Tuesday, 19 January 2010
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Loneliness vs. Sex
My friends Carla and John have been together for 2 years until recently, they officially broke up. Now when Carla had told me the details, I was kinda surprised by what Carla had told me.
She told me that John was willing to give up sex, just so they could still be together.
My friend Carla realized that whenever her and John got together, it was out of convenience of loneliness. Because whenever one of them were lonely, it was okay to cuddle, hug and kiss. But she couldn't go any further than that anymore. Her and John stopped saying "I love you," (mostly because Carla realized her feelings for John were dying) and stopped having sex. It would've been 3 weeks without sex for them. When Carla discussed the situation with John, he said it's okay cause he felt bad pressuring her to have sex with him, and Carla told him that it's not okay because she felt bad that she couldn't give that to him anymore. Right then and there, when she decided to break up with him, he begged her to stay. Then Carla explained that it's not fair to the both of them. It's not fair for them to feel bad for one another. She also told him that the period of abstinence could be so long that one of them could cheat on each other and that's the last thing she wanted. She also told him that, it's going to be difficult to go through the feeling of loneliness, but they had to learn how to be independent.
Carla then told me that she would rather go through the loneliness then have a false relationship. The relationship was based on false affection.
ANYWAYS the real questions are.. Would you be willing to give up sex with your SO, just so you could be together, like John would have? What is the fine line between love and convenience? Would you rather be lonely or just have someone to cuddle (with no sex)?
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- From: BebePnai13@xanga
- About Me: judge me and i'll be sure not to fit the perception. I am no longer 13. I am sorry that my username is very odd, forgive my innocence. I am a proud xanga member. And I will read and write whatever the hell I want. call me char/charissey :)
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Comments (47)
Hm, I believe that if I truly cared for someone I could definitely go without sex. After all, you don't necessarily need sex if you know how to use your hands. Hahaha. No, but in all seriousness I would totally be willing to give up sex for the person I loved... At least I'd try my absolute best.
An LDR is a little like this I suppose
sounds like an example of a very long, loving, trusting relationship. it's too bad you got bored of the sex with each other, but you learn these things with heavy experiance. it's unfortunate when it gets to that point. but yeah, this would definitely be the one big dealbreaker for a relationship with me though.
I've been in two LDR's over the past 3 years.
Giving up the sex is no where near as hard as losing the love.
Whether or not I'd give up sex depends on my age, the reasoning behind the change, and the relationship I had with my SO.
I wouldn't give it up to keep someone with me after their feelings left the relationship, as per the example. Yeah, I'd be lonely (because I thrive on love), but it wouldn't be worth it because chances are the relationship would eventually die off anyway.
I could give up sex, if the reason was right. In this case it's not. Like the old song says, breaking up is hard to do. It involves sorrow, loss and loneliness. Staying with the SO without the sex in order to not face the loneliness is tempting, but in the long term counter productive. It's a necessary step towards healing and moving on. While I would try not to be mean about it, I would definitely tell this boy to move on.
Sex isnt the most important part of a relationship. If there was some reason (be it medical or psychological) that i had to give up sex for awhile, I could do it.
In this case it didnt really have to do with sex. The girl lost feelings for the guy and decided to end the relationship, the guy in a desperate attempt to keep the relationship bargained for no sex. But the guy clearly misunderstood the point of the break up. Does he really want to be in a relationship where the other person has no feelings? No. But losing someone you care about hurts and when you get hurt you dont always think rationally at first.
I've seen people pursue a relationship not because they really care or have a strong attraction to the person but because having someone, anyone, around is better than being alone. And thats defiantly a big red flag!
Sex < Love
if you really loved someone, not being able to make love with the other won't matter that much
I could pick one of my pals to cuddle with.
But that's beside the point. In this situation, I believe she did the right thing for the both of them, she didn't want him anymore, and he wanted her enough to go without it. I think if it's a mutual thing for both parties involved, abstaining from sex wouldn't be bad for a relationship. Like many have said, it's not needed in a relationship to function.
i think i could for a little while but not forever and id feel like she didtn care after a while. its kinda like a long distance relationship where you see each other. it ultimately cant work since you dont have any real feelings other than friendship because even though you are kissin and cuddling at one point you would continue to drift apart
he must really like her, huh?
I don't think sex should define any serious relationships. I would hope it is more than sex that makes the relationship meaningful. Rather than defining the relationship because of the comfort and convenience that person provide when you are lonely, I think it should be knowing that this person your with is forever meant to be.
1) yes
2) there is no line 'in between' the ideas are mutually exclusive3) i'd rather have the girl. but then again i'm asexual so... not exactly fair.im religious and he's not
so we DONT have sexand he was tight with that(we've broken up sense but notbecause of that)I went without sex the first 19 years of my life, I'm sure I could do it again. I have been in 3 serious relationships, and only had sex with my husband, and only after he was my husband. Abstaining now would be hard, but if there was a medical reason, I could do it.
Yea I think it's totally possible. In fact, I would point to parents as an example... as far as I know. Okay, I don't want to think about this ever again, tyvm!
But I dunno. I guess it depends on how far along in the relationship one has been in? I'd miss the intimacy of the act, but I'm sure I could live without it. The personality is more than the person (physical). Cheers
It just depends on the individual. For her, sex was an important part of a healthy relationship. He didn't seem to mind as much as long as they were just together.
well if i was actually in a relationship with someone and not just hooking up when we were lonely or whatever then i'd be fine giving up sex for some time.... But in my life, lonliness is a bitch and having a friend with benefits is a good distraction and I'm not one to jump into an actual official relationship just cuz it's convienent (sp) because relationships are too damn messy
@LupusInvictus@xanga - what's LDR?
@CrAdLe2daGrAve@xanga - Long distance relationship
My ex couldn't handle losing the sex from our relationship; and I had medical reasons I couldn't give it up anymore. When I made it known to him that I needed that space he walked and never came back; oh except to ask for some more sex. So the fact that this guy will take it is amazing, your friend needs to think about this before this guy finds someone new.
I don't understand. Why would you want to date someone that doesn't want to have sex with you anymore? Especially if they used to want to. If it's a physical condition, I understand...but I generally believe that once the sex goes, the relationship will soon follow.
At least, that's sort of what I gathered from my last breakup. I stopped wanting to have sex with him (which is pretty rare for me, because I always want to have sex), which basically meant that I wasn't attracted to him anymore.
I mean, we can argue this point in another post, but I think that the only difference really between a friendship and a relationship is sexual attraction. You can call it whatever else you want, but that's what defines it for me. Without it, then you're better off being friends.
i'd rather be alone than unhappy.
Relationships should be about love, so yeah, I could go without sex... but you also said her feelings for him were dying, and I couldn't go without the emotional connection.
I don't think it's a fine line between love and convenience. Love can be very inconvenient, or it can be very convenient. It's not a matter of ease.
I'd rather have someone to cuddle if I loved them. I'd rather be lonely if I didn't.