As a recent University graduate, it has been many years since High School, yet I return to the same city and have begun hanging out with the same people from my youth: including ex-girlfriends. I personally have two situation on my hands. In high school I had two long relationships, each lasting two years. I have been in touch with both of these ex-loves. One of them has been texting me and pursuing a friendship without much productivity, and I have been actively calling the other without much productivity. They were both pretty destructive relationships as they burnt out and both involved an exchange of hard feelings at the time of dissolution. However, some time has past, everyone has grown up a bit and realized the bilateral causes and faults of the relationship’s failure.
And so now we can all be friends and everything will be fine, right????
Perhaps I’m a bit apprehensive to situations that have caused previous pain, but I’m a bit skeptical of friendship in this context.
I suppose the biggest question I ponder on is if ex-lovers can be just friends. Do the sentiments of love forever remain or do they eventually wash away? Maybe we sometimes pursue friendship with former significant others in an attempt to grab onto some comfortable feeling of the past for which you long in the present?
I’m a bit split myself, and don’t have enough past experience to make a proper judgment. Happy hour Craig says to go for it, but 8:30am, file clerk Craig says its a counterproductive and unhealthy decision. I was curious to hear about someone else’s experience in this kind of situation. Can you be friends with your ex-lovers or is constructing this friendship a subconscious desire for the thing of the past?
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Comments (34)
You can be friends with ex's.. But it's difficult if you try right after a breakup or something. It's best to forget what you had if you want to have them as a friend or else every time you see them.. Memories will flood your mind of something that once was. And it may become just a horrid day. >.<
But yeah, with enough time, ex's can become friends. Normally...
NO - DO NOT do this. Being friends with your ex is the dumbest invention, especially if they crashed and burned like you said. Clearly the one pursuing you still has some feelings for you or want to "talk about what happened" and you probably still have some unfinished business with the one you are pursuing but isn't giving you much time.
It will only end badly. Take these two examples. http://bit.ly/4sw73G and http://bit.ly/2YzmK. The latter one talks about some reasons why people want to be "friends". Spare yourself and DON'T DO IT - unless you DO want to work something out.
In my experience, it's a bad idea that leads only to miscommunications, heartbreak and plenty of frustration. If you think you can handle it, go for it, but my advice is to leave it alone.
once someone becomes an "ex" they stay in the past for a reason. I don't pursue a friendship nor do I express any interest when it is pursued with me.
In my experiences, I have not remained friends with my exes. in a lot of my relationships, we broke up still having unfinished business or unresolved conflicts and miscommunication, so going our own seperate ways was the healthiest thing we could do. I've had a couple of relationships that ended and we attempted to establish a "just friends" relationship, but when we hung out it was very difficult to think of them as just my friend and no longer my boyfriend. I allowed myself to stay stuck in the past instead of moving on..
I think maturity and compromise are required for two past-lovers to remain friends. So, I do think it can be possible to stay friends, even if its never worked for me. maybe im just too stubborn! :)
i would never become friends with an ex. EVER. i agree, it is the dumbest thing.
Different people have different opinions. However, in my opinion, I think you shouldn't be friends with ex-es. Let the past be the past. You moved on and have new soul mate or will have at some points. When you keep in touch with your ex-es and be friends with them, hang out with them, text or talk on the phone, you mix up past and present. That is not even saying, your new soul mate may not like it. I know I myself don't like it and feel hurt when my boyfriend still somewhat keeps in touch with his ex-girlfriends, or see his ex-girlfriends keep calling his phone so many times. I accept that, but feel really bad deep down.
I've remained friends with all of my exes except one (he actively sought revenge, long story). I've enjoyed these friendships and I'm close to each of them. If you can do it, I'd say go for it, it's worth it, you have history, etc. I don't think people can do this right away, but after a period of cooling down and overcoming the hurt, it's not impossible and could be rewarding.Was for my case anyway.
From observing friends and reading what others have said, I think it largely depends on the people themselves. You may be able to be friends after being in a relationship, or you may find it a futile endeavor. But, either way, you won't know unless you try.
Personally, I haven't been able to do it. A relationship can end in two ways: with full closure and everything being resolved, or not. In the past, when a relationship's end has been so nice and dandy (i.e. "resolved" & there's "closure"), I've felt like that chapter of my life was closed for good and I no longer had any interest in it. It's done, there are no questions about it, everyone feels resolved, and we just go on with our lives. Separately -- because the relationship is "done" for a reason. But if a relationship ends and there are still questions or unresolved feelings and such, I've found that trying to be friends afterward is a big mistake. It's most likely going to lead to those things from the past coming to surface and generally leading to sticky situations.
But then again, as I said before, it largely depends on the people.
I think you can be friends with your ex if you have absolutely no desire to be with them anymore. I'm friends with a couple exes because we both know that we just weren't meant to be. However other exes I can't be friends with because I know it'll never be a just friends thing. Not that I would go for them again, but they still have feelings for me and that would interfere with the friendship.
Yikes what a sticky situation. I have never retained a friendship with my past loves, WHICH HURTS, but there was not much solid friendship before the relationship either. Were you friends with your exes beforehand? Without agenda?
it sounds like @pillowchats might be right, there are still some unresolved things that YOU want to work out..
be careful, I wish you the best!
i am semi-suspicious of being friends with ex's...i was friends with one of my ex's, but we all knew he really wished i was back with him, and it made things kinda of awkward until he got married (at which point he wasn't really interested in being friends anymore hmmm...)
and multiple ex-gfs of my current long term boyfriend have done things like say "oh my new boytoy is so mean...you were so nice when we were dating" and "i really wish i had sex with you after all" etc. which show what is on their mind
i do think you can be friends with ex's if both people have moved on though, it's just that often both people haven't moved on!
Never chase, always replace.
honestly ive tried being friends with my ex .. always lead me to think im doing something wrong cuz i constantly think about the past when i talk to him .. i guess it depends on where ur feelings are now both of you
My ex and I are friends, well sorta. About 2 months ago, he told me he wanted a break and 2 days later broke up with me by text. We've been only dating for 2 months, so even if it wasn't long I still had hard feelings. We're trying to be friends. So you can try to be friends.
I still remained friends with all my ex's. We never broke up on bad terms. I may have broken a few of their hearts, but we still remained good friends. One of my ex's is now like a brother to me.
For me I don't see why you should throw away a relastionship. Obviously, if we were together for sometime we were compatible with each other (i know this isn't always the case) so there is no reason why we can't be good friends. Actually, because these people were so close to you at some point they may be able to help you through things later.
Time and time again i find me and my ex's helping each other out.
It's possible! I'm very good friends with my ex-boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. They're happy together and I'm happy for them c:
I think it is possible to be friends with an ex. But not right after a break-up. You can after both parties have gotten over each other. But there will probably be that underlying attraction/desire to try again once you develop a close friendship. That is dangerous unless there is sufficient reason to believe that it can work out again despite the previous problems.
Personally I am not friends with my ex. I will always remain cordial and polite. If they have problems and come to me, I will stop and help them. I respect him and the feelings we shared, but I rather not get into the messiness of friendship.
being friends with an ex is a bad idea. sometimes, it makes you hurt each other more, unintentionally.
Wow. My post is going to get reamed here in a bit.
I think it is possible to be friends with an ex, if you are strong enough to leave it alone for awhile. You dont have that problem since these girls were back in high school and you have moved on. I think, as long as you are still not emotionally invested in them, its ok. If they are looking for something from you other than friendship and you aren't, its not a good idea. :)
this has been asked before... if two past lovers can remain friends, it's either because they are still in love, or never were.
It depends on the situation surrounding the break-ups, and the individual people involved.
Truthfully, if you sit down and be very honest with yourself and think about this, I think you'll be able to figure out what your own stake in this is, why you are considering it. You seem like a pretty level-headed, straight forward guy when it comes to deciding decision that you feel might be major decisions.
As a rule of thumb, though, I usually think its a bad idea. Especially if relationships ended on a bad note, or somebody seems a little overeager to be friends, or the relationships themselves were just bad for you.
For many, I do think its a subconscious yearning to get back together, because its familiar and perhaps to feel some of the heat that you felt in the beginning of the relationship(s).
But, I don't think that's what it is for everyone. I think some people just genuinely want to be friends.
I think, though, if you are wanting to get in touch and at least start up a friendship with the girl that you've been calling, and she is not willing to reciprocate, you should take the hint.
Likewise, I think that if this other girl is being just so eager to be friends with you, it might be that she wants more than friendship.
Still, like I said before, just sit down and think about it honestly and straightforwardly with yourself, no matter how difficult it might be. Figure out why YOU want to do this. If you think its purely platonic on your own part, and you don't see yourself getting into a destructive relationship with them again, then the next step might be to sit down with one or both of them and get to know them all over again.
See what about them has changed, what about them hasn't. Go from there to decide how you feel about pursuing friendships with them. Is what hasn't changed about them going to make things difficult for friendship? Is what has changed a change for the better or for the worse? And is it enough to negate anything that hasn't changed about them?
This is all really something you'll have to do on your own. :p And, only you can really decide what's right for you.
But, again, as a rule of thumb and as a word of caution, I really would never recommend being friends with people you were in a bad or a destructive relationship with.
Yes, people (especially young people as they grow), can and do change, but not all of them do and not all of them for the better.
I fail to see how a relationship you had when you were 14-15 can count as an "ex-lover."
I am friends with exes. I mostly have dated people I was friends with first so then for me, it's easier because i know how we can function as friends already.
I've always stood by the saying "If two past lovers can remain friends they were either never in love, or still are."