Tuesday, 19 January 2010
-
Ladies, I Need Some Advice
Here's the deal - I'm currently dating an awesome girl. She's well-cultured, extremely nice, cute as a button, and just the right amount of quirky. She likes a lot of the nerdy things I enjoy doing, which was always a problem with other girls. All things considered, she's almost perfect.
Almost.
I realize that no one is truly perfect and that when you think about it, the little imperfections in a person can make them even more interesting. I don't have a problem with things like clumsiness or constantly being indecisive. I can deal with those. What I can't deal with is how she's not taking care of herself. She doesn't stay on top of her school work, she doesn't work out, and she doesn't eat right. I could overlook those things, but they're having a noticeable effect on her, and she won't do anything about it.
She rarely studies, and when she does, it's all at the last minute. It's either cramming the night before the test (at the expense of precious sleep) or helping her friends who take advantage of her niceness in study sessions. I've suggested that she come along to the gym with me, but that didn't go so well. She came once but didn't take it seriously. Since then, she hasn't been near the place. I've tried cooking at home more often, but even when I cook for her, she sometimes skips meals or opts for fast food instead.
Truth is, I'm worried about her. A lot. She's not quite the same sweet, wonderful girl I met almost a year ago. Her lifestyle is starting to catch up to her, and on some of those issues, I feel like I'm partly to blame. I know that I take up time in her busy schedule, and I eat out more than I should, but I've been trying to change all of that in myself these past few months, but I don't want to stop there. I want to change her, too. I want her to be healthier and happier, but I don't know how I should do it. That's where you come in, ladies.
Where do I begin? How can I help her?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: anonymish
- About Me: This post was submitted by a Datingish reader who wanted to remain anonymous. You can submit your own anonymous post at www.datingish.com/submit-post - just make sure you let us know you wouldn't like to have your username displayed!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 227 Views: 0 543096 Comments: 0 13046 View all posts by anonymish
Comments (84)
First of all, you are very sweet for all of your proactive ideas. DOING things to help her instead of telling her how stupid she is etc. etc. You are doing the right thing.
Unfortunately, unless she actually SEES some big problem with what she's doing and wants to change for herself... it's probably not going to happen. her bad decisions are part of who she is.
My guess is though, if you keep going to the gym and get ripped... she might just look at herself in the mirror one day and realize that you two don't quite "match."
Maybe that will inspire her :)
Shot in the dark.
Hmmm, I'm gonna say that if she's not taking care of herself, that's somewhat an indication that she doesn't love herself. Or at least, the basic self-love is not mature.
Be very careful. Those who don't love themselves cannot love others. As an African saying goes: "Be careful of the naked man who offers you his shirt." How can she offer love when she doesn't have the right kind for herself?
To help her, talk to her. Tell her that you're somewhat worried.
Lemme know if you want to talk more. :)
i think just keep doing what your doing. start making meals for yourself, get good grades, and go to the gym. one day she will realize that all the things your doing for yourself are GREAT and she'll decide to hop on the band wagon with you :) don't push her into it, she'll see what your doing and want to be a part of it soon enough
All you can do is support her. And also stop judging her. Just because she's not your clone that doesn't mean you should get on her case for that basis alone. If you're actually worried about her, explain that to her. But know that in the end that's her decision.
And if you can't accept that about her then she deserves better than you.
"you can't help someone who won't help themselves." How many times have we all heard this? It's true. If she doesn't realize the effects that are taking place and she doesn't want to change...there won't be anything you can do to help her.
I love how you are trying to do little things like cooking meals and inviting her to the gym rather than telling her oh you need to drop a few pounds. (I know I would love for a guy to cook for me, rather than going out)
Is she one of those naturally smart people that don't need much studying outside of class? Maybe you can offer to help her study?
I've also heard the "honeymoon" stage is over usually after 6 months of dating and that's when you start to feel really comfortable around the person you are with. Perhaps she feels you will love her no matter what and she's just letting herself go because she feels comfortable with you.
I hope things start to look up!! Keep us updated :)
This post sounded like my boyfriend wrote this about me. In fact, now it bothers me that this anonymous because I thin boyfriend does have a xanga...
Anyway. I let myself go once I got comfortable with him and gained a few pounds and got lazy in school, etc. It was a momentary weakness, and since then I've gotten better in school, started working out - also decided to let him know that he gained a few pounds too [we've become quite the married couple and gained a few pounds together] and everything seems to be better. He didn't say I'm fat, he told me he is concerned from a health point of view, as in not eating well and not exercising enough. Don't be blunt, be nice and just tell her what you wrote her basically.
If she's changing in a way that is affecting you (she's so stressed she's constantly bitching you out), tell her how her behavior affects you. I always saved my homework and studying for the last minute, too, and I turned out fine. That's just how some people operate.
No one wants to be told how to eat and how much they need to work out. The information is out there, so they can find it if they want.
If she lives an unhealthy lifestyle, that's her choice. It's her body. Everyone nowadays is bombarded with information about how to stay healthy, so if she wants to do it, she will. It's cool that you're concerned, but in the end, it's her choice.
But if what she is doing is affecting you, then you should definitely say something. She can't read your mind on that one.
My first inclination is to say that you can't and should never try to change a person. However, it seems that you only have the best intentions for her, and you are trying to change her for her own good. Be more aggressive. Stand your ground. Don't not do something good, because she doesn't want to - tell her this is what your doing, and if she wants to come she can, if not, her loss. She may not realize it's a problem, because honestly, all the things you are mentioning - alone are rather insignificant. However, when you lump them all together, something's up.
Have you tried talking to her about it? Maybe there is actually something going on in her life that you don't know about that has caused her behavior to change since you met her. Ask her about it, tell her you've noticed a difference in her, and that you're worried. Don't tell her what to do, but tell her you feel like something is wrong. Let her decide to change, don't force her to.
There comes a point when you need to use just a little bit of tougher love. Sometimes a girl just needs to hear it, and she should take it in the spirit it's meant. Something like, "babe, I love you, and I can't stand to see you treating yourself like this." ha, cheesy, I know, but tough love comes to me best in cheesy form. :)
For the record, if I was treating myself like that, I'd turn into mush if a guy said that to me. Because it means he cares, and he cares enough to do the hard thing and try to help me help myself.
It's so sweet that you care and worry about her so much. But in all honesty, you can't help her unless she wants to help herself. It seems as though she doesn't quite realize the effect it's having on her so for now the only thing you can do is support her. I would definitely keep suggesting ideas on how to improve her health but whether she takes that idea and actually does something about it is entirely up to her. I definitely wouldn't nag her to go to the gym because she might think you're trying to say something about her weight and if you still want to continue cooking dinner for her I would try to make it romantic so she sees how much effort you put into it. Most importantly, Don't forget why you fell in love with her and why you care about her so much.
is she fat
when you spend time with her, maybe both of you could do some sports? it's indirectly a way to making her exercise. and you could get her to cook together with you. you could study together with her too, lol. but maybe she does things better last minute.
this is kinda of a hard thing. it almost sounds like my boyfriend wrote this about me (except for the studying part, cuz i do good in school) i'm kinda lazy, i dont eat right, and i dont work out much. but my boyfriend has been trying to get me to work out, not because im fat, but because he thinks it will increase my self esteem by making me feel better and be happier. so i get what you're saying about this girl.
however i just have absolutely no motivation to go to the gym and work out on my own, and i can understand this girls avoidance of the gym. exercising doesnt stop at the gym though. why dont you take her on walks or go play frisbee or something. at least she will be active and it will be a start. as far as the eating goes, i dont really know how to help you there. you have already tried cooking for her and stuff like that. as for the studying, have you offered to help her? ask her what she doing in class and ask her to go over it with you because you're interested in it.
people change though, and you have to be able to learn, accept and still love when people change. even when you get married your SO will always be changing throughout life, maybe not in leaps in bounds that are that noticeable, but if you truly love someone you have to be able to adapt and accept the changes. if not, then the person isnt for you.
when it comes down to it though she has to WANT to change her lifestyle, you cant make her.Find something she already enjoys and link it to her self improvement, or help her link it.
I feel like that's very noble of you attempting to get her to change, but something like this is a lifestyle. Personally, I'd give it up after several tries unless I was married to the person.
My dad's been trying for several years to get my mom to eat healthier and exercise (she doesn't AT ALL) since she weighs probably 180-200 lbs and she's 5'3". I'm not going to spend that much time on someone who's not supposed to be with me forever.
Sounds like a typical college kid. Just tell her she is getting fat and she will start working out :-p
Perhaps there's more to it? Usually depression or some other state of mind leads to unhealthy habits. Like everyone else has mentioned, I give you props for being so understanding, and actually doing something to help her instead of being all talk. I would try seeing if there's more to the situation? If she's unhappy in any way? She may lie, and say everythings alright, but at least she'll know you care, and you see something very wrong. Good luck!
She got comfortable around you.
chances are she hasnt changed, this is just how she is.
most girls are " not there selves " when they first meet a guy.
That's definitely good that you have taken some actions like trying to bring her to the gym and such. You could talk to her as well but the bottom line is that she isn't going to change unless she wants to.
Maybe you should try talking to her about it or writing her a letter about your worries, concerns about her, how you have her best interest at heart, remind her of what she was like a year ago, let her know how this will all effect her future, remind her of all the things you love about her as well, tell her you just want what is best her for her, and it's important to you that she makes these changes in order for your relationship to keep going and to grow more. Ask her to think about what is really important to her. Let her know you will help her out and be supportive in any way she needs.
Wow I am exactly like this. I don't try to hide it though, which is probably why I don't have a boyfriend. For me its related to my mental illness and low self-esteem. I'm tired most of the time and sometimes taking proper care of myself seems like too much work. I get fed up having to get up everyday and have breakfast just so I can have my medication because I know I would rather spend more time in bed.
Sorry your girl is like this. If I had a boyfriend and he wanted me to lose weight, I would definately give it a shot.
Talk to her, and read the other suggestions. The people on here seem to know what their talking about as well.
I once dated a waitress. I knew she had three hairs on her chin when I agreed to go on a date with her, but I presumed she'd like me so much that she'd take a good look in the mirror and shave them off. I was wrong. Sometimes girls just won't be helped.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
First of all, you are very sweet to want to help her. Â Communicate your feelings to her. Â But you also realize that if she won't accept your help, there's nothing you can do. Â It's all up to her. Â Good luck!
@Cest_LaxVie@xanga - LMAO i just thought of the exact same thing...sounds like someone just wrote about ME!
As far as the eating habits and not going to the gym goes, I say leave it alone unless she is really overweight. About the school work and stuff, tell her that you are worried her habits are having a negative impact on her life. Tell her you care but don't make it seem like she is incapable of doing anything right.