Sunday, 24 January 2010
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"Men Deserve a Direct Response"
In my life, I have had more guy friends than girlfriends. This is due to mostly to what seems like a better connection and desire for less emotional drama in my life, but it has definitely had its repercussions and temptations.
Many have heard the idea that there are no "platonic opposite-sex relationships", which comes from a very true place.
I have encountered so many situations where my guy friends have professed feelings for me (either to my face or behind my back), and I--totally stunned and terrified of the consequences of my actions-- have done nothing in response. Totally fearful of their reaction to a "rejection", I clam up and shirk back into a shell, unable to act.
I have experienced too many times that a man in my life, once he feels the window of opportunity has closed for a romantic relationship to occur, takes off because he sees nothing worthwhile in the relationship anymore. While I wouldn't call these men my friends, I grow quite attached to company, regardless of gender, so it is painful.
I have recently discovered the immeasurable value in voicing the truth of what you are feeling. No feeling is invalid. You have felt it, so don't deny it....But anyway, for the first time in my life, I am facing the terrible fear of having someone walk away from me, without my "allowing" it.
I love the people in my life, and value every relationship. Men, when posing a question of romance, deserve, like all others, a direct, timely, forthcoming response.
"I value our friendship, but do not see it being anything more." Period! No shame, no guilt. It's a good feeling.
Have you ever struggled with this?
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- From: wallf10wer@xanga
- About Me: Studying the building of sustainable communities to alleviate poverty, I am also interested in photography, vegan baking, crafts, and athletic endurance events.
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Comments (51)
Yeah, I've grown to disdain certain girls for their consistent stringing of guys behind them, not for anything more than using them. It's better to outright reject them than to give them a sliver of hope. I've known a good number of guys that are being strung along by a girl that has no interest in them but enjoys the benefits of them being there. (By no means am I accusing you of one, I just think it's better to be friends AFTER getting over someone).
I wish my gf is more like u, she didn't think of this yet
there are things i just avoid (like having too many female friends and hanging out with them for alone/too long)
I wish she could think of this too while she out with her boys and gals (mostly guys)
it's not restricting or controlling, it's called sacrifice, and it is done when u love someone, period
Being a guy, we do need direct responses. Most of us are just not great at picking up hints or clues. We need the actual answer told to us (but sometimes, even that won't get it across to some guys). I mean, rejection hurts, but we get over it eventually.
While it's true guys do need a direct response, some guys ignore them. A guyfriend liked me for the longest & I told him I want to be just friend. I said it clear as day, no coyness at all. He still tried things to get us together & it was so annoying I stopped talking to him for months until he finally gave up. Aggressiveness bordering stalking is NOT cute.
Yes, I understand. I usually know very early whether a new friendship can blossom into something more. And if I do not see this possibility, I make it clear in the beginning with obvious hints and direct statements to drill in the fact that he is a great friend. IF this does not work and I am confronted by a confession/obvious hints that point to his feelings, I ease in a talk about how I am not interested in a relationship. Depending on the outcome of the talk, this is accompanied by a time-out for our friendship because it is just easier to deal with these things without the intimacy of friendship.
d
ive only had one friend who i spoke up and told him its not gunna work were still friends, but yea most of the time when u tell a guy its not gunna happen they just dont wanna be your friend anymore
YES! I know exactly what you mean. It was only this past summer that I fully realized that "honesty really is the best policy". I hate using that expression just because it sounds so cliche and cheesy. But truly, in the past, I wouldn't say anything, or I'd act as if nothing had changed until it got to the point where the men in my life would make certain approaches that would scare me to the point of fleeing, therefore ruining that relationship anyways. There's also the fear that they won't treat me the same way or they won't care as much once they're over me. Its awful and its selfish, but I'm over it now. Confronting them and being 100% straight forward and honest with them is definitely NOT easy, but at least at night I can sleep with a clear conscience and with the comfort that my intentions, feelings and actions are not misunderstood.
:)
I've usually been on the opposite end, where I've been the one to profess my feelings for guy friends (in the past, clearly). I think it's best to be direct with either gender, though. If one of my guy friends had been more clear about his feelings toward me, I would have been able to move on much easier. And not move on from the friendship, but move on from the idea that we could be a couple.
i can completely relate to you!!
You tell 'em. Women seem to expect men to be mind-readers or some shit:
"What's wrong?"
"..Nothing.."
"What do you wanna do?"
"I dunno~"
"Time to make a decision.."
"....."
For god's sake ladies, GIVE US AN ANSWER! Relationship or otherwise. Make it short, sweet and to the point.
- Kunoichi
after a platonic guy friend professes his non-platonic feelings for me and I don't feel the same and reject him, the friendship just isn't the same. his presence creeps me out and I gradually ignore him. if I continue to be friends with him, it'll give him hope but if I cut him out of my life or talk to him less, I still seem like a biatch. either way, guy friends are more drama than women in my experience. I just want a guy friend to talk to but they usually start to develop feelings and complicate our friendship.
Straight to the point...no matter how harsh...then there is no second guessing...I may not like it...but thats the only way for me...but thats my way...and I will respect your feelings for that.
I think it goes both ways. Both men and women should be direct with each other
Sometimes even if you ARE direct with men, it just turns out shitty anyways. Because sometimes they're too immature to deal with what you say. It's so fucking annoying.
And vice versa too. I can understand why they walk away. If they want more than a platonic relationship, staying will just make it harder for them to deal. If you care about them you'd let them go.
I am pretty upfront about my response to men, at least if they directly tell me how they feel. (If they don't tell me directly, I just pretend I don't notice)
I have more male friends than female friends, and the majority of them are people I enjoy but would never be romantically attracted to. I have had at least one friendship ruined because the guy got feelings for me and then either couldn't handle being around me when I didn't feel the same or I had to stop being around them because their advances just got too uncomfortable.
And I think it goes both ways, too. But only if the person confesses their attraction. If they act like they are attracted but never say they are, they might not want to deal with it yet. If some guy says to me, "I can tell you're attracted to me, but I don't feel the same about you," when I haven't even said anything, it just makes me feel awkward and stupid. If I had wanted a reaction, I would have said something.
I think the word he was looking for was exotic. Either way it was a compliment and should be taken as such. If this is in a work environment though, he should really keep compliments to himself to prevent himself from being fired for harassment. Indian/Brazilian is a beautiful mix and it's understandable that the guy got tongue tied and couldn't resist complimenting you. Yet, at the same time, very unprofessional.
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thanks for the post~ never really thought too much beyond the awkwardness of the situation, but i agree with the other comments that both guys AND girls deserve a straight response. i think platonic opposite sex relationships are possible, but it really depends on the people involved and where they are at in their lives
Well I also have lots of guy friends and some are even consider my best guy friends. I would say 95% of them do not want to hook up with me and it's not because I'm hideous but it's more because I'm like a guy. My mannerism is like a guy and I curse why too much plus I'm pretty rude and crude which is probably why they have no sexual desire for me. How do I know? Well they've out right told me and since most of them are homophobic, they feel that liking me or being attracted to me makes them gay.
@litt0_h0nii@xanga - wanna say something .. but you said it all already.. so I'll just say.. i agree with you! :>
Now im in the same state you are in since all my collage friends are guys because they are mutch more fun to be around than the girls
I think that it is perfectly natural for men to fall for their female friends even if it is supposedly strictly 'platonic.' You mentioned that you've experienced one too many times the phenomenon of men taking off from your life when the window of opportunity of romance closes. I fail to understand why you are puzzled by this.
If you look at life from an evolutionary perspective, it makes perfect sense. The males with the fewest mates will have their genes removed from the global gene pool over time thus ending their line of DNA in future generations. It's survival of the fittest. If they can't mate with you, they will have to find some other mate who is more willing to take their seed, so to speak. I know it sounds vulgar and maybe even a bit crude, but it makes sense. Why else would men want to stick around their female friends? Pleasure and meaning are just some of the components but the underlying purpose behind those actions is procreation of genes. Some might beg to differ and that's perfectly fine. Some might want to say that having a meaningful relationship with the one you love is all that they seek. However, part of what makes a relationship meaningful is sex. It's not a necessary component, per se, but it does add a whole new level of meaning to a relationship. For some, it is perhaps the only way to show how meaningful a relationship is to someone. After all, physical, intimate contact is usually the dividing line between an ordinary friendship and an actual, intimate relationship.
You also mentioned that you are facing for the first time that there is a man leaving your life without you allowing it. I find this amusing and interesting. Where did you get the idea that he belonged to you in the first place? And why do you feel justified to tell him to fuck off before he leaves you first? As if his leaving you is not painful enough for him already, you feel that it is in your right to go and tell him why you two can't be in a relationship? You amaze me by showing me how selfish and inconsiderate you can be.
I've noticed your short profile info that you live/work in a missionary. I would presume that you belong in an monotheistic faith of sorts, such as Christianity or Catholicism or maybe even Islam or Judaism. In any case, if you belong in either of the four faiths, I would understand why you seem to exhibit a strange sort of naivete about the human condition--dare I say, a kid-like mentality. In such a case, I don't blame you for not understanding why the men in your life are leaving you or have been leaving you. Maybe your Bible God will shed some light on this issue some day when you are spiritually mature enough to understand.
Direct answers are important, no wonder why we ask such a direct question like, "Will you Marry me?!"