Tuesday, 26 January 2010
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Society's Relationship Expectations
I think our society places too much emphasis on relationships, both romantic and platonic.
Among my peers, it often seems that romantic relationships are essential to happiness. Not only are they touted in media such as movies and music, I also see them referenced when judging other people. While I can be judgmental too, it peeves me that the presence or absence of a significant other defines whether or not a person is happy... regardless of the person. Single people tend to be pitied, even if they're content and don't want to change anything. People in relationships tend to be written off as 'content,' and their problems seem to be ignored more because they have someone, even if that someone treats them poorly. Furthermore, people who are single and want to be single for reasons other than playing the field aren't generally accepted, and it seems they are assumed to be suppressing feelings of loneliness.
What's so wrong about wanting to be single at any given point in time?
Being alone doesn't necessarily mean someone is lonely.
Additionally, someone who likes having some time to themself is not necessarily upset. People may sit alone because they have no friends, but they may also sit alone because they want to sit alone. Maybe they're tired and don't want to deal with conversation. Maybe they simply want to think. When did society decide that people who are removed from others, temporarily or permanently, regardless of why they're removed, want to be integrated back in? When was it decided that it goes against human nature to not want to be with others constantly? When did people start wanting to hug those who purposefully wandered off alone out of pity? Yes, in some cases, the person who stays home from a party is depressed, but sometimes it simply means they do not want your company. Rarely is this a personal insult, so why do people always feel bad when people simply say, "I want to be alone"?
I have my theories. People are afraid of getting left behind, and they think that removing themselves for any length of time whatsoever will end with them getting left. Of course, they empathize with others, so they think everyone else fears this, so they try to keep them integrated. Those who seek self-assurance through romance don't always understand how someone without a significant other can be self-assured, so certainly, the other person must be sad about it as well. Those who long to be hugged in sadness try to hug anyone else they perceive as sad, even if the other person is not sad or is opposed to being touched; it simply isn't in their understanding of people for them to grasp these differences immediately.
Humans simply have an egocentric view of the world, and it's hard for them to adjust to different thought processes sometimes. *shrug*
Thoughts?
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About the Author
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- From: unabridgedtales@xanga
- Name: Edeline
- About Me: I'm an 19-year-old college student, wandering through life with a mind that's on nonstop. I am hoping to major in psychology, produce large amounts of art, and get a novel to an agent before I can legally drink alcohol [in the US]. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to stay afloat in a world not entirely to my liking, and posting my rambling ideas so that maybe I'll understand something greater.
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Comments (29)
none, you're 100% correct ^^ oh just adding, someone who wants to be alone, does not mean she/he wants to be alone all the time. There are times to socialize and then there are times you want to be alone.
Half the people who I know in relationships are not happy. When I went through a break up in November most of my friends started trying to hook me up after a couple weeks because they said I seemed so much happier when I was with her. Off course I seemed less joyfull! I just broke up with a girl I thought I was falling in love with or she broke up with me. It was mutual but still hurt.
It al comes dow to how you se yourself. Some people are a mess alone.
i think relationships are important. i invest a lot of time and energy in my relationships with people, and the fruits of this are evident when i walk around campus and know what feels like everyone.
but are relationships essential to happiness? platonic relationships: yes. i'm sure at least 50% of people are introverted, and many (if not most) are perfectly happy being so. romantic relationships i think are important after a certain age (maybe 30 or so, if not older).
that doesn't mean people won't still judge. at age 22 i've never had a girlfriend, out of choice, and i have no intentions of finding one anytime soon. i like living for myself, without worries for someone else...and i love chasing girls. but believe it or not, i'm still judged when i tell people about my gf history (or lack thereof). for that reason, when people ask me about that kind of stuff, i just don't give an answer. my reputation's too important to me.
great post.
fantastic post.
i think it can go either way.
i think you're right that people tend to err on the side of assuming everyone's like them. i don't like to be alone, so i often assume other people don't, either. it's been a great badge of maturity for me to recognize that some people are different and need their alone time, and for me to not take that personally and leave them space.
however, i think the opposite is also true. bravado often masks loneliness and depression. and i think the reason movies and music and society seem to obsess over relationships is because most people DO find relationships, and romantic ones specifically, to be extremely important, often the most important thing in their lives. we are inherently social creatures, more so than probably any of our animal cousins, and pair-bonding in particular is very important to humans as a species, especially when it comes to reproduction/raising young which, evolutionarily speaking, is why we are here. so, like i can't assume you are lonely because you are alone, you can't assume that people are only obsessed with relationships because the media has skewed their minds. everybody's different.
that doesn't give anyone an excuse to be all up in your business, though
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Of course relationships are important; how important, however, varies depending on the person.
@JennyGee@xanga - Nah, people aren't obsessed with relationships because of the media, and I definitely don't debate that the majority of people depend on relationships to a large degree. It's simply that happiness cannot be based on how social one is at a given moment alone. ^_^
I'm actually enjoying being single. I feel it's important to love yourself first, have your life in order, and be emotionally stable before you invest time in a relationship. I don't care what society thinks. I refuse to get my worth out of who I'm in a relationship with. That's not what defines me. My personality, my talents, my values, etc. define me.
@unabridgedtales@xanga - totally agree! i think you're right that there's a bias against singlehood, and that is dumb, since it's a very individual and personal thing.
Fantastic post. Summarized me perfectly.
I hate going to parties and nothing compares to a nice, peaceful, quiet evening at home. Yet people think I'm "lonely". Some people I knew even tried to hook me up with someone once.
So I acted like a moron to turn her off.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. :D
Take note of this people, just because someone is sitting alone doesn't mean they're gloomy of depressed, it just means they don't like company very much. I'm not afraid of getting "left behind". I don't really care about the company of others. I'm fine with acquaintances, but I don't like having friends. Relationships aren't my thing, platonic or otherwise.
And people should also take note that I'm not crazy for talking to myself, I just like having intelligent conversations. ;D
- Kunoichi
As humans we're built to be social creatures...there's no denying that, so ultimately we're going to have some sort of relationship with people, whether it be with your parents, friends or lovers. If you don't, that's when you become a psychopath, or you turn to drugs or money, etc to depend on. So there's no arguing that plain fact. But, I totally agree that one does not NEED to be with people constantly to be "happy". I for one, choose to sit alone, do things alone because I like it better, doesn't mean I don't have any relationships at all, it's just my preference. I do think it is very egocentric that people believe those who're "alone" are sad or unhappy, everyone has their own preferences. These people need to back off and stop trying to drag those "lone" people into a social construct they don't want to be apart of. But then, it totally depends for each person, some know they want to be alone, some just don't know how to do anything about it if they don't like it, if people just knew how to do and get what they want, there'd be no need for people's assumptions.
Yes. I'm most content when I'm sitting alone in class, usually.
But as for love, that's something I'm very curious about.
there's nothing wrong with being single, just as there's nothing wrong with being in a relationship. to each his own.
Society pressures us to be attached because of biological needs. We are wired to want to mate and produce babies. For women, we want to produce great babies. For men, they just want to produce a LOT of babies. Women pressure men into monogamy because they want to ensure that they will have the only great babies. Men agree because it gives them the chance to spread their seed while ensuring that only theirs will be spread. That's why men seek outside relations when sex goes out of a marriage. (Note: even using birth control/condoms, the urge to mate is still there).
being single and being in a relationship has pros and cons. although being in a relationship involves more stress. sometimes I feel lonely, other times I choose to be left alone. there's a difference. I'm indecisive when it comes to relationships. sometimes I want to be in a relationship, sometimes I prefer to be single. idk. I can't choose one or the other
you are so right. i've been single for a while now BY CHOICE. and one of my friends talks to me about relationships like i'm some pathetic thing who can't find a guy and it makes me want to punch her. i'm totally fine being alone and like being able to do whatever i want and flirt with whoever i want
people that need to have someone all the time are pathetic and i'm not being like that ever again, sorry if people think i'm pathetic for being able to function without a significant other.
I think you are generalizing.
I don't pity my single friends, and I don't think they ever pitied me when I was single. When I was single, I was so happy without somebody - because I wasn't looking. None of my friends (minus a few) were really searching for a relationship, and if they are in one, it's because it sorta-kinda just happened and they like the person a lot.
As for being in relationships, my problems are not any less important to my friends just because I have a boyfriend. My friends treat my problems as equally important - especially since I don't exactly ask them for advice or need help, I just complain about them.
I know many people who aren't "Crowd clingers", who prefer to wander on their own than be around a group of people. Those people are perfectly fine, and there are many of them at my school.
@Andrea_Vengeance@xanga - Hah, of course I'm generalizing. It's just a bunch of overall observations-- there are always exceptions. ^_^
I know, my family gets mad at me because I don't have a boyfriend, but it's not something you can force (like looking for a job or finishing school).
great post - you are so right.
I TOTALLY agree with you. I'm one of those people that doesn't mind, and sometimes prefers, to be alone. And it bugs me so much when my roommates and I go to eat and see a person eating alone and they'll say things like "Oh, poor guy, he doesn't have any friends." It's like HELLO maybe he just wants to eat alone? I don't get how people don't get that.
For starters I'm in a relationship. But even before I was in a relationship I have enjoyed being at home and having alone time opposed to hitting the clubs every weekend. Some of my friends have taken this as a direct attack and a sign of me not wanting to hang out with them. I am introverted and pretty much socially inept. I'm more than happy to chat on the phone once in a while or hang out for lunch. Apparently that's not good enough.
I think it's partly because most societies have a preferred personality type, and in North American society, one part of that personality type is being extroverted. That personality type has become the ideal, to the point where something different (such as being introverted) is seen as almost abnormal.
The truth is, people are different, and that includes different needs for being around people. One of my friends has a job where he is constantly around people and he seems to enjoy it. I would probably go crazy after one day in his job, because I need a lot of alone time. Some people don't seem to get that about me. They almost take it personally. They will try to urge me to stay at a party when I was ready to go home 3 hours earlier. It's not so much that I don't like them, just that spending time with most people, while fun at first, gets tiring after awhile.
Great post. After having split up with my long-term boyfriend a month ago, I thought I could not live anymore - literally... I felt like I needed someone. But, I do not need a man in my life, I have come to realise that you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy, if anything I am happier now. No more problems, no more arguments... it's me now! I loved your blog!
Excellent :)
@EccentricSiren@xanga - "Ithink it's partly because most societies have a preferred personality type, and in North American society, one part of that personality type is being extroverted."-- My brain didn't quite get to that, but that's amazingly insightful. Thanks. :)