Saturday, 23 January 2010
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I'm Trying Not to Let Personal Tragedy Affect my Relationship
Recently, (and by recently I mean just over a week ago) I had a terrible tragedy in my family - my nana (grandmother) passed away extremely unexpectedly. I am still unable to make myself believe that it actually happened because I am still in shock from it. My mom and I lived with her for half of my life and I was very close with her so it is to be expected that I am taking this hard.
My boyfriend has been perfect through the whole thing and I consider myself extremely lucky in that aspect and I could never thank him enough for it. He went with me to the funeral and held my hand while I cried my heart out. He has been with me every day since she passed away; however, we have not done anything. I'm at the stage where I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone. I can't make myself do anything other than go to work, come home and crawl in bed and just lay there so all that he has done is lay there with me while I cry, or we put in a movie and he just sits with me.
He's extremely worried about me. I have a pretty serious history of emotional problems including depression in which I don't eat or sleep (I lost twenty pounds in a month and averaged three hours of sleep on a good night). However, I have not had issues with it since then until now. I am trying as hard as I can not to withdraw and pull away like I am so used to doing; I withdraw and pull away so I can shove everything I'm feeling away and not have to deal with it. He tells me that it's going to be okay, but right now it does not feel that way and deep down I know I will never fully recover from this and hearing that it gets easier or that it's going to be okay is, quite frankly, something I'm sick and tired of hearing.
I'm trying not to let this affect our relationship, but I'm afraid that he's going to get tired of not going out and doing things like we used to. And I'm worried that there's going to come a time soon enough where he's going to think I should be over this and I won't be and he is going to get frustrated and even angry with me, but that's just how I am, I can't simply let things go like other people can. I've apologized to him for not wanting to do anything and told him that he doesn't have to stay with me, but he says he doesn't mind. I've made half-hearted offers to go out and he just looks at me and says "if you feel up to it, we can", but I don't. I can't deal with taking care of myself, making sure my mom's okay (read: that she eats and sleeps), making sure my little brother's okay, going to work, trying to get back into school and my relationship... something is going give eventually, and I'm afraid it might eventually be my relationship.
We are not a very emotional couple, beyond "I love you", we don't talk about feelings. We don't have to, somehow everything between us is understood. However, I want to thank him for everything he's done for me, even if it doesn't seem like all that much, but I am at a loss as to how. Thank you's and shows of appreciation are awkward for both of us whether we are giving or receiving.
What else can I do to not let this affect my relationship? Have you ever had to deal with a loss while you were in a relationship because this is the first time I've ever encountered this. More importantly, how do I thank my boyfriend for everything, I feel that this warrants more than a simple "thank you".
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- From: TakenAVowofSilence@xanga
- Name: Kirstie
- Location: Stow, Ohio, United States
- About Me: It's not important to me whether you are a dreamer, a writer, a painter, a gas station clerk, or if you're living off food stamps. I don't give a shit if you're a hippie or a half assed hipster, an athiest, a devoted Christian, weathy, dirty, Catholic, homeless, Jewish, Buddhist, a smoker, a drinker, clean or shy. I will not judge you. It doesn't matter to me how extensive your vocabulary is, which independent films you've seen, what books you read, how high your IQ is... I will still open the door for you, I promise. And I will let you sit near me if another seat is unavailable. Even if you don't like what I believe in and even if I disagree with some of your ideas, I will fucking respect you. I will offer you some common decency, and not because it's right, and not because you deserve it, but because that is what makes sense to me. I'm a shadow. Neurotic, opaque and drunk with fascination. I'm your friend, and you don't have to impress me, because I'm not here to impress you.
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Comments (16)
If he truly loves you, he won't leave you.
I have depression and it comes in unexpected bouts and I've lost a few relationships because a lot of guys didn't understand why I'd just start crying or want to rest all the time.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm here because I kinda know what you're going through.
Maybe you should try to go out and do something. I know it's hard, but if you can try to be happy for one day while out of the house, that would probably show him that you're still invested in the relationship. Of course, it's probably not going to be that easy for you, but if there's a day where you don't feel totally miserable, I think that going out would go a long way towards showing your appreciation.
The fact that you're looking for help is a great step towards not withdrawing and I commend you for that. Even though you and your boyfriend don't talk about feelings much it is still good thing to talk about it regardless. Just saying how you're feeling can make a big difference and it only brings you closer. I understand how you're sick of hearing it's okay and it'll be fine, and time will heal everything. But honestly, when you're a third person it is hard to understand how you're feeling if you don't express it. We're here to help you in any possible way we can, but we don't want to push you too far.
My advice is to probably go out and have fun. Maybe your boyfriend already has something planned upcoming soon to take you out and cheer you up. Personally I like to go out and look at the beautiful scenery the Earth has, (e.g., breaking of the waves at the beach, meadow filled with luscious green grass.)
=) Cheers to your recovery and to your boyfriend for being with you during this crucial moment in your life.
Just tell him. If you two have the connection you describe, saying "Thank you, for everything. You've been perfect." should be enough.
Don't worry about it, he can obviously tell this took a huge toll on you. I don't think he'll break up with you or anything for this. But if you really are afraid he'll get tired of not going out, tell him to go out with his friends; show him that you want him to have fun, and that you'll be okay without him for a couple hours. He'll consider it a huge gesture, and really appreciate it.
Tell him.
I'm going through something very similar. My uncle/godfather died this week, and my guy has been extremely supportive and wonderful through it all. He should be too. He should understand.
Take little steps. Maybe cook a dinner, or take a walk. It doesn't have to be extravagant. Take simple steps and hopefully it'll help you feel better. And maybe as you spend more and more time together, you'll both be able to talk to one another more about your feelings.
the only one who can get you back on track with your life is yourself, those who are there may support and help guide you back; but if your heart wishes to grief and spiral downwards into that endless pit of depression... no one can help you.
So reach out to them(SO, family, friends)... and you'll find that there are plentiful hands willing to pull you out.
That being said; there's is a time for grief, but you must also remember that there is a time when you must move on.
Stay strong and carry the smile your grandma would've wanted you to have.
My depression comes in cycles. Sometimes it's for an hour, sometimes for months on end. It worsens in the winter, and this last one was the worst I've had in my entire life. Depression is an all-consuming issue, and if you don't do something about it, it will ruin a lot of good things. Especially relationships.
I had to pull myself up out of my depression, because it had been affecting my relationship with my girlfriend, and my personal hygiene. It was also getting in the way of getting another job, which I desperately need. If you want anything to improve, you have to make the effort to get past what's troubling you, and move on. Death is a difficult thing to adjust to, and denial of it is one of the many steps towards acceptance of it.
But if you fight it (acceptance), things will only worsen. I'm speaking from experience. If your depression is ruining anything, anything of importance, you have to make the move to end it. And fast. It's not going to be easy. Ever. But it is doable, if you put your heart into it.
Nothing comes without a struggle. So struggle. And then succeed.
Death is a natural part of life, and considering the closeness between you and your lost loved one, it's understandable that you need some time to grieve. If your SO truly cares about you, he will be fine with giving you adequate time to cope... Even if that means hanging around the house for a while.
Having said that, as the days pass, set goals for yourself. For example, tell yourself "I'm going to go for a walk tomorrow," and keep that promise. You need to allow yourself to be sad, but not to shut down entirely. Certainly that's not what your Nana would have wanted for you.
Best of luck, and sorry about your loss. <3
if he loves you he really wont leave. he wants to help you.
the best way to show him your thankful, is to show him you love him back.
personally, i love my gf. and i love when she tells me she loves me.
but theres something about saying it, and actually doing it, that so different. if im sitting there, and she just kisses me, for no reason at all, it makes me happy. idk.
but even if your depressed, making sure the other person knows you love them, is so imnportant.
because if he knows you love him, he will never leave you. ever.
thats what love is. being together, no matter what happens, because you always love each other.
i hope i helped at all.
my mom died just over six years ago now. my best friend and her family assumed that after two months i should be over it...i wasn't. i'm still not. my mom will always be dead. losing someone close to you is not something you ever "get over" but it is true, things get easier as time goes on.
i don't remember most of the year after she died. i was angry and depressed and empty. i lost my only immediate family (no dad and no siblings) and no one could fix that.
i still suffer from depression, and lately have developed several medical conditions that complicate my life. i have a wonderful boyfriend who stuck around when i literally lived in a bathtub for the better part of a month. he never once complained, did everything i asked of him, and was always around just enough to let me know he was there and he loved me, but not so much that i felt guilty for not being able to play like we used to. seven months later, we are still doing great.
talking about feelings and other intimate things can be hard, but if it's something you want your SO to know, it's important to say it. it can make you and HIM feel better. he may know you're grateful, but it's always nice to hear it. always.
and i'd say try to go out. it's going to suck and it's going to be hard, but even for a few minutes or moments you might forget how much pain you're in. and i'm sure your BF would really appreciate the effort at least. nothing too high-stress; whatever you're comfortable with. but you should get out of the house. at least go for a walk, as someone said. hold hands. watch the sunset. talk. kiss. enjoy each others company. it can do wonders just to get some fresh air.
best of luck to you and your boyfriend!
you sound just like me l:
i know when everything falls apart you just feel like distancing yourself from everything but you have to pull yourself together. it takes time. you should tell what youre feeling and thinking to your bf eventhough both of you dont usually do that but i think it would help. by telling him, he will get reminded that you need him more than ever. im glad that your bf is nice and understanding. apologise and hug him everytime you somewhat shove him away. oh and try going to a quiet park with him to clear off your mind. you wont be staying at home then.
hope you will get better <3
there are 5 stages to grief and there is no time table that says you have to experience each in a set amount of time. nor does it say you have to go throught them all to accept that the person is gone from you. remembering that death is natural is not going to help with any feelings that tell you to be sad.
you can get to work and go home and be ok. crying and being upset are natural aspects to grief and are healthy. if your boyfriend cares for you then he will be there through the worst, and the best of everything.
as for what to do, if he is not getting upset at this, then i wouldnt worry. however, for your own well being i would worry about the fact that you are having a hard time functioning. going to work and then home is ok for a certain amount of time. there are grief counselors who work with people who have lost someone and try to help them get over the extreme grief and help them move on with ones life. the longer one lets grief overwhelm them to a point where you do not want to go out can turn/cause depression that is difficult to recover from. seek some help and see if talking to a counselor will help the overall aspect of everything. if you are worried about you and your bf, getting some help is totally worth it :)... your feelings of utter sadness is understandable specially if you have known the person almost your entire life. its a void that cannot be filled. just remember all the happy times and all the fun the person brought to you and you will slowly get better (talking helps sooo much :) )... good luck!
hmm, seems to me there are two separate issues at play here: 1) grief/loss and 2) depression. if you're dealing with grief, of course you don't want to go out now, it's only been a little over a week!! i'm kinda like you in that i really feel my feelings, more than most people, really strongly and completely and it can be devastating. sometimes it takes me less time to "get over" things than people think it will, and sometimes a lot longer. but once i've processed it i'm able to let it go.
point being, if you're experiencing grief, let yourself. sounds like your bf loves you a lot and is supportive, so let him be! he loves you and wants to help you feel better, don't feel guilty or try to pretend you feel better if you don't.
that said, since you mentioned you have a history of depression, make sure you take precautions to prevent a relapse. think about what you did last time to help you get out of your depression, and maybe talk to someone if you think it's getting to that point. but still, expect that your guy will support you through it.
when it comes to expressing your appreciation, it sounds like you guys don't value words very much to show you care. everybody has a different love language and if you find out what his is, you can thank him in a way he will understand and appreciate (sounds like you guys, as a couple, may value quality time and acts of service more than others).
good luck getting through this, we're all thinking about you
you can't just accept the fact that you are going to wallow in depression forever and it might cause you to lose your relationship--fight it! work for him and your relationship as hard as he does everyday.
i understand how it isn't easy and how hard it will be, like other people have said--simple steps like going on a walk or just finding a simple place outside of your house where it is still just you and him will help you--not get over it--you will never be over it. But help you accept it and learn to live again. Because quite frankly that is the only way you can truly say thank-you for how amazing he has been--show him he has helped and that his efforts have been worth it, simply by actually responding to them.