Tuesday, 19 January 2010
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Dating for Keeps
If the essential goal of dating is to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, what is the point of wasting your time on someone you know you don’t want to marry?
Let me give you some background: I’m a 20-year-old woman and have been dating my boyfriend (22) for a little over 3 months. Despite the fact that he is my first boyfriend, our relationship has gotten serious pretty fast. We have talked extensively about our hypothetical future together, on subjects like moving in together, marriage, kids, etc.
I lost (I think gave is a more appropriate term) my virginity to him and we have a great sex life. We have similar thoughts and beliefs on many important subjects and the same values and morals.
What bothers me, though, are our differences. We have very little in common in terms of hobbies, personal interests, taste in music, etc. He grew up in a small town in a military family, thoroughly Christian and Republican. (Despite the way his parents raised him, however, he has become his own person and has formed his own beliefs separate from those of his family.) I grew up in a big city in a liberal, Jewish family.
His parents believe in corporal punishment, mine don’t. His parents think college is a possibility, mine think it is a necessity. His parents value (what they like to call) happiness, mine value success. His parents were very young when they had two unplanned pregnancies, my parents got married in their late 20s and had my brothers and me very much on purpose.
Essentially, I am worried that we are fundamentally incompatible. We come from such different backgrounds and were instilled with very different ideas about the world, education, families, and raising children (not to mention the fact that our lack of common interests bothers me, too).
My boyfriend tells me he loves me all the time and I think he is convinced I am the woman he wants to marry. I enjoy spending time with him and he is truly the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, but if I am already doubting our relationship, is it right for me to keep dating him?
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- From: gildedbutterfly
- Name: gildedbutterfly
- About Me: i love rhymes, dance, psychology, music, humor, romantic comedies, books, and buying people presents
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Comments (68)
Communicate your doubts to him. Have a mature conversation about all those things that you wrote about in the post. Think about what you would be willing to compromise on.
Relationships require work, communication, understanding, and compromise, as well as affection, passion, and stability.
My husband and I are complete opposites, I mean seriously on other ends of the spectrum. We've been married over 6 years, together for 9.
Being different isn't really a bad thing as long as you can compromise and work together despite those differences. If you can't then yeah, the relationship will crash and burn sometime down the road.
Depends. I'm all right with relationships that are questionable since I'm 19 and I have plenty of time to get married. I won't dump a guy because I can't see myself marrying him, but eventually I'll have to end the fun if he's just not up to par.
I don't think these count as doubts on the relationship, so much as they are legitimate concerns regarding issues that you will have to talk about. Keep in mind that you could very well find some other guy who is seemingly compatible with you, similar background, etc.... but you may not find the same kind of relationship that you have found with this guy. By all accounts it's best to know what you believe and value and have honest discussions together about it. Good luck :)
Three months is nothing, did he propose to you yet? If not then all your conversations are a big fat nothing. If you want to you can make a marriage differences or no differences but both people have to be in it to make it work.
it's all about you in this situation.. you've gotta decide if he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. you can't just marry him because that's what he wants and where he is in his life irght now. you're so young with so many opportunities to see other men in your lifetime... slow it down, 3 months shouldn't leave you thinking about marriage regularly! i dated someone six years older than me and he told me the same sort of things after a month of dating. i broke up with him for someone less serious. it was the best decisoin i've ever made, i still care about the older guy but after the distance i realized his problem is that he's tunnel visioned on marriage.. i want marriage to be a product of a wonderful relationship.. not the purpose of meeting people and going on fun dates. i'd rather marriage be a coincidence than the reason i go on a date. hope that helps!
@planetx@xanga - Completely agree
Also, you're so young yet you're so serious to settle down. I mean, having the one you love forever and ever is awesome, dont get me wrong. But you've been in one relationship, how do you know that's what you want? Which brings me to your very first question. Dating isn't purposeless. It's a way for you to understand different types of people, their habits, their way of thinking, which will incidentally make you a more well-rounded person. Once that happens you should be able to make your decision on who you want to marry. My aunt and uncle met in high school and have been together ever since, so I dont doubt relationships that are so strong...but from my point of view, I think you should just be having fun with him right now instead of worrying, and weeding out all the bad points of the relationship.
Your concern about only dating someone you can marry is causing you to look at every little bad thing and consider it "the thing that could make you totally incompatible."
Try to take some more time not worrying about marriage and just have fun. You can figure out if you are going to get married later :) There is nothing wrong with spending a few years in a good relationship then breaking up.
You mentioned a lot about what his parents believe and value, but that doesn't necessarily mean he will believe those things too. If you and his parents get along that's great but in the end you aren't marrying them. And if they really do value happiness then they should love whoever makes him happy. Don't worry about the differences in hobbies etc. between the two of you. The longer you stay together the more things you'll find in common, and probably make some common hobbies together.
The most important thing to do is not to make rash decisions - and judging from your background I don't think you will end up doing that. It's good to think about the future, but don't over plan. There is nothing wrong with talking about marriage or your ideas on kids names, weddings, honeymoons, etc. when you are in love, but when you start planning out specific dates for these things and you've only been dating a few months - that's too far.
It's important to be financially stable before you get married, or move in together. Speaking of which, couples who move in together are more than 50% likely to get divorced than those who don't (look it up), so that's something to think about when you're contemplating your future.
All in all, it's good that you recognize these differences, I don't think they are deal breakers, but as people have said, talk it out and give it time. It's great that you are in love so deeply at 3 months. Over the next year you will learn if you can tolerate each other's differences or even come together on them. Good luck!
I've got to be honest, I think you're crazy for thinking about this stuff after only being together for three months. You need to sit back and enjoy your relationship for what it is. Get to know him and his family with no expectations in mind. A lot of the things you listed seem to have to do with his parents and not him as an individual, so maybe you should focus less on where he came from, and focus more on who he is now.
Like someone above said, I don't think the things you listed are necessarily deal breakers. However, stop trying to make this decision now! After three months, you've probably barely scratched the surface of discovering who your boyfriend really is. In time, you'll get a clearer, more accurate picture of who he is, at which point you'll be able to reasonably answer the "marriage" question.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - agreed
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - nicely put
i feel like you shouldn't be doubting your relationship of only a few months for these reasons while you're going strong. i also think a person's views aren't set in stone just because of their parents, and that a person's view on an issue can change instantaneously. we live in a different generation, i'd say his friends and the company he keeps would be more of a reflection of his views. you could also talk to him about this, as long as you don't do it in a way that gives him a reason to worry about how he should answer. your goal is to get sincere replies after all.
live in the moment. relationships end so easily nowadays, why think about this as a reason while you guys are going strong? if something bothers you, i think its simpler to just communicate a way to work around the issues instead of expressing so much pessimism about some conflict that you think could be a problem. at the same time, since you two are so different, and this is completly up to you, you could take things slow and maybe wait an exceptionally long time before considering something like, ugh, marriage. why are you considering marriage anyway? i mean, you're both so young, and at three months, do you guys even live together?
overall, my advice to you is relax, take it slow, enjoy the good times, and if you guys last a few years or a few months, mazel tov.
I disagree that the point of dating is to find a marriage partner. I think it's to have some nice romantic fun, and if you find someone to spend the rest of your life with, that's great. It's too much pressure on people to be constantly wondering if you'll get married. Just enjoy each other! I'd say, as long as you love each other, stay together. The things that bother you may or may not end up being issues, so just wait and see. If you fall out of love with each other, then go your separate ways. If you stay in love, then stay together and get married if you want.
For God's sake woman - it's not where you come from but where you are that counts. And you said yourself you have similar morals and values! And you have a good sex life. What. Is. The. Problem. Seriously!
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
One of my friends has everything in common with her boyfriend. EVERYTHING. She says something, he agrees, he says something, she agrees. And it's not because they're together. They were like this before they even liked each other, back when she thought he was uber annoying and he barely tolerated her. They have one of the most boring relationships I've ever seen.
Now, I like arguments. I like disagreements. I couldn't stand a guy that agreed with everything I said. I think it's important for us to agree on the main subjects (i.e. Religion, politics, family, marriage, etc.), and as long as we have a semi-common ground in music and movies, everything would be great. I'm perfectly happy to argue Taylor Swift vs. Disturbed, and agree to disagree.
So I think it really has a lot to do with the two of you, and your personalities than it has to do with anything else. By all means, talk to him about it.
If you both truly want a future, you can work around these issues. Takes a lot of effort, but it IS possible.
As for dating someone you don't foresee having a future with, that's a no-go in my book. I'm over dating just for the fun, I don't have time to waste like that!
This seems to be a two-part post.
First, what's the point of dating around if you know you aren't going to get married soon/to that person? Experience and happiness. I value what you might call the experiences of life very highly. I think a big part of that is dating (different from sleeping) around. How do you know what kind of person you truly want to be with if you've only been with one or two? Sure, you can get along great with other people and maybe you have a good couple of months/years together. But I don't like the thoughts of "What if..." when it comes to relationships.
If dating him makes you happy, don't worry about the differences and just be happy. When dating him stops making you happy, stop dating him and find someone else. It's not really all that hard. Maybe this is just what I've seen, but everyone falls pretty hard for their first real gf/bf. Hell, I did with mine and I was only 16 when we started what would be a 1.5 year relationship.
Frankly, anyone who dates solely to find a marriage partner is probably having a horrible time dating. Dating is also meant to just be fun, while finding that special someone is most times and unexpected but wonderful surprise. So date who makes you happy, break up with those who don't.
do what feels right and the rest just works. but honestly 3 months- not long enough to think your in love, sorry.
@mcmeister89@mancouch - so true. & seriously, dating helps you to find yourself, who you are, what you want, etc. every person you come in contact with, friends or partners teach you things & bring different experiences into your life that you would never have found had you not tried something/ someone different. dating should never be thought of for only the purpose of marriage. it should be fun, exciting & life changing.
everything you listed is "HIS FAMILY"
is it him? you say he formed his own opinions. so you're scared of his fam NOT him.
keep dating him he seems like a great guy for you
Quite frankly, I don't know what I would find exciting or interesting about a guy who has everything in common with me. It's nice to be able to relate to each other on certain terms but being with someone and caring about them is accepting their differences and understanding why they are the way they are and being in awe every time you learn something new about them.
Don't base your relationship solely on what differences your families may have because when you love someone, (maybe you're not there yet), you love that person for who they are and how meaningful they make your life become. Just love him and forget the rest. Hopefully everything else will fall into place.
You've listed differences in parents and backgrounds, but not in HIM and his personality. If it's his parents that worry you and not him, chill out.
Even if you're dating with the eventual goal of marriage three months is WAY too early to start talking about a future together--way, way, way to early. You're both way to young for that. You are both changing as people and figuring out who you want to be and how you want your lives to go.
That said, if your doubts about the relationship stem from his actions making you unhappy, not his background as his parents, yes, you may want to call it quits.
everything u said was about your parents... maybe you should come up with your own values and thoughts so that you can make your own decisions about what you believe in...you might be surprised
As @astudyinemerald@xanga noted, all I saw in the "differences" column was his parents this and his parents that. You're not in a relationship with his parents so I don't see why his parents' views are such a big deal. I think you should keep dating him, but not with marriage in mind. Get to know his views a little better, get to know the both of you as a couple better. I think 3 months is too early to think about marriage.
My boyfriend and I have very different hobbies and tastes too, and we've been dating for 1 year and 7 months. We gave our virginity to each other. We're in love, and we plan on getting married and having kids, etc.
What I'm worried about is why you are even questioning the relationship. Just because you have different tastes doesn't mean you're not compatible, in fact, it may make you more compatible. If you two can compromise to deal with things like "we'll see your movie choice this time, and then mine next time" then what's the problem? If you accept him the way he is, and vice versa, what's the hold up?
Also, who cares how you two were raised? Your families aren't marrying each other, you are marrying him and he is marrying you. Your families just have to respect your decision and learn to get along. If you two talk about what traditions you want to have if you two ever get married, you can also compromise then.
But, my advice, definitely wait to get married, even if he proposes to you soon. My boyfriend and I went through some very tough things together from 6 months until now, and those events really decide whether the person is right for you. So wait.
I don't think it's wrong for you to keep dating him.