Wednesday, 17 February 2010
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My Marriage is Over, and I Am Not Sorry
When I got married I went into it knowing that it would be hard work. I knew that there would be times when it would get hard. I was ready for days that weren’t full of sunshine and rainbows. Unfortunately for me my husband it seemed did not know that when you marry someone it isn’t all about the love necessarily, it’s about compromise and cohabitation.
The assumption people have when I tell them about the fact that my marriage is over is that I went into it not knowing that it would be hard work. That it was a frivolous decision made while wearing rose colored glasses. The fact of the matter is that my marriage is over because I finally got away from the man who said he loved me yet found it acceptable to hit me. Yes, he hit me. I also have very good reason to believe that he cheated on me. He would leave for extended periods of times without so much as telling me where he was. I forgave him for everything imaginable, because he wasn’t just a man he was my husband and this commitment I made was one that was supposed to be lifelong. When I said my vows I meant them with every last breath. So I adjusted the way that I handled arguments after seeing what worked and what did not work, I tried a thousand things to make my marriage work. I’ll be honest I wasn’t perfect either. After all nobody tells you how to be a good partner. I feel as though I did everything that I could possibly do in that situation. He was a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and overall the person that I knew was gone. This is why right now I don’t feel like a failure even though my marriage did fail. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where despite all of your best efforts there was no way to fix the situation ? How many people think that ‘for life’ also extends past physical abuse/infidelity?
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Comments (43)
sounds almost exactly like my situation. i married someone i thought was a wonderful man, and then, the abuse started two days into our honeymoon. i was married for almost two years--it took me that long to determine that i didn't have a moral obligation to stay when i was being beaten up and treated as if i was entirely unlovable. when i finally got the nerve to leave, i was nothing more than relieved. the love had long been replaced by fear. there wasn't any time--after i left--that i was sorry, and i've been happy ever since.
Good for you, girl. Screw him!
@thevillagestar@xanga - i kinda wish you would post on that girls site who keeps saying her decision to marry a guy 2 weeks after they met was a really good decision that should be made by everyone.
I think that for life means for life--with two exceptions--physical or severe emotional abuse--and cheating. So good for you that you did get away. You have a right to be safe.
He was a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and overall the person that I knew was gone.
couldn't have say it better myself hahaha..
i left my ex-boyfriend because i wasn't one of those hopeless romantics who's going to offer Unconditional love to such jerks.
but i tried.
i gave him the chance to change(which he eventually asked me instead,"what if i can't change?").
i gave him the chance to go clarify with the women(which he did but STILL calling and texting them 24/7 and when i was showering so i'm not sure what actually transpired).
i gave him the chance to be completely honest(but he had to lie every single day and i had to discover more lies Every Single Day. and through other people sometimes).
in the end, my ego still wanted to get back(story for another day), i supposed. i'm not sure if it's me, my ego or whatever there is.
i also made a deal out of this which he thought was too much. oh right, what he did wasn't too much. haha ridiculous.
at last he told me that a broken mirror couldn't be piece back together again and being together would generate too many problems for the both of us and we won't make it because i've invaded his privacy(by checking his cellphone) and made known this problem to others.
he could forgive his ex's infidelity but not this. another bafflement.
the moment we broke up, he told me that if i were to get pregnant, i've got to abort it.
also, he loves me but Not Very.(mom comes 1st, sister 2nd, i'll have to be 3rd, he claimed).
after holding out for 5.5years of spinsterhood, this is what i ended up with. intense, short-lived but i won't regret it because this is probably the only chance in my life to Ever have a showdown in my life hahaha. i do not feel like a failure too. in fact, i felt more like a shining warrior despite the ending.
"FOR LIFE" DOES NOT extend to abuse/infidelity since "FOR LIFE" comes with "LOVE".
and since he doesn't "LOVE" you, "FOR LIFE" is out of the question.
it goes out of the window with everything else so god can rushes in with so much more love.
Yes I've been in a similar situation minus the marriage and infidelity on his part bits. It was very damaging and even after we reconciled, there was a long period of recovery. But I guess, I'm lucky that I've found a man who has since changed himself to become a better man for me. According to my counselors, I probably did find that one in a million!
Sounds like a victory to me. You freed yourself and did what is best for you (emotionally and physically). That is #1. :)
I'm in the same situation myself. I know how emotionally straining it is. I'm not married to the guy, but I have a child to him... and he's financially supporting me- I'm in school, I need help and he's the only one that can really help me with our baby. I beat myself up every day about it; I can't escape till I graduate college. He doesn't hit me just because he feels like it, only whens he's angry and I push his buttons you know? I've even gone to the hospital, had to drive myself- twice. Once while I was pregnant, and once about 2 months ago- he dislocated my shoulder. I'm afraid to break things off- he's threatened to kill me... on many occasions. I can't have my daughter grow up around that- but right now I've just avoided any confrontation and arguments...He blames it all on me... I can't help it that he was raped by his very own step father his whole childhood... and is taking it out on me... it's somehow my fault(cause I make him so mad to do it)- Maybe if he didn't control my life, and make me give up everything just to satisfy him!
We've gone to his pastor... he felt like an idiot and won't go back again... nothing works or helps.
I can't escape, not yet. I give you credit for freeing yourself. I'm still under his controlling, manipulative ways... I've never felt so belittled, and hating life as much as I do now. I just want to say I'm proud you made it out, I know how hard it all is.
YOU GO GIRLY
Good for you; you shouldn't feel bad about yourself that your marriage didn't work out. You can say with integrity that you did everything you could. When there is continual abuse like that (not to mention the likely cheating), a marriage doesn't stand a chance, and none of that was your fault.
free yourself from these situations early on. people say "stick it out" blah blah and it's BS. my parents got married young, and spent 20+ years in a marriage with estrangements/affairs/verbal abuse/extreme money problems/drug problems...they finally got a divorce this year, but it's much too late for everyone involved. if you have a kid, they may be thankful for the divorce early on, rather then being stuck being emotionally f-ed up from years of exposure (and therapy is expensive LOL) T_T
i have sincere congratulations for every person who manages to end it and free themselves from these sorts of situations. good luck to the original poster with her new life!!
@convalescencex3@xanga - Your circumstances makes Anonymish’s sound like a sitcom. You don’t have to be told how at risk you are. I hope you find someone--anyone at all--who’s got YOUR back--yours and your child’s. I’ve had a friend who’ve tried the pastoral counseling route with an abusive spouse. The trouble was, the abuser was a deacon--no one believed her story. My niece got out of an abusive marriage. Her son at the age of two was telling people that Daddy hit Mommy. She was lucky though. Her folks stood with her. My brother-in-law is six foot three and a truck driver--not the kind to mess with--he told the guy once--never hit her again. And once was enough.
Bless you and your young ‘un.
good riddance to that.
time to celebrate.
Good for you that you got out of the marriage. I'm really happy for you, even more, that you don't feel like a failure in your escape out of your marriage. Congrats.
I'm glad you took out the trash! No woman deserves a man who will abuse them and I hope the best for you. It is indeed time to celebrate!
I'm glad you found the strength to leave. I'm really happy for you.
he broke his vows when he laid hands on you. many ppl see marriage differently but i am more so biblical traditional when it comes to that. men are called to love their wives and as a result, the wives will submit. a man is supposed to LOVE his wife into submission, not pummel her. as far as i'm concerned if he cheats on me he broke his part of the deal...and depending on the situation i MIGHT consider reconciliation...but if he puts his hands on me i will never look back.
if i actually knew you in real life, i'd give you a flying hug and tell you how proud i am of you. i see so many girls cling onto a relationship that just isn't healthy, but you're one of the small percentage of girls that actually have self-knowledge, and are smart enough to leave. ive been in your situation (kinda), and it took me a long ass time to get up and leave. bravo to you!
Being a man and being divorced 3 times I have only one thing to say : Women lie and cheat too .
@thevillagestar@xanga - This except for abuse...he manipulated me with guilt. He had a drug problem (unknown to me), and a drinking problem. He put our child in danger by doing those things around him, when I was working. He made us homeless. I left him a month before our 2 year anniversary. I'm happily remarried, and we'll be celebrating our first anniversary in June.
BE STRONG!
I was in a marriage (17 yrs together before filing for divorce) that was devoid of sex eginning sometime after the first child. That's right. No abuse. But no love. Sound tolerable? Not when you do everything you can to revive the romance and it goes nowhere. Rejection is a killer for the soul and for self-confidence. Lack of adult sexual intimacy, is, well, not a normal way to live. I'll never know if he was low on testosterone (he refused to test), asexual, or gay (and denying it). I know it killed my marriage.
It didn't happen in marriage, but the man I was engaged to was definitely very abusive and had total control over me. He managed to break me down to a point where I was completely dependent of him. It took me a long time to find the strength to get up and leave...and trust me, it wasn't easy. The whole thing ended very very violently.
i have not married yet,but i always think marriage is beautiful.if you really think "He was a liar, a cheater, an abuser"then it is better for you to end this marriage.
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I'm so sorry that you're marriage didn't work out but at the same time I'm happy it didn't. No one deserves to be treated like that and you did the right thing by leaving. I understand that being in a marriage means that you'll work hard at the differences the come your way but it also means if you're not happy then you shouldn't feel forced to stay. I've been married for almost four years now and I can definitely understand when you say that going into a marriage takes a lot of work. But it's less work when you both are willing to work at it together. We don't plan on things like this happening to us and we don't expect it either but the best thing you can do is to think about your happiness and yourself too. I'm glad that aren't regretful and that you're able to find peace with yourself for making a very tough decision.
Glad to hear you made the right decision for yourself. Most people who end up in marriages are too scared to leave or too afraid to be alone again so even if the marriage is bad, they stay in it.