Saturday, 06 February 2010
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Advice: Teaching Your SO a Lesson
So, my boyfriend is teaching me a lesson by not talking to me as much and giving me the cold shoulder after I dumped him over impulsive reaction. The next day after the stupid action, I went over to his house and brought him his favorite food, sincerely feeling sorry and he said that he will not forgive me now because I will keep doing it again.
My SO has been in a on and off 5 year relationship before and he sounded like he is teaching me for the bettering of our relationship. I told him that "I'm sorry and it will not happen again" and he said, "I've heard that before." And then said, "I will not forgive you right now, for what, so you could do it again."
It feels like it's a good thing, but at the same time it's not because I was truly sorry and will never do it again because I have been through that as well and I knew I was wrong. It feels like he doesn't trust me because of his past experience. The good thing about it is that he is doing it for the sake of having a healthy relationship but what if I'm just getting hurt from the way he is acting, and I just want to stop kissing his butt?
I realized I truly love him and do not want to lose him and I pretty much know he loves me as much as I do but the whole lesson thing is almost killing me.
Any help?
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Comments (45)
I think it's a bit ridiculous to play "mommy and daddy" to your SO. If you don't like something about them, talk about it. Don't try to punish them, that's silly.
You're both dumb, IMO.
From what you've quoted, it sounds like he needs his space, not so much a case of "teaching you a lesson".
From what you've said in response, you're delusional.
Give him space. When he feels he's ready to start again, he'll come back to you.
If anyone tried to teach me a lesson, I'd teach them right back.
Hmm... Dump him for good.
i think you two should actually talk and work out your problems. this "teaching a lesson" crap sounds so immature.
Sorry, but this all sounds very juvenile to me. Teaching lessons?? How about a mature conversation...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
he sounds like a douche. and you both need to grow up a little..
Wow. How juvenile. On both your parts. Don't break up with someone if you don't mean it. And talk to him about this shit he's pulling. Get mad if you need to. Chew him out, because he's treating you like a bad puppy. You, my dear, are involved in a power struggle that shouldn't be happening, but which you started by breaking up with him and undermining his value to you. He's trying to get it back--to feel like he's valuable to you--by putting you in your place. And you just don't do that with your SO. You talk, you discuss, but you don't "teach them a lesson." That's bullshit.
Talk to him. None of us can help you out of this mess you created.
-Katie
He should be willing to talk it out. I think he still has some recovering to do from the past hurts before he can truly have a right relationship. You're both in the wrong; you shouldn't have done whatever you did it sounds like, and he should grow up and handle it in a more mature fashion, to be honest. Sure, letting things fall for a little while may be right now and again, but this sounds like a situation you guys need to talk through. Sit him down, whether he wants to or not, and have a talk. Let EACH of you share your side of the story. Assure him that, if given a second chance, you'll prove you can be better than the last and do your best to never hurt him in such a way again. Ask him to help you through that. You know? Then leave the ball in his court. Give him some time to decide and let the decision he'll be making sink in. If he loves you, he'll receive you back. If he can't love you forever or as long as you want, then he has the freedom to let you go for now.
Sound good? :) I think it's worth trying.
<3, ~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
It doesn't sound like either of you should be in a relationship, to be honest. You both should take a step back and focus on bettering yourselves. I'm sure that you DO love each other but as you've found out it takes more than love to make a relationship valid.
You're both being immature. Grow up and talk like adults. If you can't do that, break up, because you're not ready for a real relationship.
You are in a romantic relationship with a partner, not a parent-child relationship. He does not need to teach you anything, it seems to me that he's the one that needs to do some learning. You guys are supposed to grow together and if he can't get over a previous heartbreak, that gives him no right to try to "punish" you for being upset with him. You are your own person, stopping kissing his butt and tell him to get over himself. If you actually went through the trouble of making his favorite food, going to his house and taking this punishment BS without being forgiven, you should know that there are plenty of other guys out there who are more mature than him. Watch out, or the next thing you know, you'll be his doormat.
The lesson he's teaching you sounds like something your parents should've done. If you guys can't communicate effectively then end the relationship. Communication is the key to a successful relationship and so it seems you guys can't do that.
I think that you all are selfish and immature. Relationships are about communication and give and take, not teaching each other lessons like you teach your kids. Geez. If you all continue in a relationship like that, you will likely never last the test of time. Because if this is how you all react when something relatively minor crops up (I'm not sure what the disagreement was, but I'm going to assume it was semi-minor), what are you going to do when something major comes up, like one of your parents passes away? One of you gets really sick? You financially hit rock bottom? I'm not saying that any of those things would necessarily happen, but you need to be prepared to talk like ADULTS about those things.
I think he is insecure despite your 5 years together, so when you impulsively dumped him, it hurt his manly ego, so he is acting like a macho man by teaching you a lesson. I think he fears losing you more than you fear losing him. his approach of giving you the cold shoulder is like immature kids who say, "talk to the hand!" when you try to talk to them and apologize. in order to deal with immature people, you have to think like them lol so ignore him and don't talk to him again, let him wonder about you and miss you, then wait for him to initiate the conversation again but don't say sorry again. let him say it.
I think you all are retarded. The blogger, and some of these comments too.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Your comment was ESPECIALLY retarded. What ever happened to not saying things you don't mean? If a person is going to talk out of their ass, why get mad when no one takes you seriously? Principle, hunnycakes. Screw that "I make mistakes and you have to forgive me, everytime just b/c I said sorry" crap. Don't belittle his feelings b/c she fucked up AGAIN.Continuously ignoring the feelings of your partner, AND acting impulsively + regretting it = immaturity.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - you're as immature as the two people in this blog with your name calling. the only way to deal with immature people is to give them a retardidly fantastic fuck you!
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - anyone who has had or is currently in another 5 year on again off again relationship is too retarded to maintain a relationship. you are directing the retardness at the wrong person lol he doesn't have to forgive her right away or at all. I rarely forgive people either nor do I let people walk all over me. I won't have it. I was just analyzing the situation in my perspective based on the blog. you are the one belittling other peoples' comments because you didn't have something productive to say.
if he needs space, then just say it, instead of playing the immature silent game.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - What I said, was VERY productive, thank you. I just happened to think it was funny as well. If he playing the silent game, then that's one thing, but what if he truly wants his space and she takes it as him playing the silent game? I broke up with a past gf once, and she thought it was the silent game, just b/c that's what she does. I was like, "nah, bitch! l'm gone!" Shit happens. I'm skeptical of this whole thing. I just can't believe people sit here and say, "Hey. He's silly/wrong bla bla bla" even though she's left him numerous times before and most likely went back, just b/c she doesn't want to be alone, and doesn't want to start new. So what? You sit and torment the guy with your impulsive rambling? Then when he ignores you, you're emo and shit? C'monnnnnn! You know better than this too!
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - in the end, your comment isn't geared towards HELPING anything. It just sounds like you're trying to help her gain control of the situation. It's stupid and retarded and you know it. ADMIT IT.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - While the roles would be reversed it would still be a case of adults playing games would it not? Lets see who cant shut out who for the longest, FTW?
@Morningstarrising@xanga - Well written dove.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - I'm helping my fellow females and you are helping your fellow males' side. fair game. if more males disagree, why aren't more speaking up and commenting in his defense? if she is a repeat offender, why does he allow her to even have a chance to apologize, just leave her and don't put up with anymore of her manipulation game? are you so riled up because you are the anonymous person who submitted this blog for advice?:D