It's not easy to write this, but since the past will always catch up to the present and I don't know what to think anymore, I decided that I will post this entry.
My relationship with my man is not as awesome as most people think. Behind closed doors, I've been raped by him on multiple occasions and assaulted once, which led to my filing a statement with the police and because of my young age, they also had the court issue an Apprehended Violence Order on my behalf. They would have pressed for an arrest, and it was only by my insistence that they didn't do it.
Two court hearings and one revoked AVO later, here we are, still together.
But I've been haunted by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder since end of 2008. I have frequent mood swings, I feel a lack of self-worth, I feel maniac-angry pretty often, I threaten him, I cry. I've been through counseling, nothing of which was much help because I don't feel like I am the one who needs to be counseled. I've tried asking my man to come to counseling with me because it would help me more, but he refused on the basis "Why should I have to sit there and have someone tell me I'm a rapist and I'm violent?"
I love him still and he loves me as well. That much is undisputed. And granted, he no longer acts violently towards me but he still coerces me into doing stuff I don't feel like doing or forcing himself on me. I feel like I'm just falling deeper and deeper into an abyss of despair, anger and shame. Like I'm slowly but surely losing my sanity.
It's not fair that almost everyday I have to deal with Post-Traumatic Stress and lose my mind day by day to it. Why am I the victim, and he's the perpetrator but he gets to go on with his life and his work, living without consequence?
What do you think I should do? Should I leave him and press charges to bring closure to myself? Should I just stay on? How do I cope with all the anger I'm feeling? What do you think he should do? Suggestions on how to try and feel better?
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Comments (96)
Leave and file charges. He forces himself on you and you think that he loves you? He loves your body, not you.
Leave.
I have been through a relationship very similar to yours, so I know my words are valid. You need to leave him. By staying with him, you're enabling his behavior. There was once a time in your relationship, when you were the true victim. However, at this point, knowing what you know and experiencing what you have, you are no longer a pure victim. You're adding to your own destruction. If you had any sense of self-worth, you'd leave him. If you stay with him and nothing improves, how can you really get upset at him? You say there is love in your relationship. That is not love.
In most circumstances, it wouldn't be fair to be going through what you're going through, but if you're knowingly and willingly staying in this relationship despite his abuse, then it's completely fair. What do you really expect?
You may not agree with me, and you might even get offended... But this is coming from a person who has been raped, molested, beat, and choked. I went through all that you're mentioning and I've come out of it, too, so please keep that in mind.
I don't usually tell people to break up here in Datingish because I think people should always try to work through their relationships, make an effort and not just take the easy way out and leave... but if there's ever one case I will most definitely say a person should break up is NOW. I don't know all the details and really don't have to.. you should have left when he first raped you. Any guy who does that does not nor ever will respect you. HE's got issues, serious issues that you CAN'T FIX. You're this messed up and confused because of HIM. LEAVE NOW. Seriously. And then seek some professional help. You ARE in an abusive relationship, wether you feel like admitting it or not, wether it feels weird or not. I know you love him and sometimes it seems like he loves you too, but you need to get away from him! He will always want to dominate your life, he WONT change. I'm sorry if it hurts... but really... GET FAR AWAY.
@JaydenWolf@xanga - so true. i agree
i feel like i can kind of relate to you because my boyfriend is kind of a sex addict. not like he'll hook up with anyone, but that he wants it so much from me to "relieve stress" that i feel like i'm being guilted into it. hell even keep begging me even after i said no and wont leave it alone till he gets his way.
granted i still love him because minus his sex addiction, he loves me adn takes care of me [[i get hospitalized pretty often cuz of my disease]] adn is there for me. but his problem is really taking a toll on me and our relationship.
as for your relationship, you should dump him. if he's gonna do that to you adn not even at least go to counsiling with you, that he's being a lame ass that's totally not worth all the trouble.
no one can make this decision but you. whether you leave him or stay, there will be consequences. you have to weigh the pros and cons and decide what's best for you.
i will say this much, though. without counseling, people who have been abusive in the past typically only get worse. even if he seems ok at the moment, if he refuses to go to counseling for violent men, his behavior won't change over the long haul. you need to keep that in mind when you are examining your options.
Leave.You should've left earlier. Why are some people so stubborn?
I'm not too big on the filing charges.
How can you do that to someone you've loved if you have truly loved them?
My dad abused me for years in interesting ways, and I couldn't do anything but jack his life up too and fall deeper and deeper into the abyss, as you call it.
There's no such things as victim, he said.
I'm allergic to my dad, as it turns out, and I agree with that statement. I should have killed him. Everyone wants to feel sorry for one to make up for themselves, and one doesn't want sympathy but is trapped in that too. I couldn't get away. I never can.
PTSD is an allergy, btw. If the poison continues to disrupt you, then you have to get away from it in any way you can or build up tolerance. Why do you want to tolerate? What does he do for you? Sex? You are attractive and could find another partner, and I'm not saying that to open you up.
Until you figure out why you are attracted to him, you'll just find him again.
Pain only has meaning for so long. Bones crack to odium.
Please leave him.
Leave him honey. You don't need a horny dog humping your leg.
press charges!!! you say he has no consequences, well press charges and give him some. by not pressing charges you're sending him a message that you won't do anything to stop him and he can do what he wants. partner rape is just as serious as any other kind of rape. please press charges.
i have a suggestion. you sound just like me. there is only one solution. leave him. he will not EVER change. he believes inherently that he did nothing wrong and even if he seems apologetic it is not lasting. he feels entitled to his behavior, and to demand anything he wants from you.
for yourself, leave him. if you feel you can't press charges, don't. i can't. i can't be in the same room with mine. it's bad enough to hear him through the walls when our children have supervised visits with him.
PTSD is NO JOKE! i know :( i'm so sorry. even after leaving you will still have to deal with it. but you must take that step, no one else can do it for you. there are programs that will help, abuse hotlines, etc. i used them. in order for you to regain your sanity, you must first be able to feel safe ... and you never will if he still has you. (and he does. believe me, i know)
({) hugs ....
@JennyGee@xanga - that "counseling" for abusive men sometimes only serves to further their deception. teacjes them how to act and what to say so people don't know what's really going on ...
PTSD is one of the most terrifying things for you to have to cope with on a day to day basis, but it is with you know. Wouldn't you rather be dealing with the flashbacks alone though and not the actual reality as well?
It isn't all about love. There is so much more to life than the grand passion we call love. There is hope, compassion, contentment, maturity, and most of all--happiness. Sometimes to achieve all of the other parts of life you have to choose to sacrifice the love you feel for a man. You are hurting him by letting him get by with this, daily showing him it's okay and he can get by with it as long as the words "I love you" are involved. He loves you, but honey he doesn't love well. And I don't think you need another person explaining to you how you are being hurt.
This will be the hardest choice you ever make, but you need to leave. Pressing charges is a different matter, and honestly it needs to be one step and at a time.
P.S.
I know all the stats on abusive relationships (social work major) and he may have stopped for now, but it isn't over and you will end up dead eventually.
Leave.
what you needa do is leave that SOB and press charges! that ain't love whatsoever! get it through your head! and the longer you stay with him the more serious damage he's gonna do to you and more than likely you might trigger something in his mind even if you didn't do anything he'll probably end up just killing you... domestic violence does not end pretty when the girl is being beaten and battered... it's not the end of the damn world if you leave him... you needa leave and you needa get yourself help... if you can't do it alone call on a friend you trust or a family member that can help you get out of this relationship... i've watched too many of my friends go through this and it's just as painful to watch them go through it... love doesn't have to hurt and it isn't suppose to hurt... and you say he ain't doing shit anymore but yet still forces you to do things you don't want to do... that right there is a sign he's not going to change... so leave now while you still have a chance to do it! you gotta think about yourself and your safety... this is your life you're talking about... you ask yourself... is it worth it to stay and be miserable and be raped everyday or should i leave and get myself help and move on with my life and get better? DO IT! LEAVE NOW!
OH MY FUCKING GOD! Leave... he hasn't change and wont! Really.. are you that BLIND by love? There are better guys out there that wont do that to you, why are u still with this rapist? You're just letting him feel like it's okay to do these things to woman. This is a bit similar to the "Rihanna and Chris Brown" incident.Please, you need space and time to heal.If you don't leave, you're just digging a deeper and suffocating hole for yourself. Please ole please... this doesn't have to continue. No matter how much you "love" this dude, he's the problem and not you. Love doesn't need to hurt in these terms. I care for you and I hope the best for you whatever you choose to do honey.
real talk, this dude is forcing himself on you without YOUR consent-and that's not cool. I say leave him-doesn't seem like he loves you for YOU and not just your body
I know you love him, but you really should go. It can be so difficult to leave when you still love someone but sometimes it is necessary (forcing himself on you is about as good as rape when you think about it). You are only losing yourself this way-- I went through something not very similar but relevant in this respect. He is not the only man for you-- you can find someone for yourself who will respect you better both physically and emotionally, I am sure.
leave. right. now.
by staying you're only allowing him to do these things to you.
it's never going to stop.
unless you leave. NOW.
@EuropeBrazil@lovelyish - Agreed.
IF he were clearly trying to change...going to serious counseling and NOT coercing you into anything, ever...then I would say MAYBE give him a chance.
But if he's not willing to take responsibility and change his behavior, get the hell out. Please. There are much better relationships out there for you, much better men. People who will love you and not hurt you.
You need to leave. Go to someone who will help you stay away from him. He doesn't really love you. I don't care what anyone says, he doesn't. This is going to be hard for you. I am sure you will miss him, blame yourself, want to go back, he will try to get you to come back, and so on...but whatever you do....LEAVE HIM AND NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN. Cut him out of your life. Change your number, get a new myspace or whatever...you know block him on everything....move...whatever you have to do.
Why should I have to sit there and have someone tell me I'm a rapist and I'm violent?"
Well, duh cause he is one and doesn't want to face the fact he is a worthless piece of crap.
Run. As far as you can. Get the hell away from him. How can a man who beat and raped you say he loves you. You're fooling yourself if you think he does. He has no concept of love and sees you as an object, not a human being. Raping someone does not equal love. I should know, I was raped by my ex boyfriend at fourteen years old.
Rape is the ultimate violation of another human being. Doing that to another human being is disgusting and does irreversable damage. And going off of what you're saying, you absolutely have RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome). Do not let this sick narcisstic pig walk around free. Lock his ass up, because I can promise you that he will rape again. If it isn't you, it'll be someone else.
Almost all rapists have more than one victim. You probably weren't his first victim, and if you don't speak up, you may not be his last. Rape is inexcusable, and you should leave his sorry ass as soon as you can and have him arrested. Don't listen to his apologizes because they are empty and mean nothing.
Please, get out now! If you don't, you could be assaulted again, or worse, killed. If you need anyone to talk to safely, call 1-800-656-HOPE, it's the National Sexual Assault Hotline. I know how much they've helped me, and it seems you could use as much help as you can get. If you don't want to call, I suggest visiting their site RAINN. There is online counseling there and a lot of information that you may need.
I don't know who you are, but I am praying for you to take your life back and get away from this poor exuse of a man. I pray for your safety and recovery. Be strong and remember LOVE DOESN'T HAVE TO HURT! You deserve much more than what you've been through. If you need anything, anything at all, I'm here as well.
Stand up for yourself.
I can't add too much to the comments already made. And as one of the few male posters above said (me being a male myself), what your bf is doing to you is "not cool"...and that's putting it lightly. He deserves to have his ass whooped.
This guy rapes/assaults you and doesn't think he's violent? He goes on with his life after putting you through all this misery? That's not love. It may be HIS version of love. And if that's good enough for you (and I hope not), then.... well, each to their own.
Here's a CNN article that may be of interest to ya. Look it over, think carefully, and I hope it helps you make the right decision:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/04/rihanna.domestic.violence/index.html#cnnSTCText
he raped you multiple times and assaulted you and he is insensitive to your feelings when you need someone there to accompany you to counseling and repeatedly forces you to do things that you don't want to and is basically a jerk/bully than a loving boyfriend, yet you still love him?! love works in mysterious ways...I had PTSD but not from anything sexual or violent. I understand the depression and sadness about how nobody really relates to my emotions. it took me a couple years to get over it for good because there are trigger things that remind me of the incident that I don't want to talk about since it is personal. the best thing to do is out of sight, out of mind or break up with him. I hope you'll find peace and comfort soon<3
That is NOT love. You do NOT love him, and he does NOT love you. You fell into a rut because it's easier than to face up and push forward. You need to learn how to be stronger. If he refuses counseling, fuck him. You shouldn't even be with someone who's going to do nothing but drag you down. You DO need counseling, to deal with the pain you're harboring. All your questions, your self-worth issues - you need help. Do yourself a favor and get it.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years. I've since moved on and found myself an amazing guy, who treats me like I now believe I deserve.
Do yourself the same, please. You deserve that much.
@wideopenskies@xanga - you make a fine point.
he should realize that counseling is a step in the right direction. get him to understand that he needs to seek help and that he should do it to improve himself, and for noone else. he'll probably do it of his own volition.
i would suggest for you to move on. you deserve better.