Sunday, 10 January 2010
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Say "Yes" to Long-term Relationships... Or Just Relationships in General
There was an article posted here about saying no to long-term relationships. Humanity decided it didn’t want to disappoint me for a day, and it quickly assembled to vocalize how ridiculous it thought the article was. But I really want to pick it apart so…
The OP asked us to ponder the purpose of long-term relationships; I think it’s good to remember that relationships are not limited to romantic ventures, but in a more general sense, the word “relationship” encompasses all bonds we have with people from friendships to acquaintances, as well as things like who we hate and our sworn enemies. The purpose of long-term relationships (and the purposes of all relationships, really) is mostly to offer us companionship or insight about and ourselves. We can’t fully realize who we are from our own perspectives; we need people to help by offering experiences we can’t get otherwise. Sometimes, these experiences can’t be obtained in a short time frame.
It was suggested that, “everything you need to know about a person can be found out within the span of a couple months.” I’m just going to go ahead and say that that sentence is full of failure. Does anyone remember Ted Bundy? He had a girlfriend for six years, and she never knew he was serial killer/necrophiliac. I realize this may be an extreme example, and by no means am I implying that all of your SO’s are storming the cities bludgeoning people, but the point is that if in six years someone can miss such a huge thing about someone, 2-5 months is not going to be enough time to discover every important detail about your lover.
Reading the article, it seemed like the author was trying to imply that long-term relationships will only cause people to cheat and every relationship will fail. People don’t cheat because they’re in a relationship that’s extended beyond this supposed expiration date; no one says, “Damn, it’s been 2-5 months, I feel the universe urging me to go sleep around.” Certainly people can lose interest over time, but if that’s the case those two people shouldn’t be together because they just don’t have sustainable chemistry- it has nothing to do with the theory that long-term relationships are the fall of mankind.
Yeah, so maybe I regret being with someone I dated in high school. I also regret drawing on my skin with a marker because it turned out I was allergic to it, but had I never done that I might’ve never known. And the same is true for the bad relationships (or maybe just failed ones), because we can figure out what we don’t want in the future. Just because you have a bad experience doesn’t render that experience completely useless.
The biggest flaw about the article, though, was that one of the poster’s solutions to long-term relationships was marriage. Do I really have to touch this one, or can I safely assume that we all recognize the commitment marriage is when hearing “till death do us part?” My relationship is not going to be any shorter just because I get a document that says I’m married to someone for life (or until I divorce them, or they die, etc). Unless you’re Carl Sagan, because he can bend the universe and time- he’s absolutely magical.
Long-term relationships don’t necessarily equate to love. I liked (and loved) a girl in high school for 2 years and she was pretty much my best friend. I did just about everything to get her to go out with me and got shut down routinely, but she unexpectedly asked me out on Valentine’s Day. Nice right? Dreams come true! Except, 3 days later she broke up with me. Didn’t see it coming, and it really broke my heart. We didn’t have a long-term relationship, and some should debate whether 3 days is actually a valid romantic relationship at all. The point? You don’t need to be in a really long relationship to take a break-up (or a rejection, because sometimes relationships you want never happen) hard. It’s not really a time thing; it’s about how intensely you feel for that person that decides how the end of a relationship impacts you.
I say yes to long-term relationships. There is nothing wrong with spending time with someone and getting to know them, and there is no such thing as knowing too much about someone; sure, some things are scary to find out but in the end each piece of information serves its purpose.
How would you compare your long-term relationships to your short-term relationships? Do you think you’re longer relationships have been more or less beneficial to you than your shorter ones?
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About the Author
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- From: RazorBladeParade@xanga
- About Me: I'm practiced, precise, completely opaque. No one can see me, and I can't see them. I'm not the me I used to be; I saw a friend die, it makes the Earth turn slower and long nights restless.
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Comments (43)
I thought the same thing when reading the post you're talking about. I love my long term relationship :) Shorter relationships, at least, in my experience, haven't been as meaningful as my long-term one has.
But to answer your question, I do think that both kinds of relationships are beneficial, because you learn what you like or don't like in a SO either way.
I thought that it went without saying that that particular post was a nice big fail.
My long term relationships have definitely shaped me more than either of my short term relationships. Being with one person for an extended amount of time doesn't only teach you about what you want out of a partner and relationship, but I truly believe it helps you learn about yourself and the person you want to be.
I'm all for long-term relationships. I've been in love with someone for about 2 years and I am still finding new things about them every day. There's no way you can learn everything about a person in 2-5 months, unless you talk nonstop about your entire life in that span.
And I thought it was strange how it was "no to long-term" but marriage was allowed. Sounds a little backwards.
“Damn, it’s been 2-5 months, I feel the universe urging me to go sleep around.”
I laughed so hard at that one. And I thank you profusely for posting this blog. It basically expresses everything I thought about that other failpost. In my experience, I've had really bad long term relationships and short term ones. Currently, I am in a long term one- and it's been the best relationship I will probably ever be in. We just hit our six month mark last Monday. It's been over 2-5 months, and I don't have any intentions to cheat on my boyfriend, and I don't plan on cheating on him, well, ever. The other alternative, marriage, for us right now... we're not even of legal age yet! But if you have giant commitment issues, short-term is definitely your style.It's quality of the bond you develop with the other person not quantity of time you spend together. I had a better bond knowing someone in 5 months than in 2 and a half years.
everyone has their preferences, and i dont see the point of ganging up on someone to prove you're right, its just the OP didnt articulate themselves well enough to make others feel like she had a valid point
Bout time you got around to this.
I have to highlight the importance of your example with your best friend of 2 years, and having your heart broken in 3 days. I know all too well that example of treasuring someone without being in a relationship with them, and even just seeing that they're CONSIDERING dating/sleeping with someone else is enough to send you into a frenzy >_
In addition, I love how you touched upon the importance of failing just as much as success. It takes a wise person to realize that just because you took a chance and it failed, does not mean it wasn't worth it, or that it was a waste of time. Sometimes, even the fact that you successfully took the chance feels like a victory in itself regardless of the outcome.
i completely agree with you. that other post was a little ridiculous. i think that the OP has some commitment issues. and i also didnt understand why the poster's solution was marriage. =/
i've been with my boyfriend for close to 2 years. there's no way i knew everything about him in the first few months of dating. you really cant ever know everything about a person. people are constantly changing and you're constantly growing and discovering new things about each other all the time, whether you've been together 6 months or 50 years!
I agree, but I also think if you're going to post a blog about such a thing with such a strong opinion, you should make sure you write clearly and concisely what you're trying to present. A few months is NOT long enough to know someone completely, though in that time you CAN weed out the possible winners from the definite losers. I've had a meaningful long-term relationship, and then I've also had a not-so-meaningful long-term relationship. I think the author of this article has a point when he says it's about how strong of a connection you have and how emotionally invested you are in that romantic relationship.
So overall I wouldn't say my short-term relationships aren't as important in the long run as the long-term relationships, but I would say the stronger the feelings and the more effort put forth to continue and improve that relationship, the more you learn and the more you will get out of it.
I don't believe in divorce, so having a long term relationship is a must for me. If we can't work it out within a 1-4 years, how will we for (hopefully) decades?
@Parsimony@xanga - Agreed. I dated, got engaged and married my husband in 8 months. We've been married for 6 years. I had a long term relationship with someone who I thought I knew for .... close to 4 years (it was a LDR, but still). Now I know that he's gay. It depends on a lot of things, communication being a huge key.
I think you can find out information about the person you're in a relationship with and decide to marry them within 6 months or less. I dont' think you have to date for 3 years before knowing that the person you're going to marry is the right one. My sister has been dating her fiance for 7 years now, and she's getting married next month. I completely do not understand that... why they haven't just "signed the papers", as you would say, before this point. Especially now that they have a 5 month old.... it doesn't make sense to me, but to each their own.
@diannisforever@xanga - Yes, I agree. I don't think the OP was totally wrong, but she didn't articulate herself well enough to make the general public understand what she was talking about. She and I come from a similar point of view, so I have an idea of what she was trying to say.
I haven't been in a long term relationship. My previous relationships are all short term, which leaves me wishing for more in a relationship.
@steph - I agree completely! I think short term relationships can be beneficial, too. There's nothing wrong with them, either, both can be learning experiences.
Thank you SO much for posting this reply... If there were a like button on xanga I would definitely press it here... I wholeheartedly agree with your post. :)
CARL SAGAN That being said.. I found the article quite pointless (not this one, the one being referred to). I expected something that would cause me to practice my anthropology-degree-in-the-making skills, but it did not. *tear* Okay, well, the author just sounded like she was afraid to take risks. If we use the logic that she uses to argue against long-term relationships, what's the point of even living? I mean, we can die.. like.. right NOW! Anyway, there's too many factors to consider, so I'm just going to speak subjectively. I'm in a long-term relationship.. it will be 5 years in February, and it's also long-distance, not to mention that my mom is insanely opposed to us being together due to our religious differences (although, it's really just differences between her and him, not him and I). I can say that it has been insanely positive, he's my best friend and there is no one in this world that understands me better than he does. He knows the deepest flaws that I try to hide, the things I want to say but can't articulate correctly, and he loves me unconditionally and I do to him. If we broke up, it would be incredibly rough, but I would not regret a thing. I would not see it as "time being wasted", because no matter what we choose to do, we are choosing it over something else. I've grown as a person because of him and our relationship. It's stimulated my growth as a person and I owe that to being with someone that fosters that growth - I owe that to myself as well for how I perceive things. I could very well have glossed over all the things that have come about because of this relationship and focused on the "what if's", but I'm not that sort of person. So if we are really going to analyze long-term relationships from this pragmatic view, I think the key is that the relationship is HEALTHY - not all long-term relationships are. If it is, then of course there's value in it. Short-term relationships can be just as beneficial, and I've learned a lot from them, but this one has been, by-far, the most beneficial because of everything I've learned and experienced. If we broke up tomorrow, I would still say this because there's a lot of depth to the things we've been through together and learned together and from each other.
you deserve nothing less than a hifive!
@diannisforever@xanga - When people create better arguments other people will stop picking them apart. Besides, there's nothing wrong with providing an alternative view. Am I right? Who knows, but saying, "Don't post your opinion in response because she can't write her argument well" is silly.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - Exactly.
@TemptingFate_Taz@xanga - So glad someone appreciates Carl Sagan!
if there was a 'like" button, i would click it :]
LTRs aren't for everybody, but I just think the other blogger didn't make a very good case for her position.
My long term relationship is without comparison with the short one.. although i i appreciated my relationship with my SO more after ive been in a short term relationship with another person... i figured that having a short term reltnships only add confusion and problems to a persons life...
insightful and humorous, sir.
and thank you very much for not simply just bashing the article and actually explaining yourself.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - "Sometimes, even the fact that you successfully took the chance feels like a victory in itself regardless of the outcome. "
Very well said.
YAY! I agree completely, if someone makes you happy why the fuck would you break up with them just because it's been over 2-5 months? That doesn't make any effing sense, and after 5 months most people are not ready to get married, wtf. I know that I would NEVER marry someone I've only been dating for 5 months...I mean hell, 5 months is nothing.
LIKE !!
I thought the exact same..and long term relationships are fun