Saturday, 13 February 2010
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Is Fighting Necessary for a Good Relationship?
I admit, this will be more of a rant than a question, but still, I'd like to know if everyone else is as delusional as this guy who commented to me on the Stages of a Relationship post.
Ryan [ilovemusic1594@xanga] decided to write a long comment to my response to this post, which was that while I have experienced the typical honeymoon-then fighting stages, with my current boyfriend of two years, I haven’t. We’re not perfect, we do fight, but we just don’t make a big deal out of it, and ‘the guilty one’ is usually apologizing within an hour or two. Ryan decided to say that we’re simply lying to ourselves by not fighting.
Seriously? Now I need to constantly fight with my boyfriend to consider our relationship good? Ryan has a lovely girlfriend of three years [but they knew each other for three years before that too in case you doubted their relationship – because clearly, without knowing them, I’m going to pass judgments on them]. What offended me is how he wrote an essay long response to my few lines, telling me as a fact that my relationship is basically unhealthy. He even asked me if people laugh and scoff at how delusional and unhealthy our perpetual honeymoon phase is. I’ve never had anyone tell us we’re unhealthy in terms of our relationship, nor did I have anyone laugh or scoff at us. We also don’t have a ‘perpetual honeymoon phase’.
What we have, as I like to call it is the reduced or comfortable honeymoon phase. It’s less honeymoon and more comfortableness but basically, we still have the sparks flying, we’re not bored or sick of each other. We argue, but every argument doesn’t have to be an Oscar-winning performance now, does it? Are we auditioning for a scene in one of those soap operas where Fernando falls in love with Maria but Maria likes Mario who is secretly Fernando’s brother but then Maria falls off the horse and she loses her memory and suddenly Fernando convinces her again to love him and then they are happily ever after…until of course Maria realizes that she likes caramel popcorn and Fernando likes it with just butter. Clearly, that’s a deal-breaker.
I went off-topic, but my point is, if you’re in a relationship: you don’t have to be happy 100% of the time, in fact that’s as creepy as a clown is. But your relationship isn’t good just because you have daily/weekly/monthly/ or as my brother’s friend refers to it, ”whenever that bitch’s period comes’ arguments - that doesn’t earn you kudos either.
Anyway, the question to the people, and I ask this with slight sarcasm since I’m not sure what I’d say to the people who respond yes to the first two questions:
Do you believe that a relationship is only good if you have a minimum amount of arguments?
Do you believe the opposite that a relationship is only good if you have rainbows and cupcakes and violins playing in your head and a deathly pink fog around you?
Or,do you [like me] believe that there has to be a healthy medium, but more happiness than arguments [say 70% happiness, 30% arguments/disagreements…or maybe 80/20%? I’m just throwing numbers at you now]?
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- From: Cest_LaxVie@xanga
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Comments (60)
Definitely the third. Unfortunately, right now it's more like WWIII. :-\
Good post
~peace, love
Yes, you can't like someone ALL the time. It's unhealthy.
So, every weekend, my girlfriend and I pull out the nunchakus and kunai and engage in Mortal Kombat...
Three words: make up sex. There needs to be arguments - it's the fuel that keeps passion alive.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Well there can be arguments but there needs to be making up for it. Not sure what % there should be but there can never be 50% or greater arguments.
Just fight some healthy way. Duke it out over super smash brothers. "Winner takes all." If your guy likes super smash, there's no way he's backing down. Guys are competitive. Use it against.
Uhrr just make sure you practice :)
But yeah too much gets really stressful
The less you argue the better things are. I've never had a disagreement with my SO in 4 yrs since we met.
People should not connect the amount of fights in a relationship
to the happiness of the relationship.
There are people who fight a LOT, and they're still extremely HAPPY.
There are two things about fighting that make or break a relationship:
1) Whether the couple actually like fighting (cause oddly some do, they get a real kick out of it)
2) Whether the couple are fine AFTER a fight
Me and my SO had been dating a year before getting into an argument (not a fight), but then a year and a half later we fought so many times we were definitely on the verge of breaking up.
Now we talked about it,
As long as we learned a lesson after the fighting, then the fight was well worth it
It helped us to grow and understand each other.
But, if after the fight, we realized it was for something itty bitty and really had no relational or educational substance, then we best get over it and move on.
It's not the amount of fights that make a relationship work.
It's the reason we get into fights
And what we get out of them.
Some couples go through life without ever fighting because, luckily, they understand each other without getting frustrated, maybe they're more patient or less hotheaded. Some couples go through life getting into fights all the time because it's a way of expressing either their day to the extreme, or it's actually an activity they enjoy (again, some couples get a knock out of fighting, others well, they don't).
I think Ryan's opinion should not affect you. It's his judgment, his philosophy, supposedly not yours.
I hate this rule that says "Every good couple needs to fight (maybe not all the time). Every good couple needs to fight because it's unhealthy if you don't."
No, that's not true.
Some people need to fight, some don't. It's the two people involved who decide it. And of those people are not on the same lines, then yes, they are bound to fight. They need to find someone who is on the same line, who has the same expectations when it comes to fighting. Otherwise, the fighting is unnecessary, and emotions are wasted.
hmmm... depends on the each party's personality I guess. I agree with your 80-20 split. Peace and quite is my personal choice but if some things have to be let out then I'd prefer them to be out in the open.
well for a couple to never have an aurgument is.....not normal. kinda weird. for the few few whiles yea, but in long terms, every couple with have their own disagreements.
but who cares whether they fight 24/7 or if they fight once every month, or year ya know?
it doesnt really matter to me. i mean like, cmon, every ones relationship is different. right?
as long as two people love each other, ( the real deal not that fake hoo haa that lots of people fall for kinda love )
then does it ever matter if they fight alot or a little?
people should never judge anothers relationship so, HEY i toooootally agree with you lady =D
that dude is LAME
I fight with my boyfriend a lot. I don't like to keep things bottled up inside, so instead I just tell him. Sometimes it's a bit blunt, but I really think that if I did not confront my boyfriend about certain things, it would just make me explode in the future. Same with him. If he's angry with me about anything, I'd rather he tell me about it instead of keeping it inside and revealing his anger in the future.
Fighting is healthy in a relationship. Of course, there are people who don't fight and find that fighting is something they'd rather avoid. I think it is different for everybody.
i definitely think fights are good in a relationship, but not in the way everyone else seems to think so.
fights are good because it's a chance for the parties involved to find out about each other, to get to know each other's fighting strategies, and to see how they solve problems together. without fights, you never really get to know each other completely.
destructive fights(screaming, hitting, throwing things, etc.), however, are NOT healthy for a relationship, and anyone in one should try very, very hard not to let things get that far.
People fight, that's a fact of life. I, personally, think constant fighting seems unhealthy. Bickering bothers me. I want fights done quickly and cleanly with little yelling, but I realize that serious fights do happen. I just find it strange that he believes your relationship is unhealthy because you DON'T fight regularly. Some people just handle their issues in such a way that fighting isn't necessary. Whatev.
i wouldnt take it so personally. fighting is good as long as it doesnt get out of hand. but every relationship is different.
Generally, people assume that when you're not fighting, you're not allowing any of the natural negative feelings you will come across to come out (so, emotional repression). Obviously, this isn't the case for everyone. Some people either just don't have a problem with many things, they don't experience stress in a manner that forces them to lash out, or they just are very good at smoothing out conflict in a time-efficient manner. I don't like bickering, as others have said, I think that shows a lack of respect for the other partner, as does nagging.
Ehh, my boyfriend and I don't really fight much. Sometimes we'll deliberately annoy each other for the hell of it though. When we do fight it's quick, clean and constructive with only some residual pouting and ignoring. When we don't fight about something that's upsetting us we go into silent matches (which are by far worse and much less constructive.) Some fighting helps everyone say what needs to be said, but regular fights is too stressful for us.
Make love, not war?
It depends on the type of fights and whatever. I dunno. Personally, I hate to fight in a relationship. My latest one I ended because she'd just get argumentative about pretty much anything. If I was hanging out with anyone but her, or if I didn't end a conversation on MSN, "Properly," or the fact that I didn't tell her I was in love with her. We understood that we were coming into the relationship with insane amounts of emotional baggage, so when she decided that she was over everything else [in 2 weeks], that I, undoubtedly, should be ready too. Even if she cheated on me in the first week. We only dated 3 weeks. Fucking nuts.
Anyways, my strange point is, I can see that some types of fighting could potentially be beneficial to a relationship, but as a whole, I tend to avoid it. Not like, avoid problems, I just was lucky to not really have any problems that resulted in fighting. I've had disagreements that some people confused as fighting, but I've never got tenloud or shouted, it was just things like... what we felt was inappropriate drug/alcohol use, or showing concern about not seeing eachother enough etc. I just feel if you're in a relationship thats pretty much a shouting match 24/7, then why are you together in the first place? Call me ignorant, maybe.
Different relationships are different. There is no normal. Just tell him to stfu and stop judging your relationship.
I think disagreeing is healthy. And fighting is healthy, I guess, if you survive it without holding grudges. But if grudges build up because of a fight, and you fight more often than not, then it's obviously bad.
Avoiding fighting is bad, and always just giving in instead of sticking to your own beliefs is bad, but just having a happy medium? Isn't that what we're all going for?
Meant to add: from experience, fighting does more damage than anything. But ehh. I don't know.
I think it's ridiculous to say that because you never fight, your relationship isn't that good. Seriously, in what universe does that make sense at all?! You wouldn't tell someone that them and their best friend don't fight enough. You wouldn't tell someone their family didn't love them because they never got in fights with them. The times in my relationships where I was the happiest is when we weren't fighting. I hate fighting with my boyfriend, and he hates fighting with me. It makes things worse, not better. There is nothing wrong with your relationship just because you don't fight!!!!!
"What we have, as I like to call it is the reduced or comfortable
honeymoon phase. It’s less honeymoon and more comfortableness but
basically, we still have the sparks flying, we’re not bored or sick of
each other. We argue, but every argument doesn’t have to be an
Oscar-winning performance now, does it?"
this is my relationship- no longer honeymoon, but very comfortable and very much in love. when we have disagreements (because we never "fight") we resolve them calmly and rationally and both end up apologizing in the end. and no- this does not happen often, because I want to enjoy every moment of our relationship as much as I can. we're not about drama and fighting... I'd say our relationship is split 10/90? and even the 10% seems a little high.
whatever man. that guy is a moron. relationships that consist of constant fighting are generally extremely immature and poorly though out, with a serious lack of communication skills... does not spell success to me. fuck that.
@Gorrific@xanga - I agree with you.
It's good to let your SO how you feel or if you have a problem with anything, but that doesn't mean you have to fight. Fighting in a relationship just causes even more problems. There is such a thing as a happy/good/fun relationship for those of you who aren't in one or never have been. Arguements are bound to happen, but to make little issues bigger than they really are is just childish. Everyone needs to learn how to just talk about what's bothering them. Good post though... that guy has just never experienced it