Saturday, 16 January 2010
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Are We Conditioned to be Insecure?
My friend and I were talking the other night.She had called me extremely upset because her boyfriend of over a year was going to a bachelor party. Not just any old bachelor party, but one in Las Vegas! ( Re: The Hangover). She was feeling very insecure, untrusting and downright terrible at the thought of it. She said she literally felt ill at the thought of him being in Vegas, with his friends in that type of a situation. By that situation she meant excessive drinking, gambling, strip clubs, etc.
Now, I've had trouble with insecurity in the past so I understood how she felt. But then I began to think about her situation a bit more. Her boyfriend is one of the best guys I've ever met, he loves her truly and deeply. He'd never cheat on her, or do anything to hurt her. They have a very fulfilling and healthy relationship. Its not wrong for him to go to Vegas to support his best friend whose getting married. He's not even into strip clubs to begin with and has reassured her that he's only going because its one of the bachelor party events. He has no intention of getting a lap dance or anything of that sort. He is just going to hang out with his buddies.
The more I thought about this, I realized that to some extent, women are conditioned to be insecure, especially in situations such as these. Regardless how healthy of a relationship she has, her first thought was one of insecurity because of movies she's seen and stories being passed on. The fear of the unknown was the worst thing that could have happened to her. I've this seen in all aspects of our society from magazines to television. It's so hard to find a secure, confident woman at times.
I brought this up to my friend and she paused for a moment. Then, she started laughing and agreeed. She realized that she TRUSTS her boyfriend, regardless of the situation he's in. And she realized that shes got way more going for herself than a stripper! ( And that's why he's with her). She's feeling a lot better about the situation, but not 100%.I'm confident she'll get there by the time he leaves.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? Do you think that women are sometimes conditioned to feel insecure in relationships by society? How would you feel if your SO went to a strip club for a bachelor/bachelorette party?
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- From: twenty_ish
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- About Me: a twenty something, lost in the world of love, passion, and idealistic compulsions
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Comments (30)
have him plan a trip to vegas with you in the mix so you can both have fun. the lights, the drinking, the hotel rooms, the comped meals, even just the natural backround scenery is amazing once you see it. its really a thrilling place to be. it's a good valentine's day trip, especially if you've never been.
I think there's a bit of truth to it; media often puts less-than-admirable characters in the spotlight which is fantastic for conflict, but that definitely puts the darker side of humanity closer to the forefront of our minds.
I also do think that insecurity is somewhat internal and based on self-conception, but yeah, I think that would be negated somewhat without the media reinforcing some things.
(And of course I've felt similarly, ha. Anyone out there who hasn't?)
Never been in this situation, but it really depends on how strong one's trust/love is for his/her significant other. The guy's probably going because he wants to be a sport and doesn't want to ruin it for his friend (whose getting married). If I was going to getting married (which I have no intention of until I get myself on the right foot), I would want to spend my last days as a bachelor with all my good friends there. If they're not there, it just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure it's the same feeling for girls too. They'll want to spend their last day as a bachelorette with her good friends. So why does get to go and he doesn't? It just doesn't work that day. If my significant other went to the strip club for a bachelorette party, I'm going to trust her that she'll continue to love me. Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless she really doesn't want to be with me.
There I answered all your questions, can I go yet? LOL 
I trusted my last boyfriend and he started cheating on me as soon as I went back to school, despite how much he said he loved, cared for, and respected me. Funny thing was, I was never insecure about our relationship - I let him do what he wanted, when he wanted and never pried or flew into jealous rages (unlike him...any time my phone went off when he was around me, it was always "What guy are you secretly talking to now, huh?" in addition to other un-needed ridiculousness).
People in relationships do downright strange things sometimes to cope with stress.
Anyway, I do think women are conditioned to feel insecure. We're constantly exposed to the images of men cheating on us because there's something we're lacking that that super hot stripper, secretary, sister, friend, etc has. It's always something to do with our faults, not the faults of the person that is cheating, and usually results in the hate of the "whore" of the third party. Thing is, that third party is a human making mistakes just like everyone else, and isn't always at fault (because the cheater has a lot more to do with the deception than the 3rd party often does).
However, it wouldn't bother me if my SO went to a strip club, for whatever reason, so long as he came home and slept with me. That's all that really matters at the end of the day to me.
I'm fine with it. I don't care if my husband goes to strip clubs - it happens very, very rarely, but sometimes he'll go out with a few friends or whatever. I always tell him just don't get too wasted and don't touch the girls and we have no problem! And of course then he tells me that strippers are just not dateable/doable. It helps that he has a friend who's dated quite a few strippers, and he's seen those trainwrecks and has no interest - not to mention, he married me so obviously I mean more to him than the strange naked chicks.
I'm just not insecure in my relationship. Plus, every guy I know says the best part about going out with a bunch of guys to a strip club is more the testosterone buzz than the actual girls. I know, I know, of course they'll say that, blah blah blah, but it actually makes sense to me (at least in my situation/with my husband).
But yeah, if he was going every week or every month or something it'd probably get annoying, but he doesn't go hardly ever.
My boyfriend would cheat on me if he had the oppurtunity so I wouldn't really care.
I'm insecure, but since I already know where we stand, it doesn't bother me; it's out of my control.
Fact is, the idea of him cheating on me doesn't even bother me that much, anymore.
I think I'm developing a thick skin.
Cause it used to, I'd think I would die if he cheated on me back in the day, now it's like pfft whatever, who cares? That probably means I'm pretty damned insecure, since I'm still with him, haha.
But, for arguments sake, let's pretend I have a boyfriend who I trusted to some degree..
then it would definetly bother me, because of my large amount of insecurity, I'm not pretty so I'd be worried he'd find a pretty chick or whatever.
I do think women are conditioned to be insecure in most cases.
Of course there are confident women, but I'm estimating that it's a majority of women that are insecure (to varying degrees) in their relationships.
It bugs me how society (we) does this to us(ourselves).
=/
Have men been conditioned to cheat.. be promiscuous? Nah. I think it's only natural women feel this way. I think it's primitive. What's been conditioned is the trust built when men leave for a trip like this.
If you think about it, as cavemen are constantly trying to make babies with many females.. isn't it natural that a cavewoman would be concerned if her caveman abandoned her while she has his child?
But now its modern day, so I think it's okay to trust your so.. we conditioned our ways of living, therefore we condition our ways of thinking.. when referring to monogamous relationships.
Hope that made sense. :x
@Cosmar@xanga - Your boyfriend doesn't sound very nice. He doesn't deserve you if he is going to cheat on you when you used to not want him to.
strippers are people too
also, i'm sure insecurities arise from one's own past experiences, not just literature and cinema. ridonkulous.
If I was ever in the situation, no I wouldn't trust my SO. Lol. Yes, because of my extreme insecurity and such. I wouldn't like the idea of that at all, and I don't even get why my SO would WANT to go to a strip club. Idk, 'cause he knows how that would make me feel and he is pretty sensitive to the way I am as well. It's a respect issue for me, mostly. He wouldn't want me looking at a guy stripping and I wouldn't want him looking at a girl stripping.
But everyone's different, and I know most people aren't as jealous as I am.
Conditioned, maybe- but that insecurity is not without ground or reason. A lot of men (and women) do cheat. It's sad but true. I never want to see something like that as completely impossible because it seems like when people think it literally cannot, will not happen to them it does. It may be hard to find a totally secure, confident woman because if you really treat cheating as not being a possibility it may just happen and WHAM. Just look at some of the comments here. It doesn't mean women (or men) should ever be their significant other's personal surveillance hovercraft. It doesn't mean they should freak out over them talking to members of the opposite sex on the phone sometimes. They shouldn't have a cow over their significant other hanging out (allegedly) in public with an opposite-sex friend *once or twice* without other people along. It doesn't mean they should make accusations. Trust is important in any relationship. Many people are far more or less prone to cheat than others. But it doesn't hurt to be careful and mindful. Then again, I don't know if it would help. If someone's going to cheat, they may cheat whether or not you are paying attention.
@ANIMAUX@xanga - Agreed! My husband cares too much about how I feel to go if I was really worried about it. He's a sensitive and caring guy. And I'd be worried. Not that I particularly think he would randomly cheat on me with a stripper and catch something, but it would annoy the heck out of me if he went to watch sexy girls take off their clothes because that's just not a very good thing for a guy in a committed, closed relationship to do. He wouldn't go.
In my opinion, humans in general are hardwired to be insecure about themselves. That is why we seek reassurance through social hierarchies/networks and safety as well. If humans weren't hardwired to "seek" safety or reassurance with the assumption that we had neither, we wouldn't be here today.
Is it just women who feel insecure? Surely most men can feel insecure in relationships too-like AnonymousBlonde said about her ex.
Seeing as I am a stripper and I see bachelors on a regular basis I can say with absolute honesty that the last person on earth we want to date is anyone who walks through our doors and gives us money. Anyone who walks into our club is branded immediately as a douche and therefore non-dateable. I promise all of you- We don't want your men.
I guess I can't speak for every single stripper- but it's common knowledge that I've experienced all over the united states (and when I worked in Vegas OP).
Also, thanks for the line "I have a lot more going for me than a stripper". Way to be an assuming asshole about something you have no idea about.
Not all of us are man stealing train wrecks. Most of us are train wrecks who want to date looser musicians/famous people- and we do, whiles making thousands of dollars for basically doing nothing and being fed free alcohol all night.
yeah cause men are conditioned to think with their penises
My boyfriend is going to a strip club for his 18th birthday.
& yeah, it does bother me.
I just don't think it's appropriate or loyal.
Yea jealousy and insecurity are things I also struggle with the most.
They are like these animal instincts that any manner of intelligence and intellect fail to suppress.
I got over it by realizing that my boyfriend and I choose to be together and if one of us does something that says we've chosen someone else, then so be it.
@Salivarysatisfaction - I concur
Sometimes it's not insecurity, it's women's intuition. You trust them and then you know something is going on and it is. The dude certainly doesn't want to be outed the bad guy so he will deny the whole nine yards and accuse the girl of just being insecure, pms, bitch all the other crap men think women are if we have a thought or figure out that they're gaming us. Agree to previous comments that it's not just the movies, it's personal experience that kills the trust.
well for starters i have never been to vegas or to a bachelor party and plus i dont have a gf and even if i did she would have to take my word for it when i say i love her and no one else....besides all of that i really dont have nothing to worry about and besides i love going to strip clubs :P
Why would I want my boyfriend to pay to have other girls dance naked for him when I can dance naked for him for free?
Fuck a strip club and the ancient "I'm just going out with the guys" excuse. Guys go to a strip club to look at naked girls. It just seems redundant to let a guy do that when you (his GIRLFRIEND) just going to sit at home worrying he's in the back room getting a lap dance from some herpes-having stripper.
@DistantStarlight@xanga - Exactly, it's not a good thing for a guy in a committed relationship to do. And I'd hope that my boyfriend is committed to me after years and years. Any guy should at least respect how you feel enough to not do something you wouldn't want them to. Once again, respect. xD
@shaunachiang@xanga - shut up
And BTW, I wanna add - men also experience the exact same thing. You say the media projects men as going out and cheating, and yes, it does - but it also talks about how women are very, very convincing at deception and can cheat, or fake happiness/attraction/orgasms/etc. without her man ever finding out, right? So we're also insecure that without our knowing it, she could be seeing some other guy.