Just now, I heard my parents argue for about ten minutes straight. It wasn't even just arguing; they were screaming at each other and throwing back one insult after another. It was pretty brutal, as they both went as far as insulting each others' families and bringing up things that I've never heard them speak of. My mom went as far as bringing up my dad's previous marriage and his other daughter, whom my dad has always blatantly refused to speak about. My dad once again told my mom that she's always starting stuff in the house and that she's the reason for all of the discontent. It's sort of different and harsher in my language, but even by translating, I'm sure you get the jist of it.
My parents haven't had one of these horrible fights in a while, and when they do, it really scares me. My mom even came to my brother and me and asked us who we would go with if they were to divorce.
We both plainly told her to leave us out of this, and she got offended by it. My brother just told her that the both of them are just hot-headed right now, and that they'll eventually cool off.
(Disclaimer: The rest of what I say is just my opinion. For all I know, I could be absolutely wrong.)
When he said that, I started thinking about the divorce rate nowadays: 50% of all couples get divorced. And I'm pretty sure that more often than not, what happens is that people make bad decisions when they're hot-headed. The decision isn't necessarily divorce, but maybe things you do while you're not thinking straight lead to even more problems; these could be the problems from which couples never recover and thus end up getting a divorce. I suppose that divorce is more rare in arranged marriages, as the marriage was a choice on part of the families and it would me more complicated to get divorced.
I don't remember who or where I learned this from, but I learned a few years ago that the reason that couples who were once so in love get divorced is because they forget how much they love each other. I can't exactly say this about my parents, for several reasons. But I do know that they have grown to care for each other after 21 years of marriage. And even if they're not going to get a divorce, it's not because they don't want to, it's more that they can't because of their kids and because of the fact that they've been married for so long. I will still constantly hear my mom tell us about how much she hates her married life and how unhappy she is. They've never had a constantly happy relationship, and fighting only makes it worse.
I guess I'm worried that I can't even ensure about my own future marriage that it'll work out and that my husband and I won't end up getting divorced. People always do things which they normally wouldn't do when they're in the heat of some moment. I read
this ridiculously cute post on Datingish yesterday, which does indeed calm my fear a little bit. Although, seeing the divorce rates and considering the fact that no two people will fall in and out of love at the same time, I still wonder how likely it is nowadays that a marriage will last. And if it does last, I wonder how likely it is that the love lasts.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge romantic and do believe in love lasting forever, but seeing statistics and situations scares me.
Would you agree that people often divorce and break up because they simply forget how much they love each other and let the heat of the moment get to them? How do you think you would go about ensuring that your marriage lasts? If you already are in a marriage or long-term relationship, have you had scary conflicts in which you really though it was over? How did you deal with them?
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Comments (33)
The divorce is rate is so high because so many people are rushing into marriages. I don't really think it has any thing to do with forgetting one's love for another.
i think people get divorced cuz they choose the wrong person. people put up fronts and are deceived and as ^^^ said, people rush into marriages without really knowing the person.
i think the main problem is that people dont put enough importance in marriage-- the who prenup and everything. they think of it as a legal matter and a convenience, whil it should be a binding contractIn my experience, the main reasons (though I don't know that many cases) that people get divorced are 1) they didn't know each other well enough in the beginning and turned out to have married someone they aren't even compatible with, 2) they got married while still in the "infatuation" phase and didn't get to mature first, and 3) someone makes a horrible mistake, hurting their spouse forever (i.e. cheating, abuse). I think that forgetting how much you love each other is easily fixed. It would have to be a bigger problem than that.
@MiaJoyTheWriter@xanga - I see what you're saying. hm, but would you agree that for number 3, when someone permanently hurts their spouse by cheating on them or something of the sort, it could be because they forget that they love them? or would you personally say that they just stopped loving them?
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - Hm... that's a good question. I would say they stopped loving them. Whether they know it or not, if they love someone at all, they're not going to do something like that.
@MiaJoyTheWriter@xanga - you make a good point. that has to be a matter of truth versus character.
as a christian, I would never go through with something like that. has it happened to me? I still think so. have I been scarred as badly as anyone after a bad relationship? yes, moreso than you'd think.
I don't let the past affect what the future could hold. As humans, we are constantly surprising one another with how we learn, and how we never fully unlearn certain lessons. predicting what could happen doesn't make it into what will happen. It's all just progress until then.
@anonymous - this sounds alot like the lesson behind plato's "allegory in a cave". if a creature is born and spends his entire life living in a cave, interpreting shadows and living in squalor, and then leaves the cave to enter and enjoy the excesses of the modern world, he will not willingly return to living in the cave.
i think people break up, not because they forgot how much they love each other, but because they give up trying to love each other in the way that they feel is right.
Stats mean nothing if you're in the right relationship. I don't pay attention to stats because I know MY relationship is solid, and heck, we've been married for almost 6 years now. All relationships take work - it's about finding time for each other, having date nights, learning that you need to CONTINUE to appreciate and "date" your spouse.
@anonymous - I really like your mindset/outlook on things. I hope to think like that some day (:
@ibej - ooh, that sounds interesting. hahaha and I also wonder how you got your name to be ibej.. is it a part of the anonymous thing?
@nyclegodesi24@xanga - what do you mean?
@Morningstarrising@xanga - awwww, that's really comforting. and I'm very harppy for you :D
I think it's less of forgetting you love each other and more of changing who you are. In the 20+ years that you parents have been married, think of how their personalities have changes. You can become a completely different person over time, and sometimes, it's not easy for your significant other to adapt. Having children, changing careers, or even learning more about life could alter someone in even the slightest of ways. They could have just lost that element of themselves that the other fell in love with.
@x__mh@xanga - i totally agree!
@mewithoutu77@xanga - me too
@TheRealMelanie@xanga - I agree! I really like the way you said that.
I think the divorce rate is so high because people are so disillusioned about marriage. They expect it to be happy, but a lot of times, it's not. Then people get divorced when their spouse just doesn't make them feel in love. The original covenant has been devalued.
@x__mh@xanga - i agree with you 100%
@TheRealMelanie@xanga - I agree on this point. My parents have been married for 31 years this month and just from when I was a kid to this point in time, a span of 21 years, I've seen a huge shift in their personalities. They often seem like different people from the way they were when my siblings and I were growing up.
But, I also agree that a lot of people are rushing into marriage thinking it'll fix some problem but it creates more, expensive, problems if it's not the right person. People "fall in love" so easily now, they become infatuated with a person and think they're the one they're going to be with forever and rush into things.
My husband and I have been married over a decade, together for much longer.  We waited years before getting married.  I was in no rush, really.  I guess that was because I never believed I'd be one of the "lucky ones," considering Im a product of divorced parents and for along time was a fly-by dater, meaning the longest "relationship" I had prior to my husband lasted a month, if you can even call it a relationship. HA.
For the most part, our marriage has been solid. Â However, there was one point where I did question whether we would make it. Â It was after our daughter was born and we had been married for a couple years then - over 10 years ago - and I seriously thought I had married the wrong man. Â This was all in my head, though - sleep deprivation will do that to anyone. Â I'm fortunate that I was able to get past that (sleeping more helped. HAHA) because I honestly cannot believe I had those thoughts. Â
Marriage is hard work - it takes communication and patience, but the benefits definitely outweigh the negatives. Â I guess I should say relationships, not so much marriage. Â Problem is, I think too many people are caught up with the idea of being married; they focus on the wedding and all that other superfluous stuff....
And I totally agree with tykazowsky! Â Too many people rush into marriage...
My parents have talked about divorce so many times >_> however, its more easier for them to live together, not to mention my mom doesn't have a job to support herself. I've never heard them say I love you to each other.. in my entire life. Their fights are terrible as well :(
It gets harder and harder over the years, once the dating stage ends, to keep a marriage alive. You fall into your routines and into a life together and all the pressures keep building and the responsibilities slowly pull you apart. Being married is work, and some people don't feel like it's worth working for. It's up to the couple to remember that they were married for a reason, and they once loved each other enough to join their souls - but everyday life can get in the way. I think you're right, sometimes, people forget just how much they loved each other and over the years, they allow things to come between them that they could have kept from happening by spending some time on their marriage. It happens to everyone, but it doesn't have to.
Most people don't need a new spouse...they need a new marriage. In a marriage, it doesn't take each person giving 50% to make it a 100% good marraige, nor does 100% and 50% work out.... you need 100% and 100% to make a 100% marriage! One must ask themself what their priorities are. If one is "facing" the marraige and willing to work on things, while the other has his/her back turned to it, it doesn't work.
@tykazowsky@xanga - ditto. people just don't take it seriously enough, or "settle" out of a fear of being alone. it's sad
i think relationships where both people start out genuinely happy with each other have a much higher chance of surviving, but it can be hard to tell how both people really feel.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - well, people have different ideas of love, and sometimes my understanding of how to love someone might actually come off to that person as being selfish.
The fact that you're thinking about it and value love and marriage is, I think, a good sign that you're on the right track. Obviously you can't know the future, and what things will always be like. But if you meet someone who you can truly commit to, and if both people have the will to make things work, I have no doubt that they can (and will.)
I agree that a lot of divorces occur because people rush into things. My parents are divorced, and they always say it's because they didn't know each other long enough and were too young (they were 22 and 23.) However, they also didn't get divorced because of a loss of temper, or because of one fight...it was a lot of things, and I have no doubt it took a lot to come to the decision.
The best you can do is try to do right by your own values and opinions, and find someone who shares those ideas.
In the title picture , it looks like the parents are fighting over their boy because he wet his pants - Im hoping maybe its just the way the shadows are cast .