In my
last post on Datingish, about finding the time for sex, several people seemed bothered by the idea of "scheduling" sex. Several people said things like "You can't schedule sex, it has to be spontaneous" or "It would kill the mood to plan when to have sex," "It just happens when the moment is right."
This got me thinking. Don't get me wrong, I love when sex is spontaneous. But there's something to be said for
anticipation, too.
Consider the scenario. You're leaving for work. Your significant other lets you know, one way or another, that he/she intends something that evening. All day at work you have that in the back of your mind, your imagination working, so that by the time you and your SO get home, you both are very much in the mood. Scheduling can, in fact, sometimes create the mood.
I very much believe that, in a deep and committed relationship, sex is about the other person more than it's about myself. That is, my wife's pleasure is my responsibility, and my pleasure is her responsibility. I wonder if that's why, when she's ready for sex and I'm not, I'll make a mental effort to get ready for her, and when I'm in the mood and she's not, she makes a mental effort to get ready for me.
Seriously, if my wife and I had to wait until both of us just "happened" to be in the mood at the same time, we would be having sex far less often. Moods can be created. There are times when she's ready and I'm thinking about something else, or I'm ready and she's distracted, but it usually doesn't take long to bring the other one around. No, you can't "schedule when you'll be horny," but you can schedule when to make each other horny, so to speak.
Am I off base? Does sex always have to be spontaneous?
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Comments (50)
agreed! horny is a state of mind- our brain is, after all, our most powerful sex organ
i prefer random sexing in random places :D planned sex..not so much. cus sometimes i might not be in the mood & it's gonna disappoint the other person =/
As long as the planning isn't something like, "Honey, it's 9:32 on Sunday. Roll over."
when I said spontaneous in my comment in the other blog, I meant that both are always ready and even if he/she isn't, then you still make an effort for the unexpected sex, so both don't have to be in the mood at the same time. I think my fantasy was more of a tiger awaiting his prey and I'm the prey
you see their real time reaction, not anticipated reaction. scheduling and building up the tension can be hot, too. if my significant other is super hot, I'll be thinking about him all the time schedule or not
Hm, I've got to say the anticipation is pretty wonderful.
@tykoala@xanga - actually that's kinda hott. :] lol.
See, and this is what I was trying to think of with my response to your last post. It's like looking forward to a fancy dinner or just a special day in general.... I personally don't mind either scheduled or spontaneous sex, but I'm generally in the mood most of the time anyhow (unless I'm ridiculously exhausted).
I think sex should be a combination of spontaneous and planned. Sure, it'd get pretty dull if it was scheduled for every Friday at 7pm and you did the same thing every time. However, having that planned time and coming up with new and interesting things to do can definitely be fun. On top of the scheduled time, having spontaneous moments randomly spice up the relationship.
It's all about balancing the two, in my opinion.
I have sex scheduled for my wedding night and I gotta say, I'm really excited about it! ^^
yes and no
i might plan on ripping his clothes off and he don't know it, thats planned because i plan to do that so i dress in a certain way
i am in my pjs and it started of as playing around
we go out and get drunk and come home
i like it any way it pans out! :)
Sex doesn't have to be spontaneous, scheduled sex shouldn't kill the mood... O well, it depends on the person~
i agree <3addy
Nope. As long as it doesn't become so scheduled as to be like.
"Oh, we'll have sex on saturdays at 2 PM."
That O_o would just be meow.
The way you put it is very well described.
I think sex being more on the random side is better and more worth it than a planning behind it. That's just me though.
Very well said, cheers.
due to work constraints, I only get to see my guy two nights a week. While it may not be scheduled, or written in stone, it's pretty much guaranteed to happen.
'Consider the scenario. You're leaving for work. Your significant
other lets you know, one way or another, that he/she intends something
that evening. All day at work you have that in the back of your mind,
your imagination working, so that by the time you and your SO get home,
you both are very much in the mood. Scheduling can, in fact, sometimes
create the mood.'
I totally agree with that, it motivates me to get everything done so I can finally get home and do it.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with anticipation. Just the mere thought of getting it on at night with your SO when you come home from a long day at work is something worth looking forward to. But let's just say, you come home from work all excited about your romantic plans that night and you're SO is exhausted. She had a hard day at work dealing with annoying and picky customers, (if she's in retail, customer service, etc.), sex would probably be the last thing on her mind. She'd probably want to spend all night just venting to you about how some kid kept crying and wouldn't shut up until his mom bought him the bag of skittles. At this point, you'll probably lose your sense of horny-ness. I mean, I would at least.
This is not to say this will always be the case but I just feel like scheduling sex could just lead up to disappointment when plans don't always go....well planned. I like to be surprised but that's just me. I know what it's like to have a busy schedule because my husband and I barely see each other during the week but having to schedule sex every now and then just seems like it becomes more forced than wanted.
Nope especially when you're both busy and hard at work trying to make a living and reaching your goals, whether it's saving to buy a house or saving to go on a month long vacation. There's nothing wrong with scheduling sex if that's what you have to do. I see my friends struggling to stay awake long enough just to watch some tv and spend some quality time with their husbands while the kids are sleeping. Different stages in life, different priorities...
What? People actually SAID to you that sex HAS to be spur of the moment? Are these the same people who never think about it, or what? That's INSANE.
Some sex happens spontaneously. Cool. Some sex is planned for, like after going out, like when life finally gives you some free time on Tuesday night, or whatever. Cool. I fail to see any reason for debate on this, hahaha!
Spontaneous sex is great, but when you are on the phone to your partner and say 'kinky kinky later ;)? (I have never said kinky kinky btw lol) then that is just as good. So spontaneous and sort of planned both do me fine!
I think you do what you need to do. Incorporating both spontaneous sex and planned sex into your sexual adventures is just one way to make sure you're not doing the same thing over and over again. But if you have to schedule it just to get it in, it's better than nothing, right? And like you said, even when you're not in the mood, it's usually not too hard to get there...
I plan sex sometimes... it's still just as fun! i spend the whole time leading up to it thinking about it. we text each other these sexual things and flirt which makes us more excited. There is nothing wrong with planning sex when you're busy! people can be so uptight and unrealistic sometimes. We don't say we're going to have sex every saturday at such and such time. it's more like hey we haven't had sex in a while and i really miss you, let's make some time for each other tomorrow... or in my case this weekend, since he's away in college... i enjoy the time leading up to it and if something happens that prevents us from having it, life goes on and we make up for it.
Ok I see your point..I will try that.