Alright, so not every relationship disaster can be traced back to this. However, a lot of them can.
Our society seems to have this idea that instead of being individuals, people are grouped into two categories: male and female. There are offshoot categories, as well, but those are not the ones I am talking about today. They can fit into what I'm talking about, though.
Human beings, while we are male or female, we are still all individuals. What causes a lot of confusion seems to be men wanting to figure women out and women wanting to figure men out and neither knowing how or being successful. Men don't know what to do to "make a woman happy" in a relationship, and a lot of women don't know what to do to keep their men "happy" in a relationship.
I think that often times this can be figured out a lot more easily than one might think. Stop thinking of your SO in terms of having one brain with all of his or her gender. Women do not all share a collective brain, and neither do men. Men and women are individuals. What makes one woman happy, very well might irritate another woman.
For example, the idea that chivalry is dead. A lot of women are upset with this idea, because a lot of women like for the man to be chivalrous. However, there are just as many women who do not like it when a man is chivalrous at all. Others are content with some form of happy medium.
This is not because women share a collective mind, it isn't because women are hormonal, it isn't because women can't MAKE UP their minds. It is because women are individuals.
Men are the same way. They are individuals. They don't have a lack of hormones, they don't have a lack of feelings, they don't share a collective mind. They are individuals. Sometimes, the way they act can be attributed to society's idea of how a man should act (and women are susceptible to the same kind of societal conditioning), and sometimes simply by the area they live in. But, they are not all the same.
I see too many posts on Xanga, especially on Datingish and Lovelyish talking about men or women in a collective sense, rather than an individual sense. Which is really the sense that we need to be talking about them in, on either side.
If you want to find out what makes your woman happy, then get to know her as an individual. That is the fastest and the best and the most accurate way to figure out how to understand her, how to help her be happy and how help her grow as a person.
And if you want to know how to make or keep your man happy, women just think of them on an individual level. Get to know them as an individual so that you can understand them better and then you will understand better what will make and keep them happy, and help him grow as a person as well.
It will definitely take work, but it is worth it and you will both have a stronger bond, as well.
To me, this is very simple. But, apparently, to some people it almost seems like rocket science. I can't imagine why. I guess, society likes to group us off and we just follow along. But, we need to stop this. Getting to know each other as individuals is really what is going to stop the major amount of relationship problems that I keep hearing about and seeing.
No, it is not a quick fix. And no, it will not help every problem and doing this will not help every relationship to be successful. But, it might help a lot of people experience longer-lasting, more comfortable and more enjoyable relationships.
Thoughts?
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Comments (22)
Good post. :) The best, easiest and simplest way to find out what makes your SO happy is to sit down and talk to them and ask them "What do you want out of this relationship, what do you want from me?"
It's stupid to walk in the dark without a flashlight.
I think you got to the heart of the matter everyone is different...everyone expects different things....I agree with comment above me to ask the person what do you want or expect from me... then there is less guess work involved & you both have a better understanding of each other & what to expect
I wish that this was common sense.
Absolutley agree. This is a great post. People should realise this. Everyone is an individual and like different things when it comes to anything in life. People should communicate and get to know each other so they know what the other person likes.
I think the pictures says alot about how we assume as a culture ^_^ . I personally have a tendency to develop a first impression of people, and think certain way about them. Though, over time, some of these notions gets removed or stay cemented. In terms of relationship, I think this method works most of the time. Though, I felt that if anyone or someone is ridiculously annoyed or angry at certain things, it may be likely take out their frustration on someone else.
So, I think it would be best if people think about what really matter to themselves before anything or their anger management problems...
I think almost everyone knows to treat individuals as individuals.
The problem lies in situations where a person doesn't have a specific individual in mind. What sense is a man to talk about women in when he knows he wants one but doesn't have a clue who he wants specifically?
sure.
Another problem is when people dont know who they are, or what they expect. I think the problem lies in me, but most women i pick are very fake; could read a script and make them happy. I get bored after the first 2 weeks and disconnect, whether there was sex involved or not.
I dont want someone who agrees with everything i say, i dont like to fight but i do like a mild conflict on a weekly basis to show me something new or atleast show me that their human.
Ugh. I have this argument too much. We need a middle ground. Yes, we need to recognize that people are individuals. But we also need to be able to generalize so that we can give one idea that will work for 75% of the population instead of 100 different ideas. Be proud of yourself, but also be proud of your gender, stereotypes and all.
(And if it doesn't apply to you, ignore it. That's what I do.)
I agree and disagree with this. yes we are all individuals, not all men are the same and neither are all women. But there definitely exists different patterns of thinking more common in men than in women and vice versa. And there is definitely enough of this to group people like that.
For example, I don't know a single woman, despite what she may have said at any point in time, that does not appreciate a bouquet of roses (so long as they're not from some creepy stalker).
@lewk@xanga - mmm i dunno. i've seen people still use these stereotypes even when they are in a relationship, especially in the beginning before they get really comfortable.
@UknowWutsux@xanga - this is true. women can have babies, and men cannot. our brains are biologically different, and so is our bone and muscle structure, and anyone who says differently is pretty much lying at this point- too many studies have shown that, on average, men and women think in different ways. however, the within-groups differences are greater than the between-groups differences, meaning that the most "masculine" woman and the most "feminine" woman will be much more different from each other than your "average" man and woman.
@Katja88@xanga - I've been using that advice in parentheses all my life, it apparently makes people think I'm a hypocrite, a liar, a homosexual or just arrogant; none of those apply either.
@UknowWutsux@xanga - ...(so long as they're not from some creepy stalker)." Unfortunate, some of the most empathetic males who will not compromise on character naturally assume that role; as others in their environment(s) would/will not tolerate an unwilling to be compromised character.
Siiiii.
tomato tomatoe.
it still feels weird when my friend-girls open the door for me. it's like an automatic programming saying that i'm supposed to be the one. door should just all be automatic :P
I know something that we can ALL agree on as a collective:
Bitches be crazy.
lol amirite?
- Kunoichi
They key is in communicating your feelings. sounds like common sense but i promise its not. i struggle with this everyday. trying to act like i have it all together when really i am losing it mentally. it ends up making me explode. you have to talk to each other and all of this can be avoided most of the time
I totally agree! I sometimes read articles about what men are supposed to do to impress women, and while some of them seem like they might work for me, there are others that make me think, "EW!!! If a man did that to me, I'd run away screaming!" I hate it when I think someone is trying to win me over based on what they think women as a whole want rather than what I, as an individual want. It's like I'm already in a box before the guy even gets to know me.
i totally agree with you.
i hate when some one says to me, "oh come on be a man, do it!" it anoys me because im like
dude, not all guys are the same, right?
idk. but your totally right =D
agreed! rec'd.
thank you
GAH, THANK YOU!!
Every time I would have some sort of problem it was always "err... sorry, I guess I don't really know how to treat women..." or something to that affect.
It all revolves back to something I always talk about.
A lot of the men (and women) that I come across love their significant other BECAUSE they're their significant other... rather than keeping the person as their significant other BECAUSE they love them. Generalizations of gender do not mix well with a relationship. blaaahahahahhhh.
Thank god, someone with a brain... Just, uh, don't tell the zombies. :P
buuut... women DONT know what they want...