Wednesday, 20 January 2010

• How To Have Sex In The Fitting Room

  Recently, my wife and I took advantage of the privacy of a department store fitting room for a quickie, while we were buying clothing.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  Let me get one thing out there: I'm no exhibitionist.  I have no desire to be caught "in the act," and while the risk of being caught can get the ol' adrenaline pumping, it also makes me incredibly nervous.  My wife is braver than I in such things, but she's not interested in getting caught either.  If you're like us, and you like the idea of sex beyond the bedroom, but have no desire for sex in a public place to become public sex, we have a few tips for you.
  
  --Timing
  
  We find that the Golden Hour for Fitting Room Sex is roughly an hour before closing.  Too early, and there's still a lot of shoppers around.  Too late, and the staff starts checking the fitting rooms.  If the store closes at 9, aim for about 8 o'clock.  In addition, the time of year can be a factor: right now, during the mid-January slump in shopping, is a really good time.  But you probably don't want to be trying it during the Christmas Rush.
  
  --Isolation
  
  Wait until the fitting room is empty.  Those walls don't go all the way to the ceiling, and sound carries.  If you've mastered Step One, this actually won't be so hard.  You might even want to wait until the section is empty.
  
  --Location, Location, Location
  
  Know your department store.  Scout out its various fitting rooms.  Certain fitting rooms will be more isolated than others: at our local Macy's they have a fitting room in the coat section.  Why do they need a fitting room in the coat section, since anyone trying on a coat can do that in public?  I don't know, but as such, there's a fitting room that no-one ever uses.  Avoid rooms that are close to the entrance or in high-traffic area.  Avoid fitting rooms with doors that don't come all the way to the floor.  Look for security cameras in the actual fitting rooms, and if there are, obviously you won't want to use that one.  (Check for hidden ones behind mirrors, too.)  Look for signs that say "You are under surveillance," because the store legally has to put those up if they're going to put cameras in the stalls.
  
  Some fitting rooms have a motion sensor over the entrance, which makes a chime whenever someone comes in.  These are great, because if anyone comes into the fitting room area, you'll have warning.
  
  --Be Casual
  
  If you look like you're sneaking your way into the fitting rooms, the staff's schenanigans detector will go off.  Do some actual shopping.  Pick out some clothes you want to try on.  Don't go straight to the fitting room, wander around a bit first.  Actually buy something--even if it's something cheap--when you leave.
  
  Don't bother trying to sneak in one-by-one.  Just go in together.  I find that, if the fitting room you're using is a Men's fitting room, it's less suspicious: this is a stereotype, but a woman is more likely to go into a fitting room with her male SO to help him pick clothing, while men rarely go into a fitting room with their female SO except under duress.  The men's suit department gets infrequent traffic.
  
  Try to keep up scattered conversation during the whole thing: "I like this one," "That color doesn't look right," "This is too loose on me."  If anyone's listening, this will defuse suspicion.  Of course, it can be hard to keep conversation up once the breathing gets faster, but do what you can.
  
  --Be Prepared
  
  Let's say, worst-case scenario.  The staff knows what you're up to, and they're upset, and they're trying to catch you in the act.  (I don't think this would ever actually happen, but let's say.)  What then?
  
  Well, you've got a lock on the door.  You've got your alibi--the clothes you brought in with you, supposedly (or actually) to be tried on.  And, if you're prepared, by the time they've got the lock open, you'll be dressed.  Wear easily accessible clothing (sweatpants, skirts, etc.), and don't fully undress during the act.  Remember that, technically, you are in a "public" place, even with the locked doors and privacy.  You could in theory be charged with "public indecency."  (Though why that's public indecency but it's not when you get undressed in there is beyond me.)
  
  --Be Clean
  
  Nobody likes the idea of someone else's mess being in the public places they frequent.  Respect that. Pack in some moist wipes or disinfectant and clean up after yourselves.
  
  For your own cleanliness, pick positions that minimize skin contact with surfaces: Dancer, Standing Doggy, or Cowgirl work well.  A fitting room isn't as messy as, say, a public bathroom--which is one reason I vastly prefer fitting rooms to bathrooms--but all the same, it's good to keep clean.
  
  
  Those are our tips for Fitting Room Sex.  Be careful, have fun... and good luck!
  
  Have you ever had sex in a fitting room or public place?
  

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