Monday, 15 February 2010
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To Date or Not to Date? Plus Bonus Question
Well I am a typical nerd-wannabe. Above average grades. The type where no one really remembers you and not many people know you. My personality is pretty weird. I write poorly written pieces on my free time and I am currently a student with most of my time spent on school.
Now it's almost Valentine's day and I am 21 and haven't really had a "girlfriend" in many many years. With no real experience in the "dating game" i am lost to what to do. My thoughts about relationships are too conservative for this day and age. I believe physical actions (kissing, and beyond) should be saved for when we find ourselves emotionally, and mentally compatible. (Yes sex after marriage is the way to go!) These views actually limit ability to find someone.
How do I approach a girl? With all these problems like first impressions, money, looks, time and words. Dating seems harder then it used to be back in high school.
I am going to give a girl a Valentine's day card to tell her my feelings and that I would like the chance to know her better and maybe be an item. What do I do then? What if she says yes? What if she says no?
Bonus question:
What do you guys think about arranged marriage? (If I fail to find someone on my own. My parents will shop around for me and choose the girl for me. I always thought of this as a last resort due to my shortcomings in this dating game.)
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About the Author
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- From: chanchina@xanga
- About Me: When I dream, I always dream of you by my side, I always dream of you holding my hand, I always dream of you in arms, I always dream of you... When you are in my dreams, I cherish them, More then my life, I can't bare to you see you hurt, I can't bare to you sad, My image of me in your heart, Is only a veil, To protect myself from you, To protect you from me... But in my dreams, You uncover that veil, You see through all those masks, And you touch my heart... I know in real life, You can still touch my heart, But only as a friend, But as conceited as I am, I want more than that, Each second I spend with you as a friend, Is each second I am turmoil, Over what I want, Over what you need, Over what I cannot give... But I still enjoy that time I am with you, I enjoy listening to your voice, I enjoy seeing you in my mind, In real life you want someone, Which is not me, You want to spend all your time with him, You wish to spend forever and a day, A
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Comments (52)
why do you beleive in sex before marriage. Do you not think that makes sex into a bigger deal than it actually is....
the idea of arranged marriage sounds incredibly backwards unless you're some poor beggar family's son with no concept of the western world, but thats just my experience with the concept.
Go with the card, tell her you're attracted to her.
You just need to date more.
Arranged marriages ... are swell. I'm okay with them, actually, as long as both people are 18+ and they both consent.
Copy paste most of this with some pics into Craigslist. Or try an online dating site. For us nerds sometimes being able to chat over the net is easier than asking someone out in real life. I'd go for choosing your own mate... I wouldn't trust my parents to pick for me.
All the best. <3
@Prof_Padula@xanga - He said sex after marriage.
Go out with friends and just meet people. Don't be afraid to do stupid things. Have fun and enjoy college! Make it a memorable year, and just don't worry about girls.
sorry i meant why do you only believe in sex after marriage!!
i completely see the logic in waiting for sex until after marriage (and i'm heading for that route)... however, i really really don't agree with kissing only after marriage. if you're going to marry someone, you need physical chemistry... i've dated four boys, i've kissed four boys. i broke up with three boys because there was no chemistry (among other very important reasons... thats another story). having a sex life is a big part of marriage... it just IS, and you don't need to have sex with the person to know if you have the capability of having a good sexual life together.
now, i'm not minimizing the importance of the other aspects of a relationship, i'm just saying.
how i would find a girl is not by sending her a valentine without really knowing her... usually it just comes across as creepy. what i'd do is get involved with activities at your school (even academic ones... clubs and organizations that are mostly academics based, or a academic fraternity... i know there's a chemistry sorority/fraternity at my college) and get to know people (both boys and girls) that way. then maybe get a study buddy. trust me, you're NOT the most awkward person out there... if you look in the right places, there are people just like you.
and i would stay away from arranged marriages... just my opinion
You might not want to hear dating advice from some 15 year old chick you've never met, but i'll give it a go anyways. I know a lot of girls like when a guy is fun, funny, confident (not cocky) sweet, and smart! Smart guys are hard to find. And a guy like you only seems to be lacking confidence, no offense o' course but you talk down about yourself. Valentines day is always an intimidating time for singles but im pretty sure any girl would find a card from an admirer super sweet. And first impressions are important but a casual look like jeans a t-shirt and tennis shoes are fine! Manners are important as well! As for time... well thats what texting and short dates like lunch or coffee are for, it doesnt take as much as you think to get a good girl so I say give dating a chance before resorting to your parents pick!
Who needs cards and romance when you can watch hentai porn with your loyal hand every night while your folks do all the work for you!
@Prof_Padula@xanga - Sex isn't a big deal. I am not expecting sex to be great. But I don't want to be clouded by physical euphoria. Many guys I know stuck around in a relationship because they were "getting some" I don't want to be clouded with the same problems. I want to really know her for a few years before I think about it. Plus another moral and personal philosophies.
@monke_man - well arranging marriages have actually changed quite a bit now. In my family we do it pretty often. In my parent's age it was "Do you like him? Does he look good enough, Does he have enough money? Do you like her? Do you think she looks pretty enough for you?" after that they would MAYBE date for awhile then say yes or no (usually it was yes). Some of them married after the first meeting. This isn't just for my family I seen other chinese families do something similar.
Presently do the rebels us the younger generation is, we decide whether to get one or not and we decide to be with the person or not (without parental pressure).
@ironic_vertigo@xanga - My friends did that to me... I got crazy girls.... >.>....
@kinamorata@xanga - yeah same... I need more friends... LOL
@AznFier@xanga - Well Pharmacy School doesn't give me much fun. LOL
@iiinfinitesimal@xanga - Well Arranged marriage is more of a last resort. My family has a "genetic defect" in this area of courage. Most of the males in my family resort to this "arranged marriage"
I know she thinks I am a creeper already (by accident). I didn't mean to but yeah I have a meeting with the girl which she is going to reject me and crush me. >.> well I am prepared. I have a quite straightforward mind which I can't analyze things until I realize what I have done. Hence writing to her fb status seems stalkerish after you tell them you have a crush on them = fail. I tried going to places but I have no interest in those things or I don't have time for them in my school. Due to my school club activities only happen at certain times and ONLY when i have class. Which restricts me from attending them even if I wanted to.
@asia - Yes I know I lack confidence. I just hate the flushing feeling of blushing when I do certain actions. Such as approaching a girl. First impressions are important and I don't know what to do. Girls have different definitions of cocky and confident which sometimes no matter how timid I may be at the time can still wind up cocky. >.> When I gave her a v-day card she was shocked and I was wearing my new AE shirt >.< which my friends were surprised when i wore something out of my usual fashion and glad and told me to continue on it.
well I am still working on confidence i am learning to make new friends now but still pretty hard because I blush without warning and i find it just eh....
@swipedebitcardthruasscheeks@xanga - I rather not watch porn and masterbate. I don't want my parents do everything for me.
Are you religious?
I only ask because maybe you could find someone at church..
(It would give you a better chance at finding someone with your values)
Not that those without religion (like myself) LACK values, but perhaps your chances would be better in a religious organization (mainly one that values the 'sex after marriage' bit)
And the fact that you view arranged marriage as a last resort is kind of a bad sign. Viewing anything as a last resort doesn't show all too much enthusiasm about it. I think you sort of have to be really into the idea for it to work.
Good luck (:
give her the card! a girl always likes those sweet messages.. and if she wants to get to know you better than great! :) but, i think sex can always make the relationship stronger.. and if you two feel mentally/emotionally compatible with each other, then why not? just cus your friends get stuck in that position, doesn't mean you will..
anyway, good luck and happy vday!
try to take the pressure off a little. instead of setting a goal to get a date with a girl, try to just get to know her a little. then try to be a good friend to her. eventually, and maybe after you've made a few new friends, the more complex relationships will come.
i hope you find someone amazing. :)
@TheRealMelanie@xanga - I am not religious >.> I am agnostic. My view on sex after marriage is one I picked up because of how I hated guys treating girls as sex toys and how it was my own personal agenda to stop myself from doing so. Nothing God related about that. It was all my friends that went to church to pick up girls is what I hated the most.
@tiptoplove@xanga - I know sex brings upon the physical aspect of the relationship, but I want to make it past the honeymoon stage of a relationship and see where it goes. Because in every relationship is a like that cute happy honeymoon stage, I want to go past that and really get to know her. Know the things she does that ticks me off and the things I do that tick her off. What we have planned for the future. After all that I'd assume it'd take a few years and by then we MIGHT be able to get married.
@Honey14 - Thanks I hope I find someone amazing too. Well I guess that's all I wanted to do. I gave the valentine's day card to just throw it out there that I wanted to know her better and would she give me a chance to know her better. Nevertheless, people think overboard and thinks I want to date her. Well I do but I actually in all honestly wouldn't mind just a cup of coffee with her.
BTW I love how no one really answered my other questions LOL
@tiptoplove@xanga - I agree with his stance. My number one criteria for a woman is that she is not seducible by anyone but the man she'll spend the rest of her life with. That includes being in the clear about all important related matters before deciding whether they're compatible for a life long commitment. That also means that, even at my age of 31, any woman at my age who I'd consider would either be a virgin or a widow of the only man she's been with. I want a woman with great reasoning skills; so in her case, my criteria is a given.
@chanchina@xanga - Sorry I can't answer any of your questions. A quality mate is almost as difficult to find as a natural five leaf clover growing on a loaf of bread that just happened to be left alone long enough to turn into dirt. I hope the good one's don't take that as an insult. It's just that they're not so visible. And every time you feel you may have found one, she makes every effort to convince you that that she's nothing like what you're looking for.
@chanchina@xanga - It's chill, some girls find it really cute that you blush because you're shy. The important part is that you're stepping out of the ordinary for that girl and you don't mind blushing and whatnot. Sure it takes a bit to get used to but that's what matters, that leap of faith for her.
And yeah I know grad school isn't fun but hey, you'll find SOME kind of time I hope. Even if it's just studying together with someone. Any amount of time is still TIME with her.
@AznFier@xanga - yeah I should take more of those leaps of faith... Just wish sometimes it wasn't so far into the pit sometimes.
But yeah grad school sucks. I had time because of the East coast blizzard to make an igloo with friends. That was fun
@iiinfinitesimal@xanga - I didn't really answer the kissing part.. well Kissing and embracing I can do but it supposedly it can tempt me to go further. I don't want to be tempted she's gonna have to stop me, if I lose my self control. I don't want to regret doing something past that such as sex and regret it later on because I don't want to be with that person. I don't want to be guilted into being into a relationship because I took her first time or got her pregnant. I am a guy that can live on follow my duty and not searching for happiness. I don't think girl would be much happier to know I am staying with her because I feel like it is my duty to be with her.
strike a casual conversation and become her friend, then let things flow from there slowly. if she makes excuses for not wanting to go out with you when you invite her somewhere, she is most likely not interested but if she seems enthusiastic and flirts with you, it is a good sign and she possibly likes you.
I don't like arranged marriages because most likely my family will want me to marry some really old, ugly, wrinkly rich man that is repulsive to me. no way.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Thanks for the advice,
I too wouldn't want to marry an old rich guy LOL So am I old and ugly? LOL
There are a lot of questions here. I would suggest not trying too hard. Someone will love you for who you are. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway - though I am single and 30 next year.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/