Times change, people move on, but some things linger in the air like a thin cloud of pungent memory, and most times you can't smell it, but it's still always there. These things can have an adverse effect on relationships in the long run. I want to share a little anecdote on this note.
So my friend Ronnie has been dating this girl Jenny for about a year now. They went to high school together, and they're now in their senior year of college, but Ron seems to have an issue about his girlfriend's past. The other night we were hanging out together: Ron, Jenny, my friend Suzanna, and I. Jenny and Suzanna grew up together and are the closest of friends. Anyway we were lounging around at my apartment over a few bottles of wine, and the girls got a little tipsy and their conversation a little more adventurous. We were reminiscing about the past and the girls starting going off about their juvenile promiscuity.
Somewhere in one of the stories, Jenny brought up certain nights in the 10th grade that featured multiple hook-ups and the various labor of generous hands (and no, she's not exaggerating the idea of 'multiple,' I know from first hand experience). When she said this, I looked over at Ronnie and saw him gulp and try to casually disguise his obvious discomfort. The rest of the evening went swimmingly without any more drunken slip ups, but Ronnie later told me about how much the idea bothered him.
He told me how he knows that Jenny is a changed person and how the follies of youth shouldn't be meditated upon while driving forward in a fresh relationship. Ronnie's pretty new to the whole girlfriend game, and he's having trouble getting over this issue. Jenny says that life is what it is, not what it was. Suzanna tells me that Jenny is nervous that Ronnie can be a bit jealous and controlling at times. He's telling me that he's having trouble considering the future with her. Ronnie doesn't trust Jenny and he thinks she's likely to cheat on him in the future, and now Ronnie is coming to me for some advice and I don't know what to tell him.
Is it okay for Ronnie to speculate on the future based upon Jenny's promiscuous past? or should he write off the past as juvenile immaturity and move on?
Comments (127)
People change..it's unfair to base your opinion of a person entirely on what he/she used to be. In this case, particularly, the girl was in 10th grade when all of that stuff happened.
I think it's difficult to look pass someones sexual history, especially when it was colorful. It's not easy to just "get over it". I think he should find another girl thats had around the same amount of partners/experience he has. True,life is what it is and not what it was, but if someone told you "hey I was a child molester but I'm not anymore", doesn't it still bother you? Just a tad? It takes a certain person to look past all that.
Juvenile immaturity. That's stupid to get scared about that sort of thing, anyway. You can't fix the past, so why get all up in arms about it?
a lot of people are promiscuous in their teen years. maybe jenny has grown up, i think he should give her a chance.
If he's been dating the girl for a year and she hasn't cheated on him, I don't think she's likely to in the future. Besides, a lot can happen from your sophomore year in high school to your senior year in college. While that type of stuff is cool and okay in high school, it's more and more frowned upon as you get older.
If he had no reason to distrust her before, he shouldn't have one now.I don't see how her sexual history is "slutty" (God, I hate that word) and I don't see how it should matter either way. If she's willing to commit and be in a relationship with this guy, they should both do their best to focus on the here and now with their relationship. Unless, he wants her to dig up his sexual history or something and call it even.
Past is in the past. Of course some people never truly grow up, but for the most part I don't think it's fair to hold something that happened in the past against someone.
I hate it when people throw my past in my face. I think that everyone has done something that they "regret" when they were younger, so why act self righteous and act like you are above someone else just because their past was different from yours?
Ronnie should stop being such a prude by dwelling on the past. Also, I think that Jenny should watch herself a little better. If she knows that specific topics bother him, then just don't talk about it, use some self control.
I have a "colorful" past myself, and I know that there are just certain things that I don't talk about with my husband, but at the same time he never holds that stuff against me. We're adults now.
I think he should wait until she does something to make his concerns legitimate. I'm certainly not saying that he should go scouting for slip-ups or that he should wait for her to make a mistake. He should not judge her based on her actions in the past.
people do change, but remember that the past is prologue to the present. her past is who she is, but that being said her past is what brought her to being with him, and the future for the two of them hinges on what they do from this point.
I guess what I'm saying is its fair to know her past, and its fair to be upset by it by its really up to him where everything goes from this pointIt's not that big of a deal. She was in 10th grade for christ sakes.
Wow that's so selfish...he's taking her past experiences and making it about him when it has nothing to do with their current relationship. He needs to either get over it or break up with her so she can find someone who actually cares about her and won't judge her for her past experiences. Honestly what does he want, for her to go back in time and change what happened?? There's nothing to be done about it now and him harping on about the past is really immature and selfish. And to be worried about her cheating when they've been dating for a year? He should do her a favour and break up with her, she doesn't deserve him distrusting her for no reason. Guys need to chill the fuck out, they expect us to be good in bed and experienced or we get made fun of, but we also have to be pure and virginal...such bullshit. She had a life before him....imagine that!! Calling his own girlfriend a slut really shows a lot about his character, too..so disrespectful.
Some people change, some people don't. But if he keeps holding the past over her head especially if she really did change, then it could backfire on him. He should have more faith in her. If it really bothers him, he should at least talk it out with her so she can understand how he feels and maybe help work on something together to help him feel better. Communication!
@Coke0@xanga - I totally agree with that...... You can't go back and fix your mistakes... and the past is NOT who you are by any means... it's who you once were, and maybe you grew into a better person from your past mistakes.
@LauraG0929@xanga - I agree with you.
Everyone has regrets. If she isn't throwing his mistakes in his face, he has no right to do the same to her. :/
I do think that she shouldn't talk about it though.. That would make anyone uncomfortable.
maybe he shouldn't label her a (former) "slut."
Everyone has done something in their past they wish they could take back, I think it's better to look at the person they are now rather than who they used to be. But if Jenny had killed someone that would be a different story...
sadly enough, i'm dealing with the same thing with my SO. i did some things in my past i'm not proud of, and he throws it in my face whenever he gets upset with me about other things. reading some of these other comments helped me out as well :)
I am sitting in class right now so I didn't read all the comments, so I don't know what everyone else is saying. But the past is in the past for a reason. If you bring it up and hold it against someone, then it will more than likely destroy your current relationship. If he can't get over Jenny's past, then he should probably go ahead and break things off before they get more serious. He will only hurt her and things will end very badly. It's not easy to forget something like that, but he has to trust his girlfriend. Sincerely, happiness comes after trust. If he can't trust his girlfriend he's going to be miserable in a relationship with her. If he thinks he can get over it then remind him that it will take work, but it is possible.
People do change so give the poor girl a chance.
People make mistakes. As long as they learn from them and chose not to repeat them why hold it against them?
what happens in the past, stays in the past.
if he's really insecure about it, maybe he's just not ready for a relationship. i'm not afraid to admit that i used to do stupid things back in the past, but that's the past, what's important is what i'm now.
@LauraG0929@xanga - "Ronnie should stop being such a prude"? yikes! i hardly think that's fair! what if the sexes were reversed?
i think Ronnie's might be a legitimate concern. is she really a "changed person" if she still talks about her past transgressions like they were a joke? if it really bothers him, and he thinks she's changed but she doesn't feel bad about her past...maybe she hasn't changed after all. at best, she shows him little respect if she says all these things under the guise of fond reminiscence. ouch. that would really hurt me, too
and i, for one, think the theory that more promiscuous people are more likely to cheat is valid, though i have no personal proof of this. it concerns me, too
@JennyGee@xanga - What if the sexes where reversed? The sexes ARE reversed most of the time. Guys hardly ever take any heat for doing the exact same things as "Jenny" here. Only if a girl does it, then she's automatically labeled as a slut, a whore, or someone with no self respect. Isn't that a little sexist?
People grow up and change, to hold anything like that against them is ridiculous.
it was high school, i mean what she did is kind of slutty but that was than this is now. He should just try trusting her until she actually gives him a reason to speculate.
ronnie sounds insecure