I'm eating cottage cheese while watching South Park. It's all because I'm trying to lose weight. I'm unhappy, this stupid stupid stupid weight makes me unhappy. I make myself unhappy. I've recognized that I have little to no self discipline and after I indulge in whatever unhealthy habit I wallow in guilt. I then push people away from me and become distant.
My boyfriend doesn't really
understand my self guilt, but I can't really blame him, similar to my father. I said we need more slimfast from the store (not only because it helps me lose weight, but its a quick and easy way to be filled in the morning), my mother says I don't need to lose weight, my dad interrupts her and says "yes she does, but she just needs to run around the block."
Ouch **cringe**. My boyfriend dances around the subject of my weight yet eagerly helps me with what he thinks I should eat and how much he thinks I should exercise.
I know, please don't say I'm being picky and emotional and overly sensitive. I know. Little things that I KNOW come from a good place drive me nuts and hurt. I don't know how to say anything without sounding like a nagging emotional bitch. I consciously try not to bring it up ever but every time we're together the uncomfortable topic rears its ugly head.
I don't feel beautiful and it gets in the way of us being together. How do I fix it (other than the obvious lose twenty pounds and stop eating brownies)? I not only feel like I need to fix my weight, improve my self confidence, and become more comfortable with myself but I need to figure out how to not let all of the above get in the way of my relationships.
Should I fake it till I believe it? It seems like since I've been dating him my self esteem has been deteriorating when all he's been is a loving and doting boyfriend.
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Comments (31)
I've read somewhere that dairy is slimming; 5 servings a day - all dairy products except Ice Cream, Cream Cheese, and Cottage Cheese.
Maybe your mom is right, and maybe your dad was simply concerned about your health when he said you need to exercise?
aww honey I know how you feel right now. I used to be the same way....I still kinda let it get in the way of my relationships as in if I dont feel "thin" then I try to not go out or I work out a ton before I feel comfortable to be around ppl....especially guys.
Ive alwasy had self image issues and it all started when my father and grandfather mentioned my weight and how I needed to go exercise and stop eating.
In my culture viet girls ARE VERY PETITE. tinyyyyy people. So in their eyes I was HUGE.
But as I have gotten older, developed a routine exercise regimen and began eating right I have found the confidence within and now stuff like that doesnt get to be AS MUCH. it still can but I try to block it out because as long as I feel good in my own skin and I think I look good when Im out then it doesnt matter what my father says or what that person thinks.
sexiness and beauty is CONFIDENCE. believe in yourself and walk around like you OWN IT. And trust me you will get the reaction from people that you want....
good luck!
I'm the exact same way! I could lose at least 15 lbs, and it never helps when my moms telling me I should lose weight, that I'm too fat and yada yada yada. My boyfriend gets very tired of me complaining, so I only complain when I truly am depressed about it. He is also extremely loving and caring, and I never want to lose him. I've just gotten used to looking in the mirror, frowning, and going on with my day. I'm faking it at the moment, so that maybe I can believe it (it hasnt worked). But my boyfriend just discovered this thing that's a super work out and will help me lose weight. So I think you should just keep trying! You'll get there. Exercise more, eat less icky stuff (my problem. I LOVE junk food). =D Good luck!
@boilingicicle@xanga - nah you're wrong. nonfat or lowfat cottage cheese is a very good snack to have while trying to lose weight. you get a generous portion for about 80 calories and it has quite a bit of protein which keeps you full.
but yeah, dairy is very good. if you're looking for something else good i suggest any brand of greek yogurt :) it's very smooth and creamy - has about 18-19 grams of protein at only about 140 calories a serving.
anyway, i know how you feel. i get in very low self esteem periods also, where i am completely unhappy with my weight and that lack of confidence affects my relationship. that's actually why i created a xanga. to have as a place to let out my frustrations and emotions while working out and trying to lose weight - rather than placing all that on my SO. he's very helpful but he doesn't understand like girls on here do. just saying...keep up the good work! it gets easier!
love yourself before getting into a relationship. i was kind of in an opposite situation from you - my ex.bf cheated on me w/ a much slimmer girl and I felt so fat. so i went on this crazy unhealthy diet where i was practically starving myself and working out till i couldnt move.. i dropped down to a really unhealthy weight.. until friends and family helped me and taught me how to love myself for who i am.
now i eat what ever i want.. whenever i want.. how ever i want. and if the ppl around me dont love me for what i look like then they never deserved me from the start. just remember to eat healthy and be happy. :)
This is, honest to God the story of my life.
I too have such an incredibly hard time looking at myself in the mirror and coming up with any kind of positive remark for myself. It has become such an issue for me, that every time I get any kind of compliment, I shut down mentally. I can't even smile and give a simple "thank you" because I suddenly become so self-conscious of the amount of attention people are paying to me. I don't like the idea of being looked at, and it's an irrational fear that I can't explain, aside from saying that it is spurned from my own, intense dislike for my body.
my boyfriend (seemingly much like yours) is constantly trying to build up my self-esteem by complimenting me, and showering me with affection and praise. He doesn't understand why I'm so self-deprecating, and I know somewhere that he does care about me, and think I'm beautiful, but I also know that it really wears on him that I feel as if everything he says is disingenuous. It's not, and I know that. But I don't -feel- that way. Because I'm SO self-conscious about my weight (coupled with my age and height) I'm unable to return the kind of affection that he lavishes on me. So of course with the guilt comes more spiraling waves of self-loathing.
I've been struggling with my weight for years and years, and though I have lost a considerable amount of weight in the past for years, I'm still unable to see the good in what I've done. I look in the mirror and all I see are things I wish I could fix, and they run my life. They make me miserable. And damnit, I know you were looking for helpful advice on this--but I don't have any to give you. I just wanted to say I know what you're feeling, and what you're going through, and I'm just as lost, and in need of help as you are.
It -is- hard. But it's so relieving to know it's not just me fighting the fat-monster. Thank you.
your self-esteem has been deteriorating since you've been with your boyfriend? that's not good. unless you've been gaining weight, too, that might be a warning sign; even if he acts like it's ok, it you fee super self-conscious around him, that's not good. my bf totally boosts my self-esteem just by telling me how hot i am and showing me how much he cares about me.
if you want to get more comfortable in your own skin, one suggestion i've always heard is to just look at yourself naked. take some extra time before you get in the shower and look at yourself in the mirror. find one thing you love about your body and focus on that (do you love how smooth your skin is in a certain place? or one graceful curve? anything will do). find something small every day, and eventually you'll feel better about yourself.
also, work on feeling beautiful inside- i know that sounds lame, but boosting your self-confidence helps you feel better about body image, too!
be careful with the daury thing - it can make you reaaally constipated and irregular. make sure you're drinking lots of water with that one.
I have a lot of self-esteem issues from my mom. Even though I'm fighting the good fight and I have lost 20 pounds, she's still constantly nagging me about what I eat, when I eat, how much I exercise, how much weight I've gained, and how my clothes still don't fit me right.
In the end, though, what she says doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel, projecting a positive self image, and loving the person I am for who and what I am. I recently got out of a relationship where, when he was actually being my boyfriend, he was loving, complimentary, and he always managed to make me feel self conscious no matter how many times he said I was hot, cute, beautiful, etc. It made me realize that being with another person when you're deeply unhappy with yourself is harder than just being alone and deeply unhappy. You really can't fake it because it's only going to put unnecessary strain on you and your relationships.
While I'm not saying you have to go to extremes like breaking up, I do think you need to take some time to re-evaluate what's going on with you. Take a good look at what makes you happy, what makes you angry, what makes you upset. Find realistic ways to work on what's putting you under stress that don't involve beating yourself up or starving yourself. Once you stop putting so much importance on the negatives, the positives will start coming more clear and easier to find.
I hate that. I hate that we're all miserable with ourselves. This is why I believe in body acceptance, no matter what you look like you deserve to be happy. "Looking better" whatever that means should not come at the expense of your mental health.
Honestly my self confidence didn't come until I truly stopped caring about my weight. It took time, and I did a lot of thinking and growing up. I'm still in the process of teaching myself about my body if that makes sense...I went through a period of eating whatever I wanted, and now I'm trying to teach myself good habits again. Because the habits that I taught myself before when I was seriously lacking in self esteem was that "pop is off limits. Full fat anything is off limits". I've made the decision that I never want any kind of food to be off limits for me, I just want to learn how to eat what I want in moderation. You'll find your confidence, its hard work but try to compliment yourself everyday, and learn to shut out negativity from the people around you. Good luck :)
i'm feeling the exact same way right now. this whole weight issue is really getting to me although i don't know why. i watch what i eat, i go to the gym and nothing's happening. it's been making me upset lately, and when i'm unhappy about myself, i guess i'm hurting other relationships too, cause i do push people away.. it's nice to know that someone else feels the same way, but at the same time, it makes me wanna help you and myself. first i tell myself that i'm actually doing something about my weight, and not just sitting here complaining about myself. and the more good things i think of, the more positive i am, and the more i'm willing to accept myself, love my body, and to be comfortable in my own skin. i guess it's hard not to feel this way though, cause of what other's think, espeically people that mean a lot to you like your dad. but don't worry, when you learn to love yourself, everything will be much better. you shouldn't fake it till you believe it, cause 1, you're lying to yourself, and 2, you probably won't believe it no matter how long you fake it for. think about inner beauty cause that's what it's all about! if you have a great personality and is fun to be around, then that's all it matters. looks and appearance can always be changed. so right now, i think you should learn to love your own body and be comfortable in your own skin. only then can you be confident in yourself and if you wanted to lose those extra 20 pounds, it'd be easier knowing that you look good already, but you just want to look even better :) you are not alone, and i'm sure with support and encouraging words from people, you'll get through this little phase. perhaps it's a girl thing, but i'm sure we'll grow out of this whole weight watching thing soon enough. best of luck!
You just have to try as best you can, and when you do something good pat yourself on the back. Look at the good things you do more than the bad. Say if you eat a cookie and you didn't want to, well go do some cardio. Then say "Well I had a cookie, but I was GOOD and did something to make up for it". You know what I mean?
You have to be positive to make a healthy change in your life. Don't starve, or work out until you pass out. Do it in a nice healthy steady way.
@xjadersx@xanga - nicely put :)))
@FREETOLOSE@xanga - Dairy is also good because it keeps our bones from severe deterioration during menopause. I eat Nancy's Yourgut cause that shit is dank.
You should be healthy. A good motivator to get off the brownies is to hang with some diabetes patients with limbs falling off in the hospital. Weight is not a good indicator of health- so don't trick yourself into thinking otherwise. Just take a long walk every couple of days (map my run.com, give yourself a mile loop and increase by a half a mile every week or so) and don't push yourself until your ready.
Eating healthy foods isnt even half of the battle of losing weight... you need to exercise. period. If you eat healthy foods you'll take really good dumps... but what muscles are you building? NONE. Muscles burn fat, ergo you need to exercise if you want to lose fat.
As far as the self esteem issues I can't really help you there... Ive been a fat-ass the majority of my life and I've never really felt inadequate. I was blessed with a decent pie-hole and its treated me well thus far. Ive even been told "you're cuter when you're chubbier" by people so I can't offer any advice there.
But yeah, eating cottage cheese(which is fucking NASTY in my opinion hahah) isnt going to get you toned up. PLUS, exercising is a NATURAL MOOD ENHANCER. It may hurt while you're doing it, and it might hurt the morning after.. but i ALWAYS feel better when working out and playing and shit is a regular part of my daily/weekly routine.
if I sat around eating dairy all day I'd be depressed too.
Here is what I don't get, when people are heavy, they go on and on about the importance of loving what REALLY matters...who they are. Well, I've been heavy and part of who I was...was fat. I mean the inside and the outside are all parts of who I am. And why is it that we are supposed to be OK with our outsides, but it's good to change what we perceive as faults on the inside? Why suppose it's better to love our fat bodies than to love our procrastination or laziness?
There are truly some things I can't change about myself, that I have to accept. Weight didn't happen to be one of them, so finally I did something about it. I have also addressed several internal issues that I wasn't cool with...that COULD be addressed. I can't make me good at math, but I can learn better coping skills for life. One of the better coping skills is the serenity prayer...accept what I can't change, change what I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.
I don't think people should beat themselves up over their weight, that is not productive, but neither is spending lots of energy learning to accept it...why not put that energy into changing it, I mean, if you are going to make it the focus of your life...trust me, you'll be happier with the results
I think every girl, woman, lady, etc are all fighting a battle with their weight/appearance whether it be secretively or out in the open. It's natural for us to want to lose weight being as our surroundings really only "want" a "beautiful, skinny girl." However, if you're pushing the people that love you away, maybe you should let them go and if they truly understand, they'll come back to you when THEY know that YOU are ready.
Do what makes you feel better about yourself. No one will truly understand how YOU are feeling because they are not YOU. If it means anything at all, sometimes you have to follow your mind before following your heart.
@AngelStarr@xanga - amen!
Mm I feel like you should at least love yourself a little before getting into a relationship. It gives you self-respect. You pick partners, you don't accept them. It makes girls a little sassy and unafraid.
My emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend would often accidentally imply that he thought I'd look a lot better if I was thinner (he never said it outright), but my new boyfriend makes me feel SO goddamn sexy. It's hard to describe how excited he gets when I take off my clothes, and he's always touching my body everywhere and telling me how goddamn hot I am. It's improved my self-esteem LOADS.
Self-esteem issues are rough. I would recommend complaining to a girlfriend instead of to your boyfriend. It's a really touchy area for him. If he says that you look fine you won't believe him. If he says you look fat he's in deep shit. When he comments on what you should eat and do for exercise he is just trying to help. If it bothers you then politely tell him that you want a boyfriend, not a personal trainer/nutritionist.
I was in your position... except the whole time I was slender. I became anorexic because I didn't feel good enough for my father to look at me and be proud. He made nasty comments every now and then when I binged, saying, "You're going to end up fat like your mother," and even though she is only a little overweight, it stung like a bitch. So I decided I was going to be skinny, the kind of skinny he thought I should be. I starved myself, not that there was much for us to eat anyway. Food was never a big deal for my dad. We had huge speakers, flat screen TVs, all of that, and barely any food in the fridge. I lost weight, but I never saw it, and we didn't have a scale. My mom was worried about me, and when I told him about her concerns, he said, "What, she ants to fatten you up so you can be big like her? She's just jealous, hon. You look perfect." It made me feel good about myself, so I kept doing it. But I felt so sick, and I just felt worse about myself as time went on. Many people never feel good about their bodies, but the real cure is exercise.
I moved back to my mother's house after a huge fight between me and my dad, and I began eating better after some counseling... I started going to a private school where they had a dance class I could take, and now I eat like someone should eat, but I feel great about myself. Dance is a wonderful way to lose weight, and it's really fun :) of course it's always hard to change eating habits, but make it fun. Get into cooking and making interesting dishes, not something that's fast and easy. Then you feel a sense of enlightenment and success because YOU made something. Good self-esteem comes from accomplishing something. And doing something simple like cooking or dancing and twenty minutes of exercise is going to make even the most depressed people feel a little better about themselves.
I hope things get better for you
This issue has ruined more than one relationship of mine, and I hate it. Just do what you want to do, and not what someone else wants you to do. That's really the only advice I can give.
I personally think it's all in the mind.. I mean, when I felt down, or people called me a skinny bitch, all of a sudden my stomach seemed to be unable to handle food and I would rapidly lose weight.
So here's what I did. I looked in the mirror and said that I was fine. If there were parts I saw in the reflection that I didn't like, I would imagine it filling out, like the bones of my ribcage receding into soft flesh instead of sticking out of my skin.
In about a week, I regained the 4 pounds that I lost because my stomach decided to absorb the food instead of rejecting it in stress, and I felt great doing it!
So if you see yourself as fat, just look in the mirror and mentally alter what you think you can't physically change about yourself. You would be surprised, because sooner or later, your body will get the message that this is how you want to look, and it won't go against you.
Another hint for eating healthy : watch what type of oils you put in your body! That is very important!
Extra virgin olive oil all the way!
Palm oil, coconut oil, animal oil, NO!
Olive oil, acceptable.
A lot of girls feel like you feel. I've felt that way too at some point. Took me FIVE fucking years to lose 30 kg, that is 60 pounds to reach my dream weight. I could have gained and lost that amount of weight 10 times within those 5 years. All because of my lack of discipline and motivation. But i did it in the end, hindsight i regret struggling with it for so long, i could have easily done it within 6 months with good exercise. So can you, think ahead and think of your health! It's no secret that you WILL feel better with healthy food and exercise. It is hard, but people can adapt to anything. I guarantee you, live on vegetables, fruit & healthy juices for 3 weeks with 1 hour exercise each deay and you'll not only lose alot of weight, you'll feel healthier and as a added bonus you'll actually feel sick if you try and go back to the amount of bad food you used to eat before. After a month of only vegetables and fruits, i almost wanted to throw up after eating a pizza, not to mention i felt full after barely half a silce compared to my usual 1 whole pizza.
Why do those comments get to you? only one reason, you're not happy with yourself so YOU are the one who has to change. If you were happy with yourself you'd tell them 'fuck you. i'm happy the way i am'. If you let minor comments like that, from people that are closest to you, bother you, then obviously you're not happy with your own body. If you're not happy you can change it. It is only weightloss, If some people can lose 300 pounds, can you not lose 50 pounds? (i'm just guessing here :p) Think of it this way, the sooner you stop complaining and start doing something about yourself, the sooner you'll be happy.
Just as long as you never give up, you'll get to that point somehow, just hope for you that it'll be within a few months rather thn years! Good luck with it.
dude this is me
and it feel horible cuz i think he's anorexicish (not like hard core and i dont think its by choice, i think it mostly has to do with him beeing poor and having a crap job XP)
i think you should take up a sporta realy physicall one like soccer or rugbyitll get you to exersize and force you to be healthy