When you enter into a serious relationship, at some point you will have to meet the creators of the object of your affection; the in-laws, the parents, the family, etc. This process can be either painful or surprisingly pleasant. Maybe your significant others parents drowned or the object of your affection is the result of some science experiment. For the rest of us unfortunate souls, meeting these people is inevitable.
I met the love of my life eight months ago. He is a wonderful outgoing sweet man. We haven't known each other long, but we knew very shortly after meeting each we had met our match. For a person scorned by love in the past, its been a dream. About two months into this relationship I traveled home with him to meet the most important people in his life, including his parents and closest friends. The friends and I hit it off. The parents are another story all together.
I rarely meet a stranger. I am a very friendly and outgoing person. I tried so hard with these people. I didn't matter what I did, I could not get these people to talk to me about anything. I told them about my education and career aspirations to be an attorney. They asked about my family. I told them my Dad retired from the Army and GM, and moved to California. His dad simply made a comment about how he has a job he hates, and grunted sarcastically. His mother hasn't worked in almost a decade just looked at me stunned. I eventually quit trying and just sat there.
Some months later, I went with my man to meet his sister in Kentucky. His sister really liked me, but told me empathetically that their parents didn't. They preferred his ex-girlfriend who still lives at home and doesn't work. They said I was too much of a, "yankee."
I typically don't care if people like me, but dammit these people are going to be my in-laws. I want them to love me. It doesn't matter what I do. I sent them christmas cards. I try and try to talk to them. They just won't give me a chance, and always squeeze in a comment or two about how far away they are from their son. As if I forced him to stay away from them.
So, my question is, how do you handle in-laws who don't like you? Do you try and make nice? Has it eventually been a strain in your relationship with your significant other?
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Comments (26)
Seems like they are pretty simple people. Maybe they thought you were bragging and/or didn't understand when you were talking about your aspirations.
As for answering your question, I don't really have an answer for it. Unfortunately, they have all loved me...which is hard when it's time to say goodbye to the relationship.
To get them to like you be syrupy sweet all the time. They will be won over eventually, they probably just don't like change.
As for you not like them, do what I do, STAY AWAY. lol
All you can do is give it time, really. If you and your guy are meant to be, then they will eventually see that and come around... Unless they're part of that small percentage who will always hold a grudge for the sake of holding a grudge...
My first in-laws -- well, actually it was just a mother-in-law -- hated me. I was seven years younger than her son, and though I was working she thought I was a gold-digger. The nerve! Obviously, that relationship didn't work out.. I know it wasn't *just* because of his Mom's feelings, but I know a big part of it was, so I can appreciate your situation. I just recommend not marrying the guy until his parents relax. Relationships work best with parental support from both sides.
Best of luck to you. <3
If they won't give you a chance stay away from them. It is foolish to hinder your own happiness.
My mother-in-law is great but my father-in-law thinks everything is a sin. You stub your toe...obviously you did something that you need to make right with God. Decorative statues are all idols. He argues with the pastor in the middle of a sermon. If anything bad happens to him, it's because he's a prophet and Satan's out to get him. If people don't like him, it's because the chosen of God are always hated...not because he's just a jackass.
Time to go buy the Harry Potter books to display prominently for when he comes to visit. I don't care if it's immature...it makes me giggle.
Heh...I had an ex whose parents apparently liked me as a person, but not as their son's girlfriend. I always got a bad vibe from his mom, but when I'd ask my ex what the deal was, he swore up and down that she really did like me. Something definitely didn't feel right though, and I'm pretty positive it was because I'm not Catholic, and therefore I wasn't good enough for him. The first question his mom ever asked me was what my religious beliefs were...needless to say, visits to their house were pretty awkward.
@snarkius@xanga - He sounds delusional! Yikes!!
I don't have problems with my in-laws. My MIL tends to talk a lot and be really repetitive, but my husband and I both just laugh about that. My best friend, on the other hand, has had problems with her in-laws. About a year after she married her husband, she was looking at her husband's email (nothing serious - she would read forwards from his mom, etc.) and found one from his dad from around the time they got engaged. Her husband had never opened it. She read it, and it was all about how he thought his son could do much better, could find a prettier girl, shouldn't settle... My friend was really upset about it - understandably - and told her husband about it. He just said his dad doesn't know him or anything about their relationship. Nothing pleases the guy... so my friend stopped trying to please him! Her husband loves her, and that's all that matters.
My ex's mother called me a whore in front of MY mother... yeah, the woman ate shit.
I have a good relationship with my current boyfriend's parents :) they're terrific.
I'm sorry about your in laws. Try to remember that it's your life with your boyfriend... not your life with your boyfriend and his parents. You know? You do the best you can. Plus, his sister and his friends like you :)
You guys have only been dating for 8 months, assuming you don't tie the knot ASAP, I think they will loosen up eventually. Maybe you should visit his parents with him more often, or make him visit alone. You can get a conversation going with them, but you may need to talk about things they like instead of yourself.
My boyfriend's parents have been a huge strain in my relationship. His family is Hindu, and mine is Muslim. (Problems between the two religious groups in the South Asian subcontinent have been prevalent since the 30's/40's.) So even though I am an Agnostic, his parents hate me for not being Hindu. They do a pretty good job at keeping us from seeing one another or talking too much. Both of his parents tell him to break up with me any chance they get. Even though they have only met me a few times in our three+ years of dating, none of those times were out of their own free-will. (Nor did they talk to me very much those times) They have no interest in getting to know me and probably know nothing about me.
Their latest thing is to pretend I don't exist. Yay.
I used to have a major crush on my ex's 59-year-old mum. Still think about her ample bosom late at night sometimes. Even though she'll be 65 now. Or dead. I mentioned this in my latest post, actually...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/2010/01/facebook-snub.html
My suggestions would be to try and find something you have in common. I don't think you should pretend to change who you are to please someone else, but common ground goes a long way. What does she like to do? A favorite show, a hobby...anything. Or if there is something she's good at ask her to explain it to you, and she'll feel important like she might have something to offer you. For example, with my MIL, one day I saw her crocheting and asked her how to do it. Next thing I know we're shopping for yarn and picking out patterns for me to make a blanket. And even though I wasn't that interested in crocheting before it turned out to be a fun thing to work on when I have free time, and something we now have in common.
Take comfort in knowing that you're married to their son and not them.
Just like there's compatibility requirements in mates, there are compatibility requirements in friendships. Don't lose sleep if not every one of them accepts you; if they don't like you, then they just... don't like you. What's important is how your spouse feels about you.
If the in-laws don't like you, it's a pretty hard blow. Don't try to get them to like you, because then you'll look annoying. What I would do is just be yourself, continue loving their son, and hope that one day they'll accomodate to you and maybe even talk to you. Right now, just respect them, and act civil.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and 7 months. His parents didn't love me at first either. I'm dating their youngest, and they were all like "she's corrupting your innocence" (which, by the way, he was TOTALLY corrupting MINE not vice versa).
but now, they enjoy me. His mom has even begun to buy me things when they go on vacation to Mexico (they are mexican), and for Christmas. It just takes time :)
My in-laws were the same way!! Except, of course, I was the big city southerner and they were the small-town northern folks. It was this whole big deal about me being an outsider and it SUCKED. They constantly talked smack about me to his ex-girlfriend, which encouraged her to always be in my business with the boyfriend.
When I proved to them that despite all the trouble they're causing me and may cause me in the future, I was going to stick around because I loved their son. That's all that should matter. I just let them know that I was looking out for HIS best interest, whether that means we're far away because he's closer to his family, or if they are the ones that are in a long-distance relationship. He, of course, also did his part. He made them realize that I was going to be in the picture for good and if they can't make it work, they will be the ones responsible for that strain in the family bond. You definitely have to make sure there are no delusions about you magically turning into the same person as his ex-girlfriend is. His preference is you, now, not her, and they shouldn't try to change you. Make sure they know that you're going to take care of their son, which is probably their main concern anyway. If anything, it's probably just an issue of parents not being able to cut the cord.
My fiance's parents aren't too fond of me. Firstly because I come from a poor family and they're rather wealthy. So somehow I'm beneath them for that. Second because I got pregnant by my fiance. That makes me a "whore" according to them.
Good luck with them, in laws can be thick headed beasts.
My girlfriend's mother is the reason she and I broke up today. Our relationship was the best I've ever had... But because her mom didn't like me and controlled every aspect of my girlfriend's life we are left with no choice but to break up.
It's happening right now. A slow, painful, unwilling and regretful end...
just keep sucking up to them. grin and bear it. my boyfriend's parents are nice to me but i feel like it's always awkward... we have nothing in common, they are very conservative... blah blah. but in any case, just keep showering them in smiles and niceness and don't bring up anything controversial :)
My ex's parents didn't like me much, but that was partially because they were very traditional Koreans who wanted their son to marry a very traditional Korean girl. I tried to be as nice to them as I possibly could and then I tried to limit contact with them! It's usually good to find a point of common ground and work from there.
Right now, I have the difficult parents. They've never really approved of any of my relationships :/ If anyone has advice on how to get my Chinese parents to approve of my dating a teacher (which is a very respectable job!), then please, tell me!
Parents of boyfriends have never liked me. I don't know why either. Well, I know why my in-laws don't like me, but previous boyfriends, I have no idea.
Try your hardest to be pleasant around them. They're your boyfriend's family. He can get a new girlfriend, but he can't get new parents. Don't take him away from them, or talk bad about them to him. That will just hurt him.
I don't know what I would do in your situation. You can't change who you are. They may just need time. They had better start liking you if they want to see their eventual grandchildren, anyway.
My mother-in-law likes me well enough (for now) but she's a very manipulative and bitter person. We swear she's borderline personality disorder to boot. She always assumes the worst of my husband; I can't think of a single time when she has assumed the best of him. Thus she is often wrong, but never admits it and rarely apologizes even when it's really obvious. What apologies she offers are often not really apologies at all. For example, today she called my husband and totally shut him down in the first minute or two of the conversation, then became angry that he wasn't more talkative "sharing his life with her." When my husband explained that her didn't really have much to say after getting shut down like that, she said, "I'm sorry you don't feel like talking to me." That's not exactly an apology. The whole conversation was full of stuff like that- constant criticism and then self-righteous-sounding complaints.
I have to pray not to be too bitter towards her. She drives me up the wall with the way she treats my husband! Some guys choose women who are like their mothers; my husband chose the opposite. I would never speak to him the way his mother does. It's disgraceful. We can't just argue with her and get on her bad side entirely, though; she's well known for suing when the going gets rough.
My boyfriend's Momma loves me.
And his dad likes me well enough. They both see that I love their son very much.
And his mom...she's thought I was terrific from the beginning. She told him I was much better than his ex.
His aunts & uncles like me, too. And several of his close cousins. His grandparents called me "family" when we ate dinner together. They all like me & seem like their anticipating that I'm going to be around for a long, long time.
It's awesome.
Boil it down to this: his mother hasn't worked in almost a decade, his ex girlfriend lives at home and doesn't work, his sister lives in a southern state and if that's by choice, it suggests the family may have the old-style southern culture as a background. The "yankee" comment pretty well seals it. Your dad has had two successful careers while his dad has a job he hates and a wife who no longer works so he's the sole breadwinner, like it or not. You are outgoing and want to be an attorney. When you succeed, they may think it will put them in a lesser light and possibly overshadow their son as well, or you just won't fit the family image. People who feel insecure behave insecurely. If their negative attitude leads you to do anything negative, they get to say, "See, I told you ....!" Poor souls can't see that you'll be an asset rather than a liability. The fix? Full speed ahead and keep grinning. Have a good run.
I think this is fairly common. They obviously have expectations of what their son should have in a girlfriend and in a wife, and you do not meet those expectations. It almost sounds like they want somebody who matches the 50's era idea of what a wife should be, what with their idea that you shouldn't have a career, that you should stay at home.
Ultimately, the only thing you can do is hope that they come around, but if they don't just be civil to them. If they refuse to be civil to you, that is their problem. And remember that being civil to them doesn't mean that you have to give in to all of their whims and ideas.
If you and your boyfriend are serious and you end up getting married, it will depend on how attached his parents' apron strings still are and how willing he is to cut them as to whether or not things will work out.
Disclaimer: Cutting the apron strings does NOT mean he has to cut his parents out of his life. I would never suggest that except in the more extreme circumstances. o.o;
Thanks for all the advice it really helped a lot!Â
One thing I wanted to add, I think I made it sound like I just started talking about myself out of nowhere. They asked me questions about myself, and that is what I told them. I have tried to talk to them about things I know they like, but it seems to always turn into a pissing contest...I dunno. In time they'll change or I won't care. My fiance claims that they do like me, but I definitely don't perceive that. Especially, since his sister was the one that said they didn't like me to start with and how difficult it has been to have a relationship with them. Oh well, like I said things will either change or I won't care anymore. I am gonna marry my fiance not his parents
Thanks again!
Ugh. That's a legitimate question for sure, and I have no answer to that. My boyfriend's step-mother hates his guts and so she hates me too. His dad is cool and likes me, so I'm not too worried about it. But, yeah, ugh. What to do about those crazy in laws that HATE your guts for no reason?