Friday, 29 January 2010
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"The Ex-Boyfriend Blockage"
Aright ladies, I have a bit of a bone to pick with y'all. Now this does not have to do solely with you women. But I'm sorry, I see this case happening with you guys the most. So check it...
Why is it that 90% of the ladies I try to simply take out on a date, are always stuck on an ex-boyfriend that did them dirty or claimed to do them dirty but yet they still are stuck on them after 5 months or more of being broken up. The ex is seeing someone else, but yet they still consist in trying to talk to the ex. Now the ex has a big head and has sex with his new and old girl just because he can. Then you ladies cry about it when he says he doesn't want to be with you. Hmm, I hope this makes sense to you all. It's extremely frustrating. I'm willing to wine and dine you for a weekend, but you'd rather sit around, dwell and mope that your ex doesn't want to be with you anymore. How about you MOVE ON! Or at least attempt to. I just don't understand. It leaves me in a horrible position.I like you, but your stuck on the ex that ditched you like 5 months ago. Your wasting your time being upset about. At least give me a sliver of a shot to take you out to eat and see where it goes from there. SHEESH. So the girl I wanted to take to my good friend's wedding is questionable and I'm running out of time to give her a far enough notice about it to see if she wanted to come, and I don't know whether or not to try to ask her out near or on Valentines day. SMH...I'm not stressing it at all. I just am in the mood to go on a date or something. It's been way too long. Know what I'm saying?So ladies... Is there some kinda strategy or technique us men need to know to break the spell you have over your Ex? Or are we doomed until you gather yourselves and help yourselves?
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- From: Mouse036@xanga
- Name: Mouse
- Location: New York, United States
- About Me: What up. Im 25 from Westchester NY. I dont got much to say bout myself but umm. Not good at really explaining myself on these, so feel free to just ask... AIM: Damouse750
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Comments (57)
i think this was a little insensitive, but i agree. when it comes to other people, i can tolerate a couple weeks. hey, maybe even a month. but after 5 months, you're just being mopey.
i do notice this wayyy more with women (and sissy boys) than with men. i think a lot of the time, it's because we think we need men to boost our self-esteem. no man=no good.
do you offer her some comfort or do you directly show that you are annoyed that she is moping over her ex? if you are her shoulder to lean on when she is moping, she might develop more feelings for you since you show that you care when she needs someone there. if you are saying these exact things to her about how you'll wine and dine her and that she is wasting time moping, then she'll take offense and probably be so annoyed and angry that she won't go out with you if you aren't sensitive to her feelings.
"Know what I'm saying?" No, not really. Less ebonics would be cool. The blog as a whole sounded kind of selfish and stubborn.
For humanity's sake, I'll try to overlook the incoherent colloquialisms and grammar and attempt answer your post.
I'm not aware of anything you (or someone in your position) could do to "break the spell" of the ex. Sorry.
You could, however, try to be understanding and supportive. I understand you want to see where things go between you and your new love interest, but it sounds like she has issues of her own that needs to be straightened out before anything happens. You don't want to get in there before it's all righted because you'll just end up being a rebound. At this point, you can either try to be understanding and supportive, etc, and put your romantic desires on hold, or just go and find yourself somebody without any baggage or whatever. (Good luck.)
I've known quite a few guys who did the same thing. It's not as blatantly obvious that they're obsessed with their ex, but they were still in love with them and just passing time either until they got back together with her or found someone better. Guys and girls both do it, guys just play it better.
I think if you're out with a girl and she does that, first try to direct the conversation elsewhere. Breakups hurt, and it can take awhile to totally get over it, so give her a break and give her the opportunity to connect with you by talking about something YOU TWO have in common.
If she insists on dwelling on her ex, call her on it. You asked her out because you wanted to get to know HER, not her ex. It's very rude to 1) accept a request for a date when you really just want someone else and 2) to waste the person's time blabbering about someone they have never met and really don't give a crap about. Just be like, "Thanks for coming out with me, but you seem preoccupied with someone or something else. Give me a call after you've dealt with it and are able to enjoy your date with ME - I'd love to give this another try sometime."
Just saying that should bring her back to reality and if it doesn't, you've cut your losses.
The book "self-made man" talks about this too. In the chapter where she is attempting to date women as a man, she says it was a real eye opener about her own gender. Many of the women she dated wanted to obsess over an ex, or talk about how her previous relationships had failed and why.
I see this as a symptom of a deeper problem. We have, as a society, lost any sense of etiquette. Our informality is good in many walks of life, but a little bit of first date etiquette wouldn't kill the average person.
Dating requires some basic level of social skills and common sense, both of which seem sadly lacking. To clarify for those people who are struggling with concept: The first date is your first impression. Do want the other person's first impression to be that you are neurotic and obsess over past failures? then by all means talk about your ex. otherwise save it for the third date at least.
Most importantly: do NOT let her elaborate for you, because you risk being friend zoned and then your chances are over and done!
Distract her with the charm-- if she literally will not open her eyes then maybe this won't work out quite yet... if you know her well enough you can say something lighthearted but terse- it'll embarrass her just enough to wake her up a little bit!
I don't do this.
Your blog is like a relieving message. Thanks so much for posting this up.
I gotten dumped the day before our monthsary last December. I had no idea he was going to break up with me. He had his reasons... I was even getting over him until we both revealed our feelings with one another and fell into an "intimate" relationship instead and that was complicated. I fucked up and now he's not even talking to me so we're not even friends anymore.The best part I like about your blog is the when you said to MOVE ON. I hear this in my head all the time. Stop wasting time, etc., but it is so refreshing to read it somewhere or from a guy's perspective. In my case, he had every right to break up with me and I even support him but I really miss him. I hate to admit but I obsessively think about him but I just don't text, call or anything. He told me not to... so it's the least I can do. It's been 2 months now since we've broken up officially and... it still hurts. We weren't a couple for that long but I have never fallen so hard and so intensely as I did with this guy. Now I know why I never wanted to be in a relationship, but the only thing a girl can do now is to mope, cry, mope, cry until she gets sick and tired of it. In my case, I have been all of the rides on the merry-go-around's pace of sad, hurt, angry, bitter, sad again and then all over again; might I add a slight bit of depression? Sad, I know, but our hearts... I'm an ex-girlfriend now. It's hard to hear myself as one, but I am an ex of his and I am not over him. This hurts and frustrates me because the pain is just too much to handle.
My plan is to make a solid decision and follow through. If I need to cry, then so be it, I'll cry and eventually I'll get sick and tired of it, I'll just end up getting over him or finding someone else, which I highly doubt, but that's it. He doesn't want me nor love me so why waste time.
I'm not too sure about the question but in my perspective if I have a new guy and I'm not over my ex, I'd take it easy and slowly and let the new guy know. If you're asking if the ex is pestering the boyfriend with a new girlfriend, well then it's not the guy's problem. Like myself, the ex-girl will have to deal and get over him somehow.... I think what makes it worse is that there is that "connection", the longing, the passion, the snuggling, the memories. You try to block them out, try not to think of him but every little image triggers you that keeps him/her on your mind. Now, I try to be busy and if I'm not, then I only see myself in a bed curled up in a ball...
It'll just take a lot of time... there's a book about how to get over an ex. I forgot what it's called because I just scanned the important stuff but... that's all I can really say. That, or lots of therapy. If she has girlfriends, she's lucky to talk to them. I'm not that lucky but... *shrug* Oh well... I hope my moping phase is over because it's really painful. It hurts. It's to the point that my heart is waning, I can feel it... and it only solidifies the immense pain and anguish I'm feeling for him.
And... as you can see, I have been spending a lot of time on my laptop escaping from the real world and writing my feelings down and channeling this emotional b.s. out. I just wish I could have him back... but, he does not want nor won't. I'll let him be...
Thanks so much for posting this. Really, you have no idea how much I needed to read this tonight, on this Friday, lonely, night. At least I have 2 hours of work to keep me occupied. Have a great weekend, guy.
PS
Love letters, pen and paper (any papers) are always mucho romantic for V-day. Draw a heart... a red heart with your style. In this day and age, it's rare... Or, stuff it in a small stuffed toy for her to find. Whichever way goes, I am happy for you and I hope you have a good V-day for me because yeah, I'm going to make sure I'm either stoned, doped up to kill the pain or working all day and night on that day. I think it's worse than my Birthday. Yeah... I think so.
Forget about peepz that can't move on. Find a love that's free. Then the other girls will see what they missed out on. "Get" me?
why would u want to break the "spell"?
only she can move one when she wants to... time heals?
dang-dang-dang!!! i hear ya!
If someone is stuck on an ex, IMO it simply means the ex made a favourable impression that made her feel special in some way and there was no closure to resolve the relationship. Give her time to be by herself and figure things out for the following reasons: 1) If the relationship ended recently 2) It seems she is stilll very infatuated with him 3) So you won't be a rebound.
If you're still interested in the girl, stick around and get to know her as a friend and build that rapport.
Hate to tell you, but I don't know of anything you can do to help us. Â We have to help ourselves. Â We'd love to "move on" if we could, but sometimes we can't; we want to know where it all went wrong, if there was something we could have done differently, etc. Â That kind of thing. Â Most likely, we don't have closure. Â Closure is a big thing for us.
If you're that interested in us, stick around and be patient. Â And understanding.
thats exactly why i cut off friendship with my ex who broke up with me .. i figured its not fair to the new person i will be with .. and i dont wanna have any baggage so i explained to my ex that i cant converse with him anymore .. im ready to move on and find someone who loves me for me .. truly .. not just uses me because i look good or any other sh*t like that .. i figure "you wanted out?" stay out!! ew to exes
Next time this happens try saying (politely) "Ya know what? I've heard a bit about your ex but I'm really more interested in getting to know you. What's your favorite [come up with something fun here]?"
it really depends on the girl and how much they were "in love" with their ex.
plus it's harder for us girls to forget about a past relationship and move on quickly like guys (especially when he's moved on so quickly).
but if you really like her, i guess if you stay with her long enough she'll realize what she's missing out by moping around bout her ex.
If a girl is like that, you shouldn't bother...
I never go persue a guy when I'm still hung on an ex. But there are just some relationships that girls can't get over. It took me 2 weeks to get over one guy buta bagagillion years to get another guy.
couldn't agree with you more. my current best friend is this girl and i keep trying to get her out and meet new guys and its just not getting through. i've never been like that about an ex before so its kinda hard. i guess everyone has their own healing time and some deal with it rather differently. if you do find a cure for this, do let me know... so many of us girls deserve better and sometimes its even staring them in the face and we're too caught up in our drama to notice.
DEFFINITLY MOVE ON SHE IS NOT WORTH IT OBVIOUSLY.
uhms. sighs. no relationship is simple. so yeahs go ask and you know, help her heal blahs. but if youre not serious then... you prob wont last through the whole recovery stage.
also depends on the girl. whether or not shes like... one of those girls. idk how to describe. but if shes ready to go for someone new yeahs durf. but if not. well shrugs. you just gotta take your chances right? idk.
theres def gonna be that feeling where like... "am i the replacement?" and all that good stuff. well... even if you are... that guy in her life just filling up the void adn distracting her from her sadness/pain... well you arent gonna stay in that stage forever. just gotta hang in there and take action in helping her recover. so back to step one. how serious are you?
My current boyfriend was hooked on his ex for months! even thou she cheated on him every chance she got. and even when I told him numerous times she cheated on him with both guys and girls he wouldnt even believe me. I should have walked away but there was something about him that made me stick around and show him that there were faithful girls in this world. He doesnt trust me becuase of his ex, but he's getting better everyday. As for you I would find another date, unless you really want to stick around shes gonna be hooked on him no matter what at least till she sees that their are BETTER guys out there right now she see's all men are just lik the ex that dumped her. Nothings really gonna help, If you are to take her then mayb make it clear you guys are just going as friends, then maybe she'll think your playing hard to get and be intrigued by another chase.
Maybe sometimes it is a bit overkill to mope long periods of time, but other times it's necessary. It all depends on the seriousness of the relationship. Honestly, though, there is no formula, only time and sometimes closure. For people who are dumped by someone who they really cared about or conceptually wanted, it's sometimes a matter of "What was it about me that you didn't want? Or that I didn't have? Or what did I do wrong?" Hey, most of us don't want to self-blame or anything, but it happens. After all, all relationships have their perfect moments and great times. Those could seem like everything and, of course, a chance to get it back could result in destructive behavior.
So you want to go on a date. That's great. I can understand your impatience, but it's really not about you. The only thing is that I do agree that if a guy is already seeing someone else, it's time to give it up, girls. It'd never be the same even if you got him back. As long as the girl is taking her space and trying to mend herself, I think you should just let her take her time. It's something she needs to do alone.
Sometimes the worst guys are the hardest to get over because, dude, they've left you broken for a while. And it occasionally takes more than 5 months to get over. Seriously. And no, there's nothing you can do to force these girls to get over it. In fact, what you're doing here will probably set them back, because now not only do they feel broken by the asshole they dated, but now they're feeling bad about being broken. That's helpful. Really. Those girls have to heal themselves before they'll be willing or ready to accept your "wining" and "dining."
Now here's my question to you: why do you keep going for girls who are pining for other guys? Seems a little sadistic to keep doing that to yourself. So here's a hint: stop trying to take out girls who're stuck on their exes. The fact that this keeps happening to you is purely your problem and not theirs. Getting over the bastard that broke you down is difficult enough without making these girls shoulder your problems with them, too. It helps nothing.
So stop being so harsh and start looking for girls who aren't trying to get over some asshole. Otherwise, you're responsible for your own frustration. Stop trying to put the blame on the girls. It's not their fault you keep choosing the most frustrating route to a date.
-Katie
I'm going to say...find someone that does not have this hangup and move on.
Some people, never get over it. Or it'll take a lot of patience, which may or may not be beneficial to you.....