Wednesday, 03 February 2010
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Keeping Relationships Betweens Friends and SO's Separate?
In the beginning of me and my boyfriend's relationship, we used to hang out with each other's group of friends pretty much every day. It was fun cause it always kept us busy, we always had things to do, and when we were tired of being around other people it made us enjoy each other's company all the more. A year into the relationship, he just stopped. He started ignoring his friends' phone calls, even his best friend! He pretty much stopped going out with them altogether. I didn't think much of it then, but ever since, he's been suggesting we hang out with my friends. It's either we hang out with my friends or just the two of us alone.
Recently he started hanging out with his buddies again one by one, but only when I've been busy.. like when I'm at work or when I'm at school, but still.. whenever we do anything that involves more than 2 people, he always suggests my friends.. never his. I started to wonder if there was something I said or did to embarrass him or make his friends not like me. Maybe they said something to him about me that made him not want me around. I thought that until his friends left me messages on my Facebook telling me to come out and asking me why I'm never around. I confronted him and asked him why he's been keeping me and his friends separate and he had no explanation. I told him it made me feel uncomfortable, as if he's hiding something from me and he got angry that that thought even crossed my mind. He said that I was wrong and that he'd prove to me that he isn't hiding something from me.
Today, a similar situation came up. He asked if I had plans after work and if I did he would call his friend to hang out since his friend called earlier asking him what he was doing, but if not- he wasn't going to call him back. I said, "No, I don't have plans, but why don't we both hang out with your friend together instead of it being one or the other?" and he just got kind of quiet and said, "I'd rather not.. I'd rather just hang out with you today." So I mentioned the talk we had a while back and he got mad that I was bringing it up again, but my argument was that he hasn't done anything to prove me wrong and he suddenly got REALLY REALLY mad at me. like.. top of his lungs yelling at me mad for bringing it up again. If there is something bothering him, I don't understand why he can't tell me and if there isn't, why he hesitates to call out his friends whenever I'm around. He's not giving me any answers.
Now, my question to you guys is.. is it wrong for me to want to hang out with his friends too? Could he possibly be hiding something from me? Maybe he just doesn't want the two kinds of relationships involved. Should the relationship between bf/gf and friends stay separate?
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- From: daaaaaaang@xanga
- Name: Jessica
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Comments (27)
Are his friends mostly guys? Maybe he's worried you'll leave him for one of his friends.
No, you're not wrong for wanting to hang out with his friends, too, and the relationships don't always need to be combined but MUST NOT be always separate. I was confused at first because you made it sound like he stopped hanging out with his friends, even without you. But I think he still is seeing them, just not with you in the group? I'm all for guys being able to hang out with their friends alone sometimes, but he should bring you around them, too. A healthy relationship needs to be equal, and if you're only seeing one of the groups of friends, not only does it prevent you from getting to see how he acts with his friends, but from getting to know a major part of his life and who he is. The fact that all of a sudden he stopped including you, sent off red flags in my mind. Is he doing something on the side and doesn't want his friends to tell you or get to know you better so that that would want to? Or is he worried about the liability of his friends liking you, even if he is being loyal to you?
Also, the fact that he got SO upset definitely sounds like he (a) has anger management issues and/or (b)has something to hide, whether it's a feeling, or an action. If he doesn't tell you and continues this behaviour, and/or keeps getting so angry with you over something so small, you can always tell him that you need a break to think about how he's treating you. You sound like someone he should be proud to have around, but by keeping you away from his friends, he's not acting like it. Good luck!
That's really strange. I mean, I would think that because you are seeing each other, it to be natural for you to hang with his friends from time to time like he hangs out with your's. I could see a problem if all you ever wanted to do was hang out with his friends, but that isn't the case.
Are all of his friends guys? Maybe one or two showed an interest in you or something like that, causing your BF to want to keep them away from you. But if that was the case, he shouldn't be yelling at you for voicing an opinion. He sounds kind of insecure.
I know it's backhanded but... the only suggestion I have would be to ask his friends via facebook PM or something like that. Ask them, then tell why you are asking: it's causing a major problem. And if your BF has a cow about it, state: "I've tried talking to you, but all you do is yell. I'm trying to gather as much information from all souces to try and figure out what's bothering -you- because I want to fix it."
i don't think it's wrong at all. i would hang out with my SO's friend too.
if he can't tell you without getting verbally angry.. make him text you the dealio.
that is just really bizarre, i wouldnt know what to think either. its really weird that he's not doing anything to change your mind except argue with you, either. i actually don't even know what to tell you.
my ex never wanted me to meet his friends ... because he was on staff at my school and i guess we weren't supposed to be dating. except, he also introduced me to distant acquantences as "his friend" while we were dating. but, that was throughout and we ended after 3 months. (clearly he was never planning on sticking around.) idk what the deal is w someone who starts by letting you chill with his friends and then puts a divider between, i've never dealt with that before.
He might be cheating on you. He might be keeping you away from his friends because he's afraid that they'll say something about another girl. I'm not trying to scare you or anything, and there are certainly a lot of possible reasons for his odd behavior, but the fact that he is so extremely defensive about it should probably be putting up some red flags.
I tend to not introduce my friends to each other much. Past experiences had them getting alot better than with me & they move on or some crap would start & I dont talk to them anymore.
I dont know why he doesnt want you hanging with his friends but he could be hiding something like a previous commenter said or if they're guys, he may be jealous.
it sounds like he is furious that you are invading his territory because those buddies are his friends and not yours, is probably what he feels. he is jealous that his buddies are inviting you out and there isn't anything wrong with just hanging out as friends, but he might feel that he has been overlooked or not their first priority when it comes to invitations to hang out. basically, he feels threatened that you are slowly stealing his friends away from him, even if you don't think that you are-you're just being friendly, but he doesn't see it that way-you are his girlfriend but have also in a sense become an intruder on his friendships with his buddies if you are getting closer to them as far as being good friends with them and always hanging out. I don't think it should be completely separate. he is just insecure. although I think that you shouldn't get too close to his buddies and make some of them your best friends.
Maybe he thinks his friends are getting a little too friendly with you. That could be awkward to bring up. If it upsets him this much, I don't think it's worth bringing up.
just be calm and tell him you care and you'd just like to know. a simple reason. if he's THAT upset about it then you deserve to know, especially because you notice the awkwardness. him yelling at the top of his lungs was probably a bit extreme as well, but just approach the subject carefully and tell him you're just trying to understand
I call the insecurity card.
He realized how freaking amazing you and is afraid that others will notice how freaking amazing you are, too. He's not worried about your friends because they were your friends before him.
He's coveting you.
But that's just my opinion, which is obviously only one of MANY.
I'm sure it's something more, something deeper, than "I don't want you hanging out with my friends." The best thing to do, regardless of the actual problem and what he's feeling, is talk to him: figure out exactly what it is he's feeling, and why he's feeling that way.
And then let him know how you feel. Help him understand what you're feeling when he acts this way. Finding out that it hurts you more than he realized might make him think differently about his actions, because I highly doubt he intends to hurt you, or make you wonder if he's hiding something.
That's weird! I'm seriously curious what's his real reason for not making you hang-out with his friends. :))
Hm, I'm assuming that his friends are mostly guys. Well, if that's the case, then, I think your BF's keeping you all to himself. Is your guy possessive? :)
Oh yeah my man did that to me for a while, especially since he thought I was leaving him out of my circle of friends (I wasn't, it's just that everyone I know is in university and spends their weekend mugging for exams instead of going out so I don't get to see them very often to start with, therefore I can't really arrange social outings where both parties would be free to meet up).
He was just being selfish so that he didn't have to deal with the possibility that his friends don't exactly make me feel comfortable and I've been trying and failing to be as nice as I can, left out as I felt. I eventually talked to him about it and he confessed that selfishness to me. He asked for my continual effort while he talk things out with his friends and make sure they are willing to make an effort as well. So there, it could be just as simple as that.
I don't really like my boyfriend to hang around a friend of mine because she kinda crushed on him for a while, even sent him texts talking about how lonely she is and such. She's past that now, and I completely trust him.. I'm just insecure about it. I'm guessing he's just possessive, or scared he'll loose you to a friend of his.
To me, it seems like he's feeling insecure. Perhaps he's afraid tht his friends might fall for you, and you'll leave him for them. o:Â
if hes yelling at you for asking what was up, hes not doing something good. he might not be though also but, it definitly sounds weird.
he has to talk to you, because i also think thats very strange.
i would never yell at my girlfriend for asking what was up. then again, id never be doing what he was doing either. idk.
No idea. That's weird.
Maybe you're reading too much into it?Maybe he really would just rather spend time with you.I know I am the time of person to want to hang out with my bf alone.And to hang out with one person at a time, instead of a bunch.Maybe he just enjoys your company alone.I don't think it's wrong that you would like to hang out with him and his friends. My last boyfriend used to have me hang out with him and his friends and then he started to stop, which I didn't understand, we would be sitting in his bored with nothing to do and when his friend asked us over he'd say no and say that I'm the one that didn't want to go. I got on pretty well with his friends, still do with some of them, but he was pretty possesive and always wanted me to himself after a while. I think it's a good thing to get on with each others friends and not keep the two kinds of relationships seperate.
@dulcify@xanga - i thought of this, too. especially the part about having something to hide if he is blowing up about it.
however, the problem could also be that they like you too much- he might be jealous that they like you more than they like him. that would cause him to be embarrassed, and maybe blow up. that's a thought
Sounds like he's "enmeshing" with you. Also definitely sounds insecure about you and the relationship in general. I say feed the insecurity and give his ass the boot right out the door. Because the issue is his, nothing you can do will change things. You can talk til you're blue in the face, you can reassure him, appease him, whatever, and it's just gonna keep on going.
I suppose you could kick the shit out of him for some mild entertainment value, but I would do so only as a preface to wearing him down for the final "big boot" out the door. Make sure to throw a suitcase on his head after he lands in your front yard.
Maybe, he's just shy about the fact that he wants to get to know a side of you more? He wants to hang out with your girlfriends because he wants to get to know you better, and get to know your friends. So you guys could share more things together?
Or it's either that, one or two of his friends may have shown intrest for you. And he's insecure that they are going to take you away from him? About the part where he started yelling at you on the top of his lungs.. he may not know how to react properly because he's shy about the fact that someone in his group started liking you or something... or its just plainly, hes hiding something from you.
this is a really bad sign.. i would run! it will go down hill from this point on. and my words will haunt you because its true... and you might not see it right away..but this is the very begining of the end of your relationship..
This how mine started to end. it took years. but i am now getting divorced in 6 days.
That's really...extremely odd behavior. Obviously something is going on and he isn't telling you. Its really strange, since you said that at the beginning of your relationship you two hung out with each others' friends all the time, not just your friends or only the two of you. If you can't get him to tell you what the problem is...maybe you should just take it as a hint for the future and move on from this guy. :/ I hate giving that kind of advice, but this sort of strange behavior is worrisome.
kinda strange :S
but yeah, like alotta other people have said, i think he's just insecure :S