Monday, 01 February 2010
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Advice: Relationship Bumps
I'm not sure how to exactly put it. My boyfriend and I of almost nine months have hit a bump. Now we're not sure what to do. We know that we love each other and that we don't want to separate, so taking a break and breaking up wouldn't work whatsoever.
So we don't know what to do. We have stupid nothing fights but it gets to the point where its screaming and crying and harsh feelings towards the other. That has never happened to us. Any ideas about what we can do? Has this ever happened to anyone else?
Share your advice at Datingish Advice: What would you do to get over this relationship bump?
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Comments (22)
wow that happened to me too. but I think it was around .. 6 or 7 months. we continued the stupid little fights over nothing .. (that were all caused by me) .. it got really bad to the point where he got fed up with the fights and it caused him to have negative feelings towards the relationship ... he started ignoring me ... whenever i wasn't with him/whenever i was at home .. but in school he'd be the same .. i decided that I didn't deserve this treatment and he wasn't going to come around .. i tried to stick around to save our relationship because I believed that it was special and worth saving .. we ended up fighting less because we started talking less .. he got less interested in the relationship ... i realized that it takes two to save a relationship and i was attempting to save an already dead relationship ... and therefore I ended it. I was being sort of ignored .. / treated differently (unconsciously) for about a month .. I realized what was happening 2 weeks before we broke up. or he could've been talking to another girl. idk. but yeah he was my first real boyfriend .. and i thought it was love. we dated for 11.5 months and it's been exactly 2 months since we broke up. i was completely devastated for the first 2 weeks .. and hurting up until last week .. but now I think I've just accepted it and moved on with my life. Best of luck! Hopefully you guys are able to stop fighting and save your relationship unlike me.
if it's jealousy issues .. maybe you/him (whoever is causing the fights) is secretly insecure and maybe the insecurity is rooted within something else (something bad) that happened during the relationship or in a past relationship? but .. the fighting needs to end. there's only so much fighting that a relationship can take.
I would have said a break. Even if it's for a couple weeks. So you both can clear your heads. No calling, texting, emailing. It's harsh, but that's what me and my SO are about to do. But I'm pretty sure our break will last for some months.
My bump happened after 4 years... :(
Whatever you choose to do, GOOD LUCK.
same thing happened to me.. cept the problems began around month 7. and we tried to make it work... and for two months we tried to fight the inevitable, and despite our strong feelings for her, we eventually broke up :/
If it's like this after nine months, it's not going to last. Sorry.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
@LaVieEnR0se@xanga - Way to suck at relationships.
The 9 month mark is hard for a lot of couples. It is the point in your relationship where you're more comfortable with each other and will start nit-picking at the small, minuscule, pointless things. Try to think before speaking. Talk things out with each other and, if you're both committed and want this to work -- it will.
Fights are fights, they are going to happen. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, and breaking up or a 'break' is always out of the question, no matter how big the fight. You just have to talk it out. & If the fights continue, then you two shouldn't be together.
Keep on trying to talk it out without getting into arguements. If that doesnt work, then maybe write letters to each other. Literally take an a4 jotter and write a letter.
This is what you do: stop fighting. Don't argue about stupid things, mostly you both are being nitpicky. This usually happens when you start spending too much time together, so spend a weekend apart, hanging with seperate friends.
My advice is apologies go a long way to smooth over bumps in the road or just in life in general...realize what ever little stupid things that you said you fight about is not worth losing your bf or gf if you love them ...hope that helps you & good luck
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Fights are natural in a relationship. Perhaps, you'll have to give each other time to think...space... For a day or even for a week, but not longer than that (?)
Used to happen to me & my SO all the time. We'll be together for a year on the 28th .
We would have little spats over absolutely nothing. One month, we argued our way straight through it. It was like last May, but we were dead set on making this work. If both of you guys are set on making it work, it'll work. We still have days when we argue over the stupidiest things, but we get over 'em quickly.
Maybe just wait it out. Realize that, yeah, you will argue, but that doesn't mean the relationship is over or anything.
Wait it out. Gotta go through the rain to get a rainbow.
@godofthelost@xanga - Thanks.
@PMFoutofwater - Haha, that's what I was going to say.
And it REALLY sucks to hear, but it's true. I didn't realize how bad it was with my ex-boyfriend until I started dating the guy I'm with now. I mean, don't get me wrong, my current boyfriend and I argue, but it's different. We don't put each other down, we share our opinions and if they happen to differ and it's an important issue, then we meet each other halfway, or just agree to disagree. If you guys are screaming at each other this early into the relationship, I wouldn't think you guys were right for one another. But that's just my opinion, you have to decide for yourself.
My S.O. and I have never had relationship bumps like you mentioned. You can probably call him moving to CA for grad school a bump, but we are making it through.
it happens but if you're willing to work it through, you will get through it.
It's honestly, happening to me right now. We don't exactly yell harsh nasty things at eachother, but we do say some hurtfull things that may seem harmless, but really pinch the insides. I was actually thinking of making a similar blog, but seeing as though you already beat me to it I'll just take the advice other people respond too. :) Soo, you're not alone sista. It sucks hard! And my heart hurts soo much lately. I just hope this little bump isn't very wide.
this happened to me and my SO because we were both got really controlling, when we realized that we went to work at trusting eachother. We both also had problems of our own that we needed to fix, I have never been a one man gal until he came along, and I had to change my whole lifestyle because I was such a player, and that left me very frustated at times; what with adjusting to a real relationship, being vulnerable etc... anyways something could be buried down deeeeeeep inside in both of you that you are not getting out. Are one or both of you controlling? Have you given up anything for eachother, something big, that can lead to frustrations? Maybe you do infact need a break, I'm talking, no seeing eachother for atleast a week. You still talk on the phone, and are still faithfull, but humans do need privacy, and alone time. Try that alone time, and get both of your heads on straight.
Something is obviously wrong, there are so many reasons a relationship can start tanking, but as long as you two take the time to find the problems, and solve the problems together, you are going to make it. Think about this, is there anything your missing that you had before the relationship? Did you just go through a tramatic experience? Are you unkowingly controlling? Or maybe your the pushover and your sub concious is telling you your sick of it?There are so many many many reasons I could name, but you have to find them out yourself. Just ask yourself a bunch of basic questions about your relationship. When you find out what the problem is, get help, whether help from xanga posts, some internet info, or talkng to someone.
Fixing your relation WILL take more then a few days, maybe months. You might even have to break up a few times before you realize you want him and only him, or you dont want him at all. Good luccck.
No no, taking a break is actually going to be good for the relationship. Just lay down what the terms and agreements for the break is gonna be (are you going to stay monogamous? are you still technically together, or do you want a separated status until a later date? do you guys still get to stay in contact? how often?). Experience tells me, if you two really love each other, the break will only serve to generate the both of you missing each other terribly while allowing you both time away from each other to work on yourselves and your identities as your own individuals.
My man and I hit that rough patch where we called a monogamous still-together minimal contact break. We worked on ourselves through that period, I learnt to overcome some things for him and he learnt to be a better man for me in that time.
It's not going to be particularly easy, to go through with a break but sometimes to save a relationship, you just gotta do it. My having to be overseas during the period of the break anyway helped us to get started. And then I was far too busy to call anyway and most of the time my phone was off. In the whole period of a month, I only called him twice. Then when I got back, I allowed myself a bit of time before I met up with him. It wasn't easy, he got uber-depressed (to the point I even found depression brochures at his place) and it got a bit in the way of his work, I was just lucky to have my head spinning around so much that I had no time to be sad. But now we're happier than ever, still together and reaping the benefits of the break!
this happened to me with my ex. we had a bump for about 5 months before eventually splitting up because neither of could take all the stupid fighting that we had been having and we just both felt miserable all the time so we didn't see the point in continuing the relationship. so we both had a mature chat about it and decided it wasn't working out, so we had to seperate. it ended in tears for the both of us but i still think to this day that it was for the best that we seperated, it just wasn't working so there was really no point. i think you should try and work things out in your situation or you two should seperate if things aren't working out, there is no point in staying in a relationship like that unless things are going to change. i've been through this, so trust me i know what i'm talking about. hope you find peace and happiness at the end of the road!
We all got 'em. A few bumps doesn't mean the end of the world.