Wednesday, 17 February 2010
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Dating Someone with Kids
This is a topic that interests me because being raised a single parent, you see the what it's like for someone to get back out there on the dating market. Anyway, I am a 27 year old male who doesn't want to date someone with kids.
I dated a 23 year old woman who had 2 kids before. She didn't have custody of her kids so that should be red flag number 1. She worked during the weekdays and got to see her kids on the weekends. The first thing that bothered me about that is the fact that she had to see her ex-boyfriend every week.
Secondly, she was at her ex's beck and call so this proved that if I were ever to have a child by her, I would have to constantly be at a tug of war with her ex.
My last reason is the fact that I couldn't get over the fact that the child wasn't mine. Don't get me wrong, I love children to death:). It's just that the only kids I want to take care of are my own. Whether it be through childbirth or adoption, it's all one in the same to me. Just my opinion.
Would you ever date someone with kids? If so, what are the pro's and con's of it?
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About the Author
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- From: josifus77@xanga
- Name: josifus77
- Location: United States
- About Me: Whats up Xanga?!? Im a 28 year old Christian that's engaged to the love of my life. I'm here to discuss real things and meet new people.
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Comments (46)
I dated someone at the back end of last year with a kid. Very hard work. I think it depends how long the person has been split from the mum/dad - the longer the split, the easier it will be for you to bribe the kid into liking you.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
i think i would if i was older and they had custody. it's kind of a turn on when guys are good with children
There are probably no pro's'; only cons. That is -- you have the other person's kids that will somehow in-part turn out to be your responsibility. But hey... If you are in a relationship with someone, then you will have to learn to deal with whatever baggage that someone brings... or you simply just don't.
Also, I definitely have to agree with you that about not getting over kids that aren't yours (neither biological nor adopted); being with someone and taking care of the person's kids -- kids who don't call you 'father' -- wouldn't make me feel right either.
Oh boy. Somehow after I broke it off with my last ex, more than half the guys I've met so far are dads. I don't mind it, or at least in the beginning I don't mind it too much because I am the oldest of 5 siblings, offspring of the first mom, so I've seen what it's like both on my dad's side and my 2 step moms (lucky for me, one taught me what a step should not be like, and the other on how the step should be like - from the point of view of the rebellious children, heh).
But out of the dads, eventually one stood out from the rest and it got a little more serious than "just talking" and such. I don't mind the ex so much because she is the mother of his child, you should never be jealous of that (it has its moments when it sucks, but you just gotta live past it, it's truly one of those connections that cannot be broken completely - he loves his daughter, and if it wasn't for the ex, he would not have that blessing), but it is true that he's at her beck and call when she needs him when it pertains to their daughter. The ex is the least of the stress. The daughter is of age where she has an opinion of who her dad dates. Stress is caused on making THAT relationship work. It's one thing when you can get along well with the parent, but the next challenge is the child(ren).
So that's just the dating part. The next thought is more daunting depending on your personal mindset. Oh and how these thoughts can all cause me gray hairs at an early age! Haha.
What if you are able to hit it off well with him, his kid, and MAYBE even the ex? What next? If the relationship progresses, you could ultimately get even more serious and lead up to marriage. Question arises though: Will he even want to marry, cuz he's already had his family? Would he want to have more kids with me? What if he doesn't anymore because he's already gone through it? What if we do have kids - Will he let me experience the first years of motherhood or will he constantly lay on the "I've gone through it already so this is how it should be done" argument and not let me learn / raise our kids my/our way (aka will it be his way, or his and the ex's way, or will he be willing to change it to the new "our" way)?It definitely comes with a lot of baggage. But the question is whether or not you can handle it, and if you are willing to communicate it with the parent to see where their standpoint is and if you are both willing to work on any and all concerns you'll both have. Bottom line though, you do have to accept 2nd place to their kid.
Pro's: You have no need to question whether or not that person can be a good parent. A lot of times in my past dating, I've always had to question that, and a lot of times you simply just cannot tell until that person has had their first child.
I could go on with this, but alas, just remembering all this has given me a headache. Haha. Good luck!
@herecomesthemoon@xanga - It's very rare for a Father to be given custody of his children. Judges will rule that the Mother have custody unless she has proven to be unfit, has given up her rights, or has deceased. So, If a Father does not have custody that doesn't mean that he is a bad Dad. His children just have a good Mother.
Don't get me wrong, This isn't true in all cases.. There is a such thing as bad Fathers.
I know this girl who has three kids. Not only does she have three kids, they are all by different dads. If I was a male, no offense, I don't think I'd want to date this girl even if she had the greatest personality on earth. It's just too much baggage.
I too, want my own family and to raise my own children. I think that if I wound up raising someone else's child they would use the fact that I wasn't their real mother if we ever got into an argument and I really don't want to deal with that.
I want my own family and my own kids.
So no, no matter how old I am, I wouldn't date someone with kids even if he would be the nicest guy ever and treat me right.
i wouldn't mind dating someone with a kid, i have a kid of my own and hopefully expecting my 2nd one. IF i were single, i'd preffer someone that understands my situation. unless your question is for ppl w/o kids than nvm! lol
@xXDC_luyouXx - "baggage" is an offensive word... if you TRUELY love someone, you'd love EVERYTHING about them... kind of like, if you love someone you wouldn't want to change their personality right? everyone has their imperfections and you either learn to adapt to it or leave. Same goes with having a kid, you either adapt or be gone...
(before i got pregnant) I started dating my boyfriend.. He has two kids from a previous 3yr relationship. I didn't mind. he hated his Ex, and he didn't go to see her.. just his kids.
I am now having a child of his.. I am confident in our relationship and I too have a great relationship with his kids.
It all depends on where you think your heart belongs.. Not everyone is fit to deal with a situation like this.. but It CAN be done.
Most of it has to do with patience.
Technically, if you marry her you would be adopting the kid so wouldn't that count as the "one in the same" you mentioned?
My dad claimed me from birth even though I was not his biological child. People expected him to break it off with my mom, but he raised me. They are still together and I am grown and married and I know no other father but him. I love my dad and he would lay down his life for me I am sure of it. If you could have seen the tears in his eyes when he dropped me off at college...he couldn't love me anymore even if I carried his genetics. I imagine it was easier for him because my biological father was out of the picture (never even met the man until I was 17), so I could imagine how dating someone with custody issues would be a problem.
I am a single mom, and became so when my SO decided to leave me while I
was pregnant. If all men think like you, I am definitely going to die
alone.
my brother had a bigger situation than that with his now wife and personally i'm glad he didn't take the opinions half the people here do. if you judge someone by their past you'll never really appreciate them for who they are. i'm glad my brother married the woman he did (who had 2 kids before him and an ex husband) because i love her kids, which are now practically his. he's been amazing stepping up and not just being a step dad, but a real dad. it's not for everyone, clearly.
@Daria_Diaree@xanga - Thank you. That was very well put:). I apologize if anyone was offended by this. I just wanted to see what everyone's thoughts were on this subject because it's an important discussion to have. You know? God bless ya'll!!!!
I used to think I couldn't, but now I definitely can see it happen.
@josifus77@xanga - Indeed! To each his own, and it just isn't for everyone. It's a challenge, but it's my life that I am usually drawn to challenges. It's more invigorating to come out alive and stronger in the end though if/when it does work out. :)
I feel the same. I don't want the extra drama and putting me in the middle of it if they're having a custody battle or an ex-stalker,etc. I don't hate kids but I've never connected with other peoples' kids. I can't seem to bond with them and I'm not a mean person.
@lusciousddja@xanga - You're absolutely right. Thanks for agreeing with me!!!
@lusciousddja@xanga - very well said. i agree with u
at 17, no, i would not. i couldn't handle that.
I can't see myself dating someone with kids. And it sucks because most people in my age range are engaged or already have kids. It's not that I hate kids. It's just I'm not good with them. Plus I'm only in my twenties. I wanna call up people and say, "hey lets just go do something", without having to hear, "well I gotta see if someone will look after my kids." Maybe if I want to seriously settle down or think about having a family then I might date someone with a kid.
I also don't see many pro's to dating someone with a kid. You have to share the time you have with the person you want to date with their kid, they have to always find someone to watch the kid if they want to go anywhere, they could have a completely different style of parenting then what you would do, and there is the small chance of you starting to take responsibility for them.
My boyfriend who I am in love with has a two year old. It doesn't bother me. We all hang out and it's fun. His son is good practice for me. :) haha.
The whole baby mama thing is annoying, though. We never see her so it's kind of like she doesn't exist, which is awesome.
I think it takes a person with a very open mind to date someone with a kid and to be honest I would date someone with a kid if I clicked well with him, and the child. Regardless, there will always be a baby mama/daddy in the picture. They did take part in creating that child. But if all parties are mature enough to move forward and do what is best for the child then it can be a smooth transition.
From the perspective of someone that has a child (I don't have one), I would imagine that they wouldn't want to date someone that couldn't accept that they have a kid.
Speaking as a stepmom of 31+ years..I recommend that you don't date anyone with kids. It is such a hard situation. Although my stepkids were young when I met them (7 and 4), I was never their mother and it is just an awkward place to be.
Also, as soon as we married, his ex doubled his child support and my salary was taken into consideration. I hated it, though I was proud that he paid it.
Run fast, long and hard before marrying someone with children!!!!