Thursday, 14 January 2010
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Jumping the Gun on Relationships
I met a seemingly nice guy a few days ago. We hung out practically the entire night.
I have sort of given up on finding a man who won't try to get with me the first night, but I still didn't get with him, though.Anyway, while we were talking, I told him how I only mess with people I care about or am dating with and I'm not someone that just gets with someone to get some.I said I would like to get to know him more before all of that, but then he says, let's just skip all of that and start going out. Keep in mind this is the very first night I ever met him.Is it important in being friends first with someone before you go out with them? Or do you think this does not matter and a relationship could still work? You'd just get to know them as friends, too, while you are going out with them.He kept saying about how he's met a lot of girls but only has a connection with me or whatever.I didn't fall for it, though, obviously. I'm not that stupid. I don't think you can know a person well in one night.
What do you think?
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Comments (48)
OH dear. Been there one too many times. If he truly has a connection he will stick with you until you are comfortable. Give it time until you can feel comfortable initiating. If he can't wait that long then he is not truly interested.
I feel like if someone says, "let's not be friends, let's just start going out" they're just trying to get into your pants faster.
I feel like friendship should happen first, really.
like the person above me said, if they're already trying to push you where you're not comfortable?
one, they're not taking your interests to heart or listening to you, and two,
imagine how they'll be when it comes to sex. pressure, pressure, pressure.
I think this guy has his own invested interests.
@greenglow28@xanga - I mostly agree with what you said.
YOU: I only mess around with people I'm dating.
HIM: Let's just go out then.
That's about what I got from the situation.
@decembriel@xanga - yeah I'm a bit overly presumptuous.
I don't completely agree with what I said either, lol.
I'm not saying that's definitely what's going on, but it's totally possible and she needs to be careful about it.
that's all :)
@AutumnShadowsQ@xanga - "I told him how I only mess with people I care about or am dating
with and I'm not someone that just gets with someone to get some. I
said I would like to get to know him more before all of that, but then
he says, let's just skip all of that and start going out."
I only really read that once you pointed it out... ugh wow, you're probably right.
@greenglow28@xanga - Oh, I think you made a good point! The "mostly" was only in reference to your very last statement since no one can be 100% sure. But there's a high, high possibility you are right.
I've been with my boyfriend who's pretty much fiance and we started dating 10 days after we met each other. We got to know each other while dating, and we really have become best friends. So it is possible, but not for everyone.
@greenglow28@xanga - I do agree that friendships should happen, but I don't like that people say friendships should happen first. Friendship and dating can happen at the same time. Me and my boyfriend / fiance started dating 10 days after meeting each other, and years later, we're still together. Somehow along the dating process, we also became best friends. Now, I'm not saying anyone can have that exception, but it is possible.
I think he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it and was willing to do what it took... how long would he have kept in it for though? I wouldn't trust a guy whose that fast..Â
@Cest_LaxVie@xanga - well you are quite an exception :) the only reason I feel that people should be friends first is because in the majority of relationships I've seen, when two people start dating after maybe two weeks of knowing each other, just due to attraction, as they date and find out more about the person, they can find qualities that they dislike, and over time that really eats away at your relationship... it's happened to me.
that's not to say that things can't work out, because clearly they did for you, and I'm really happy for you! :) it's just really hard for me to be able to date and love someone before I know them with my experience and seeing how others have come out of that kind of situation.
although, there's also the crazy situation where there are also people who have sex first- become friends/ date later- and end up in long lasting successful relationships.
but from this post, I feel like the guy is just trying to get with the author.
but I mean you never know. things can work out for people, any order they want to do them. I suppose I'm just a bit old fashion now :)
Hmm it sounds a little fishy to me. "I only mess with people I care about or am dating" then "let's just skip all of that and start going out." RED FLAG.
I'm with the friendship first thing. I've been on both ends of the spectrum though. All of my ex-boyfriends I had started dating within the first few weeks that I knew them. While everything was great at first it always quickly fell apart. My now fiance and I were became really good friends over the period of 3 months. Once we were comfortable with each other we started noticing the physical attraction and eventually one thing led to another and we became an item. Almost 2 years later he's still my best friend but hes also my lover and future husband.
I'd say just trust your gut. If you feel like you should get to know this guy better before dating him, then do that. If hes really interested in the relationship aspect of it then he'll understand and wait. But if you feel like you can trust him already and you know hes really wants a relationship and not just, then start pursuing a relationship.
@greenglow28@xanga - I'm old fashioned too, and I do agree with everyone here that in the
case of this author, the guy is probably just saying let's date because
that's what she wanted to here. In my case, we had mutual friends, met by chance, he tracked down our mutual friend to get my number, it started with let's just hang out, and I was actually the one who pursued him more romantically rather then platonically since he was almost more shy than I was. And we just started spending a lot of time together which made us get to know each other, and luckily we still love each other.
I do believe in getting to know the person you're dating, and I was friends with my ex-boyfriend for over 2 years before we dated for another 2 years, and somehow I didn't know a lot of things about that guy, and yet I met this perfect stranger, we had a spark - as silly as that may sound - and he's still perfect and I know much more about him. I dunno, I'm rambling. But my point is, you do have to get to know who you're dating, but it's not an either / or situation, you can actually get to know someone while dating them and that doesn't mean that just because you officially date someone, you have to let them into your pants.
To the author - if he really likes you for you and not for your intimate parts, then he'll wait.
It's possible to feel such a connection, but you definitely wait and feel things out. I had that connection with someone the first night I met them, what a glorious feeling. Something to continue though, I didn't want to jump in... I was also dating someone else at the time, I couldn't take it as more than friend thing despite what an unusual feeling I had for him.
@greenglow28@xanga - I completely agree.
You told him that you only get with people you're in a relationship with, so to him that means get that relationship going..now. I'd say, turn the other direction. He is definitely not the kind of guy you're looking for.
@AutumnShadowsQ@xanga - Precisely.
I like having a bunch of friends, and to me, I can't get into a relationship with someone without knowing them as a friend first. But I would think that if someone likes you and wants to date immediately, it's just lust. If you're average looking like me, then you won't have to worry about it. I guess looks count, but for me- I would like to see that person's personality and how they are around people before I put myself into a dating situation.
He sounds fake. Avoid.
Haha. Sorry, but as I guy I can guarentee that line was used purely to get his leg over - I should know, I've used it myself. He may well like you, though...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
in my experience it always best to be friends n then start a relationship.... but in some occasions i have gone out with guy i barley new. Have you been knowing da guy but just not talked 2/him...do ur friends know him??? just be careful.... i would just try it out ...see were it takes me... you could get to know each other as you date... now if he really wants to get in your pants youll see that rite away... its up to you if you let him do that
In this situation? It seems like a cheap ploy to get in your pants.
In other situations? It sometimes works skipping the friends first thing. My boyfriend and I met online and emailed one another for about a week. We met, had a wonderful 8 hour long date and we agreed to not see anyone else. Six days later it was "official".
im going through the same thing.
im talking to this guy. and we both like eachother the same way. and we get along very well.
but i've had bad expericenes with guys without getting to know them first before dating.
so we're just taking it slow and getting to know eachother, i think that friends first is always the right way to go.
just to be extra safe if you reallly truely want the relationship to work.
Gah.
Taking things slow is hard for an impatient person like me.We already know we like eachother...WHY THIS SLOWNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.K.
I'm done. XP
hes just trying to manipulate you glad you didnt fall for it
My boyfriend and I started out as friends, and now we've been together for over three years. If he really likes you, he would wait and not rush things.