Semantics are tricky, perhaps more so in relationships than in any other situation. This is saying something coming from an English major. However, I agonize over relationship semantics far more than I do for any paper I write for class or any article I write for the school paper.
My SO, fortunately, doesn't tend to make things like this complicated. He's straightforward, to-the-point, direct, never flowery. So it startles me whenever he pulls some strange semantic magic tricks on me. One in particular is the current thorn-in-my-side, the single aspect of my relationship which I could conceivably lose sleep over--the "living situation predicament."
We are currently undergraduate college students, attending a small liberal arts school where living off-campus is practically impossible. Thus, it's dorm life for us automatically, which is a different ball game than the real world of apartments, rent payments, and "moving in" with each other. However, by a little sneakiness, we've arranged it so that I "live" with my SO in his dorm room, and his room mate "lives" with his SO in her dorm room (she's my roommate). So we've essentially swapped, and it's all worked out perfectly. As busy individuals, sharing rooms allows us all to see our SO's daily, to talk, to be close to each other, to have privacy in an environment which puts a premium on it. All is well and perfect, then, eh? It is, except for one (not-so) tiny thing: semantics.
My SO doesn't like to call our situation "living together." Though he happily encouraged me to move my stuff there, to help decorate, to help take care of our goldfish--I'm still only "staying there." This upset me the first time it came up because if I'm only "staying there," I'm not actually "living" anywhere. And this fact is never a comforting one, to feel like your "home-base" is merely a temporary landing strip, despite the fact that you clean up and that you have a key.
He didn't want me to be upset--that the last thing he wanted. In earnest, he told me that in his family, "living together" means that you'll most likely be getting married in the next year, that you're planning honeymoons and what kind of cake you want. I knew that that wasn't the place we were in this relationship, but I wished he'd make an exception in this case, that I could "live with him" without signing a marriage license. "Staying" somewhere makes you vulnerable, makes you a traveler in a motel and your SO the motel owner, who can kick you out if you don't pay your bill. You're not equals in this instance. YOU'RE the guest and HE is the host--you're treated graciously but you have no sense of leverage.
"This has nothing to do with the way I feel about you," he said. He meant it. He looked me straight in the eye and I knew he wasn't messing with me. He never does.
"So it's just...semantics?"
"Yep. That's all."
I've tried to put the semantics behind me, tried to be okay that it's his room though in reality we share it. Because, though I don't agree with how he words it, his actions speak louder than words. He makes me feel like this is my place, too, though I'm merely "staying." And I feel like I should be okay with that and not desire something more in the wording department.
So let me pose some questions to you all:
Have semantics made your relationship more difficult or created obstacles for you and your SO? If so, did you overcome it and how?
And, has a question of what it means to "live together" caused problems for you?
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Comments (22)
if he lets you decorate the place, it is a good sign for you. I haven't had problems because I haven't moved in with a guy. they are okay to cuddle with and all but I can't stand living with him yet if he has annoying quirks when we aren't living together.
I can understand where you're coming from, but I can see his side too. In college, my SO (now husband) and I did pretty much the same thing. His roommates were always gone or out really late so I started staying in his dorm room with him sometimes. Pretty soon I was leaving stuff over there and eventually months would go by when I never slept in my own assigned room. But I never said that we were living together, it was always staying together. One reason was because it was nice to be able to have my own place to go back to. If we ever had an argument, or I just needed my own space I always had a retreat. Secondly, while we never got in trouble, it was almost certainly frowned upon to move in with your BF in an on-campus dorm.
Maybe your boyfriend is just a little freaked out because "living together" means something very specific to him. If it's still bothering you in a few months try bringing the subject up again. And remember, even though you've worked out this arrangement, you do always have the option of going back to your room.
When my husband and I were just dating...after about a month, we never spent a night apart. EVER. We didn't officially start living together until about 6 months, and we didn't call it living together until he officially asked me to live with him, but we both agreed we "basically" lived together before then, haha.
It is just semantics. I wouldn't say you're living together until you're out of the dorms, just my opinion.
I'm at the "staying together" phase right now. Only instead of dorm living, my bf and I have our own places (I have an apt and he has a house). I'm at his house everyday and at first I was bothered but due to both of our last relationships, we realized neither of us wants to move in right away (or even after my lease is up in July). I'm ok now but it took a lot of talking. (I freaked out a lot).
I wouldn't be too worried about it.
so why don't you tell him it's YOUR room and HE'S the temp?
tell him to get over himself and titles!!
it's good that his actions speak well. his semantics argument is so weak though.
ahahahaha i was known as the Girl who's bf slept in her dorm room every flippin night last semester.
nah that doesnt really count as living since ya know its a dorm no real privacy. but my bf are dying to live together soon and get married soon.
but i think its cute that you guys are staying/living together and have a goldfish
id say look at the bright side at least since you're staying together he takes what you guys have a lot more seriously than most college guys do. i mean that means you know he's not fooling around with other girls on campus since he wont be bringing any to stay the night or mess around.
so at least you guys may not officially be living together he at least cares about you and trusts you enough to share a room together. id say getting an actual place would be the next step ;)
living together to me means that we're pretty serious and we see this long term whether marriage is in the future or not. but when it's not long term, i like to have my own space and own place to come back to.
It sounds like he's not sure about you yet. If he was, you'd have a plan to get married in the next year or 2, not just free sex whenever one of you feels like it.
How about saying "we share a room"? Ugh. Such technicalities would annoy me.
i prefer to call it "staying together"
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I guess my understanding is that you're just sharing a dorm room. It's not an apartment, it's not REALLY living together anyhow. I shared a room with my roommates in college, but I wouldn't actually say that we had lived together, because my REAL home at that time was 100 miles away (my parents' home, where I went home in the summer and over break).
Because you're both staying at a place that belongs to the school-and not you two, I'd call it staying together. After your school year is up, guess what? You move out and then in to another dorm (normally) So yes, this is a temporary place of residence thus making "staying" a far more acceptable phrase than living. Living would imply you are starting a life together and a future. I don't think either of you are quite at that point yet. (Your not wanting the marriage license part yet gives that away). Personally I think you are over analyzing the whole situation and making it a bigger deal then what it really is.
IDK I think more like a guy than a woman though about most aspects concerning relationship. I grew up being the only if not one of very few gals surrounded by lots of dudes so I picked up the "guy" way of living/thinking. I still work/live with mostly men too.
@Covergirl_For_Sanity_Fair@xanga - I think you're wrong.
In general? Semantics suck, and I went through something like that in the beginning of my relationship, but mostly now it's gone. We don't live together though, but we do frequently sleep over at each other's places.
Honestly, I think that semantics is everything. You ask someone a question, and you would like a straight forward answer. Unfortunately from my own experience when you are in a relatinship, sometimes it is the hardest to say what you really mean to your SO, in fear of what there response will be. In reality like you said actions speek louder than words. Sometimes we would like both, but only get one. But honstly think to yourself, is your situation really that bad. Ask yourself how is your SO treating you, and are they being sincere. I think that should be enough.
Yeah, semantics has been an issue. But basically, we always worked it out. We both couldn't forget about it, but instead we worked at it until we came to the same conclusion.
Btw, I envy that you have this opportunity. I am a college freshmen, but my boyfriend is a high school senior and will be attending a different college in the fall. You are very lucky.
I think if it bothers you maybe you should tell him that you feel like it is your space but if he tells everyone (not just his family especially) that you 'stay' with him that leaves you feeling a little homeless and that's not cool
everybody makes some concessions for their family but their family also has to get to how your BF and how you do things. the end.
I guess I didn't realize its a dorm. dorms can get crowded if there are arguments and roommates can get bent out of shape....
Oh goodness. Have had many issues stem from semantics. Never worth it, though. It's hard, but you should always try to move on. Don't stress over these things.
I was with my last ex for three months & my desire to go from "dating" to "a couple" is what broke us up. :-\
(can you even call it "breaking up" since we weren't technically "in a relationship"?)