Thursday, 21 January 2010
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Does This Make Me Look Fat?
For the life of me, I will never be able to be one of those girls that thinks highly of herself. I've always had self worth issues, and I've been in one too many abusive relationships. I have a terrible time being able to accept compliments from people when it comes to the way I look. If my boyfriend tells me I look pretty or sexy or gorgeous, or whatever, I tend to fight him. It isn't something I do on purpose, I think it's habit to say, "Oh, goodness no, I don't." After I do it, I always feel bad. I feel like I'm telling him, "Jeez babe, you have horrible taste in women." I'm not the ugliest girl in the world by no means.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months now. When we first started dating I was a size 8/10ish. I had been getting over a eating disorder and a ton of mental abuse from an ex. My SO never told me anything to hurt me. He compliments me all the time, and I know he loves me. As the months past, I ended up shooting up dress sizes. It makes me feel terrible because no matter what I do the pounds just won't come off.
Anyway, last night something happened between the two of us to share a very intimate moment between us and I exposed myself to him. A layer we had both been trying to be able to break for a while.
It made me feel embarrassed and unsure and I went to bed with an upset feeling.
This morning I got out of work and had two missed texts from him. One saying that he loves me, and the second about weight loss pills.
I was very angry and hurt. I didn't text him back cause I didn't want to say something I'd regret. I drove home in tears and worked out for three hours and didn't eat the rest of the day. I ended up telling him why I was so upset and hurt by his comment a little later.
I was sitting on my bathroom floor earlier tonight thinking...
I know I'm not the first women to ask her SO the question, "Does this make me look fat?" But did I handle the situation the right way? What would you do if your boyfriend or husband said it to you?
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About the Author
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- From: may16abby@xanga
- About Me: My names Abigail, a lot of people call me Abby. I'm a sophomore in College. I have no clue where i'm going in life. I have a plan, and I hope it works out... I'm a daughter, a little sister, a sister in law, an aunt, a godmother, a girlfriend, a best friend, and a clutz. I'm out going and appreciate every moment of my life! My world revolves around music and art. Emerald greens my favorite color, I've had an eatting disorder since I was 13, and I love muscle cars. Life moves fast, and so do I.
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Comments (53)
ouchhhh. I think if my SO said that to me, I'd feel extremely hurt as well, and also cry a lot. because for me, it's that no matter how many people make you feel like shit, your SO is one of the people who is supposed to make you feel good about yourself.
one can argue that they're only saying it because they care about you, but we're fully aware of how we look and we're extremely self-conscious. it's not like we're flaunting our fat and thinking we're hot or anything. we already feel like shit; we don't need you, of all people, to make us feel that way too.
it's tough. i think if people ask that question, they better be willing to accept an honest answer. if he wanted to address your weight, there were waaay better ways to do it.
Does he know about your past in terms of your eating disorder? Because if he does, I'm sorry, but that was an asshole move. He may have done it as a gesture of "kindness", but there's a whole other layer of issues that need to be considered and understood in dealing with your past. You should really talk to him about this because, if he really cares for you, he should know not to hurt you in such a way.
if he knew about your past w/ your ex and how he made you feel and how you feel about your weight maybe he was just trying to help.. probably not in the most sensitive way, but you seem pretty sensitive about your weight. maybe he knows you want to shed the pounds which is why he suggested the pills..
if my bf had a problem with my weight because he thinks its unhealthy i would listen to him and shed the pounds. .but if he said it in a way that was more like "youre so ugly, so many girls are prettier than you.. you're so fat!" then i'd break up with him because he obviously doesnt love me for me.
well it's not really fair for him that you ballooned up ... that's not really what he signed up for. i mean it's understandable to gain some weight, maybe go up to a size 12 from the 8, but beyond that ... it will make you feel better to be thinner anyway. everyone has faults but so many can be corrected. if it bothers you then maybe you should correct it. your boyfriend still loves you and if you're happy, that's what matters!!!
"I fell in like with the girl I met ____ [years/months/days] ago, but I'm falling in love with the girl right in front of me."
wow... im so sorry. honestly i think sometimes guys dont think how a comment will hurt. i had a guy tell me that we could have "chubby sex" to get me thin. im on the positive side that your bf meant it as a way to help you feel better about yourself but i think he did it completely wrong. i think you were right in not texting him till you calmed down but you seriously need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. tell if he really wants to help you lose weight or develop healthy habits is to do them with you, like going to work out together, eating out less, helping cooking at home. i will be honest though is that i love my body, i have curves, i have rolls and i dont look good in what i want to wear but i know that im awesome. that i can rock the world. good luck with everything, msg me if you want some more advice or to talk!
i understand your pain, but men aren't as intuitive as females are. it sounded like he means well and was trying to help... but could've done it with a different approach. you should tell him how you feel, that way it's a boundary he knows he shouldn't cross.
I think it depends on where he was coming from. If he was trying to help I'd cut him some slack. Trust me, I know how it feels to dislike your own body. Eating disorders are something I know quite a bit about from personal experience. What do you want your bf to do to help you with your body image issues? I mean, he compliments you, you shoot him down. He tries to talk about weight loss and you get upset. What is he supposed to do? And most importantly, are you getting (professional) help with your issues?
I wish you well, I really do. But over the yeras I've learned that things like self confidence comes from within. You need to love yourself first (body and all) before you can accept his love.
If a man did that to me, the next time I saw him I would be wearing stiletto heels, and I would purposefully step on his feet, repeatedly.
That said, I think the guy was just trying to help in the only way he could think of. As another comment pointed out, men aren't as intuitive as most women. Perhaps he needs to be told that anything that cuts down your self esteem will only make things worse.
@mystic_sapphire@xanga - professional help? self confidence? the guy just has bad instincts.
maybe he didn't mean it in a bad way.. men say really stupid things sometimes not knowing that it will hurt your feelings or offend you. it's possible that he just sees how unhappy you are with yourself and is trying to help (although he should pick a different way of helping maybe...). or i could be completely wrong. if he is making you feel bad about yourself, then get rid of him. he is a loser and doesn't deserve you in the least. if it was a misunderstanding, then i would say give it another try.
i'm only seventeen and haven't had a huge load of experience with things like this but i do know that sometimes words don't come out the same way they are thought.good luck and remember you don't need a guy to make you feel special and you are beautiful no matter what!!!! :)@foreverblithe@xanga - that was a little mean, some people gain weight when they are happy in a relationship, whether or not he signed up for it he still shouldn't be sending her texts about weight loss pills. Maybe suggesting working out together or going for walks together is fine but no one should recommend weight loss pills that's horrible.
@monke_man - But the girl sounds like she needs more help than the guy can offer her...
@mystic_sapphire@xanga - what if she does this sort of thing all the time though? how would *you* react?
@monke_man - Sorry I didn't see the second bit of your comment before for some reason. I agree with you that her insecurity is likely to drive the bf away one day, which is why I think she needs to fix this before it gets out of hand. Hence the professional help comment.
My SO knows about my past eating problems, so he wouldn't say something like that to me. But if he did before he knew I wouldn't take it personally. I know he would just be looking out for my well being if I was concerned about fast weight gain.
No, that was definitely hurtful, but from his point-of-view, he probably felt helpless as to how he could help you. It sounds like you've been battling this issue for quite some time, and speaking from experience with a girlfriend who had many issues with her appearance, it's frustrating when you can't help someone you love.
He probably thought the pills were an easy alternative to help you with your self-conceived body image, not a reflection of how he views you which, clearly, is something pretty special if he refuses to let you think you're ugly.
I'd be worried if this were his answer the first time you brought up your body image. He sounds like a great guy. Give him a break, and give yourself a break.
Above all, men (as are all people) are attracted to confidence and happiness. Given that you lack confidence in your image, he probably thinks (and I wouldn't believe it far from the truth) that you're quite beautiful. Now, have confidence in yourself to round out the package
omg. ok as someone currently with an ed i can say that if my bf said that i needed diet pills after seeing me naked i would break up with him immediatley lol but you, someone recovering from an ed. should not take this shit so seriously, which can be hard. Sooo tell him that what he said made you freek out and kinda relapse for a moment. and tell him to not say anything like that again haha
I have to say that I know where you are coming from. I have had my own personal body image issues and I will never see myself the way everyone else seems to. Personally, having him recommend diet pills after seeing you naked is a very risky move on his part, especially if he KNOWS about your insecurities. I don't know if I would have locked myself away, but if he was foolish enough to pull crap like that I would tell him EXACTLY how I feel about him and his suggestion. Women have it rough as it is in reality, with everything restricting ideas of beauty and making it harder and harder to fit into the "ideal" body type.
So he can't compliment you for looking good (regardless of whether or not he is honest) and he can't be honest to you that he noticed your weight gain? It's one or the other.
gah guys are stupid
did he know what happened before with your ex and how self conscious you were.....??
It's completely normal for people to gain weight when they're happy, and recovering from an eating disorder (because if they aren't gaining, they aren't recovering.)
The fact that he mentioned diet pills was stupid on his part. And if he presses the matter in the future, then he's not the one for you (because obviously it would mean he cares more about your weight than you as a person.) If he doesn't, and just said it because you're always talking about your weight...explain to him why it made you cry, and confront him about whether the question arose because he saw you naked.
I agree with ranranbolly. It's okay to feel hurt right now. And if you do want to lose weight, be patient, and take it easy! Don't start out starving yourself. Just continue your recent eating habits.. you will gain weight, but eventually, you'll cut down some stuff steadily.. Like, cut down soda or chips intake by half within a couple weeks.. then none at all, and drink water/juice instead.. and treat yourself out once a week for a reward!
If he continues being a jerk, just let him go!
If you want some healthy dieting tips, talk to me.