Saturday, 30 January 2010
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The Politics of Relationships: Stuck in the Middle
To what extent do you support the relationship of a friend that causes another friend emotional distress? More specifically, when one of your good friends breaks up with his/her significant other, and another friend swoops in and starts dating "the ex," what position can/should you take as the friend stuck in the middle? (Given that your two friends are also friends with each other.)
I realize that this a pretty specific scenario, but it has happened to me twice over the past year, and I can't quite figure out how to react. One time, my college roommate broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years. Soon thereafter,my best friend swooped in and before I knew it, they were bumping hips in the downstairs bathroom during my birthday party. The problem is that all four of us grew up in the same town and regularly hang out together.
Nowadays Friday night comes along and my roommate is expressing some doubt about going to this party because he knows my friend is going to be there. It's not like there is bad blood, drunken bar brawls and nasty rhetoric, but it's more of an uncomfortable undertone that really puts a dent in the friendships we had before the drama. When the three of us are in a group, and I notice that the friend of mine, who has been left, isn't acting himself, it makes me feel uncomfortable and throws off the balance of the situation.
I know that other people's relationships are not our own business, however, this arrangement puts me in an awkward position because when we hang out now, I'm constantly thinking about how Johnny considers punching Charlie a little bit harder with each beer we drink. Maybe this is a psychological construction that doesn't really exist--that I'm just being paranoid. Regardless, it has changed things for the worse and I don't know how to feel about it.
The selfish side of me says that Charlie should have considered the dynamics of the situation and the social positions of everyone involved before making his move. However, my pacifist side tells me to mind my own business, and let the love affairs of others be, while being neutral to both sides.
What I have a problem with though, is hearing my one friend talk about how he still has feelings about his ex-girlfriend, and then hearing my other friend talk about the wild evening he had with the lady last weekend. The worst part is that I catch myself curtailing the truth to both sides in consideration of their respective feelings, and thus, politics begin to enter my friendships, and we all know that true friendships have absolutely no space for politics.
I've done enough dead-end thinking about the situation and I can't figure out myself how to treat the situation. What do you suggest?
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- From: craigorio@xanga
- Name: Craig
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Comments (12)
i wouldnt say anything. but try and stray away from sloppy seconds yourself. thats just never a good idea.
Tell Charlie to stop being an asswipe. I have no sympathy for people who date the ex's of their close friends, especially if they're callous about it.
I'm also pretty upset right now by my ex as of a week ago. He's all over one of my best girlfriends, and honestly, it makes me feel like..shit.
Honestly, the only person you can control is yourself. The best you can do is just help Johnny feel better and let Charlie do his own thing. If there seems to be an escalate of tension between the two and it's really obvious, then you can sit both of them down and talk it out.
ask yourself...what kind of friend would move in on his or her friend's ex?
@hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - nicely stated
how close were they to begin with? i wonder, if the situation were reversed, would johnny do the same for charlie?
I ditto the comment above from InTheThin...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Since you're in the middle, I think the best way to stay out of trouble is to talk to each of them and ask them to try and refrain gushing about feelings that deal with the couple, or the ex. Does that make sense?
By doing that, you're seperating yourself from knowing and spilling to the other party.
"Soon thereafter" is the key words.....depending on the length of time that "Soon thereafter" means will determine just how much of a douche Charlie is and how much of a skank that girl is. Almost as irritating as Charlie is your lack of spine in the situation. Its either a) you guys are all fake superficial friends anyways...in which case, what does anything matter....or b) if you are really the friend of the other guy....why don't you stick up for the bro. You don't have to cut ties with anyone...but I'd tell Charlie to his face that what he did was douchey, and he doesn't need to be an even bigger a-hole about it. Meanwhile, I'd just try to be as cool to the other guy as possible....tell him that stressing over a douche and a whore isn't worth it. The sad fact is, neither Charlie or the ex even has one ounce of consideration for they guy.....so it is what it is. Just needs to move on ...but it'll take time.
you better be careful if you are in a relationship. If Charlie can do that to Johnny, then he can do it to you too. Tell them about how uncomfortable you feel when you hear them talk about the girl and ask them to stop.
I would tell my friends that I don't want to be put in the middle, so if they want to talk about things involving situations like this, they will just have to talk about them to other friends. Which should not be considered unreasonable, as a good friend will realize that they are putting you in an awkward position right smack in the middle and that it is not very nice of them. If they can't realize that, then they're just being unreasonable.
Yeah it is a very specific scenario but it is very possible. The feeling is very awkward especially when you you are around. I really don't know what to do.
I don't know if I'll be happy or sad.
Smack him.