Thursday, 21 January 2010
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I'm Frustrated With You
I don't usually ask for advice from others, I tend to figure things out on my own. What do you do when you feel like you're no longer dating the person you fell in love with?
Cameron is nothing but loyal and loving to me, and I could never say anything different. But the truth is, I know him so well, and I know what he is capable of. He is very smart- very, very smart. He managed to get into a very competitive engineering program and I was so proud of him, I still am. What concerns me is that instead of doing well and living up to his potential, he is hanging out with people who honestly are not good enough to be friends with him, and brushing off his responsibilities. He's barely clinging to passing grades and spending his time doing things he doesn't need to be doing- because he should be prioritizing and focusing on school. It's not just about school, but this serves as an appropriate example of how he's been disappointing me lately.
I could write this off and say that if he fails, it's his fault, but I can't do that. Because I know how smart he is and I know what he's capable of. I was the first to tell him that if he had been this same person a year and a half ago, I never would have dated him, and that I want my Cameron back.
I have high standards, and I will be the first to admit that. I feel like him failing to live up to the responsibilities he has placed on himself reflects poorly on me and my taste in people- I don't want to date someone who seems irresponsible and insufficient to others. Is that selfish or petty of me? I only want what's best for him because I know he is so much better than this. Is that wrong? I think my #1 rule when it comes to dating is the day he no longer makes me happy, or the day I no longer find need for him in my life... is the day that we are over. And this won't be true, because he does love me. It's never been a question of love for me. Nothing about him that frustrates me has been because he has treated me poorly- it has all been about treating himself poorly almost, and not doing what he knows is right (and he has admitted that he knows what he should be doing.) At the same time, I don't want to tell him what to do. I'm his girlfriend, not his mother, but I expect better...
He has said that next semester he will be better, but promises don't mean much to me.
But I will wait it out, to see what happens, to see if he can make these changes for himself without my influence.What would you do in this situation? Would you break up with someone who wasn't living up to who you thought they were, or would you be able to accept them because they still love you? Would you expect them to change, or would you let them make their own decisions?
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About the Author
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- From: greenglow28@xanga
- About Me: I'm an 18 year old college student, but for god's sake, please judge me on what I have to say, and not my age or the rest of my generation.
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Comments (32)
Well I think age plays a huge part in this. If the fella is still in college then relax, if it is a tough engineering program then he will be even better when he commits himself. This is a tough thing to advise on without knowing someone. But here it is, you cannot let your expectation issues cause you act in an ill advised way. You have over a 1.5 years of experience with this person so if they are having difficulties then you must have faith. Beyond that beware of meddling, nagging, and even suggesting that ends bad. The guy is probably confused and in a tough spot in his personal life, what a gift love and compassion could be. I hate to say this but try as you might just listening to him my be the best action, eventhough most times it feels like inaction. Too many times in my committed relationships I have found giving my opinion, instead of just listening has been the beginning of the end our trust and our relationship. GOOD LUCK
Wow. This sounds just like what I am going through. My fiance has never been a 4.0, but he is smart and because he has the grit and determination he has made it into 2 competitve programs. One of the first things that really drew me to him was him saying, "I will be a doctor, I will be a Physical therapist. No one is going to stop me. Everyone from high school doesn't believe I can do it, But I can!" And he could of, but then after he got into the program he needed to get into he decided it would take too much time away from me and him and he dropped this dream in pursuit of being a Nurse Anesthetist. I was okay with that, they make a ton of money and they are respected. he got into the nursing program which was the difficult but doable first step. Then this semester he literally just gave up it seemed. I was three hours away from him, his family was four hours away and he slipped into this apathetic depression. His grades were C's and B's. Not the A's and B's he needs to get into the Anethetist program. He just didn't try. We are getting married in June and I don't know what to do. Because he has all but given up the Anethetist program dream, and I almost feel like I was lied too. He now has no idea what he wants to do with his life--I thought I was marrying a stable mature guy I could count on and now I feel like I am marrying a college freshman. He throws out ideas of what he could do, mostly based on their level of easiness not based on how much he enjoys it or how much money it makes. And all this time he is on the path to being a male nurse. And the other day he mentioned how much he hates being in a hospital around dying people but he can see himself in a clinic. I wanted to cry, really? When we first got together he said he would like his wife to stay at home, I loved this, I mean, I figure by the time all the kids are in school I will definitely want a job which he was more than fine with, but for those first years we both wanted that. He still lies and says he wants that, but I know it is a lie, because he isn't even trying to set us up to be able to do that.
But we are supposed to be supportive right? I feel like when I even broach the subject he beats up more on himself than I ever could. And then in his distress he talks about how he just CAN'T do it, he isn't smart enough, so I have to tell him he is doing great to build his confidence, but I want him to know that it isn't great. He owes way more to himself and quite frankly he owes more to me. I am following my side of our life plan just fine, working right now, planning on returning to school after I work him through his last year.
So I guess what I am trying to say is, I have no idea what to do. I thought I was marrying a doctor and instead I am marrying a male nurse who wants to work part time at a clinic come day when he grows up.
My best advice would be to hang in there! I can see that it's difficult for you and even more difficult because you're having to watch him give up on himself and that's probably one of the hardest things to do especially when there's not much you can do about it. I would definitely encourage him to focus more of his attention on his schooling and most importantly just be there to encourage him every step of the way so he at least knows you care. I can tell that he still loves you very much if he's willing to do try to do better for you. He's probably stressed out because school is taking a toll on him and I can understand that because my husband is in his last yr. of the radiology program and sometimes he has his bad days and sometimes he has his good days. His bad days are the worst because he's always so hard on himself especially if he didn't do so well on a test. And though it's frustrating on me sometimes because I have to listen to him constantly complain about how he could have done better, it's the support that he needs. If you break up with him, I'm sure he'll be devastated. But you should also consider your own feelings as well. If he's just not making you happy anymore, I definitely wouldn't want you to stay in a relationship just for the sake of his feelings.
Good Luck and I hope he stays true to his word.
Okay first of all, woot woot engineer boyfriends! :]
[My boyfriend's studying to become an electrical engineer, he used to study in Prague, now he's at the Polytechnic Institute of NYU.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway.
When people date for a long time, obviously they change. They can get lazier, more uptight, start to be friends with different people, as they grow up and have to spend a lot of time in school / work [my beau is in school every day at least six hours, on Tuesdays he's in 8am to 9pm, so I know how time-consuming it can be with all the 4 hour classes...] and then homework and during that time when you don't see them as much, they can change a lot. If it's really bothering you, talk to him about it, but I'm not sure I would give up a long relationship over things like this.
My boyfriend had a momentary weakness too [right after he came back from Prague actually] and I kicked him in the butt and told him that he can't slip. I even offer to help - I ask him to explain physics or math to me even though I have no interest in either one of those and I just try to help him out, because his school does kill the spirit - in his school, if you haven't dropped out the first year, then you'll prolly get kicked out of the school the next year...[I don't know which school your boyfriend goes to]
Just try to nicely let him know that it frustrates you how much he's slipping and that it is not an option to just pass, and that he needs to do more than pass the classes and actually do well. Try to help him out with homework and such and if you can get through a hard time like this, then you're definitely meant to be.
Good luck, and yay for knowing another person who's the girlfriend of an engineer - or soon to be engineer.
"What do you do when you feel like you're no longer dating the person you fell in love with?"
"...he is hanging out with people who honestly are not good enough to be friends with him, and brushing off his responsibilities. He's barely clinging to passing grades and spending his time doing things he doesn't need to be doing- because he should be prioritizing and focusing on school."
In long-term relationships (like marriage haha) there's always these kind of pitfalls; either you both get past them or you both simply just don't. Furthermore, I hate to read more into this but it seems like what you're REALLY saying is:
"To prove you love me, you NEED to get new friends and good grades."
Hope you're not being selfish. If you traded places with him, would he accept you? A guy could say to his SO:
"If you love me, you have to promise me you'll watch your weight and NEVER get fat."
P.S. That guy in your pic (I hope he's your SO) -- is one handsome dude. Don't ever leave him for any reason haha.
I was in sort of the same situation. I was shocked when my boyfriend of 2 years told me that he wasn't planning on going back to college. He had told me when he got his AA that he would go back after a semester or two break. I didn't think anything of it, I trusted him. After being out of school for 3 semesters, he finally told me that he wasn't planning on going back to college. He lied to me! I couldn't think of anything to say. I thought about it for a while and decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who wasn't going to go back to school.
After I told him what I thought about the matter, he decided to enroll in at least one class and see how it works out. I kind of feel bad, since I was the only reason that he was going to take that class, but I keep telling myself that I'm doing it for the better. I'm ensuring that he gets a better job in the future, even if we aren't still together.
I know you've talked to your BF plenty about it, but it wouldn't hurt to bring it up again. Maybe he will begin to do better.
As with any relationship, communication is key. If he knows that it hurts you to see that he has changed into the exact opposite more or less of the man that you fell in love with then that should give him some impetus. The problem is however that the longer you both let things slide along in the manner that they are, then the harder it will be in order to get things back on track to how they used to be.
Me personally? I would stick around. If you love the guy and are willing to support him through a bit of a rocky patch, then your relationship can only become stronger because of it.
Good luck
He does not deserve to be with someone who is constantly "disappointed" in him. He probably deserves better.
@xXDC_luyouXx - woah woah woah, lol. It's not saying, "if you love me, you would..." it's more so... "I know you're capable of more than this, and I want you to make the best future for yourself possible." It's not nearly as much to do with me as it is to do with him- but in any relationship, one person's habits will effect the other person. So while it's mostly about me wanting him to do what's best for himself, it's hard for me to see him not doing that and it effects my feelings. hard to explain.
it's not even me saying, "getting better grades and having better friends is what you need to do" it's him say, "I know that's what I need to do..." and then not following through with it, you know? I'm not trying to tell him what's best for him- he knows what's best, he tells me what he needs to do and he's not doing it.
and thank you, he is quite handsome :)
@adamcieslicki@xanga - ah yes, and we have talked about it, but it's difficult because I don't want him to think that I'm putting any more pressure on him because I know how stressed out he is. I have made sure to tell him how I feel, and he's responded with more or less, "I know what I need to do, it's just kind of hard right now" and I accept that... because I have to. I don't know, I trust him, and I trust that he'll do the right thing, but I can't make him or ask him to- he needs to do it in his own time, and I suppose I just need to wait it out. I just hope that he actually does...
hey listen, if you love somebody, truly truly love them, then it doesnt matter what they do.
its his life, let him live it the way he wants to.
you cant say you dont love him anymore, because love never fails. if thats the case, then you didnt love him in the first place.
love is when you dont care about what you get, as long as the other person is happy. love is selfless.
right?
dont worry about him, if hes happy, why would you want to ruin that? dont do anything to hurt his happiness....if you love him, you should want him to be happy
@SamBarger@xanga - Just gonna say...that's very naiive. I miss those days
Love isn't always enough.
I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 2 years. I still love the guy. Does that mean I should go back to him? Nope. He didn't hit me but he was very manipulative and controlling. Not good.
Oh, man. That's tough. I'm sure you only want what's best for him, which is understandable. But at the same time, you need to be careful before you end up sounding like that nagging girlfriend that every man runs away from. If anything, you can let him learn his lesson on his own, but be there to support him either way. I don't think any man wants to feel like his girlfriend is pressuring him to be a better man so that it reflects better on her. He'll just have to man up and work hard because HE wants to. If you push the issue too much and pressure him too hard, he'll end up resenting you.
But anyway, good luck with this, and I hope you find contentment soon. =]
I'd see how he does in the next semester, and decide. Love is very rarely unconditional after all.
@mystic_sapphire@xanga - no offence, but that seems like an extreme. is he supposed to imagine his motivation?
@monke_man - Huh? What extreme? Can you elaborate?
@mystic_sapphire@xanga - nevermind, i lost my focus.
she should support him with some affection to keep him going, so he knows she's there and she means it. it's tempting to stay cold and leave him to his own devices, but that's guaranteed not to work. keep in mind, you need to try to see past any irritable moods, they happen to all of us (even you, admit it). throw him a bone every once in a while. try to help get him started. he'd do the same for you, if you know what i mean.
I would just point out what he already knows and be honest about my feelings. Yes, I would break up with someone who wasn't living up to my standards. That's why the are there. I can't commit my life to someone who is going to drag me down with them. I want someone to complement me, not someone that I have to take care of like a child. Love isn't enough when it comes to adult relationships anymore. Really, the creepy peeping tom across town may claim that he loves you, does that mean you should go out with him? I didn't think so. I would let them make their own decisions but just let them know that bad decisions have bad consequences. I told my boyfriend we could go out for as long as both of us are willing but unless he steps up his game and acts more like an adult, he will not be marrying material.
@monke_man - This reminds me of training a puppy. Or a horse, which floats your boat ;)
@Cest_LaxVie@xanga - heck yeah engineers ftw! lol
@T0m03@xanga - see, this pretty much sums up how I feel, thanks for putting it correctly :)
Dang, that sounds familiar. My boyfriend partied his whole freshman year of college. He's very smart as well and is also in engineering, which is a demanding major. He barely passed and was very careless. His professors mentioned how GPA is very important and now he's starting to get back on track. I think he just had to get it all out of his system. lol
Maybe he's going through a phase. I wouldn't break up with him. I say, just support him and set a good example. People tend to mock those who are important in their life.
@mystic_sapphire@xanga - wow. wow. no sympathy ;).
i hear you- i, too, feel that when someone is not living up to my expectations, that's a poor reflection on me because i "chose" them. however, i once stayed in a relationship waaaaaayyy too long because i was embarrassed to break it off and admit my "defeat" in judging his character. soooo it may not be the healthiest thing.
i'm on the side of people telling you to hang in there. everybody has rough spots. two things to consider:
1. is he still making you happy? do you enjoy hanging out with him? if the answer if yes, you have no reason to break up- your relationship is still rewarding to both of you, so even if you maybe don't admire him as much, you can still love him and get a lot of our your relationship.
2. even if he isn't making you happy right at this very moment...if you want a forever relationship, there will be hard times and bad times, and the other person will have low points in their life that you will have to help them through. so long as they haven't fallen in too badly (ie, if his new friends were drug dealers/he got thrown in jail/he became a raging alcoholic), usually support is the best thing for anybody, rather than an ultimatum. if you can demonstrate your faith in his ability to succeed, that will probably have a more positive influence than requesting that he change his behavior
that's my take on things, at least, though it can be a sticky situation. good luck!
Sorry to say but to me it seems like he may be a bit insecure fulfilling those BIG SHOES [that he IS capable of] and may be going through some depression. Just support him the best you can & if you feel at all like you are sacrificing yourself for him and he's not willing to work on it then you would be better off withut him
Good luck honey