I've had 3 major, relatively long term ( 1 or 2 years) relationships in my life.
I've long realized that they all started out of convenience for the guy, and also a bit for me as well. It wasn't love at first sight, it wasn't 'wow she's hot I want to date her', it wasn't 'oh my god she has an amazing personality, she's so interesting'. Let me illustrate with concrete examples
I had my first boyfriend in high school. I admit, the real reason I started going out with him was because I wanted to fit in with my friends. They all had a boyfriend, and I felt left out, listening to them gossip and gush about it at lunchtime daily. So it was my first boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend. He actually didn't care much either. He was dating me for the same primary reason I had started dating him. But we eventually started liking each other more and more after spending time together, and I began to feel strongly for him.
My second relationship started when I was heartbroken from breaking up with guy number 1. I wanted to forget him, so I started dating guy number 2. He, on the other hand, had also got out of a serious relationship and wanted to forget his ex. Eventually we did grow attached to each other, evidenced by the growing signs of affection from him.
My third relationship; well, it started because I was bored. A year after breaking up with guy number 2. Guy number 3 was also extremely bored and hadn't been in a relationship for more than a year. That's how that one started. Out of boredom.
And then he had to move away and we kept in touch for about a year before calling it quits.
So, looking back, my relationships started either because
1) He wanted a girlfriend to show off
2) He wanted to forget someone
3) He was bored.
Well to be honest, I'm not that bothered. Physically, I'm not at all a looker, and I definitely don't have an amazing personality to make up for it. I'm a quiet, nerdy kind of girl. Neither my physique nor my personality would attract someone at first sight. Most of these guys developed feelings for me because we spent a lot of time together, but they had to dig deeper than first appearances; and what prompted them to dig deeper are one of the three reasons above.
I think that as long as someone meets your basic physical standards and isn't a douche, spending a lot of time with that person will make you develop feelings for him/her.
So, I'd like your opinion on this. Does it matter if a relationship started out of convenience, if it indeed went on to become a serious one?
Comments (38)
Honestly, that's kind of how my relationship started. I mean, it wasn't one of those three reasons, but my current boyfriend and I got to know each other because we were both sort of avoiding other people. We became best friends first and then not long afterward, we dated. It doesn't matter how it started as long as the end result is real. Who cares how you met or how you came to be, as long as he treats you well and he really cares about you for who you are? I don't see anything wrong with it.
Unless there was a money offer involved and/or a deficit of free will, how a relationship started doesn't really matter (in my opinion.)
What matters most is probably that two people are both on the same page about the relationship.
It is an answer and it is not my place to judge. Although, it is definately not sexy.
Honestly, you just never know.
My ex, which was my official first bf , started off as major attraction and last a year and a half( I broke off because he was annoying,clingy, and I fell out of love with him. -idk)
The current started off AMAZING - a lot of attraction also -though I didn't want a bf and had iffy feelings about him for the first 2 months- and things did a complete 360 and now we're at a year and a half and we both know we want to go all the way.
It can start off any way, and become more or less,you just truly never know.
There's nothing wrong with how a relationship begins but both of your intentions for the relationship should be addressed before getting into a relationship with one another. Do I see this relationship going anywhere? Is this just temporary? Are you really attracted to me or am I just wasting my time? Personally, I don't bother with guys who just want to use me as a rebound or because he's bored (I'd like to think I'm much better than that) and because he wants to show me off to his ex. I want a guy who is interested in getting to know me and to hopefully build a relationship that could eventually lead to something more.
I think you grow to like and have affection for just about anyone...
However, I think you must search hard to find the person you can actually fall in love with.
If it doesn't matter to you, then perhaps it doesn't matter. To me, I take them more seriously so I would question whether or not he was a douche based purely off the fact he would use some girl just to have a gf to show off, for e.g.
And give yourself more credit! I go for quirky, nerdy guys--some guys like quiet and nerdy girls, just the same. Opposites balance each other out. :)
It doesn't really matter how it starts as long as it doesn't bother you or him how it started. For example, if it was an illicit affair that turned into something real. Obviously you wouldn't want to advertise that around because it might be shameful or humiliating. But if you honestly don't care what people think, then what does it matter?
Sometimes being attractive is a downfall in terms of dating, if you want long-lasting relationships. My last relationship started basically because we were physically attracted to each other. It also ended because we were just..physically attracted to each other.
Kind of blows because I just wasted three months figuring out that there was nothing besides lust in that relationship, but I'm not complaining that some guys think I'm hot.
hmm, i actually talked about this a bit with my ex when we met for post-break-up debrief over coffee. we were terrible for each other, but i had dragged it out and pushed him into trying harder anyway. i told him i felt like we had both made so many mistakes and that we could have made it work; he said, "Well, couldn't anyone MAKE it work?" I took his meaning, which was basically that just because you can slog through being a couple doesn't mean it's a good relationship. He had a good point, and so do you: if two people spend time together and put energy into making something work, they can succeed.
however, i think this only really works for mediocre relationships. i sort of meandered into most of my relationships in the past, and for the most part they've been, y'know, pretty ok. however, with my current guy, we were both crazy about each other from the get-go; he said he'd had some decent dates, but never before thought "i want another, i want another!" right after- he actually skipped away after our first kiss! so in my personal experience, really strong relationships tend to have stronger starts.
No, I don't think so. Especially if it transcends into something more serious. It doesn't make the relationship less special.
Well, by SO and I were friends for a very long time before we got together, and for a while I thought that I was his "rebound" girl after a nasty breakup with his first girlfriend. But then, through all the little things he did, how he paid so much attention to all the nuances of who I was, I knew that wasn't the case.
Also, on a humorous note, I met him when he was dressed up in a gorilla costume and running around campus. It's amazing how things work out.
Well I can see no reason that it'd have to matter to yourself.
Me? About four months after it starts, I get all reflective and ponder-y...and it's sortof bad to have alot to ponder about my relationships...because usually that means it's not meant to be at all. But that's me. How it began is a curiosity, one of many tidbits that I reflect upon later. Alone, it doesn't mean anything really...but combined with other things -- maybe it does. >_>
Honestly, I ask the same thing. I date this guy before I got into a long term relationship with my now bf. I thought my bf would never be attracted to me so I just went on and dated the other guy. Sometimes I feel he only went out with me to try to save me from that other guy ( he was much older than me at that time)...dunno if my bf saw me and him lasting but he went ahead anyway and dated me =/ i started dating him after 3 days I broke up with the other guy I mean I had the biggest crush on my bf for the longest time I just couldnt let it pass
@InTheThin@xanga - you make a good point, I dont think being good looking is always an asset to someone looking for a long term relationship, although it does help.
To the OP, beauty and personality is only attractive in the eye of the beholder. One person may not think you're pretty while another may. One person may not understand your sense of humor, another may. So I dont think it's so black and white. Also, I'm pretty sure the way arranged marriages work is because the couple starts to understand each other, and appreciate each other for who they are. I guess relationships dont always have to start off passionate.
@l0veBabyx@xanga - I agree. More or less, definitely.
You never really know what could happen when entering a relationship. You could be so into them one minute, and then heading for the nearest exit the next. I think not knowing what could happen is one of the things that makes a new relationship exciting and keeps me interested. I am a fan of surprises...@kaybrah@xanga - agreed also =)
Don't all relationships start because of convenience?
Finding a guy is looking for tomatoes at a grocery store. You see one that is close to you, and if you're happy with that one, then you take it. Obviously, there will be better tomatoes in the stack at the grocery store, but is it really worth the hours and hours of digging through to find? And even if you do finally find it, will it be that much better?
I'm not entirely sure. I think for the most part, no, it doesn't.
But I guess I might be bitter because my most recent ex started dating me only to get rid of the girl he was with, and once we got together he was only using me as a fuck toy until he could toss me aside for someone better (his words exactly).
I found out the first part while we were dating and the other part a few nights ago. I guess for me the reason it mattered so much still (when we were dating) because I still doubted his sincerity in the relationship--I was dead on, in fact, but I was too scared to fully admit it and move on.
But I do think in a good relationship, a healthy one, it doesn't matter so much especially if you two have grown to really care for each other. It's about now, not then.
I am always friends with the guys I date, because I am not much of a looker, and my personality doesn't wow men quickly. I just become their best friends and then BOOM! They like "Heyy she got a nice chest..." lmao.
Sadly enough my relationships even tho being friends first really never lasted that long.
but the current boyfriend in my life. I met him randomly through a friend and we just dated for two weeks became girlfriend and boyfriend and fell in love. Have been with him for two years now going on three. <3
I just think people who slept together before knowing each other (as in...know that person, get to learn their personality etc)- is problematic, SO i guess- your reasons are quite normal especially when people are young
it shouldn't matter who it got started, it only matters why you want to be with that person.
So pretty much you've dated people with absolutely no real basis other than to hide your lack of self esteem.
@oO_Grace_Oo@xanga - It depends. Considering the level of maturity that is. If both parties are mature enough to know the difference between libidinous desires and romantic relationships they'll know how to keep the two separate.
Not all sexual encounters are one night stands or fuck buddy situations, think outside the box.
I'm not sure.
But I wouldn't feel comfortable having a relationship out of convenience. And I definitely wouldn't tell anyone if that's how it was.