The other week, by boyfriend and I were at Target to pick up some supplies and to get off the college campus for a while. As we rounded one corner with our cart, we came into what might be the most frightening department of a store for a man: the Valentine's Day seasonal display. Pink, red, and white abounded. Even I, who can be a bit of a romantic, was slightly sickened by the sheer overload of items for February 14th.
Now my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 months now, though we act like we've been dating much longer because we've been close friends for over a year. I'd been wondering, then, how we would approach our first Valentine's Day together: exchange funny cards? go out to eat? gifts? GIFTS? Were we supposed to buy stuffed animals holding chocolate hearts? I mean, it's not really our style, but when my birthday rolled around, he gave me a card and a gift. At Christmas, we exchanged cards and funny yet useful gifts. Thus, gifts have been the general rule, right? Should this apply to Valentine's Day as well, sappy as it is?
As we pushed the cart quickly past the hundreds of stuffed bears staring at us with beady eyes, he answered this question for me.
"Hey, can we maybe to a...no-gift Valentine's Day?"
How does one interpret this from your guy? I mean, we're busy people, and because we're mostly stuck on campus (Target itself is quite an outing), getting a gift becomes a real ordeal. So I understood, but being a girl it's natural to overanalyze this. This is my first Valentine's Day in a relationship--I deserve to give and receive presents, right? But I didn't protest. "Sure," I said, "we don't need that kind of thing."
He looked surprised by this answer, telling me he thought I'd get up and arms with him in order to gain the right to exchange gifts. Surprised, but also relieved.
His look of relief reminded me of something about this very overblown holiday: it puts too much pressure on people, both those who are single and in relationships. My previous Valentine's days were only sorry reminders of how much I wanted a relationship but couldn't find the right guy. Other people would be exchanging gifts and I didn't have a pleasure of being included because it was a couples-only affair. Then, after getting into a relationship, I realized that though my man and I are so incredibly close, though we are each other's best friends, he still gets nervous about trying to pick out things that I'll like (even though he knows I love anything he gets me, I'm a thoughts-that-count kind of gal). Valentine's day carries a stigma that overrides what we know about each other, creates expectations that put relationships on the line rather than making people feel good while they're in one.
So what should we do with this holiday? Ignore it--maybe--many do. But Valentine's day doesn't have to be about romance, pink stuffed animals, jewelry, or expensive boxes of chocolate. It doesn't have to be about couples, even. Though my SO and I are not exchanging gifts, I don't feel cheated out of anything. This year, I will buy all my friends (both single and not-single) a little quirky card to stick in their mailboxes, just to let them know that they're loved and appreciated. I won't gripe about not getting a gift from my SO, and rather tell him as we're laying next to each other that this the best gift of all--the gift of time, of closesness, of not needing the retail world to show each other affection. I'll bake him some cookies, he'll play some violin for me, and maybe we'll watch an action movie (NOT a romantic comedy) to top it off. Because convention shouldn't dictate how we operate, not even on February the 14th.
Comments (40)
Yesterday I asked my bf if we could not exchange gifts this year for V-day as well. We're both broke, Christmas wasn't that long ago and our anniversary is close. So why not keep the gift giving to actually meaningful occasions?
Hmm as a first relationship V-day sitch, I get why you're asking and wondering but you did handle it well. As long as you're not going to be bitter about it later and hold it over his head. Like you said, it doesn't have to be about gifts since you're both in school (money probs maybe?) you can just do something sweet for each other. I once did laundry and made dinner as a V-day gift and that guy thought he died and went to heaven. To each their own...
A nice home cooked meal always seemed to be the best way to deal with the holiday. Avoid the crowds and the craziness of the holiday, and still do something sweet for each other. :)
I think that valentines day sounds nice. Personally, this year I am
buying my bf a gift and he is buying me one. We agreed on nothing too
expensive though and I am going to bake him cookies. I am not sure if
we are going out to eat or anything, but I know that we will be
spending the whole weekend together & renting a movie.
I feel like couples should use every day to show each other how much they care about one another... not just Valentine's. I give my boyfriend nice little gifts often... I usually stop at the grocery store before I come over and grab something for him because I know he doesn't have a lot of money for food. college and all that.
I feel like that's much more meaningful than some materialistic gift on one day of the year...
I asked my boyfriend to not feel pressured to get me anything thing for V-day because we both agree it's overrated. But he still insists on getting me something. He's too sweet. <3
love always in our grasp even though death is always waiting
"Because convention shouldn't dictate how we operate, not even on February the 14th."
I agree.
Romance should be spontaneous, not pre-determined by a calendar date.
well put. :]
i would do little things, like eat cupcakes and roll in the grass or something.
I asked my boyfriend not to do gifts either, i think it's a dumb holiday, and our 1 year is 2 week laters, so i'd rather just celebrate that.
convention is arbitrary. romcoms are cool. :3
I think your boyfriend is smart in this scenario. It seems frivolous and a waste of time to go out and buy your SO a teddy bear or something that will hardly come of use to him or her. If you don't want to do the gifts-exchange this year, cooking/baking him something is good to consider.
@Utoppia - hello sweet heart you caught my heart with a match book, i haven't checked you out i'm not in a rush just a snatch look. say hello like i do on the street when we meet in the middle of the night i'm a kite not a beach, stop by my apartment and youll learn how to sing, cause i am divinely inspiring
I give random gifts to my boyfriend at the most random times. We both don't celebrate Valentine's day just because we find it so superficial.
Last year I told him not to get me anything, he got me a funny card with where he wrote the cutest message. We have celebrated it in previous years with the whole teddy bear flower thing, and last year i realized i didn't care for all that.
this year he just asked me what i wanted and i told him nothing cause i thought we were gonna cease buying presents on this holiday forever. I feel like this holiday is for retail stores, high school kids who want to feel special and make others feel like a loser, and people who feel the need to waste their money on each other to feel good. that's honestly how i feel, after going to college last year and not feeling the pressure of high school and having something to walk around with on that day to show that someone liked me, i stopped caring for the holiday. well no... for spending money on material stuff, last year we gave each other massages and had great ...
we buy gifts on only birthdays since i don't celebrate christmas.
I always said that if your SO needs to wait for a holiday to give you a gift, then you should probably find another SO. I personally don't believe in valentine's day, and don't understand why anyone should. I think it's probably a lot like Christmas. The idea started out great and the concept was beautiful but consumerism and pressure has turned it into a material holiday. (I love Christmas though, don't misinterpret that please.)
My boyfriend and I aren't exchanging gifts for valentine's day this year and it's also our first valentine's day. I think you put it very well - "...the gift of time, of closesness, of not needing the retail world to show each other affection." Those are all more important to someone than a stuffed teddy bear or a hallmark card, although occasionally those things can be nice.
Ideally, we'd all love giftless pacts, but realistically, that can't happen. People are too obsessed with "keeping up with the Joneses" and all it takes is one couple to give an awesome gift to ruin it for the rset of us. If we're going to kill Valentines Day, we have to kill it all together.
Valentine's Day last year fell the day after our 6 month anniversary, so... We bought presents and celebrated for that, not V-Day (2 days in a row is a little excessive, no?)
However, my boyfriend suprised me by coming over after work with a stuffed bear he had bought off a coworker. It really was the thought that counted. :)
I dunno what's happening this year, except my boyfriend's probably going to be working again... So no real big celebrating.
sure, sometimes gifts are the best surprises, but v-day isn't all about giving gifts. it's about showing your love and spending time with the one you love. a card probably isn't necessary, but it might help trigger one's memory, whether that's the time you spent, first kiss, etc.
My boyfriend and I decided on no gifts (I suggested that; I said we should spend our money on something fun together instead) but we had our Valentine's day a couple days ago (I'm away at college) and he surprised me with not only an elaborate trip involving a bunch of fun and quirky destinations but a teddy bear and a few other things as well:) I love the kid, he likes to spoil me ^-^
valentines days isn't exclusive to couples!!! how selfish is that, remember when we were kids and we handed out gifts to everyone i never forgot that and i still do it, becasue everyone deserves a little love. When you're in a relationship i would think that you have anniversaries, Hanukkah, Christmas and birthdays to give each other gifts and show love, i really genuinely thought that valentines day was for the people who weren't already loved to find love out there.
I wish my boyfrend would agree to not give me anything. I really prefer just spending time together. We're planning on going to the aquarium and making dinner for each other. I'm perfectly content with that.
I really kind of wanted something for Valentine's day, but I'm not picky, I'll take anything. A love letter would suffice. My boyfriend has no money whatsoever, due to him being in college and not having a job. So I completely understand if he doesn't get me anything. I'm still kind of sad though, I really wish he'd just do something. It doesn't even have to cost money, he could, like I said, write me a letter, or draw me a picture, or pick some wild flowers. Obviously, I'm desperate for any freaking romantic gesture. He doesn't even have to waste paper on a letter, he could email me or just tell me that he's thinking about me. Anything.
I miss the days when Valentine's Day wasn't about people whining about whether or not they got gifts from their SO, nor about people complaining about how they're single and everyone around them are in a relationship, but when people were thrilled to get little cards that had a little cartoon on it and even more thrilled when a box of Sweethearts was attached to the card.
Holy crap, it's like I wrote this post.
I'm just makin him a sammich. :D