I think most people realize that their spouse is not going to be able to meet all of their needs all of the time. I think we understand that it's extremely unrealistic of us to think that they can and will, and outright selfish if we actually expect them to.
But something that I don't think comes to mind as often is the reverse. Just as your spouse can't and won't be everything you ever need, you won't and can't be everything they ever need either. You simply cannot meet all of their needs all of the time. It's unrealistic to think that you can, and setting yourself up for disillusioning failure if you truly expect that of yourself.
Give your absolute best effort to everything, but be reasonable with yourselves and keep in mind that it's a long way to fall down if you insist on perfection.
How about you? Are you more likely to remember that your spouse isn't perfect or that you aren't? And are you quicker to get annoyed with when you fail your spouse, or when they fail you?
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Comments (25)
yea but what if the person you love, doesnt do what they used to with you, but then does it to other people? they laugh and smile at others, but not at you?
when you ask about it, they say that they show false feeling to them, and the true feelings to you.
but you want to see the laugh, the giggle. you want to see the smile.
is that selfish of me to think like that?
is it so selfish to want to see her happy with me?
I'm quicker to notice my own shortcomings. Because of my past, my attitude, and my laziness, sometimes I feel like he doesn't deserve me. I know I'm not perfect. It's not often that I think about his imperfections because I consider them much fewer than mine.
I'm more apt to notice my OWN shortcomings because my boyfriend would not let me forget them even if I wasn't already so inclined. =/
I don't have time to be bothered with noticing his shortcomings, I'm too busy being on the defense. xD
I'm quicker to grow impatient with myself than almost any other human being on the planet. My flaws seem so much more apparent, and I have higher expectations of myself than I do of others.
@SamBarger@xanga - Sorry man, but all I can say is prepare yourself for the worst if that's your situation. Those aren't good signs.
I always focus on my own shortcomings rather than my partner's. I'm not a selfish person, and I generally don't expect much from people except from what they've already shown me they're willing to do. I, however, have to feel like I at least seem flawless, or else I feel like I haven't done good enough.
some are more perfect that others.
Are you trying to tell us that your man doesn't make you cum?
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Well I don't have a spouse but I think you have to realize in all your dealings with people that everyone's human .I never expect perfection from someone nor would I want them to expect that from me 24/7...that would be incredible pressure for anyone to live up to & unrealistic.
@SamBarger@xanga - That sounds rough. You can't force someone to be happy with you though. You can only do your best.
@Cosmar@xanga - That doesn't sound very balanced to me.
@An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga - "I, however, have to feel like I at least seem flawless, or else I feel like I haven't done good enough." My thoughts exactly.
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - Some are better than others in one way or another, but no one's perfect.
@TheLuckiestWomanEver@xanga - looking for faults to justify your faults isn't going to get you anywhere.
I agree with you completely. This is how I always thought of love, that you can look past all the little bad things and see the good ones. I think it's very disappointing when people break up for reasons that basically mean "he/she wasn't perfect." Ridiculous.
hmm, this is hard. i'm such a perfectionist that i typically don't hold anyone else to my impossibly high standards, but with my partner, i feel like i've been holding out for "the one" for so long that i have high standards for him, too. so quite honestly, in my past relationships, i notice others' faults more.
however, now that i've found the guy i was waiting for, he really is so close to perfect that my own faults and shortcomings seem glaringly obvious, and i wonder what he even sees in me. but, i'm sure in time we'll both let each other down- we are both human, after all.
ehh im starting to learn it but i get kinda annoyed...hopefully ill get over it
if he is less than 75% of what I need, then I'll start to worry and vice versa.
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - Who said it was?
@JennyGee@xanga - Haha, I tend to think my guy is closer to perfection than I am too. Something I'm still working on is seeing him as just human. Sure, he's failed me before, but I still subconsciously believe he's perfection and hold him to that expectation in my mind without even realizing it. And that's ridiculous - I can't even imagine the pressure I'd be under if he expected me to be perfect, consciously or not.
It's fascinating how you can know something but not always put that knowledge into action.
I've never been one to seek perfection in a relationship but I do need for the other person to at least meet me half way. I mean, if he/she can't be MOST of what I'm looking for, then why bother?
@TheLuckiestWomanEver@xanga - I totally know what you mean when you say that. I try my best not to believe that my boyfriend is perfect, but for me, he's REALLY close to it. So, I end up being really disappointed when he lets me down, which is why I'm trying to stop expecting him to be perfect. I mean, I know he's only human, but it's just hard to accept that when he's so dang perfect the rest of the time, haha.
It's like seeing your kindergarten teacher drunk.
I'll often notice my own shortcomings before hers. The few she even has, I just don't mention anything. I get upset at times about things she does or doesn't do but I try not to let it get to me, I mean sometimes it can get upsetting when she'll do things that she said she would do with you and not follow through, and sometimes she just doesn't do the things we used to, that we've done for about two years. It's painful sometimes, honestly. I just let her do what she wants though. I try my best to make her happy and I feel like I should come second.
@flawsnall@xanga - I agree. Once you've dated someone a while, you usually get a pretty good feel for whether or not they're actually someone you'd want to marry and spend the rest of your life with.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Haha, exactly.
@DrazenX@xanga - That's a very mature approach - one that I don't think many people can take. I think that if you're willing to ask what she might want you to work on, it's more than fair to let her know about something you wish she would improve in too. Tactfully, of course, but it's better to say it than to end up feeling resentful because you are always the one giving and giving and giving and she might not even know there's something wrong.
i know no one's perfect but i still seek perfection so when i fail miserably, i'm more harsh on myself than i am of my SO.
definitely when i fail him
Our needs are everlasting and they're constant. I doubt or have yet seen a perfect couple...really to be honest (from my experience anyway). There's always that issue in perfectionism when it comes to relationship...but that's what would make a relationship a relationship, right? Wouldn't be called one if it were for flaws, one such as this that you're blogging on.
I guess when we love someone so much that we set expectations for them automatically. Guess one way to say this is that...since we love someone so much, we don't wanna get hurt and we expect them to put in some effort, if not most, into the relationship. I guess it's a natural thing that we tend to expect our loved one to be perfect just as close to the effort that we put in, if that makes sense...
i think we get in the habit of seeing that sexy smile on our SO's face when we do please them with our actions that it becomes an addiction... a devotion if i may say so myself.. we become focused on achieving exactly what they want meanwhile forgetting that it's not possible to have that outcome every single time. and then we kick ourselves and stress out when things are less than perfect. i think we should try to please our SO's when it is within our power (and within reason) and when we can't they should be understanding and we should cut ourselves some slack too..
You need to know your values.
I was, and still am in love, with the same man for seven years. We're now engaged. However, my point is: He's the most loving, romantic man to me. I'm not a romantic, but I know that it's a rare quality in a man to be openly romantic. My friends and, most impressionistically my mother, LOVE this about him. I appreciate it, but it's not my favorite thing about him. I don't love that he's romantic, but I don't dislike any romantic endeavor he prepares for me. All I know is that he's good to me, and that matters.
Recently, he read my e-mails, chats, and saved conversations on my computer that I left on and open because I was ill-effected by a drug I was taking post-surgery and spontaneously decided to go to bed. I had nothing to hide. I ultimately don't care if he read anything in particular. But that's not what I'm stressing. He read my stuff! Where does he get off thinking that's OK? There's a reason there are passwords and such for these things. Again, I had nothing to really hide, but the idea that he invaded my privacy like that - it bewilders me. He confessed it to me the next day, all teary because he was so sorry. So, not to say "it was wrong", but... he AGREES that it was NOT an appropriate thing to do. You get me? Then why did he do it? What didn't he trust? His lack of trust in me gave birth to a serious lack of trust in him.
We're still discussing it and it's significances.
@gweirdo@xanga - Exactly.
@thewaitingroom - There's the saying that privacy won't hurt your marriage, but secrecy will. I would feel really hurt if my husband felt the need to secretly go through all my past emails and correspondence with everyone - like you, I have nothing to hide but it insinuates a lack of trust when a SO does that.