Wednesday, 20 January 2010
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Actual or False Modesty
I have a couple of questions for Datingish readers. While it is obviously true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, have you ever met someone who is apparently attractive but:
1) Makes out that they really aren't in order to fish for compliments and get affirmation from you regarding their attractiveness
or
2) Really doesn't believe they are attractive and/or downplays their level of attractiveness and consequently put themselves down and are genuinely surprised when you tell them that they really are attractive?
Based on the above, what do consider worse: actual or false modesty and why?
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About the Author
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- From: hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga
- About Me: Jan-Wouter Stigter and Miriam Cassar write their stories connected with the songs they post for the next hundred days.
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Comments (38)
I think there's a fair bit of overlap. If you're fishing for compliments, you're obviously not that convinced your beauty is evident.
I don't think either is that bad, but eventually reassurance should cancel them both out.
FALSE modesty is terrible and will cause me to roll my eyes walk away from you.
I'm not going to build you up if you're just going to knock yourself down.
Some people don't liek to hear how pretty you think they are. But, it's gets annoying when they keep talking about it like, "OMG, you think I'm pretty? I really don't! I mean, look at this hair! And my skin- ugh!" and keeps going and going, THAT's when it's obviously fishing for compliments. Not everybody needs reaffirmation that they're pretty. It's not all about looks and maybe that's not what they want you to like them for and focus on.
false modesty, but I don't think either type listed is modesty. I think modesty is being comfortable with yourself and not putting on airs. which isn't the same as being suprised or shocked by compliments.
i've met both.. 1st one more annoying to me
I'm a weird blend of 1 and two..
Part of me can see that I'm relatively attractive and the other part thinks I'm downright ugly.
I hate it though and I wish that my looks weren't so important to me; after all, they're going to be gone sooner than later anyway.
Situation#2
guy:"your fine."
#2 is probably thinking "oh thanks. Are you gonna buy me a pony too?"
instead says"no. im not."or just "thanks"
Fishing is when compliments are ellicited...
exp. "do i look......
To make a statemnet on how you think you look is totally different!
I think there needs to be a gray area. A little bit of both is good.
False modesty.
I'd actually prefer someone who has an awesome personality and doesn't care too much about what people think of how they look.
I mean, neither is better or worse. Is it so bad to be sure of yourself? If you are attractive and don't believe you are, well is that any way to live? As long as you're not fishing for compliments! though some people need that....but it is always good to learn how to be comfortable yourself without seeking the approval of others, and neither of those two options are doing that.
@emptypersonas@xanga - but what else do you expect them to say? yes, I'm beautiful.
For me, I *know* I'm attractive, just like I *know* that the war of 1812 happened. I don't feel that I'm attractive however, so if people compliment me, I'm more likely to downplay it. SO SUE ME!
you forgot to pose the question: how do you tell the difference?
i think i'm relatively attractive; some other people think so, too, while others do not. if they compliment me, i say, "thank you". why is this so hard?
@UknowWutsux@xanga - Yeah, actually. Or thank you.
I'm not one to chase. If you wanna go ahead and tell think you're ugly after someone says you're not, after someone attempts to make you feel good about yourself, I'm not gonna stand there and try to change your mind for you.
@emptypersonas@xanga - lol, yea, thank you is a good one...i usually go with that after a compliments, but the thing is I feel bad for getting compliments in a way even if I believe they're somewhat true on occasion you know?
I think they are both about equal because the way you put it, both types are insecure.
One, you said is seeking affirmation, the other, has no clue that they are attractive at all.
I think that's equally sad, that A, people have to fish for compliments like that and B, people have such low self-esteem.
Neither type really bothers me, though.
I'm type B, I guess.
It irritates me when people try and tell me I'm attractive 'cause I can't help thinking they're lying and just trying to be nice.
Yeah, I know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so just 'cause I think I'm ugly doesn't mean everyone does.
But it still bugs me, anyway.
@UknowWutsux@xanga - Yeah, I do get what you mean. But like, if someone gives you a compliment I really think you should try and see what they see, ya know? Cos they're a completely different person and they see you in a way that you can't.
It also feels really good to say "Yeah, you're right!" because you can learn about yourself and other people too. Even if you DO feel bad sometimes, you really shouldn't because that's not anybody's intention if they're complementing you. You should always take the opportunity to feel good about yourself and push that guilt (or whatever feeling you get) aside. :)
I don't know what category I would fall under...
I think I am attractive, but it always makes me uncomfortable when people comment on it, so I pretend like I don't think I am because I don't want to sound conceited. I guess it's false modesty, but I'm not the kind of person who fishes for compliments either...i backhand compliment people who fish for compliments. :P
Well... false modesty is bad and speaks ill of the character of the person fishing, but actual modesty where people don't seem to be able to see their own beauty is bad if it's gotten by being told they aren't what they are, or constant comparisons by themselves or other people.
I think false modesty is worse, I can't find exceptions for that one.
I'd be surprised if a good looking male thought he was unattractive. Maybe that's because I know little about guys.
I grew up being told constantly that I was ugly by my family and when someone says I'm beautiful I feel like they're the ones being phony.
Girl: "I just realized I'm not good at anything."
Me: "Nonsense, everyone has to be good at something."
Girl: "But I'm really not, like, at all."
Boy: "You're good at something!"
Girl: "What?"
Boy: "Compliment fishing.."
- Kunoichi
@KrazeeKunoichi009@xanga - That's pretty fcked up for someone that's genuine though. They'd be pretty pissed. =|