Here's the situation.
I met the love of my life just under two years ago. In the beginning things were great. Even though it was long distance (250 miles) it was still amazing. She eventually moved down here and we shared an apartment for a few months. Things didn't work out well for her down here so she moved back home to the parents and I went as well. We found an apartment and things were pretty good aside from an argument here and there. Eventually she got tired of my lack of motivation and left me. It wasn't a violent or angry end. We both wanted to stay friends. We both still loved each other. It was still very tough for me. I had to find an apartment on my own which cost me all of the money that I had saved. I visited her occasionally to "hang out" which always lead to sex and confusion for me since she still didn't want a relationship with me. Eventually work went downhill and I could no longer afford to live there and was forced to move back to my parents, 250 miles away from my heart.
These past few weeks we've been in touch and conversation has been pleasant. It's almost like when we first started talking. She asked me to come visit this Friday. We were both excited about this chance to spend time together. I was hoping that something would rekindle and we could try to start over. But this is where it all went wrong.
Tonight she calls me at 3 in the morning, drunk. I've never seen or heard her drunk before. She's giggling a bunch and being cute and telling me that I should be where she is, that I should come make her warm. Not being serious of course but just being cute. Eventually she says that she has something she wants to tell me about her but she think that it will make me not want to come visit her. She said it was about how she's been losing weight. She also said it was illegal. She was never one to do any drugs. She was actually anti-drugs. I asked her what it was that she was doing. Bulemia? No. Meth? No. Cocaine? .....there was no reply. Are you doing cocaine? ......no reply.
Her mood then changed from giddy and happy to angry instantly. I tried to do the right thing and be a good friend but I'm not sure I went about it the right way. I don't remember exactly what I said but I wasn't being judgmental and was trying to tell her that cocaine is dangerous and could get her in trouble. She kept saying that I wasn't her dad and to not come visit anymore and she hung up on me. I tried calling back a few times but she wouldn't answer. I also tried texting but no reply.
So now I'm left with this dilemma. What can I do to help her? She's told me she's felt suicidal lately. I'm very lost in all of this. This is the last thing I would have ever expected her to do. What should I do?
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Comments (23)
Stay away. I know it's hard, but you can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped, and it's just going to tear you up. You could try contacting her parents or other relatives who live near her, you can direct her to Hopeline or similar organizations or try and direct her to professional help, but...don't visit. The fact that you're romantically interested in her and the fact that she's flirting with you and the history that you two have makes you NOT the person who can really get her through this.
I'm not saying don't be supportive or totally cut off contact, but...don't lose yourself. Do not give in to the temptation to try and be here superhero. Please. Take care of yourself. If she is doing coke and feeling suicidal this is way over the head of a non-professional.
she needs to get help and you should go with her if you feel like she's the one and support her.
Forget about her and move on.
you need to stay away from her, as difficult as it sounds ... because being close to her right at this moment (after you've been apart for some time) will put you in a very unhealthy position.
try to talk to her (by phone) and ask her what happened, try to make her see that she needs help; but if she doesn't want help, there's really nothing you can do about it.
don't try to play the hero in shining armor, it might fall off and leave you completely unguarded, and you won't even notice it until you're bleeding
Maybe she's on that fen fen stuff. *I know I'm probably spelling it wrong and I don't care.*
I would just tell her, via text or over voicemail: I'm sorry I upset you, I want to be here for you, so when you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen. Then I wouldn't talk to her again.
You cannot help her until she's ready to help herself.
..Good advice from people saying 'leave her'
Yeah coz that's gonna help the situation?
He's in love with someone who has a drug problem, would you walk away if your partner was in that situation?
Try and support her, don't force her to quit but encourage, she will eventually see sense. Just support and encourage.
If she's not going to accept help and is going to be childish about it, then don't bother. It's going to be hard, and it's going to suck, but there is absolutely nothing you can do. If she dies from it, or something else happens, then don't start blaming yourself.
@peaceciao@xanga - But they aren't together anymore. She broke up with him, and they were not together that long. And you cannot help someone that won't help themselves--sure, you might be able to hold them up for awhile, but then as soon as you stumble they fall--and that's a helluva burden.
The girl needs professional help, but that can't be forced on her. And honestly I think she's being kind of manipulative and toying with his feelings--maybe not intentionally, but there's a lot of mixed signals in there. The emotional sketchiness and the physical distance makes me think that if anyone is going to try and take an active role in getting this girl clean it can't be the OP. And, again, she has to want help--which clearly she doesn't. I'm not saying he has to write her off forever, but getting involved with this will most likely be damaging to all parties.
You're in no shape to worry about someone else, its harsh but there's not much you can do. Call her parents and friends to talk about it is the best you can do. It was her choice, even if you realize in the end that you moving away from her gave her time to think and made her depressed so she started doing cocaine to cope.
If I were you, I would drive down there and see her.
"250 miles away from my heart." - ouch. Strong words.
The same sort of thing happened between me and my best friend lately - earlier today in fact.
Basically he's got himself into doing all sorts, cocaine, speed, extasy - whatever.
It all started a few months ago actually, around September time. I was anti-drugs but.. I don't know, wasn't THAT passionate about it I guess. So at first I didn't really mind, a bit of whatever now and again. He said it helped him have a better night out than if he just had alcohol - fair enough. I disagreed, because we've always had great fun before, even sober, but I felt there wasn't much I could except make sure he knew that I wasn't okay with it.
So anyway, it became an addiction. Now he can't get out of bed without it, he does it in the evenings so much that he then can't sleep. So instead he stays up all night and just keeps taking more and more so he can stay awake for work the next day. Then whenever he's got a day or two off he just sleeps, and sleeps, and sleeps.
It got me worried, very worried, especially as he KNOWS the dangers very well as he's even said it all himself. He's my best friend, I couldn't judge him for it, I lost respect for him and it's ruined our friendship because it really hurts me that he feels he can't have a good time around me without it.
It changed him, for the worst. He's snappy, arrogant, constantly angry and judgemental. Not him at all.
But he won't listen.
I guess what I'm trying to say (maybe I shouldn't have gone into as much detail) is, I'm not sure there really is anything you can do - but please learn from my mistake and don't just put up with it, because when it becomes a real addicion it's harder to turn away from, and she's a lot less likely to listen to you...
people do drugs because they have no one to love and or support them
not in the way they want to be supported
the best thing to do is to show her tough love'
let her know that you love her but you don't want to deal with her habit
or you can get used to it and be a helper. cut her lines for her into a heart and shit. I'd love that
If you had a lot of money she might be using you. If you were against her losing weight then maybe you started right with her.
If you are still reading your blog, you have to realize that some of the experiences of others are different but still they are similar. Your outcome may vary but number one rule is to make sure you don't go down with the sinking ship.
I think she's dragging you into an emotional, drama-filled whirlpool where you don't belong. She doesn't seem to want your help, so, as painful as it might seem, you should probably just wash your hands of her. Know that it's not your fault that she's ruining her life. Some people simply refuse to seek help.
I've had countless friends ruin their lives with coke... you just need to support her and make her realize what kind of crowd shes getting into.
The most important thing is to tell her that she is loved. That someday she will look back on all her problems and laugh.
Tell her everything will be OK.
Don't tell her not to do Coke. She has to come around to the decision on her own, there is no other way.
Besides, coke isn't really harmful when taken in reasonable quantities.
Also don't let this interfere with your personal goals or let it overwhelm you too much.
Good luck
You can't help others if they don't wanna help themselves.
I have a cousin that is on drugs and we don't know where she is; i only can pray and hope; just move on. It may be hard but you can do it.
What the hell, people? Yeah, you can't help others who can't help themselves, but you need to at least give them a chance. A lot of people can't be motivated to get better UNLESS they have help, so "giving up" on a drug addict isn't really the best idea. That just makes you look like an asshole. The only point at which you should truly give up is when they've had more than one chance. You should only give up when you realize that, even in all of your efforts, nothing is working. When you love somebody you can't just up and leave them. That's ridiculous. I say that you try talking to her, and if she continues to ignore you then leave the situation alone. If she actually listens to you and is open for guidance, give it to her.
I know so many people who have pulled out of addiction from being surrounded with love and hope. Don't give up, not yet. As long as you see potential in her, you can help her.
hey can you not leave her? don't listen to them. they don't know what she is and you guys are going through. i'm in a long distance relationship too. well, you guys aren't really together but it seems like she's really special to you and you also said that you love her. so do the right thing. my boyfriend's ten thousand miles away from me. i only see him once a year. but that's okay with me. i'm only 18 and yes i don't know all the shit and the zen teachings BLAH life has in store for me yet. but this i'm sure of, she needs you right now. cause i can relate to her. there are times when i feel like i wanna die and my boyfriend really tries to cheer me up. and honestly, he's the only person in the world who can do that with just a phone call. i tell him to leave me alone but that's not really what i want. and no matter how i push him away, he never leaves me. he stays quiet but he's just there :) talking to him on the phone really helps you know? forgive me for being too cheesy haha. anyway the fact that she called YOU that night to tell you that means she really needs attention from you. and she was drunk that night, you think she meant it when she told you not to visit her anymore? don't leave her cause it might be too late before you realize that you shouldn't have. just be there for her, text her, call her and don't give up. there are also organizations who help people who does you-know-what. please don't leave her like that, if you really love her you won't. just continue to be strong okay? don't let this thing get the best of you just be strong for her and yourself. i wish everything gets better for you both. good luck :) i wish this helped even just a little. i really am fan and i really hope you guys end up together :D
1. at least she's not doing meth!
2. if this is her first few times doing it, of course she will be feeling depressed. that's what the comedown off of coke is. i felt like waves of shit the first time i did it, which made me not want to touch that stuff for a while.
if you have a problem with it, check out http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/cocaine/cocaine.shtml. it also depends on how she's taking it. insuffulating (sp?) or snorting it is probably the most common way. melting it down and shooting it up or smoking it is a little more hardcore. hopefully by "cocaine," she doesn't actually mean "crack." i mean, otherwise, educate yourself and your girl and if you don't think she can handle herself, then drop her. some people can handle it and enjoy it occasionally, some people go crazy and can hardly function or have fun without it. it all depends on her personality and her influences.
Tell someone in real life. Get real life help. If you're religious, go to a minister. If you're not, call a helpline that deals with drug addiction. http://www.addictioncareoptions.com/ looks like a good place to start. I've never had anyone in my life with a drug problem, so I don't know for sure where to send you.
Talk to her again. Talk to her voicemail if you have to. Tell her you care about her very much (maybe don't say "love" because this will be painful enough for you), and don't want her to get hurt. If she refuses to talk to you, or refuses to stop using, you need to tell her parents. They're nearby and can give her the physical help that you can't provide. Be prepared: they might not believe you. She might hate you for this. She WILL feel betrayed. But if you really want to help her, this is what you need to do.
I don't know if you should visit her or not. Talk to her and her parents first, definitely get their opinion. Maybe talk to your own parents too, you're going to need a lot of support personally.
try to be there for her. if you are in touch with any of her best friends maybe give them a heads up (maybe not specifics like, person x is on cocaine).
the fact that you geographically separated makes it difficult. I think you need your friends too right now, don't spend all your time trying to call this girl.
she rang for a reason, needs help.
being a past addict, i know i occasionally did this. best if you tell her you'd love to see her sober.
sometimes just helping someone make an appointment to a drug and alcohol place is all you need to do. counselors do the rest, you're not her therapist.
if she's not willing to do either of the above, then she's not ready, she's just off her face on drugs and has prob rethought the whole 'call the old flame' thing and gone silent.