortable kind of love with you, it doesn't mean they love you less they just love you for you, and you should be grateful for that love.
x.i guess if i'm loving someone less than i have before it just means that i'm not really into that person.
@locketine@xanga - Exactly what I was going to say!
I can't agree that when you love someone and the relationship ends, that person takes some of your love away. I like to think that we as humans are capable of unconditional love. Maybe my current relationship isn't like the first one (how boring would it be to have the same relationship over and over again) and maybe I gave so much of my love to one person... but does that mean I can no longer love or subsequently love less because of it? It seems silly to me to think so.
Maybe you're feeling less determined to love someone else because of your previous situation ended. Emotionally, I think we all have the capability to continue loving as much as before and maybe even more. It only makes sense to have a little faith in love and the fact that we are all capable of deep true love.
I can't compare my past loves because I was a different person with each boy that I dated. I also tend to block out past relationships when I'm in a relationship. There's just not room for a third party :/ It wouldn't be fair. If you have emotional expectations based off of a past relationship, then you're probably not letting the relationship progress as it should.
In the end though, if you feel like you love someone less than you can, then you're probably just not meant to be together.