Tuesday, 09 February 2010
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Once a Cheater, NOT Always a Cheater!
I have been dating my current boyfriend for three years this April. This is the longest relationship either of us has been in. We have been dating since I was 15 years old; over half of the time I was in high school I was in a relationship with him. However, towards the end of 2009 I began to doubt our relationship.
It was early December: his family was pressing for marriage, and I became greatly concerned. Marriage? I'm 18! I'm a college freshman! I have my whole life ahead of me! I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet! My boyfriend, sensing this concern, began to cling to me emotionally in fear of losing me. This only made me more weary and looking for a way out.
When I cheated on my boyfriend (mid December), I felt nothing emotionally from having sex with somebody I didn't love. I guess that was my biggest curiosity, since I had never slept with anybody else other than him. Thinking about marrying him brought up all of these concerns in my head...I had never so much as even kissed another guy, other than my boyfriend. I wondered what it would be like to love somebody else. I quickly discovered that love does not equal sex.
My boyfriend cheated on me as well during the same time frame, and he admitted to having the same feeling of "emotionlessness." We broke up for roughly a week before we got back together. We'd both never had a hookup. We'd both never had casual sex. We both realized it wasn't for us, and how special of a bond we truly had. We began to date again, realizing the importance of openness and communication with each other. We took it slowly, knowing it'd take time to forgive each other and move forward; we didn't even know if that would be possible. Thankfully, it was.
I feel as if cheating is a very ambiguous subject, and varies greatly from couple to couple. Clearly if you're doing something like having multiple affairs for years at a time, you've got some issues you need to straighten out. Otherwise, I feel as if my relationship with my boyfriend has grown significantly throughout this experience. Admittedly, I don't feel as scared at the idea of marriage, knowing that we could make it out of such a situation with two level-heads. Of course not all aspects of our situation are explained here because it would take up quite a lot of space to explain every exact detail, but this is a general gist of what happened, and how we benefited from the whole experience.
My question to you is, "once a cheater, always a cheater?" Or is there that obnoxious middle ground to cover as well?
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- From: Bella_Mabel@xanga
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Comments (26)
This is one of those things you just can't generalise about - but certainly not everyone who cheats will do it again. I have cheated once - and it was just a kiss. The next day I felt so bad that I bad to spill all. I don't think I could do it again. Certainly not with a girl I loved.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
People can learn from their relationship mistakes. Not all cheaters will cheat forever.
"Clearly if you're doing something like having multiple affairs for years at a time, you've got some issues you need to straighten out."
That is a retarded and bitchy thing to say. You have to remember that is how YOU felt when you cheated on your boyfriend and he cheated on you. Some people are naturally monogamous, some are not- Just because someone gains fulfillment out of flings doesn't mean something is wrong with them.More on topic: I've cheated on past relationships, and I've also been cheated on. I've been in this relationship for over a year and not cheated on my boyfriend once (he the same, current boyfriend). Well... look at that! Free will! Maturity accumulation! People are not the same forever! We are all baffled. But there are people who will meet me and assume because I've not been faithful in my past relationships I'm doomed to be that way forever. It's stupid and childish to think that someone is always going to be that way. It's some kind of societal thing... that kind of thinking.
True - people can change. But, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Maybe it's just because I've seen it and experienced it over and over again, but if you cheat once (for whatever reason) there is a much higher chance that you'll experience those feelings again and be more likely to cheat again. Hopefully you and your bf don't cheat again, but I truely believe the chance is higher.
I agree, so much depends on the situation. In a situation like the one you describe there is little reason to think you or your boyfriend will cheat again. Other people are naturally non-monogamous and may cheat repeatedly or would prefer an open relationship.
the one that always gets me though, are the women I have known that will cheat with a married man and then be surprised when they discover he is cheating on them! How can anyone be that naive?
sounds like the both of you just had a hook up out of curiosity before getting married like an unofficial bachelor/bachelorette party. interesting way to come to your realizations. you broke up for a week when the both of you hooked up with someone else, so it isn't really cheating. I've never cheated and don't ever want to. the thought of having sex with someone who is practically a stranger is just too revolting to me. if I ever cheated, it would most likely be emotional cheating
One would not commit the act of 'cheating' on a spouse, unless they were completely satisfied with their existing relationship, correct?
Re:
"Clearly if you're doing something like
having multiple affairs for years at a time, you've got some issues you
need to straighten out."
That is a retarded and bitchy thing to say.
I don't think that it is either 'retarded', nor is it bitchy to assume that one might have some personal problems concerning their acts. Though I have never cheated myself, I have been cheated on - which only leaves room to question, "Am I not good enough?" amongst other things. I guess that's just me. I just feel as though, if a person is not content, no longer in love, curious - what have you - then better to break things off before the feelings become much deeper...Although I can also understand why one might cheat, in terms of being extremely overwhelmed by a significant other. It's a reaction that is natural to a situation. I don't believe in "right" or "wrong" - but one choice does bring positive consequences, and another negative. It is extremely good to hear that the choice that your boyfriend and yourself made to venture off (Although you were still connected by label), probably could have been the best choice that you could have made. By doing this, it makes you realize again what made you fall in love with this person to begin with. That is always healthy.
I wouldn't be willing to take any risks.
Usually, a person cheats on someone they don't care about. The cheating stopped with the both of you because you realized you're both in love. But if you were with your bf and didn't love him, you'd probably continue to cheat, and vice versa, if your bf didn't love you.
Normally I don't agree with cheating but it sounds like both of you needed an experience or two outside of each other. It's good that at least you two realized that after all that, you really loved one another. But if you thought after cheating that you needed to move one, would that have been so bad? I personally don't think so.
"My question to you is, "once a cheater, always a cheater?""
-Obviously, not always,looking at your story! =P
It was like you two needed that in order to get past the fear of commitment (on your part.)
I could never deal with my SO cheating on me,sleeping with someone else though.
Great post!
Cheating is an immature way to deal with your emotions. It is not justified just because both of you did it at the same time. You should have had the balls to talk to him about how you were feeling. That's how mature relationships work and last.
It happens. It's unfortunate, and it's a learning experience, but it's a case by case situation, and no, I think that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is an immature way for other people who haven't happened to be in a certain situation to make themselves feel like better people.
Unfortunately of the 4 people I know who have cheated, only 1 learned their leason. The other 3 hasn't and I know that 1 of them may be infected and the other is bound to get infected with something. Personally I don't really care for those 3 and they've lost my respect not just because they've cheated but more for other reasons, actions and decisions they've taken. So I guess what I'm trying to say is no, not all who cheat will cheat again.
Cheating on someone is just about the worst emotional damage you can inflict upon them (aside from being verbally/physically abusive). It is my opinion that the reason you break up with someone once they cheat on you is not simply because of the act itself, but because if you are willing and able to cheat on someone, there is no end to the kind of emotional damage you will inflict on each other.
I cheated on my ex, I felt so bad and fessed up to him, in which he told me we would fix things, but we couldnt work out our differences and broke up. Looking back, when I cheated it meant nothing, I felt nothing, BECAUSE their was no love. Now I am engaged and I can't picture cheating on him ever...I never want to feel the guilt I felt with my last relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater, is not always correct.
sometimes, it is hard to fix. but if you are really in love, maybe you can change that.
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This is a great post. I cheated on my husband, about a year later we seperated, i got a restraining order (explained later in comment) and are working on a divorce now. well, i'm working on a divorce. my situation involved abuse and immaturity (abuse on his part, immaturity on mine) ... when i cheated i was already emotionally numb. i felt like a rock, just surviving because i had to for my babies. i felt guilty, though, and it made me question my love for my husband ... i mean, if i loved him, why wouldi do that? and if i don't love him, why am i staying? so i fessed up. BIG MISTAKE, the abuse just got worse ... anyway, i'm def not cheating ever again, it really is pointless. i think mine served a purpose in waking me up, sort of, but the consequences? not worth it. anyway, done rambling.
good job coming back together stronger! :)
I once cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years. It was around the later part of the 3rd year and I had sex with another girl. Well technically it wasn't sex as there was no penetration, but I felt so bad that I told Him the next day and yeah He was upset and He lost some trust but now after working it out and talking it out I'm as faithful as ever with O/our trust intact and this May W/we're going to move in together and hopefully should things go O/our way W/we'll be married this October.
I have cheated on many women and with many married women. I loved every minute of it until I had a girlfriend cheat on me. I had never realized how much it hurt your SO. Since that time I have been totally faithful and actually disrespect any married woman who approaches me for sex.
Not everyone has that same experience that you did, so I'm still going to say that a lot of people who cheat will still cheat years and years down the road. Some people can just never get over that feeling and will always be that way. Your situation was remarkably lucky, if you ask me. I don't know that someone will always cheat, but it's an uncertainty.
Why are we even referring this as cheating? People in our society in this day and age believe that reaching out emotionally and physically to someone other than his/her significant other is just wrong. No one is perfect. We're not penguins mating for life. Some of us enjoy the company of someone other than our husband or boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with that. The important factor to take into consideration is open communication in any form of a relationship. It doesn't have to always mean a new romance. Sometimes people just want to try something new, and so they reach out and experience what they were curious about. If you can't be honest in a relationship about doubts or specific needs, then how will that relationship last? In some cases it is a good thing to breakup even if it's just a short break or an actual breakup for months at a time. It's called pursuing your individual needs and goals. With this being said, in any relationship you must have good communication and understand any situation that might arise.
I am no expert. I've had bad relationships in the past, and yes I've been "cheated" on. But I guess they weren't satisfied with what I had to offer as a person. I've openly admitted to hooking up with a few guy friends, to my boyfriend of 3 yrs. And yeah, he wasn't exactly thrilled but he understood why I was reaching out to others and not him. Now he takes my feelings more into consideration and we have a much better relationship because we communicate more. I haven't felt any romantic feelings for any of my guy friends. I love my bestfriend, and for awhile this long distance that we've endured for 2 yrs of our 3 yr relationship has been overwhelming and at times lonely. But we made the decision together and are making it work.
So, my answer for the original author of this blog, is no. No, you're not a cheater. No, your boyfriend is not a cheater. You two are young and in love. No one is perfect. You both have needs just like every human does. You were curious and you took action. But that in no shape or form labels either of you, a cheater.
A cheater is an individual who doesn't prefer to communicate honestly about how he/she is feeling about their present relationship, and cowardly lacks connection with significant other. Therefore, retreats to another individual as a replacement for the void in the other relationship. A cheater lacks trust and faith in either partner which triggers the pattern to repeat itself, and unfortunately becomes a web of a thousand lies.
well i would say, people do change, but some people just don't (at least not until they are cheated on) because they are too self-centered and haven't ever emotionally attached to their SO. and if u ever have cheated on somebody, there would certainly be a higher chance of u cheating again
I personally am of the belief that if you are with the right person, you won't cheat. You won't even be tempted to cheat. This could be just my opinion, but in my past, the only times I've ever cheated were when I was in a relationship that I knew for a fact wasn't going anywhere. My last boyfriend, I cheated on him within a couple weeks of him moving in with me, because I felt trapped and I wasn't ready for the commitment. Also, he moved in way too soon. And I truly did have no feelings or emotional attachment for him. However, a few months down the road, when I was presented with the opportunity to cheat on him with someone I'd been head over heels over for years, I didn't cheat, because our emotional bond had grown so much. This is a good reason for me to not date anyone who I don't have a previous history and friendship with already. Now I'm with the girl I was in love with (and quite easily could have cheated on him with) and she's worried that I'm going to cheat on her because I cheated on him, when in all honesty I can't imagine that happening, PERIOD, because any time I've had fantasies of being with someone else when I was in a relationship, she was always the one on my mind...
no not always. i was just like you, except the guy i was dating was 5 years older. and he's the type to be ready to settle down. i was his first girlfriend but he wasn't my first boyfriend. and when we started to have that long relationship, it kinda scared me. it worked out for you, it didn't work out for me.